The Other Parent

macpatti
macpatti Posts: 4,280 Member
edited October 2 in Chit-Chat
Anyone else out there have an ex who sabotages your children's healthy eating and exercise habits? Our 9 year old daughter lost 20 lbs two years ago and has maintained it. She was overweight and had very low self esteem from being in a dysfunctional household. Now she eats healthy, jogs on a treadmill three times a week, and has even run some 5K's. But, when she and her brothers visit their other parent on the weekends, they are encouraged to eat whatever they want. They have junk food all around them and taken to the worst restaurants to eat. They are given nothing but soda to drink. They don't get any exercise. When our daughter speaks up and says she shouldn't be eating something, she is told, "You're with ME now, so those rules don't apply".

Anyone else have this situation? Any words of wisdom on this?

Replies

  • JeanWalker109
    JeanWalker109 Posts: 220
    I won't say the "other parents" sabotage my girls' diets on purpose. They just don't think about it like my husband and I do. It used to be frustrating, but now I just let them know what the girls can and can't have. We have a pretty good "working" relationship, which is what it really is. So, they're (the others) receptive of the things my husband and I tell them.

    I hope that you find some peace & resolutions surrounding this situation.

    *smiles*

    Jean
  • billsica
    billsica Posts: 4,741 Member
    There is a whole study on how people show love for their children in different ways. Maybe they think by giving everything that you are not, they are showing how much they love them.
  • moushtie
    moushtie Posts: 371 Member
    Maybe you could teach your children to say they "don't want to eat junk". Unfortunately you're going to have to make the best of a bad situation. At least they're learning what healthy living is from you, right?
  • LivLovLrn
    LivLovLrn Posts: 580 Member
    do you have open communication with the other parent? Can your daughter say "I WANT some healthier food"? I would suggest sending some food with the kids, but am thinking the ex would be offended
  • JENIFER_AZ
    JENIFER_AZ Posts: 235 Member
    There is a whole study on how people show love for their children in different ways. Maybe they think by giving everything that you are not, they are showing how much they love them.

    That's what I thought too......sorry you are going through this!
  • macpatti
    macpatti Posts: 4,280 Member
    do you have open communication with the other parent? Can your daughter say "I WANT some healthier food"? I would suggest sending some food with the kids, but am thinking the ex would be offended

    No open communication, unfortunately. Our daughter says she asks for healthier food, but is told "This is all we have". I like the idea of sending healthy snacks for her. Thanks for that idea!
  • macpatti
    macpatti Posts: 4,280 Member
    There is a whole study on how people show love for their children in different ways. Maybe they think by giving everything that you are not, they are showing how much they love them.

    Maybe so. But how do we kindly explain that doing that is harmful to their health? I think the other parent is trying to be "cool" and wants the kids to think we are strict, evil parents.
  • theaterfan23
    theaterfan23 Posts: 256 Member
    Hmm..In my opinion is sounds like maybe your ex is doing this to make you angry, because I don't know any parent that does not want their kids to eat healthy and nutricious foods. But maybe he is not as educated as you when it comes to healthy choices! Anyways, that is just my opinion!
  • sunkisses
    sunkisses Posts: 2,365 Member
    Here's how I'd handle the situation. Take it with a grain if you wish.

    If there are things your daughter prefers to eat, have her bring them with her. Teach her to make her own meals and to cook a meal when she visits her dad and other family. If your daughter wants something, she can ask for it or bring it. She can invite them for a walk after dinner or to play a game like hide and seek (something that involves running). On your end, keep your sanity and realize that this is just the weekend. Keep it in perspective. Your daughter's habits are her habits. If she's set in them, the weekends shouldn't affect her to the point of pure sabotage.
  • macpatti
    macpatti Posts: 4,280 Member
    Here's how I'd handle the situation. Take it with a grain if you wish.

    If there are things your daughter prefers to eat, have her bring them with her. Teach her to make her own meals and to cook a meal when she visits her dad and other family. If your daughter wants something, she can ask for it or bring it. She can invite them for a walk after dinner or to play a game like hide and seek (something that involves running). On your end, keep your sanity and realize that this is just the weekend. Keep it in perspective. Your daughter's habits are her habits. If she's set in them, the weekends shouldn't affect her to the point of pure sabotage.

    I like the idea of letting her take her own healthy foods. I'm going to try that.
  • TheMaidOfAstolat
    TheMaidOfAstolat Posts: 3,222 Member
    When my ex is with our daughter he always brings candy bars, chips, soda...ect. My daughter is only 7 and sees it that her dad is awesome because he gives her stuff that I don't even allow in the house unless it's a special occasion. There is also no communication between us and what little there is, is always negative. I just suck it up and know that my daughter loves to eat healthy and she is only with my ex for 2 hours every other Saturday and it's supervised (lets just say he really screwed up and lost custody for many reasons). I would suggest you pack her some healthy snacks...even veggies she can keep in the fridge. If the 'others' throw those out...there is something majorly wrong going on.
  • macpatti
    macpatti Posts: 4,280 Member
    When my ex is with our daughter he always brings candy bars, chips, soda...ect. My daughter is only 7 and sees it that her dad is awesome because he gives her stuff that I don't even allow in the house unless it's a special occasion. There is also no communication between us and what little there is, is always negative. I just suck it up and know that my daughter loves to eat healthy and she is only with my ex for 2 hours every other Saturday and it's supervised (lets just say he really screwed up and lost custody for many reasons). I would suggest you pack her some healthy snacks...even veggies she can keep in the fridge. If the 'others' throw those out...there is something majorly wrong going on.

    I'm going to try that. If her healthy food gets thrown away, that's just concrete evidence of sabotage.
  • obstacleone
    obstacleone Posts: 228
    With me being the "other parent" in my situation, I rarely have the kids (I live about 1200KM away) so when I do come here and spend time with them, my exwife has an extremely healthy lifestyle that the kids are adapted to. I'm still learning healthy eating habits and controlling urges and I find whenever I am down here with my exwife and kids I learn more and more about eating better.

    Also a good parent bad parent scenario does not work for the child. Consistency does, well as much as there can be in a broken home. I really wish that petty issues between exes would stay between them and keep the best interests of their children at the top of the priority list.

    I may not always agree with my exwife but I will always support her parenting and her suggestions. she welcomes my input too.

    Your ex needs to grow up.
  • sunyg
    sunyg Posts: 229
    I have a similar issue with my ex and kids. Problem is, he gets them every other week.
    When he was single he did really well with what the girls ate. Now that he has remarried, it has stopped. Neither of them cook, and she loves to eat out. They don't keep healthy snacks in their house. She also feels that her kids aren't over weight because they do Karate and swimming once a week. So she thinks it is silly my kids are on a "health kick". My oldest has tried making a healthy dinner but no one but her Dad and sister would eat it, it made her feel bad and she won't do it again.
    My 13 year old usually works out with me, she works out on her own when she isn't with me. Her Dad told her to stop it because he didn't want her to become Anorexic like I had been. Huh? After I had my girls I was 110 pounds of pure muscle and worked out and ate healthy. I can't believe he said that. So we came up with work outs she could do in her room.
    What I have done is started sending them with healthy snacks, taught them portion control, and we have looked up what is healthy at the restaurants they usually go too. It seems to be working so far. Their step siblings will not touch the healthy stuff. I think my 10 year old would have a fit if you took her fruit away.
  • Johnnyswife
    Johnnyswife Posts: 1,447 Member
    What foods do they feed her? Is it all bad or just some? She might have to pick and choose..usualy cooking healthier requires a bit more effort, while crap foods are almost instant types and easier to make. Unless of course they order takeout all the time. I think sending her with food is a good idea as well.

    My stepdaughter's mom claims she eats all this healthy stuff at her home..she eats eggs, salads veggies, etc. But my SD REFUSES to eat like that with us. She barely eats chicken..I'll make chicken and rice and she will eat the rice and toss the chicken. When we tried to put just chicken on her plate and told her to eat that and she would get rice later, and pitched a temper tantrum (at 9 years old) and made herself sick.
    So not sure about her mom's claims about her eating healthy. I do know that while i try to work with her mom to feed her foods that she eats at home, her dad lets her have/do whatever she wants. He only gets her every other saturday, and 2 hours every other wed. It sucks cause we go a long time without seeing her so I think he feels that letting her eat what she wants equals love.

    Her mom gets her involved in all kinds of sports and after school activities and a lot of times it cuts into our visiting time, but we do it without complaint because we know she needs to be active and we want to maintain a good relationship with her mom. No fighting=child with less stress.
  • macpatti
    macpatti Posts: 4,280 Member
    With me being the "other parent" in my situation, I rarely have the kids (I live about 1200KM away) so when I do come here and spend time with them, my exwife has an extremely healthy lifestyle that the kids are adapted to. I'm still learning healthy eating habits and controlling urges and I find whenever I am down here with my exwife and kids I learn more and more about eating better.

    Also a good parent bad parent scenario does not work for the child. Consistency does, well as much as there can be in a broken home. I really wish that petty issues between exes would stay between them and keep the best interests of their children at the top of the priority list.

    I may not always agree with my exwife but I will always support her parenting and her suggestions. she welcomes my input too.

    Your ex needs to grow up.

    It is my husband's ex, and I agree. We have custody of all three kids, but they see their mom once in a while. She's not interested in being consistent or working with us. I'm going to take lots of the advice here and send healthy foods with them. We'll see how it goes. You "get it". She doesn't ....yet.
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