How Can You Convince Your Spouse/Friend/Relative/Child To Get In Shape? 

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  • freda666
    freda666 Posts: 338 Member
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    MikeT4853 wrote: »
    The Question: Bodybuilding and being healthy is very important to you. You can't imagine why anybody would not want to live this way. Unfortunately, your loved one does not feel the same way. The complain about their looks, they are eating in a way that will cause long term health problems, and they just can't ever seem to make it to the gym.

    How can you convince them to REALLY try to get in shape? How can you do this without making them upset, making them feel bad about themselves, or "nagging" them constantly.

    Share your success stories if you have done this before!

    BONUS QUESTIONS: 1. What made you first start working out? When was it? Have you always cared about being in shape and being healthy? If not, what convinced YOU to start caring about it?

    2. Do you have any loved ones that NEED to work out/eat right but don't and may be headed for health problems? How does that make you feel? Have you told them? What was their response?

    You can't and the more you try to change them the harder you make it for them to come to that place by themselves, and that is the only way it will work.
  • Wiseandcurious
    Wiseandcurious Posts: 730 Member
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    You can't and the more you try to change them the harder you make it for them to come to that place by themselves, and that is the only way it will work.

    This. If you are insisting on "helping" when they don't want to be helped by you, you are probably hurting them, their chances of getting healthy and your relationship with them.

    If you truly deeply care about them, you meet them where they are (psychologically speaking, not in terms of becoming less active yourself...) so that they can move forward from there in their own time and way.

    It is also OK to realise you cannot live with a state of affairs that may be toxic for both of you, with this person. It is OK to frame it as you not wanting to be in a relationship with someone like that. But trying to change someone and convincing yourself it's "for their own good" rarely works.
  • jayhschmidt
    jayhschmidt Posts: 32 Member
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    In my opinion, you have a better chance of convincing a drug addict to give up drugs than you have of convincing most people to radically change their relationship to food.

    But if they're open to advice, I think it's a good idea to break it down into manageable chunks rather than forcing it all on them at once.

    After all, weight loss and fitness comprises a large set of mini-skills. Just showing someone how you log your food intake -- even if they don't collect their own data (yet) -- is a step in the right direction. Explaining how and why you avoid trigger foods may give them some ideas. Demonstrating how calorie-dense some foods are as compared to others. And so forth...

    Rome wasn't built in a day and I suppose we've all had plenty of mis-steps before we learned how to apply all the weightloss/fitness tactics that led to some degree of success. It's unrealistic to expect others to immediately do everything correctly. Even one step in the right direction is laudable.

  • Theoldguy1
    Theoldguy1 Posts: 2,454 Member
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    You're not going to change an adult that doesn't want to change.

    Your child (especially a younger child) on the other hand is a different story. It's your responsibility to make sure they are making good decisions. Limiting nutrient poor foods, reasonable limits on sedentary activities, and the biggest part, you as the parent setting a good example.
  • Mr_Healthy_Habits
    Mr_Healthy_Habits Posts: 12,588 Member
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    I'm sure they are already trying... The question is how can I be supportive
  • SnifterPug
    SnifterPug Posts: 746 Member
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    MikeT4853 wrote: »

    BONUS QUESTIONS: 1. What made you first start working out? When was it? Have you always cared about being in shape and being healthy? If not, what convinced YOU to start caring about it?

    2. Do you have any loved ones that NEED to work out/eat right but don't and may be headed for health problems? How does that make you feel? Have you told them? What was their response?

    Main question - everyone else has already said what I would.

    Bonus question 1 - weight crept on over the years until I became obese. Not morbidly, but obese all the same. I always hated exercise, from school on, and was the one always picked last for any team. I have been going to a gym regularly for 15 years, but I fondly imagined that doing a 20 minute stroll on a treadmill was doing me some good. In 2016 I hired a personal trainer to learn how to use weights. Purely to stave off osteoporosis as I got older. I expected to hate it. I loved it. My trainer was forbidden to discuss my weight, but I started losing some anyway and then actively tried to lose more so I could enjoy my exercise more. Then I discovered boxing and have never looked back. My exercise time is sacrosanct and nothing gets in the way.

    Bonus question 2 - my husband is morbidly obese. He has bad knees and his recent medical exam threw up some red flags. This inspired him to try to do something about his weight and he is doing OK but finds it tough. He and I have both always understood the health risks of being overweight and have made an active choice to be how we are. Now that I have got in shape and enjoy fitness he is asking me about diet and exercise and I am encouraging him but never forcing or nagging.

  • Unicorn_Bacon
    Unicorn_Bacon Posts: 491 Member
    edited April 2020
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    jm_1234 wrote: »
    Caution: More random disagreeable thoughts below. :)

    Designing for Psychological Change: Individuals’ Reward and Cost Valuations in Weight Management
    https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4090383/
    The primary obstacles to weight management were the rewards associated with unhealthy choices, such as the pleasures of unhealthy foods and unrestricted consumption in social situations, and the significant efforts required to change habits, plan, and exercise. Psychological constructs that supported positive weight management included feeling good after making healthy choices, being good to oneself, experiencing healthy yet still delicious foods, and receiving social support and encouraging messages (although opinions about encouraging messages was mixed).
    - - - - -
    People aren't 100% rational. Most people didn't intentionally choose to gain weight, it just happened... and it likely happened by their personal reward/cost motivators which developed habits which developed neural pathways that make it easier for them to achieve their rewards and avoid their costs. Some common rewards that wire people for weight gain might be the pleasure of food, relaxation, comfort...

    At the point where a brain is hard wired for an activity you really have to ask how much if any true choice actually exists. That might be why some people can desire change but it can be very hard to change. But change is possible, you just have to change the brain by appealing to its reward/cost center.

    On a side topic...
    If people don't rationally choose to gain weight, they also don't have to rationally choose to lose weight. Theories like decision, design, string, game, etc. often show that people can lose weight or change unintentionally by "hacking" their surroundings. An easy example of this is how the layout of grocery stores impact buying behaviors or the placement of food in a buffet line.

    I think all you said above is basically just an umbrella of potential human behaviors. The thing this umbrella lacks is the human being behind the behaviors.

    Just because someone might be wired to feel comfort or reward or some pleasure feeling or emotion, doesnt mean that those feelings are just like that because when they were younger no one rewarded them for playing tag in the back yard instead of watching tv and eating a snack.

    Someone might be wired to to feel comfort that way because maybe they were sexually assaulted. Maybe they were abused growing up by their parents. Maybe they lost someone in their life and that loss had such a dramatic impact that their mind just couldnt process it and needed to shut it down.

    Or maybe that person has a mental illness or eating disorder, and cant get help, or feels asking for help is a sign of weakness. Maybe they did try and get help but everyone they asked for help from let them down.

    Trust me.. when there is human emotion behind your umbrella behaviors, they stop being a dog you can train and teach new tricks to and they become something more complex.

    No amount of reward for the 165 pounds that I lost ever made a difference in the over all mental state I was struggling with, it didnt make any of the work I put in stick, and I gained my weight back. Eating wasnt something I congratulated myself on either, I hated myself. There was no real reward there. Just no self esteem or love for myself.

    People are very much aware of their eating.
    To say that the weight we put on is beyond our own decision as an individual I think that's flawed. Even with having an eating disorder, a brain that's sole existence has a desire to do nothing but consume, I still have to play a part in that. I may need the aid of therapy and medication but I cant just sit back and expect the car to park itself.

    I have to choose what I wanna do. When my medication wears off at the end of the evening and I am left to my own devices, regardless on if i feel reward for staying under calorie goal and working out today, I'm still stuck at the end of the night with the decision to eat or not and that choice is not an unconscious choice if I decide to.

    If someone in my life started treating my disorder the same way you would teach a dog to sit, I would be pretty pissed

    The same as if I was someone going through an emotional wound like sexual assault or abuse.

    That's why I said in my.previous post. People need people to just be there and know that when they are ready to lose, they will be there to support their choice.

    Just like my meds and my psychiatrist are those supports to me... but he and the pills cant help me unless /I/ want that help. And no treat on my nose at the end of the day for staying under 1800 calories is going to change that.

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