230+ pounds down... Next Step

I've come a long way to say the least. The hardest part of shedding this weight has been to see myself the way others do. I have always been so hard and critical with myself. Always the first person to congratulate someone on success and when the compliments came rolling in I deflected with a quick "thanks, but..." or "i'm not there yet..." It's funny because gastric bypass in 2000 didn't fix me. It got me from 430 to 290 in a year and the new attention was overwhelming. I wonder if I hadn't been raped less than a year after surgery if I would have never started binge eating. My therapist said it was subconcious and a way to avoid male attention, this is years after the incident and before I wanted to lose the weight by myself. I ballooned back up to 350-380 and stayed there for years. I didn't have the motivation or desire to lose the weight. I was doing hair and going to school. I had a mom who became physically disabled (nerve damage as a result of back surgery) and the man who raised me developed PTSD from vietnam and was changing before my eyes. I had a lot on my plate and the only thing that made me happy was food. My stepdad's social anxiety kept him from grocery shopping aside from tubs of ice cream and toaster pastries and mom couldn't grocery shop as we were still figuring out her limits and didn't have pain controlled yet. I worked, went to school and was watching my stepdad fall apart. Watching a parent become hollow and a drugged shell of your father is pretty hard. It wasn't until May 9th of 2009 at my brothers wedding that I realized I wanted more. I wanted a chance at a life. Yes it gets hard, I can handle that. I may not get to the top of the mountain but I just have to try and take a step. It just started coming off. Small changes began to add up. First I started hiking 2 times a week, then a pilates video here and there. Within a few months I gave up fast food. Gave up soda. Then processed foods. I got very into fitness and clean eating and In a little over 2 years I have finally hit a place where I am comfortable with my size. I credit it to never giving up. Even when my stepdad completed his life in Dec of 2009. I took time to mourn and found my resolve to make sure I had a chance at a good life. Life can't be the sum of what happens to us. If it was, I would have given up long ago. It is only a testament to my strength that I have made it this far. The support from my family and friends has been astounding and now that I have hit my goal i'm ready to complete my weight loss journey. I have been really scared to do any skin removal surgeries because of the pain and scaring. I know it's going to be expensive and since it is cosmetic I have no help from insurance. I have decided to move into my mothers and with her help we may be able to save almost 1,000 a month towards my surgeries. I have a consult in 2 weeks in CA and I don't know if i'm ready for the reality of whats next. I know how much I want my arms done, I catch people looking at them, I get a lot of questions when I go sleeveless and it is something that makes me feel very self concious. I guess what i'm saying is that the next step is the scariest one yet and I'm not sure how to do this. I know we are going to make this happen. I just don't know how to fund this dream. I'm going to start researching fundraising options. (no hooking lmao)
I guess i'm rambling but I just wondered if anyone could understand where i'm coming from because family and friends say my surgeries are a no brainer. My friend brought up a lot of feelings last night when we were out for drinks. We had our pictures taken and when we looked at them my arm looked so tiny and then I had 6 or 7 inches hanging down. She caught me looking at it and immediately covered the part of my arm with her thumb and said "cute arm!" lol. Yes, I have amazing friends. I giggled and said "yeah it will be one day" and she told me " when I look at you I don't see it. I see how beautiful you are and how you have proof of your hard work. I'm so proud of you" Something profound happened when she said that. I agreed with her. I really do want this and I do deserve it.