My wife has left me
andysport1
Posts: 592 Member
I'm 52 and my wife announced she has fallen out of love with me, she has moved out, she is going to move 200 miles away and start a new life on her own.
I'm devastated, 20 years gone.
I'm hurting, so upset, feel helpless.
I don't work, I live in the countryside and I have anxiety about going out, I rarely see anyone.
Any advice ?
I'm devastated, 20 years gone.
I'm hurting, so upset, feel helpless.
I don't work, I live in the countryside and I have anxiety about going out, I rarely see anyone.
Any advice ?
50
Replies
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I'm so sorry! Do you have friends and family nearby? Anyone you can call?
Give yourself time to grieve and heal but know that you can start a new life. Everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know what that reason is for a long time. Take care of yourself and have faith that you'll get through this.6 -
Its not 20 years gone, its 20 years enjoyed and lived. Doesnt mean everything needs to end or be a waste. Dont let it make you forget your own value. Your more thn just her, And her leaving doesnt make you less valuable. Let it hurt, Give it its value in your memories as a large part of where you are now, And then move on. How you move on is entirely personal, But like I said try not to devalue yourself, Your worth has not changed. You deserve to be happy to. And you 100% are not helpless.32
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I’m very sorry for your circumstances. I would suggest that you consider talking to a therapist. If you didn’t see this coming, I can only imagine the state of shock this has left you in.
Good luck to you. 🧡5 -
@ BZAH10
Wow, I can't think what reason.
We moved here 7 years ago, so no family close by, I called my sister, she is so nice, but never single.
I feel it's wrong to burden my son's with this.
Thanks for your words1 -
I hope you can find someone to speak to.
Even find someone online to vent To. It's nice to just get it out
As someone said it's not lost years its life lived. You mentioned sons so there are wonderful things that came from your marriage. Sometimes people just grow apart. Doesn't mean you or she did anything wrong just happens
I hope you find some peace about this situation. It's tough but it's also a new beginning7 -
That is tough. 20 years of a relationship ending is a really hard thing to deal with. But you will deal with it. You might feel helpless right now but trust me you are not. You are going to need time to come to terms with it and yes it is going to hurt but it will get less as time passes. You may need some support along the way so don't be afraid or embarrassed to ask for it. This could mean talking to a counsellor, your family, friends, or even (gasp) people online like us rag tag lot.
You will be surprised to find kindness in unexpected places and from unexpected people. Don't turn away from the world there is so much out there for you to experience. New things to try, new people to meet and if you can, try to look at this as a new chapter starting, you will get through it, your life is far from over. Believe me, I know, I have been there.
6 -
I'm sorry that happened to you.
One day at a time, just go on one day at a time. Find someone to talk to, a therapist, a friend (even online) , pastor... someone.
But... The absolute best thing that ever.. and I mean ever happened to me was my first husband and I getting a divorce. Was I heartbroken? Yes. Was I scared? Devistated? Alone?? Yep.
But... I found the absolute love of my life and I am beyond grateful that I wasn't stuck in a bad marriage.
It's going to be okay. Just keep going.7 -
Sorry this has happened.
It's gonna be hard for quite a while. And I think you should expect it to be!
But talking to someone is something you should DEFINITELY do!
I don't think your sons would see you as a burden! Are you worried that if they see you this upset they will be annoyed with their mum? And possibly cause tension between them?
(assuming they are the children from this marriage)
If that's so then get on to a counsellor, they can also help you get your anxiety in check and really help you live a happier life.
I had anxiety mixed in with depression and I didn't go anywhere. My counsellor told me to find things to do in my area, plan them into a diary then ACTUALLY go, no matter how scared, how nervous, how I expected it to go. And every single time it was nothing like my head made it out to be and it really helped me relax a bit and find myself again.
There is no shame in asking for help! It makes you a stronger person!
And you say you're 52? Are you worried finding a new partner (when you're ready of course) will be difficult because of you're age?
Well when my grandad died my nana was 72 and she had a new boyfriend at 75 and he made her SO happy!
Love can happen at any age! But you won't meet people by staying inside!
So grieve for the loss of your marriage, focus on the positives it brought and look to what you can achieve in the future. Getting your health back, your mental health on track, your sociality. And just take one step at a time, there will be tough times ahead, especially now but you'll remember this post one day and realise things did get better!
5 -
Sorry this has happened.
It's gonna be hard for quite a while. And I think you should expect it to be!
But talking to someone is something you should DEFINITELY do!
I don't think your sons would see you as a burden! Are you worried that if they see you this upset they will be annoyed with their mum? And possibly cause tension between them?
(assuming they are the children from this marriage)
If that's so then get on to a counsellor, they can also help you get your anxiety in check and really help you live a happier life.
I had anxiety mixed in with depression and I didn't go anywhere. My counsellor told me to find things to do in my area, plan them into a diary then ACTUALLY go, no matter how scared, how nervous, how I expected it to go. And every single time it was nothing like my head made it out to be and it really helped me relax a bit and find myself again.
There is no shame in asking for help! It makes you a stronger person!
And you say you're 52? Are you worried finding a new partner (when you're ready of course) will be difficult because of you're age?
Well when my grandad died my nana was 72 and she had a new boyfriend at 75 and he made her SO happy!
Love can happen at any age! But you won't meet people by staying inside!
So grieve for the loss of your marriage, focus on the positives it brought and look to what you can achieve in the future. Getting your health back, your mental health on track, your sociality. And just take one step at a time, there will be tough times ahead, especially now but you'll remember this post one day and realise things did get better!
Yes our children belong to us both, I do not want to bad mouth my wife to my sons.6 -
I’m so sorry this is happening. Therapy might be good, just to talk about your thoughts and feelings. Sounds like this is fairly new, maybe your wife is going thru something herself. You just work on YOU!🙂1
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It's new and raw, a huge major change for you and you must feel lost right now. Give yourself time to grieve the loss of your marriage. And yes, find someone to talk to; whoever you'd feel comfortable with. Maybe a local support group for someone in your situation? Online forums? A close friend? Write down all your feelings, good, bad, sad, everything. Try not to think too far into the future, you'll feel overwhelmed. Set small goals for yourself. And don't forget to keep taking care of yourself! It wouldn't help matters at all if you neglect you in all of this.
I'm truly sorry you're going through this. Some day you will feel stronger, more able than you feel right now. You've just had the wind knocked out of your sails, it's going to take awhile for you to feel stronger. But you can and will get to that point.
Wishing you the very best of luck and please keep reaching out here! I'm learning the people here are amazing.1 -
I have no advice, but I do have solace, sympathy, and similarity of experience. You ain't alone. And yes, it sucks. Yours sounds much suckier than mine; we're still friends. But that doesn't dull the pain.
Ok maybe I do have some "advice." Be the person you want to be. That's really all you can do. Grief is going to happen. You can't get around that. Things will never be the same. Try and value what was, and then create what is to be.
Good luck to both of us. And to your ex. She must be going through some pain, too.6 -
I found myself suddenly and shockingly single at 43, though through widowhood rather than divorce. It's a different kind of shock and grieving, by far, but there are some similiar issues when it comes to finding a path back to a rewarding life.
We're all different, and I agree with those suggesting that counseling is a really good idea. If you happen to work with a psychiatrist (or with another counseling professional works in harmony with your medical doctor), temporary use of drugs may even be something to consider. (I took anti-anxiety medications for a few months, at a very low dose, and they helped me through a transition period; some people benefit from anti-depressants or sleeping aids.
If you don't need any, that's great; but if they can help you, there's no reason to feel like it's weakness to use the tools you need.)
It may not be true for everyone, but for me, "go through the motions" (a.k.a. "fake it 'til you make it") was a good strategy. I was sleepwalking, really not feeling anything, but I recognized intellectually that it was important to my long-term well-being to stay engaged in life (introvert by nature though I am). So, I made myself go through the motions of work life, social engagement where I could find it, and the like. I talked, I pasted a smile on my face, I was polite and pretended interest in life and other people, I went to social events, I tried to make friends (on a surface level). I wasn't feeling it. It wasn't easy. It felt awkward and sometimes even painful (though mostly numb and surreal).
. . . until, very slowly and gradually, the colors of life started to warm up again. It improved. I'm now 20+ years on, and life is good, fully engaged, a small circle of close friends, a larger circle of fun less-close people to do things with, lots of interests and activities. The first year or so was the hardest, then it got easier, and eventually it felt natural.
This may not be your route, but it's important to find your route, IMO. The people around me whom I've seen do very poorly after loss of a spouse (to death or divorce) were those who shut themselves in, pulled the curtains, didn't make an effort, and generally shut down.
Another thing that helped me was to think about things that I really liked, but that I'd back-burnered because my spouse didn't like or enjoy them. It's not that he told me not to do things, but that my priorities were different when he was in my life, and it helped me to think about and re-incorporate good things that had dropped off my priority scale vs. things we did together. Those things were "just mine", and that made them especially good to re-embrace.
Get whatever help you need. Find a project, find a cause, stay engaged in activities you personally find rewarding. The world will warm again, if you give it a chance. Please give it a chance. Hang in there!15 -
andysport1 wrote: »Sorry this has happened.
It's gonna be hard for quite a while. And I think you should expect it to be!
But talking to someone is something you should DEFINITELY do!
I don't think your sons would see you as a burden! Are you worried that if they see you this upset they will be annoyed with their mum? And possibly cause tension between them?
(assuming they are the children from this marriage)
If that's so then get on to a counsellor, they can also help you get your anxiety in check and really help you live a happier life.
I had anxiety mixed in with depression and I didn't go anywhere. My counsellor told me to find things to do in my area, plan them into a diary then ACTUALLY go, no matter how scared, how nervous, how I expected it to go. And every single time it was nothing like my head made it out to be and it really helped me relax a bit and find myself again.
There is no shame in asking for help! It makes you a stronger person!
And you say you're 52? Are you worried finding a new partner (when you're ready of course) will be difficult because of you're age?
Well when my grandad died my nana was 72 and she had a new boyfriend at 75 and he made her SO happy!
Love can happen at any age! But you won't meet people by staying inside!
So grieve for the loss of your marriage, focus on the positives it brought and look to what you can achieve in the future. Getting your health back, your mental health on track, your sociality. And just take one step at a time, there will be tough times ahead, especially now but you'll remember this post one day and realise things did get better!
Yes our children belong to us both, I do not want to bad mouth my wife to my sons.
Of course you don’t want to speak badly about your wife to your sons., but they are probably hurting as well. How old are they? Are your boys with you? Perhaps family counseling may be beneficial. Are you in counseling for your anxiety about going out? I live in the country as well, so I understand it can get lonely.1 -
AnnPT77 has some great advice. Please listen to what she says and follow what works for you. Whatever you do, don't close yourself off, and do reach out for support.3
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missysippy930 wrote: »andysport1 wrote: »Sorry this has happened.
It's gonna be hard for quite a while. And I think you should expect it to be!
But talking to someone is something you should DEFINITELY do!
I don't think your sons would see you as a burden! Are you worried that if they see you this upset they will be annoyed with their mum? And possibly cause tension between them?
(assuming they are the children from this marriage)
If that's so then get on to a counsellor, they can also help you get your anxiety in check and really help you live a happier life.
I had anxiety mixed in with depression and I didn't go anywhere. My counsellor told me to find things to do in my area, plan them into a diary then ACTUALLY go, no matter how scared, how nervous, how I expected it to go. And every single time it was nothing like my head made it out to be and it really helped me relax a bit and find myself again.
There is no shame in asking for help! It makes you a stronger person!
And you say you're 52? Are you worried finding a new partner (when you're ready of course) will be difficult because of you're age?
Well when my grandad died my nana was 72 and she had a new boyfriend at 75 and he made her SO happy!
Love can happen at any age! But you won't meet people by staying inside!
So grieve for the loss of your marriage, focus on the positives it brought and look to what you can achieve in the future. Getting your health back, your mental health on track, your sociality. And just take one step at a time, there will be tough times ahead, especially now but you'll remember this post one day and realise things did get better!
Yes our children belong to us both, I do not want to bad mouth my wife to my sons.
Of course you don’t want to speak badly about your wife to your sons., but they are probably hurting as well. How old are they? Are your boys with you? Perhaps family counseling may be beneficial. Are you in counseling for your anxiety about going out? I live in the country as well, so I understand it can get lonely.
Yes i have counselling for anxiety
Children 34, 25, 173 -
Sorry man, that's really intense. Good advice here already. I'd just add to search through subs on Reddit because there are several focused on mental well-being and dealing with emotional shocks like this. The sidebars will have helpful resources/links/books.
Read some good CBT books and focus on building a new social life, 'cuz that's vital. Keep exercising.
Add me on here if you want. Good luck, buddy.
1 -
andysport1 wrote: »missysippy930 wrote: »andysport1 wrote: »Sorry this has happened.
It's gonna be hard for quite a while. And I think you should expect it to be!
But talking to someone is something you should DEFINITELY do!
I don't think your sons would see you as a burden! Are you worried that if they see you this upset they will be annoyed with their mum? And possibly cause tension between them?
(assuming they are the children from this marriage)
If that's so then get on to a counsellor, they can also help you get your anxiety in check and really help you live a happier life.
I had anxiety mixed in with depression and I didn't go anywhere. My counsellor told me to find things to do in my area, plan them into a diary then ACTUALLY go, no matter how scared, how nervous, how I expected it to go. And every single time it was nothing like my head made it out to be and it really helped me relax a bit and find myself again.
There is no shame in asking for help! It makes you a stronger person!
And you say you're 52? Are you worried finding a new partner (when you're ready of course) will be difficult because of you're age?
Well when my grandad died my nana was 72 and she had a new boyfriend at 75 and he made her SO happy!
Love can happen at any age! But you won't meet people by staying inside!
So grieve for the loss of your marriage, focus on the positives it brought and look to what you can achieve in the future. Getting your health back, your mental health on track, your sociality. And just take one step at a time, there will be tough times ahead, especially now but you'll remember this post one day and realise things did get better!
Yes our children belong to us both, I do not want to bad mouth my wife to my sons.
Of course you don’t want to speak badly about your wife to your sons., but they are probably hurting as well. How old are they? Are your boys with you? Perhaps family counseling may be beneficial. Are you in counseling for your anxiety about going out? I live in the country as well, so I understand it can get lonely.
Yes i have counselling for anxiety
Children 34, 25, 17
Great@counseling. Do you have a boxing or MMA gym you can commute to? A disciplined controlled physical outlet is also necessary for healing. Maybe a rugby club close by?0 -
this is devastating, I have been thru it. The gym kind of saved my life. I worked out and came home exhausted. Take care of you. Later I met someone that was wonderful. It was soooo hard at the time!3
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I'm sorry that this has happened to you. My relationship of ten years ended about two months ago and so far I've found journalling and exercise hugely beneficial. It helps to have someone to talk to as well, as many others have suggested. You will get through this 🤗5
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You should speak to a lawyer. Know your rights on marriage breakdown. If you're not working she may have a support obligation. Find a lawyer in your area so you can be properly informed.
Make sure to keep yourself healthy. Eat right, drink right, sleep right. You will be better equipped to deal with this if you're physically healthy.1 -
Sorry, Andy. It happened 2.5 years ago, for me. I won’t lie to you, it sucks. Still sucks today. But it gets better. I’ve reconnected with friends that she didn’t like, I play more music, and I have really learned to cherish the time I spend with my kids. Keep your head held high. You’ll get through it. It ain’t easy, by any means, but you’ll be ok.5
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like, ann i found myself single after 11 years thru widowhood.
re: divorce. get a lawyer. it doesn't need to be contentious to protect your rights.
re: the emotions. you can try a professional. i had a good support system and didn't need one. there might be a group to help. then you don't necessarily need to share all the time but can absorb information of people who've been thru the same thing
re: what now. stay healthy all the way around. try new food, try new recipes. if friends ask you to go out, go. if something sounds interesting, try it. i went for a year where unless i had plans, i said yes to whenever i was invited to something. meetup.com. if you're on fb, fb events.
you can write down goals or dreams for what you would like to do
you are embarking on a new life. one you weren't expecting. what are things that you always wished you would try? what are things that scare you a bit? what did you do that you did for her but really didn't want to?
while this is probably crushing, this can be a great opportunity to rediscover yourself 4
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