Dating in 2011 Seriously

BuffTexan

Lots of good discussion here! Wow!

BuffTexan gave up dating. Divorced 2 years ago, dated 1 girl late last year, don't feel the urge to date anyone. And just for the record (ladies): a lot of men won't bother talking to you because you literally get hit-on 15 times per day. From the time you leave home until you get back home men are finding ways to get your attention. i've seen/heard it over and over how women complain about men hitting on them when they're just trying to grocery shop. That's fine with me, I'm cool with that. But believe me, I'm NOT going to be #12 on your little list of "men that hit on me today."

Seriously, I would rather you think I'm stuck up, conceited, or homosexual than to face your crappy, "why are you talking to me? Don't you know I'm too good for you!" -or- the kind that will talk to you until she can figure out how to make her own phone ring so she can excuse herself. :grumble:

Troy67

Cris and Troy, I'd like to marry both of you. And if we got married before the first date then you could have booty the first time we went out. :laugh:

Should we meet there or do I pick you up? LOL

Scoobies87

Eurgh, don't get me started!!! I am 23 years old and I have only ever been taken on one date. The guys around here don't even bother with dates, its all 'come round to mine and we'll watch a film and get to know each other'. which 9 times out of 10 is code for sex-which I may add that I do not put out without commitment.

Chivalry and romance are dead. Men don't know how to treat a lady, it's all about getting their end in. I have had guys get bored of waiting after just a few meetings and go off and sleep with someone else.

Women are to blame too. A lot of them (and no, I do not mean all women) will drop their pants for anyone after a few vodkas.

I have given up. I would rather be on my own then all of that bull ****.

sunkisses

I've said this a zillion times but it's true, once you stop caring what happens, what this other person is going to think of you, what is "supposed" to happen, and you act based on what is true to who you are, you will not have as much of a problem with dating. You don't have to play by rules you didn't create. Dating is a big game of bullsh*t and everyone knows it, yet everyone plays along. Once I stopped playing along, the losers weeded themselves out, the better guys came to the front of the crowd, and I didn't have to do things I didn't agree with.

I think very highly of myself. At the ripe age of 33, I know who I am and what my value is. I have my own rules. They're very common-sense. They're not because I'm a b*tch, but because I know what I don't want to deal with.

I don't go out drinking with men who aren't already my long-term friends or already my boyfriend. You know exactly why you're getting taken for drinks. It is not to get to know you, although it's possible you could be gotten to know along the way. But it's not a direct approach. It's more like the odds are in favor of him scoring some pu**y than you scoring feelings of someone being interested in you. If you're not a sex on the 1st "date" kind of girl, then you're not. There's nothing wrong with that, but stay realistic with yourself. Don't make/take these dates anymore - suggest something else.

Additionally, I've stopped doing dinner/movie kinds of dates. That's not really me. Dinner is fine, but I don't want to have a 2nd date with someone I could have determined wasn't for me on the 1st date if I'd used those 2 hours we spent in silence getting to know one another instead. Other rules:

- go on dates that are fun. If you have hobbies outside of shopping and drinking, it makes this a LOT easier. I enjoy fishing and kayaking, as well as other things. A date that involves these things a) shows what kind of person I am, b) shows I don't operate in the same dating rules as everyone else, and c) is a lot more fun than sitting across from a guy at a table letting him interview me.

- take chances. If someone suggests an off-the-wall date (like the above) take it. I've done some insane *kitten* on first dates. They didn't always work out to form a 2nd date, but they were fun. The guy didn't feel put out by having to feed me an expensive meal. He got to hang out with me being real, and I learned something usually.

- Not every date HAS to be a potential boyfriend. Some dates are better as friends. Some are better to give you a lay without you feeling like you're doing it because you owe him for the drinks. Pay attention to how you're feeling and what's the overall sense you get from this person.

But really........... the good stuff happens when you stop looking for it or hoping for it. That's what happened with Mr. Tiggerrick up there. He checked in on me here to see how I was doing after a bad allergic reaction - like a good friend would, and we ended up getting to know each other after that. I didn't play Violation Friday, didn't throw myself at him and tell him what I'd do to him once I got my hands on him, didn't have to post risque pictures of myself to get him to notice me or to give him something to compliment me on, and we were both ourselves the whole time.

Take some time to really figure out who you are and what you want. Frankly, I like that you canceled the date that made you feel uncomfortable and you did something you like better. Stay that way. Always remember who you are. THAT's who you have to live with.

sunkisses

One more thing....

Don't play the game of exceptions in dating. You'll lose. If a guy seems like his intentions aren't good - go with your gut, not the possibility of an exception. For some reason you had a feeling your date wanted to get you drunk and bang, don't listen to people on the internet who suggest that you question your own intuition. Do some nice guys truly just want to take you for a drink? Sure. But ...those guys sound like exceptions to me. Don't question your intuition...ever.

myofibril

A guy does NOT know where he stands anymore.

But this is exactly the problem I think. In my opinion, it is not about guys knowing WHERE they stand anymore but WHAT they stand for. Different women like different things. Therefore trying to mould yourself into some amalgam of all the things they could possibly like is pointless: you can't please all the people all the time. If a man finds out who he truly is, what he truly wants, accepts the consequences of being that person and then acts on it with unwavering conviction he will attract they type of woman that suits him as an INDIVIDUAL and dating is easy.

When I was single and approaching a woman it was because I found her sexually attractive. I never, ever, tried to hide that fact. At the same time I would never be crude, obvious, blunt or rude about it. However, if a women accepted a date or dates with me it was always there in the background. She knew it, I knew it.

I never EXPECTED a woman to sleep me with me, the only thing I expected was to be treated with courtesy, the way I treated her. If it worked out - great. If not, that wasn't a big deal either. I would always arrange the date, pull out her chair, hold open doors, pay etc NEVER because I thought it would get me some. It was because that is what I believe I should do as a man for a woman. No one else's standard but mine.

And you know what? The dating game was very easy. I simply attracted women who wanted what I had to offer. Most women can take or leave me. The ones that find me attractive though have a very STRONG attraction. And when that happens everything falls into place effortlessly. As a bonus that includes sex within the first few dates. If a woman finds the RIGHT man then they are more sexually impatient than we can ever be...

ETA: I've just read Sunkisses posts. What she said. Smart woman that one...Good on you Tigerrick

Tangerine302

The thing is everyone has their own ideas as to what's appropriate. Why do you expect someone to read your mind as to what you like or don't like?

If you want to be picked up you can mention it to the guy when you are making arrangements. Just like what everyone has said here. Some expect to be picked up. Some want to have their own ride. How in the world would he know what your taste is when you haven't even gone out yet? Just a simple sentence will let him know what you prefer and that would be the end of it.

Same with door opening. Just because someone doesn't open your door doesn't make them a bad person. I wouldn't like it personally.

foremant86

I hate the dating game, and here’s why: Everyone has an expectation of how the date should, or shouldn’t go. You want to be picked up, doors opened, dinner, a walk, etc. That’s fine…except, we know that women have been conditioned to think about “what if he’s a creep? You need your car there so you can get away.” And “you are a strong, independent woman, and you can open your own door.” And so much more. A guy does NOT know where he stands anymore. Even a nice guy, that is trying to do as chivalry dictates gets so many mixed signals that he does not know what is acceptable and what is not. One minute he’s opening your door, the next you are doing it yourself. His expectation is many times shattered by confusion.

I hate dating so much that I refuse to date. Any connection I make is with people that I have gotten to know as friends. People that I’ve already developed a connection, or idea of personality and values. There is one particular person on this site that I’ve met and am smitten with (Sunkisses). We did not date, not in the generic way. However, we’ve gotten to know each other through letters and telephone conversations. I’ve gotten to know her the way I like to get to know people, by talking. I love getting long letters expressing thoughts and feelings, and she’s been great at that. I don’t know what she’ll say, but I try to be a gentleman. I open doors, call on the phone and hold my own in conversations. We do text because I feel that’s just another way of staying connected. But let me tell you, I still hate dating for the reasons I’ve told you.

You want better? You have to be clear about what you want. First one or two dates, you want to meet somewhere, OK. After that, make it clearly known that you wish to be picked up, and do NOT agree to anything else. You want to talk on the phone, fine. Tell him you do NOT text people you date. It’s a phone call or nothing. You want your door opened? Fine, sit or stand there until he opens the door for you EVERY TIME. Express your gratitude and point out how nice it is for a real man to do that for a lady. Stroke his ego, he’ll keep doing it. Let him know in concrete ways that what he’s doing is OK or not OK. If he’s the quality guy that you want, he won’t have a problem doing those little things you are looking for.

And the sex thing…please. We’ve all been conditioned that if a woman says no, it’s no, or it’s a rape charge. Be up front with it. On the first date say something like: “I don’t have sex with anyone unless I feel a strong connection with someone, and that may take a while.” He’ll either be interested in sticking around or not. Either way, NO CONFUSION.

^^ This

Seriously I find it so much easier to date someone who you're already friends with and have actually gotten to know quite a bit.
I've been talking to a guy for almost a year now and we've never dated because the time just wasn't right and now he's in Ohio for 2 months working but we continue to talk to each other every day and build a stronger connection and when he does get home we're going to finally try starting something.

Chivalry isn't everything either, just because a guy opens the car doors and pulls out your chair doesn't mean he isn't a pig unfortunately! I mean don't get me wrong, chivalry is nice, but the last guy I dated always opened the doors, pulled our my chair, took my coat, etc. and he was still a cheating prick in the end!

scarletleavy

I hate the dating game, and here’s why: Everyone has an expectation of how the date should, or shouldn’t go. You want to be picked up, doors opened, dinner, a walk, etc. That’s fine…except, we know that women have been conditioned to think about “what if he’s a creep? You need your car there so you can get away.” And “you are a strong, independent woman, and you can open your own door.” And so much more. A guy does NOT know where he stands anymore. Even a nice guy, that is trying to do as chivalry dictates gets so many mixed signals that he does not know what is acceptable and what is not. One minute he’s opening your door, the next you are doing it yourself. His expectation is many times shattered by confusion.

I hate dating so much that I refuse to date. Any connection I make is with people that I have gotten to know as friends. People that I’ve already developed a connection, or idea of personality and values. There is one particular person on this site that I’ve met and am smitten with (Sunkisses). We did not date, not in the generic way. However, we’ve gotten to know each other through letters and telephone conversations. I’ve gotten to know her the way I like to get to know people, by talking. I love getting long letters expressing thoughts and feelings, and she’s been great at that. I don’t know what she’ll say, but I try to be a gentleman. I open doors, call on the phone and hold my own in conversations. We do text because I feel that’s just another way of staying connected. But let me tell you, I still hate dating for the reasons I’ve told you.

You want better? You have to be clear about what you want. First one or two dates, you want to meet somewhere, OK. After that, make it clearly known that you wish to be picked up, and do NOT agree to anything else. You want to talk on the phone, fine. Tell him you do NOT text people you date. It’s a phone call or nothing. You want your door opened? Fine, sit or stand there until he opens the door for you EVERY TIME. Express your gratitude and point out how nice it is for a real man to do that for a lady. Stroke his ego, he’ll keep doing it. Let him know in concrete ways that what he’s doing is OK or not OK. If he’s the quality guy that you want, he won’t have a problem doing those little things you are looking for.

And the sex thing…please. We’ve all been conditioned that if a woman says no, it’s no, or it’s a rape charge. Be up front with it. On the first date say something like: “I don’t have sex with anyone unless I feel a strong connection with someone, and that may take a while.” He’ll either be interested in sticking around or not. Either way, NO CONFUSION.

^^ This

Seriously I find it so much easier to date someone who you're already friends with and have actually gotten to know quite a bit.
I've been talking to a guy for almost a year now and we've never dated because the time just wasn't right and now he's in Ohio for 2 months working but we continue to talk to each other every day and build a stronger connection and when he does get home we're going to finally try starting something.

Chivalry isn't everything either, just because a guy opens the car doors and pulls out your chair doesn't mean he isn't a pig unfortunately! I mean don't get me wrong, chivalry is nice, but the last guy I dated always opened the doors, pulled our my chair, took my coat, etc. and he was still a cheating prick in the end!

This. Seriously. Just because a guy is "chivalrous" doesn't mean he's a good guy.

meggers123

can't agree about the car thing. In case he's crazy, I don't want him to know where I live right away. :laugh: I'll meeet you there. thanks

Tiggerrick

This. Seriously. Just because a guy is "chivalrous" doesn't mean he's a good guy.

I have to agree. A few actions does not make a good guy. You have to take it into context of the whole person. However, if chilvary is a quality you want, why would you date anyone that didn't meet that standard? Why would you stay with someone that did not respect you for who you are? Again, we all have our standards, lines that if you cross there is no coming back from.

I suppose my post could have been summed up in: "set your expectations, and if they are not met, move on." There are many many more people that could be a better match.

Also, I agree with Sunkisses. Follow your intuition. If it doesn't feel right, it's for a reason.

Kalrez

I'm gonna take the guy side on the dating issue.

Women want to be independent, strong, in charge but also want to be waited on and treated like dainty princesses. Talk about wanting cake and eating it too! Granted, there are some men and women who know how to balance those opposing demands, it's not easy.

Say you're a headstrong, independent woman. If your date holds the door for you, then it implies that he thinks you're weak or whatever.
Say you're an old-school, princess type woman. If your date doesn't pull out your chair, then it implies that he doesn't give a crap about you.

The guy is kinda screwed either way. They're not mind readers. Don't be coy then complain that things didn't go how you'd like.

Be upfront about who you are and what you expect in a partner. Some guys may find that a turn off because they're either not the kinda guy you're looking for or you're not the kind of girl he's looking for. But that's a good thing. Be direct and honest. Weed out the guys who don't meet the standards that you demand, and you'll save yourself time and trouble.

"Just to let you know, I'm a bit of a traditionalist when it comes to dating. Furthermore, I don't have sex unless I feel a real connection with someone. If that doesn't interest you, then let's not waste our time."

myofibril

Ok, women can be guilty of mixed messages. That is true.

However, some men just need....to....stop....freakin'....whining....all...the....goddam....time....It's just distasteful.

To be successful at pretty much anything you need to take calculated risks, overcome adversity, stay strong, but mostly take ACTION. Some guys spend so much time talking about it they forget to go out and do something about.

There's being in touch with your feminine side and there's being feminised to the point you may as well use an Epilday, MAC cosmetics and read Grazia. Sheesh.

ehte_h

Confused.com because women all want . 'bad boys' and get easily bored with the nice ones who do the chivalry thing. By the time they hit there 30's and some even 40's and they've been pimped out more than xzibit and his 'rides', they usually come back with a couple of kids in tow and expect you to be there.

Ladies 'you can't have your cake and eat it to'.

(I'm in for a whole world of ****).

M155AUS

That made me laugh, sorry it probably shouldn't have. I went out with my friends on Friday and the conversations the girls were having in the ladies toilets made me sorry for all single ladies! I am getting married next year and actually text my fiance from the place we were at and said how grateful I was that I found him as I honestly don't think I could do the single scene anymore.

Good luck to you and I hope you find a lovely bloke who treats you well.

Scoobies87

Confused.com because women all want . 'bad boys' and get easily bored with the nice ones who do the chivalry thing. By the time they hit there 30's and some even 40's and they've been pimped out more than xzibit and his 'rides', they usually come back with a couple of kids in tow and expect you to be there.

Ladies 'you can't have your cake and eat it to'.

(I'm in for a whole world of ****).

There's a difference between being nice (polite, respectful, not a cheat) and being a complete wet blanket-which no woman wants. I have been with a couple of wet blankets and yes I did get bored-and also very very annoyed with them.

By wet blanket, I mean a guy who doesn't stick up for himself, doesn't go for what he wants in life and cries when you have an arguments.

Most women like men to be men. A man can still be nice and masculine at the same time.

ehte_h

Confused.com because women all want . 'bad boys' and get easily bored with the nice ones who do the chivalry thing. By the time they hit there 30's and some even 40's and they've been pimped out more than xzibit and his 'rides', they usually come back with a couple of kids in tow and expect you to be there.

Ladies 'you can't have your cake and eat it to'.

(I'm in for a whole world of ****).

There's a difference between being nice (polite, respectful, not a cheat) and being a complete wet blanket-which no woman wants. I have been with a couple of wet blankets and yes I did get bored-and also very very annoyed with them.

By wet blanket, I mean a guy who doesn't stick up for himself, doesn't go for what he wants in life and cries when you have an arguments.

Most women like men to be men. A man can still be nice and masculine at the same time.

I see. Goodluck with finding all of that ladies

crisanderson27

Meg, I would so marry you before our first date...and not for the booty =p.

Bufftexan, I know just what you mean. I think it's a regional thing though. When I lived in Phoenix (population umpteen million)...talking to a woman you didn't know was tantamount to attempted rape by the majority of their reactions (in any scenario other than a bar). Unless you were introduced, the reaction was invariably equal to 'Who are you, why are you talking to me?!'. Exceptions might be the 77th time you went down the same check out girls aisle at Wal Mart.

No, I am not exaggerating.

Here in Fernley (population 12,000), meeting a girl is pretty much a matter of walking down the street. Now, there's no guarantee she has all her teeth, doesn't have seventeen kids at age 21, or has any real grasp on the English language...but, it certainly is easier.

By the way, Sunkisses and Kalrez, win the internet.

crisanderson27

I see. Goodluck with finding all of that ladies

It's out there. All it takes is a bit of testosterone, and good upbringing. While I agree guys like that are a rarity today...they do exist.

Scoobies87

I see. Goodluck with finding all of that ladies

It's out there. All it takes is a bit of testosterone, and good upbringing. While I agree guys like that are a rarity today...they do exist.

Agreed, a good upbringing counts for so much! I have met men like this, unfortunately they seem to be taken! I don't think it is too much to ask for at all.

myofibril

I see. Goodluck with finding all of that ladies

All of what though? This is what she asked for:

polite, respectful, not a cheat

and the opposite of this:

I mean a guy who doesn't stick up for himself, doesn't go for what he wants in life and cries when you have an arguments.

It's hardly excessive is it? She essentially is asking for a guy with a bit of backbone.

crisanderson27

I see. Goodluck with finding all of that ladies

It's out there. All it takes is a bit of testosterone, and good upbringing. While I agree guys like that are a rarity today...they do exist.

Agreed, a good upbringing counts for so much! I have met men like this, unfortunately they seem to be taken! I don't think it is too much to ask for at all.

Yep..taken, or jaded to the point of being a recluse from all the times he's been burned lol.

And msf74, for the record...you've got first runner up on the internet thing. I agree with you completely.

BondBomb

Its amusing to me how many 'men want' and 'women want' posts there are here.
I don't want the same thing as every other woman here just because we are women. That's just stupid. Just like all men are not pigs.
What people don't get is that they are the common factor in all of these scenarios. If you think all women are *****es it's because you are doing something to attract *****es. If you think all men are pigs same thing.

myofibril

And msf74, for the record...you've got first runner up on the internet thing. I agree with you completely.

Runner up? Runner up? How very dare you Mr Anderson:

Scoobies87

Its amusing to me how many 'men want' and 'women want' posts there are here.
I don't want the same thing as every other woman here just because we are women. That's just stupid. Just like all men are not pigs.
What people don't get is that they are the common factor in all of these scenarios. If you think all women are *****es it's because you are doing something to attract *****es. If you think all men are pigs same thing.

So basically, because I am attracting men who are bed-hoppers/abusive etc, I therefore am too? I think not.

I do however understand what you mean about lumping together men and women and assuming we all want the same thing. I was only writing what I (and other women I know) want in a man, should have phrased it better, my bad :P

BondBomb

Its amusing to me how many 'men want' and 'women want' posts there are here.
I don't want the same thing as every other woman here just because we are women. That's just stupid. Just like all men are not pigs.
What people don't get is that they are the common factor in all of these scenarios. If you think all women are *****es it's because you are doing something to attract *****es. If you think all men are pigs same thing.

So basically, because I am attracting men who are bed-hoppers/abusive etc, I therefore am too? I think not.

I do however understand what you mean about lumping together men and women and assuming we all want the same thing. I was only writing what I (and other women I know) want in a man, should have phrased it better, my bad :P

Actually that wasn't directed at you. Sorry if it seemed that way. But my experiences dating have been good and bad. I have been very lucky and had some great relationships with men that I am still friends with. I'm recently divorced so I would rather eat my own eyeballs that start dating again. But I have friends who are cheated on by every girl they date. I also have a cousin that has been abused by every man she has dated or married. There is something wrong when everyone you choose is toxic. But it's not because all men or all women are that way. It's because all of your choices are the same.

BondBomb

Scoobie I don't know you at all but any man that would cheat on you must be insane. I just saw your pic and you are beautiful.
One thing I noticed about my choices. I will probably catch some crap for saying this. I do better when I date down when it comes to looks. I have to be the hot one in the relationship lol

hewhoiscd

It's not that difficult to figure out what a woman expects. Just read her body language and pay attention to what she does when you do something.

If she is racing me to the door, I let her win the race and she can open it. If she holds back a bit, then I open it. If she sits in the car after you get out, go around and open the car door for her...don't just stand there wondering why she's still in the car :laugh: If you are going through an open doorway, always let her go first (unless there is a security issue)...but pay attention to how she reacts and adjust your future actions accordingly. If she grabs the check as soon as (or before) it hits the table let her pay her half. If she hesitates for even a fraction of a second, pay for it all. Any time she isn't doing something you expect her to do, then do it yourself. Any time you do something for her and you get any sort of negative vibe, next time let her do it. On the pick her up at her place or meet her there thing...just ask her, "Would you like me to pick you up or would you prefer to meet there?"

Pretty simple, it's not rocket science, lol. Just pay attention to her.

On the flip side. If she is constantly giving mixed signals, like she hangs back at the door and then scowls at you when you open it. End the date as soon as you politely can, then lose her number :laugh:

Scoobies87

Its amusing to me how many 'men want' and 'women want' posts there are here.
I don't want the same thing as every other woman here just because we are women. That's just stupid. Just like all men are not pigs.
What people don't get is that they are the common factor in all of these scenarios. If you think all women are *****es it's because you are doing something to attract *****es. If you think all men are pigs same thing.

So basically, because I am attracting men who are bed-hoppers/abusive etc, I therefore am too? I think not.

I do however understand what you mean about lumping together men and women and assuming we all want the same thing. I was only writing what I (and other women I know) want in a man, should have phrased it better, my bad :P

Actually that wasn't directed at you. Sorry if it seemed that way. But my experiences dating have been good and bad. I have been very lucky and had some great relationships with men that I am still friends with. I'm recently divorced so I would rather eat my own eyeballs that start dating again. But I have friends who are cheated on by every girl they date. I also have a cousin that has been abused by every man she has dated or married. There is something wrong when everyone you choose is toxic. But it's not because all men or all women are that way. It's because all of your choices are the same.

Yeah I can see where you are coming from. I have had some good experiences but mostly bad. The thing is, is that they all seem so perfect at first. It is only when you have fallen hook line and sinker that their true colours come out. Maybe I fall for them too quickly. Maybe that is the case with your friends and cousin too? It is a shame, sometimes I wish I was born 20 years earlier!
My mum got married to my Dad when she was 17 and they are still besotted with each other now.

crisanderson27

And msf74, for the record...you've got first runner up on the internet thing. I agree with you completely.

Runner up? Runner up? How very dare you Mr Anderson:

Haha, well, how many ties for 'Winner of the Internet' can one hand out in a day?

There is something wrong when everyone you choose is toxic. But it's not because all men or all women are that way. It's because all of your choices are the same.

In a way...this is very, very true. There are things we're attracted to, both consciously and subconsciously. For me...in the past...it was women that needed my help. That needed support and a person to 'save' them (opposite of the whole 'bad boy' syndrome, eh?). Their 'need'...was something I simply found impossible to walk away from. It basically pushed every button I have that corresponded to how I was taught to treat women growing up. They should be respected, protected, and treated with dignity and kindness. I was taught to hold them like a priceless, paper thin glass egg...with all my strength, but without crushing. As I've said, seeing a woman that didn't deserve her upbringing was impossible for me to turn from (even if they seemed normal, I picked up on this subconsciously). Talk about a dismal failure there. You can't save someone else (particularly if they're unwilling to make the effort to save themselves)...they invariably just pull you down to where they are, and it ends with the destruction of everything you've built, when you build on them.