A father watching time slip by: Intelligent and failing miserably. Support requested.

glovepuppet · July 2019

I was lucky, in that the first therapist my Dr advised was good for me.
I saw another a few years later, and she made me feel quite violated so I never went back.

I think that, unless you have negative feelings towards them, you don't really have to connect in order for them to understand your issues and for you to benefit from their insight. It's not a friend or a date, after all. Sessions will sometimes be uncomfortable and upsetting, but that's just part of the process, and you have to accept that you may feel worse before you feel better.

HappyEC · July 2019

I had a “flip a switch” experience this time round, but after a build up. I’d lost weight before on MFP, then gained it back and more during a time of high stress. I saw calorie counting as too obsessive and began creating habits where I used food to relax, ease stress, and to “take care of myself” by allowing myself treats.

I’ve been embroiled in a bitter custody dispute for years. My current husband and I have also had miscarriages and fostered babies during that time, and downsized to a smaller home, and changed jobs, so I feel the pain of experiencing a number of different stresses - change, relationship strain, toddlers and babies, etc. Policing my food seemed like too much to ask.

But like you I was also wanting to change. My switch flipped after several months of build-up. During that time I consciously created new habits one at a time. I saw an intuitive eating nutritionist to get past feelings of shame about diet and food, and began to work on identifying what was going on emotionally when I reached for food (anyone can do this by tracking how you feel before and after you eat anything, and then examining that to see where you’re eating in a fog or out of hunger or to avoid emotions like boredom).

I began to eat the same breakfast daily, with some variety on weekends. I like it and it keeps me full. After some time, this is now a firm habit that starts me off well and makes tracking breakfast easy - I just swipe to add previous day’s meal. One less decision daily.

After a few weeks, I moved on to lunch. I did get bored sometimes and switch it up, but overall I have a habit now.

Snacks next. Believe me when I say I’m not a “schedule” person. But having these building blocks firmly in place because I built them one at a time has meant I have more headspace to deal with life without using food and making things worse.

One habit at a time until it really takes. Currently I’m mastering having a clear flavoured tea at night with TV instead of cookies or crackers. I have switched to black coffee during the day except for work meetings etc, which has automatically freed up more calories for me for food.

All this brought me to my moment, when I was so stressed with my ex and the custody battle, and the worry was so emotionally unbearable, that I decided to take control of something - and that something was my weight. Suddenly, with my habits supporting me, I wanted to get my body back. And so off I went. I set a goal for the month and chose a dress to fit into for an event.

I think if you also work on one habit at a time, you could set yourself up for your “flip a switch” moment. When it does flip, you’ll be ready to go for it.

staticsplit · July 2019

I'm in Cognitive Analytical Therapy for bulimia at the moment (the purging has stopped and the binging has also largely stopped). I am in the UK so I was referred to the local eating disorder clinic. I had a very severe eating disorder as a teen, so this time I reached out quite soon into the relapse and before it started interfering with my life.

I did a round of group art therapy which was good and now one on one therapy, and I really like my therapist. She's been good at articulating why I keep bouncing between extremes and helping me find a good middle ground. She's OK with my logging etc as it when I don't log I tend to spiral and thing 'well I've already eating so much let's just eat everything.' Then I freak out when I feel too full and can't deal with it. Therapy was mostly me confronting why I can't deal with certain emotions and distract myself with food/negative coping mechanisms.

Looking at food through logging helped me a lot. I try to view it as data. You are likely being too restrictive on your 'good' days, which is setting you up for binging. I was trying to eat 1400 as an active 6 ft woman. It was too little for how much I do. I'd manage for a week, then 'binge' (say eat 3.5k one day, most of it eaten within an hour) which only ended up softening my aggressive deficit. Once I told myself I had to eat at least 1700 but ideally 1800 and then try not to go above 2600 (but if I do once or twice, especially on active days, that's OK), my binging pretty much stopped. Logging helps me be more mindful and I aim to have actual balanced meals instead of eating a bunch of crackers and calling that lunch (which leads to a blood sugar spike down the line). I have successfully maintained my healthy weight since October, and 2019 has had a lot less ED slip ups. I'm still probably a bit too food focused and exercise a bit too much, but it's not overkill and is manageable. I'm in such a better place than I was last year and I never want to go back to that headspace ever again.

There's no shame in therapy. I think we should all do therapy now and again as a general mind check up, just how we go for routine physical checkups. We all have our hangups.

mochrist87 · February 2020

Just circling back here. I recently read The Obesity Code which normalized things like skipping a meal when appropriate, reducing snacking, and being smarter with carb choices. All of these things made inherent sense, but - for me - seeing the tremendous link between constant glucose/insulin spikes and weight gain was excellent for gaining a mindset to go against it. I'm down to 203 right now after the healthiest month in years. I have taken care of my back while playing hockey twice a week, even as my knees and abs sometimes protest (they'll get in line), and I'm optimistic. Thank you to everyone here for the encouragement, and - if you need it yourself - keep trying things. You never know what'll stick.

ladyzherra · February 2020

Thanks for sharing so openly. I used to purge, as well, many years ago. I am a food addict and binge eater. Check out the Emotional Eating group here on MFP. I have found a lot of support there.

hlr1987 · February 2020

I'm the same age and I really hate feeling like you know you body could do something, only it can't.
Two things I've realised personally that may or may not apply to you:
1. My normal diet throughout the years (usual breakfast, lunches, dinners) were geared to a calorie and macro content for someone about 30 pounds smaller than me. As I'd grown, my meal sizes hadn't gotten bigger, nor had the amount of nutrients I was getting to support my body function.
2. Its a normal response to not meeting enough nutrients, and macronutrient and care needs, for my body to up the cravings for quick fixes. I was meeting a physical need for extra calories, usually with sugar because I'd be tired all the bloody time. So if you took snacks away, my deficit was too much to sustain and it became a cycle.
Long term this means that I overeat on sugar, gain weight, try to fix it and struggle to keep going which ends with binging again. This time I'm really focused on getting my protein and carbs, with a small deficit which is meaning some rearranging of my plate at normal meals, sometimes eating more, and planning snacks that support that for if I need more protein or particular vitamins, and I'm trying to really listen to my body if I'm physically hungry. Im determined that I will be successful even if it takes a lot longer, because I want that active life again so much. But I recognise that it will take me time, and intense introspection, self awareness to say - today I'm hungry. What can I eat that will be best for me right now?
Sorry for the longer post, I've been musing on past failures a lot and many of your physical frustrations chime with how I feel getting older.

jhanleybrown · February 2020

They call it "dad bod" for a reason. (Dad of 3.) Probably better advice above but...

Just want to point out 2 things:
- lack of sleep causes a whole lot of things including a huge hit on discipline (young kids = sleep challenges), depression etc.
- alcohol for me = snacking (even small amounts of alcohol = massive snacking)

To lose my dad bod 25 (well 20 of 25 so far...5 to go) I had to focus on sleep and eliminate alcohol. (I give myself breaks and am not psycho about it but have to do it when serious about weight loss...)

You still have to do all the other stuff. It was a hamster wheel until I addressed those things. And while not easy, it got 10x easier.

I didn't address them until my LDL started to climb. So it took threat of health issues to actually change.

Hope this is possibly useful.

gemiller87 · February 2020

I'm 32, turning 33 soon (yuck...), have two young daughters and have been "heavy" for most of my life and so is much of my family. There's definate mental games that need to be played but it can absolutely be done. I went from 350-360 at Dec2018/Jan2019 to 215 as of this morning... it can be done. If you'd like to chat please send me a request and a message!

A father watching time slip by: Intelligent and failing miserably. Support requested.

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