Dating in 2011 Seriously

Ok, so I'm probably going get grief over this post, but I needed to see if I'm the only one going thru this... So, why is dating in 2011 so difficult???? Meaning, that just because you bought me dinner it means that your going to get "booty"!!!! I'm not interested in the "meaningless sex".... If I want to have it, I need to have some kind of "monogamous commitment"... I'm not interested in being the newest flavor of the month...
I've also realized that no one picks you up for a date... It's all the "meet me there".. Ok, and what happens if we want to go someplace else??? Are we taking 2 cars??? Seriously.... Oh I get it... That makes it easier for the guy not to have "chivalry" or "manners'.. (ie open car door, etc)...
Case in point.. I had a date for tonight... We were supposed to meet at a local drinkery and then "obviously" have some meaningless sex... I decided to txt him (oh that's the new thing bc we don't speak over the phone anymore").. and cancel the date.. I gave a fake excuse that my family had an unexpected emergency... Instead, I went to the gym and did the "butt bible".... which i had more fun doing....
So, am I totally wrong in doing this??? I'm I wrong in wanting more than just "meaningless sex"????? I guess I don't want to have to go thru the same crap all the time...

illy:drinker:

Replies

Scoobies87

Scoobie I don't know you at all but any man that would cheat on you must be insane. I just saw your pic and you are beautiful.
One thing I noticed about my choices. I will probably catch some crap for saying this. I do better when I date down when it comes to looks. I have to be the hot one in the relationship lol

Aw thank you! and hahahaha that is awesome! I must admit the best relationships I have had have been with the more average looking (and slightly nerdy) guys! :P

crisanderson27

Scoobie I don't know you at all but any man that would cheat on you must be insane. I just saw your pic and you are beautiful.
One thing I noticed about my choices. I will probably catch some crap for saying this. I do better when I date down when it comes to looks. I have to be the hot one in the relationship lol

Aw thank you! and hahahaha that is awesome! I must admit the best relationships I have had have been with the more average looking (and slightly nerdy) guys! :P

This is probably true both ways. The problem is...genetically we're programmed to find the most fit, most attractive mate. Yes, our intellect can overcome that...but it isn't really the same in the end I think.

Nice catch 22 eh?

BondBomb

Crisanderson i would love for someone to rescue me. I don't need anything in particular though. I have the same malfunction. I always thought with my ex...if I can help him he will see how much i love him and love me back the same way. Sucka! He just accepted my help and then when I needed him he bailed. I will never make that mistake again.

crisanderson27

Crisanderson i would love for someone to rescue me.

Yeah, me too lol.

There was something I was told once though...that made absolute, utter sense. It came from the wierdest direction too.

See if it makes sense to you:

"The biggest mistake I see people make when it comes to relationships is, they rely on other people to make their own problems better. Hoping a man will "save" you, or a girl will "complete" you is ridiculous. If you need saving, save yourself. You'll be better/stronger/wiser for it. If you need to be completed, then don't fall in love, *kitten*. Would YOU want someone to hand you half a heart? Fix yourself and you'll have more to offer. Everyone has more strength than they believe....most people have just been conditioned to think they don't since birth. Open your eyes. You'll see it."

And there you are people. The answer to life and love...in a nutshell.

.

Carl01

Confused.com because women all want . 'bad boys' and get easily bored with the nice ones who do the chivalry thing. By the time they hit there 30's and some even 40's and they've been pimped out more than xzibit and his 'rides', they usually come back with a couple of kids in tow and expect you to be there.

Ladies 'you can't have your cake and eat it to'.

(I'm in for a whole world of ****).

There is definitely a lot of truth in the saying that nice guys finish last.
So be it,even though it can hurt,in the long run I can still hold my head high.

illy823

I guess I am just old fashioned or maybe because I grew up in a small town in Illinois. I can't believe how these guys act according to everything I have been reading.
I have always been pretty shy and wouldn't even think of presuming things like sex on a first date. Guys should be thrilled to get a hug or kiss. lol The age of chivalry is apparently dead. I always feel out of touch because I am such a romantic. Bring a girl a little token of affection on the first date (a flower, small stuffed animal, book of poetry, etc.). Doesn't have to be anything over the top. Put a smile on her face at the beginning of the date. Don't think of what you are going to get out of it. Even if all you get is a few hours of friendship and dinner/movie, etc., it was more fun than sitting at home alone. lol
I think because one of my brothers has been married 3 times and my father was married 5 times that it makes me a lot more interested in finding the right one, not finding anyone. I know way too many people whor are in relationships or got married beacuse they are so co-dependent and cannot bear life without someone.
I hope I find the right woman someday and can grow old together, but if it doesn't happen I'll be fine. I want a partner, an equal, a best friend AND a lover. Best of luck to you all!! Hope all your dreams come true. Everyone deserves to be truly happy and not settle.
Troy

Hey Troy: Thanks for the vote of confidence... and i totally agree with what you said... I want all the same stuff, to include; someone that I can't live without and who brings out the best in me...

Have a great monday...

illy

bmqbonnie

I despise the ranting about nice guys. IME, if you have to say you're a nice guy, you probably aren't and often there isn't much else to offer there either. I'm noticing on dating sites that "i'm a nice guy" almost always accompanies rants about being tired of the games, how all the girls in X city are stuck up, etc. Bitter, much? That kind of stuff makes me click "not interested" REAL fast. Like someone else said, look at the common factor here. Fix yourself first.

That goes for the ladies too. If you say all men are pigs, well, you aren't going to get very far.

As far as chivalry goes, ITA that it isn't a sure sign that the guy is wonderful. In fact, that stuff is the last thing I look at. I appreciate those gestures and get that the guy is trying to be polite and impress me, but really I can open my own dam door, drive my own car, take my own seat, and take my own jacket off. I am much more concerned as to whether the guy has a sense of humor, is fun to be around, is respectful, interesting, and whether we click.

datzun

I've been single for the better part of a decade. The last date I went on (about a year ago), the girl was the one pushing for a quick hookup. No thanks, I was looking for a real connection. Girls in Atlanta do seem to just be looking for a hookup. Oh well, I'll just stay single.

bmqbonnie

Girls in Atlanta do seem to just be looking for a hookup.

See, I don't get this kind of thinking that people of a specific gender act a specific way in a given town. People do conduct themselves a little differently in a big city vs a small town, and there may be minor cultural differences between the south vs east coast vs the panhandle. But I do not believe that women in Atlanta are just looking for a hookup, women in Denver are stuck up, men in San Francisco are self absorbed, etc. I see this so much. Generalizations are stupid and will get you nowhere. Any given area is going to have a pretty rich variety of people. I bet if you move away from Atlanta you are still going to have very similar problems.

Though I admit, there seems to be an epidemic of mustaches in northern Minnesota lol.

Carl01

I despise the ranting about nice guys. IME, if you have to say you're a nice guy, you probably aren't and often there isn't much else to offer there either. I'm noticing on dating sites that "i'm a nice guy" almost always accompanies rants about being tired of the games, how all the girls in X city are stuck up, etc. Bitter, much? That kind of stuff makes me click "not interested" REAL fast. Like someone else said, look at the common factor here. Fix yourself first.

That goes for the ladies too. If you say all men are pigs, well, you aren't going to get very far.

As far as chivalry goes, ITA that it isn't a sure sign that the guy is wonderful. In fact, that stuff is the last thing I look at. I appreciate those gestures and get that the guy is trying to be polite and impress me, but really I can open my own dam door, drive my own car, take my own seat, and take my own jacket off. I am much more concerned as to whether the guy has a sense of humor, is fun to be around, is respectful, interesting, and whether we click.

If you were posting about what I said please understand that I was not ranting but making an observation (somewhat vindicated by your comment "often there isn't much else to offer there either").
I am a nice guy and that can be attested to,if that isn`t exciting or interesting enough then I guess I can`t help it.
Just remember that when the fun guy treats you like crap or like he owns you.

sweetsapphire85

That goes for the ladies too. If you say all men are pigs, well, you aren't going to get very far.

As far as chivalry goes, ITA that it isn't a sure sign that the guy is wonderful. In fact, that stuff is the last thing I look at. I appreciate those gestures and get that the guy is trying to be polite and impress me, but really I can open my own dam door, drive my own car, take my own seat, and take my own jacket off. I am much more concerned as to whether the guy has a sense of humor, is fun to be around, is respectful, interesting, and whether we click.

I agree with this, I don't NEED to have the door opened and chair pulled out etc. If a guy is willing do do it of their own accord It's a bonus for me. I just want manners and consideration, don't make graphic comments to me about my body, and if you'd rather text me to ask me out I'll just give you my email address or facebook. My friends facebook, email or text plans and that's fine but that's why their my friends. Texting to confirm plans once you are seeing each other for a few dates is a-ok, or if you want to say a quick "i had a great time last night". Texting to ask me out on a first date just makes me wonder if it's a date or just hanging out and seems a bit impersonal. But that is just me personally

And please if you are asking me out for a date, please lets go somewhere! If you ask me out to sit at your apartment and watch a movie for the first date I wouldn't feel comfortable with that in the least (considering i don't know you from Adam) and would not attend.

datzun

Girls in Atlanta do seem to just be looking for a hookup.

See, I don't get this kind of thinking that people of a specific gender act a specific way in a given town. People do conduct themselves a little differently in a big city vs a small town, and there may be minor cultural differences between the south vs east coast vs the panhandle. But I do not believe that women in Atlanta are just looking for a hookup, women in Denver are stuck up, men in San Francisco are self absorbed, etc. I see this so much. Generalizations are stupid and will get you nowhere. Any given area is going to have a pretty rich variety of people. I bet if you move away from Atlanta you are still going to have very similar problems.

Though I admit, there seems to be an epidemic of mustaches in northern Minnesota lol.

It's based on personal experience from my own sample size. I've actually only lived in Atlanta for a year and a half and of the dates I had been on, that was the typical outcome. I'm from Florida. Lived in Tallahassee, Panama City, and South Florida. Did not experience this to the extent that I have in Atlanta. Are there exceptions out there in Atlanta? Sure. My sample size hasn't seen it though.

heather7marie

Your post is the EXACT reason I wish I hadn't let me last boyfriend go... haha He was as close to perfect as they come, but I kinda screwed that one up.

BondBomb

Crisanderson i would love for someone to rescue me.

Yeah, me too lol.

There was something I was told once though...that made absolute, utter sense. It came from the wierdest direction too.

See if it makes sense to you:

"The biggest mistake I see people make when it comes to relationships is, they rely on other people to make their own problems better. Hoping a man will "save" you, or a girl will "complete" you is ridiculous. If you need saving, save yourself. You'll be better/stronger/wiser for it. If you need to be completed, then don't fall in love, *kitten*. Would YOU want someone to hand you half a heart? Fix yourself and you'll have more to offer. Everyone has more strength than they believe....most people have just been conditioned to think they don't since birth. Open your eyes. You'll see it."

And there you are people. The answer to life and love...in a nutshell.

.

Yes but what if your problem is that you are lonely and want a partner in life. Not really a way to fix that without another person. Granted my life is full with my family, child and friends. But it's just not the same. I loved being married. I just chose the wrong partner. I don't think it will always be like this. And I don't think all men are as messed up as he is. I have faith in love and relationships but right now I just don't have the energy for the interview process! Plus I want to get to my goal weight before I start going out on all of those dinners! Haha

deeharley

I just have one question - and I'm not trying to be mean, I just want to know. Why did you lie to him? Why not just tell him the truth?

odusgolp

Wait... You're not supposed to put out if he buys dinner?

Damn. Knew I was doing something wrong.

bhagavatilad1

You're right just don't go for that sort of thing your dignity is more important.

cbear017

Oh *kitten*, is this what I have to look forward to now? I haven't begun dating again but I can't avoid it for too much longer (gulp.):sad:

vespaberrie

I hate when I hear/ read women saying that they are going to 'give up ' on dating, love, or finding the right man. It's true dating sucks! I've had my share of commitment-phobes, gender-confused, cheating *kitten*. It gets more and more difficult to put youself out there all the time. But please dont give up... stick to your standards, NEVER settle. The right person is out there

( I have to believe this or I'll go crazy) :noway:

withchaco

If you didn't go, how do you know that is what was going to happen?

BTW, yes it is very hard dating in 2011, I feel your pain.

GG

Well, bc he kept hinting on going to his place afterwards...

Each party bringing their own car is better IMO, precisely for this reason! If you don't like him, you can drive away without the guy in the car.

Like others have said... Never settle!

crisanderson27

Yes but what if your problem is that you are lonely and want a partner in life. Not really a way to fix that without another person. Granted my life is full with my family, child and friends. But it's just not the same. I loved being married. I just chose the wrong partner. I don't think it will always be like this. And I don't think all men are as messed up as he is. I have faith in love and relationships but right now I just don't have the energy for the interview process! Plus I want to get to my goal weight before I start going out on all of those dinners! Haha

LOL, well, I wouldn't call that a problem with you so much as just a regular problem =p.

Honestly...keep your chin up...if you're looking down in frustration at not finding the right man, you'll miss him when he finally comes by.

crisanderson27

Oh *kitten*, is this what I have to look forward to now? I haven't begun dating again but I can't avoid it for too much longer (gulp.):sad:

It could be I guess.

Demand respect without being *****y, keep your standards high, and don't settle...and you'll be fine hun.

MisterDubs303

Second dating post I've read in the last few days. The way you women are shaking down the men out there is making me feeling more confident by the minute. Form a line, please.

jend114

I've said this a zillion times but it's true, once you stop caring what happens, what this other person is going to think of you, what is "supposed" to happen, and you act based on what is true to who you are, you will not have as much of a problem with dating. You don't have to play by rules you didn't create. Dating is a big game of bullsh*t and everyone knows it, yet everyone plays along. Once I stopped playing along, the losers weeded themselves out, the better guys came to the front of the crowd, and I didn't have to do things I didn't agree with.

I think very highly of myself. At the ripe age of 33, I know who I am and what my value is. I have my own rules. They're very common-sense. They're not because I'm a b*tch, but because I know what I don't want to deal with.

I don't go out drinking with men who aren't already my long-term friends or already my boyfriend. You know exactly why you're getting taken for drinks. It is not to get to know you, although it's possible you could be gotten to know along the way. But it's not a direct approach. It's more like the odds are in favor of him scoring some pu**y than you scoring feelings of someone being interested in you. If you're not a sex on the 1st "date" kind of girl, then you're not. There's nothing wrong with that, but stay realistic with yourself. Don't make/take these dates anymore - suggest something else.

Additionally, I've stopped doing dinner/movie kinds of dates. That's not really me. Dinner is fine, but I don't want to have a 2nd date with someone I could have determined wasn't for me on the 1st date if I'd used those 2 hours we spent in silence getting to know one another instead. Other rules:

- go on dates that are fun. If you have hobbies outside of shopping and drinking, it makes this a LOT easier. I enjoy fishing and kayaking, as well as other things. A date that involves these things a) shows what kind of person I am, b) shows I don't operate in the same dating rules as everyone else, and c) is a lot more fun than sitting across from a guy at a table letting him interview me.

- take chances. If someone suggests an off-the-wall date (like the above) take it. I've done some insane *kitten* on first dates. They didn't always work out to form a 2nd date, but they were fun. The guy didn't feel put out by having to feed me an expensive meal. He got to hang out with me being real, and I learned something usually.

- Not every date HAS to be a potential boyfriend. Some dates are better as friends. Some are better to give you a lay without you feeling like you're doing it because you owe him for the drinks. Pay attention to how you're feeling and what's the overall sense you get from this person.

But really........... the good stuff happens when you stop looking for it or hoping for it. That's what happened with Mr. Tiggerrick up there. He checked in on me here to see how I was doing after a bad allergic reaction - like a good friend would, and we ended up getting to know each other after that. I didn't play Violation Friday, didn't throw myself at him and tell him what I'd do to him once I got my hands on him, didn't have to post risque pictures of myself to get him to notice me or to give him something to compliment me on, and we were both ourselves the whole time.

Take some time to really figure out who you are and what you want. Frankly, I like that you canceled the date that made you feel uncomfortable and you did something you like better. Stay that way. Always remember who you are. THAT's who you have to live with.

I love you

great advice, now just to follow it

sunkisses

I've said this a zillion times but it's true, once you stop caring what happens, what this other person is going to think of you, what is "supposed" to happen, and you act based on what is true to who you are, you will not have as much of a problem with dating. You don't have to play by rules you didn't create. Dating is a big game of bullsh*t and everyone knows it, yet everyone plays along. Once I stopped playing along, the losers weeded themselves out, the better guys came to the front of the crowd, and I didn't have to do things I didn't agree with.

I think very highly of myself. At the ripe age of 33, I know who I am and what my value is. I have my own rules. They're very common-sense. They're not because I'm a b*tch, but because I know what I don't want to deal with.

I don't go out drinking with men who aren't already my long-term friends or already my boyfriend. You know exactly why you're getting taken for drinks. It is not to get to know you, although it's possible you could be gotten to know along the way. But it's not a direct approach. It's more like the odds are in favor of him scoring some pu**y than you scoring feelings of someone being interested in you. If you're not a sex on the 1st "date" kind of girl, then you're not. There's nothing wrong with that, but stay realistic with yourself. Don't make/take these dates anymore - suggest something else.

Additionally, I've stopped doing dinner/movie kinds of dates. That's not really me. Dinner is fine, but I don't want to have a 2nd date with someone I could have determined wasn't for me on the 1st date if I'd used those 2 hours we spent in silence getting to know one another instead. Other rules:

- go on dates that are fun. If you have hobbies outside of shopping and drinking, it makes this a LOT easier. I enjoy fishing and kayaking, as well as other things. A date that involves these things a) shows what kind of person I am, b) shows I don't operate in the same dating rules as everyone else, and c) is a lot more fun than sitting across from a guy at a table letting him interview me.

- take chances. If someone suggests an off-the-wall date (like the above) take it. I've done some insane *kitten* on first dates. They didn't always work out to form a 2nd date, but they were fun. The guy didn't feel put out by having to feed me an expensive meal. He got to hang out with me being real, and I learned something usually.

- Not every date HAS to be a potential boyfriend. Some dates are better as friends. Some are better to give you a lay without you feeling like you're doing it because you owe him for the drinks. Pay attention to how you're feeling and what's the overall sense you get from this person.

But really........... the good stuff happens when you stop looking for it or hoping for it. That's what happened with Mr. Tiggerrick up there. He checked in on me here to see how I was doing after a bad allergic reaction - like a good friend would, and we ended up getting to know each other after that. I didn't play Violation Friday, didn't throw myself at him and tell him what I'd do to him once I got my hands on him, didn't have to post risque pictures of myself to get him to notice me or to give him something to compliment me on, and we were both ourselves the whole time.

Take some time to really figure out who you are and what you want. Frankly, I like that you canceled the date that made you feel uncomfortable and you did something you like better. Stay that way. Always remember who you are. THAT's who you have to live with.

I love you

great advice, now just to follow it

Thanks

It's difficult to get there. I won't pretend that in my 20s I was where I am now. I learned the key for me was saying no when I don't like something, and being ok with the outcome of it. Even if it pisses people off.

Lsqueezy

It's not that difficult to figure out what a woman expects. Just read her body language and pay attention to what she does when you do something.

If she is racing me to the door, I let her win the race and she can open it. If she holds back a bit, then I open it. If she sits in the car after you get out, go around and open the car door for her...don't just stand there wondering why she's still in the car :laugh: If you are going through an open doorway, always let her go first (unless there is a security issue)...but pay attention to how she reacts and adjust your future actions accordingly. If she grabs the check as soon as (or before) it hits the table let her pay her half. If she hesitates for even a fraction of a second, pay for it all. Any time she isn't doing something you expect her to do, then do it yourself. Any time you do something for her and you get any sort of negative vibe, next time let her do it. On the pick her up at her place or meet her there thing...just ask her, "Would you like me to pick you up or would you prefer to meet there?"

Pretty simple, it's not rocket science, lol. Just pay attention to her.

On the flip side. If she is constantly giving mixed signals, like she hangs back at the door and then scowls at you when you open it. End the date as soon as you politely can, then lose her number :laugh:

This should be in a handbook somewhere!

crisanderson27

It's not that difficult to figure out what a woman expects. Just read her body language and pay attention to what she does when you do something.

If she is racing me to the door, I let her win the race and she can open it. If she holds back a bit, then I open it. If she sits in the car after you get out, go around and open the car door for her...don't just stand there wondering why she's still in the car :laugh: If you are going through an open doorway, always let her go first (unless there is a security issue)...but pay attention to how she reacts and adjust your future actions accordingly. If she grabs the check as soon as (or before) it hits the table let her pay her half. If she hesitates for even a fraction of a second, pay for it all. Any time she isn't doing something you expect her to do, then do it yourself. Any time you do something for her and you get any sort of negative vibe, next time let her do it. On the pick her up at her place or meet her there thing...just ask her, "Would you like me to pick you up or would you prefer to meet there?"

Pretty simple, it's not rocket science, lol. Just pay attention to her.

On the flip side. If she is constantly giving mixed signals, like she hangs back at the door and then scowls at you when you open it. End the date as soon as you politely can, then lose her number :laugh:

This should be in a handbook somewhere!

I agree...and for that part of it, it's just common sense. The problem is...in my experience, many women fall under 'the flip side' category lol.

Not all...but quite a few.

=D

Roxyjag26

Sorry about the guy, it sounds like it was not worth the time to have dinner with him anyway. I am new to the dating seen and not sure if I am excited or sad. Had a great 9yr relationship with my loving wife and look forward to bringing/having a women open the car door and bring me flowers....Hope the girls are not as hard as the guys, great job on the gym...

Roxyjag26

Nice!:drinker:

Sweet13_Princess

I just got married this summer and was SO glad to be taken off the market! It seems like in today's society dating=sex. One date and everyone assumes you're sleeping together.

I think guys have been trained by society to think this way. They're not all creeps. You just have to weed through the ones that only care about sex, rather than you.

My husband and I both decided to wait until we got married. I know it's ridiculously old fashioned for the times. I had a lot of grief from my friends that I didn't "test him out" first. However, I think it's the most wonderful thing that he respected me enough to wait and it's so sweet that we're learning together. It's really created a lot of trust between us.

NOT that I'm preaching you should do the same. Everyone is different. Maybe you could make clear before setting up the date or while on the date itself that you're a slow mover? The guys will probably back off then... and those that really like you will stick around. Those that just want booty will leave... and you don't want them anyway!:-)

Chin up. You'll find Mr. Right when you least expect him. I know from personal experience!;-)

Shannon