Reaching out has always been hard for me.

Hey

My name is Kriss and it's been a long time since I have been here. Last time I was here I had successfully lost 165 pounds.

I am professionally diagnosed with binge eating disorder from an eating disorder psychiatrist.

In just a few short years I regained most of my weight back and went from 135 pounds to 250 pounds.

I went through some hard times in those three years and while I know that none of that actually attributes to my eating, cause with an eating disorder, I would of ate anyway, I put fighting against my eating disorder on the back burner.

In that time I left an abusive and toxic relationship, I lost everything to bed bugs, I then bounced from job to job until I finally found a good one. I had to move several times before I could find a place that connected with me and felt like home and then I had to work my *kitten* off to save money to rebuild my life because in the end all I was starting with, was a bed frame.

During those events I put my weight back on.

However some positives did come from regaining my weight.

I did not appreciate my weight loss the first time. In fact I had a deep resentment and hatred towards my body. One I never expected to have after losing weight because I hated my fat self so much my whole life.

But losing that much weight is like winning millions when you're young.. you just cant process and handle it the way you should.

It allowed me to see the hole I was burying myself in, I had developed bulimia as a result of fear of gaining weight back, I couldnt see it then, but I see it now in the photos.

I have restarted a medication I was once on to help me with my binge eating disorder, but it's still a struggle, it was increased today because the last three days I had been struggling to maintain even a small calorie deficit and then last night a binge happened, undoing anything I struggled to maintain as a deficit over those days.

So, I am not a quitter, today just means today is a new day, hopefully with a higher medication dose, the 1800 to 1900 calories I am eating will be easier to manage.

But as I've been sitting here tonight, i realize that sometimes you need people. Sometimes in that moment, you need people behind you to take your mind off things.

I dont know if there are people here who I still know from the past, but I would love to have some mature, dedicated, and educated people on board. People who understand calorie deficit and moderation and can be supportive rather then dictating.

Thanks.