Overcoming Disorder - My Experience & Three Steps to Recovery

Hi MFP Community,

I hope you're all keeping healthy, happy and sane wherever in the world you are.

This is quite a personal post, and one that I've been considering writing for a while. I've decided to share now because I hear about more and more people having similar struggles, so I hoped that my experiences might be helpful.

I'm a guy in my 20s, generally enjoying life. This are going well enough in terms of family, work and social life. I'm relatively fit and healthy, a keen sportsman and a regular gym-goer. I'm in good shape, fairly lean and fairly muscular. But, over the past couple of years, I've been struggling with all the signs of an eating disorder.

It's hard to pinpoint just one manifestation of this. You name it, I've had it. And it's horrible. I'm sure some people here will relate to some or all of these symptoms.

I'd track obsessively, monitor my weight too closely, go through highs and lows when it comes to body image, demonise certain foods (usually calorie dense), glorify others (usually high volume & low calorie) and often feel guilt when I needn't, or satisfaction for unhealthy behaviours (like under-eating). I'll go as far as to project this on to others - even experiencing quite a severe reaction when I see strangers eating & drinking things that I wouldn't.

I'd regularly under-eat to the point of losing all energy and becoming light-headed, and then binge-without-bingeing by filling myself up excessively on high volume but low calorie foods, sometimes in an uncontrolled fashion.

I let hunger affect my mood and feel stress and anxiety about food. I'll use intermittent fasting as a pretext for starving myself for longer than I comfortably can. I look at foods but see nothing but numbers. Calories. Macros. Comparisons.

I find it impossible to choose what to eat because I'm in an endless spiral of 'is this worth the calories' or 'would I rather have this now, or maybe something else later?'.

It's quite rare for me to overshoot calories but it's been known to happen. In any case, my metabolism almost certainly has adapted down far enough that even a small 'overshoot' will be enough to offset any ideas of a deficit (meaning that my weight tends not to move an awful lot).

So, why is this in success stories? Well, I'm better now than I have been for months. And I put that down to three reasons.

Firstly, talk to someone. Or everyone. I told my parents. My girlfriend. Some close friends. I saw a therapist. It is nothing to be embarrassed about. In fact, the cruel thing is that the mental factors are partly caused by your body's physical response to being messed around in this way. You are a victim of your mind's tricks and your body's chemical balance. It's just a case of working out how you can manage this and how you can get back to good physical and mental health over time.

Secondly, give yourself some kind of schedule or routine that works for you and lets you hit good, healthy numbers. For me, that's a short fast (07:00-10:30), a good breakfast (porridge / oatmeal), a late, light lunch, an afternoon snack, a substantial dinner and room for a bit of dessert if I want it. The calories are flexible, and I still use other approaches like making sensible food choices. But the overall structure gives me security & reassurance that what I'm doing is absolutely fine.

Thirdly, never, ever forget that food is good. It is fuel. And it's not only fuel for exercise. You can eat and enjoy it without any guilt even when you're totally inactive. It sustains your body. This was the hardest thing for me to understand, so on a rest day when I'm not walking around much, I'd agonise more than ever. I could hardly bring myself to eat, because I'd convince myself I didn't need it or deserve it or something.

So, there we go. These are just a few thoughts and I'd love to start a discussion about any tips anyone else has, or any other experiences you feel able to share.

If you are very conscious of your diet & calories & macros, you'll probably never get rid of that. But for everyone going through difficult times, I'd say this: don't lose hope. It improves. You can and will overcome.

Stay happy and healthy,
O