Unsupportive Husband
Replies
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I don't see why you can't prepare veggie side dishes that will double as the main dish for you, salads and appetizers, and designate your husband the Grill Sergeant. Just make a bigger portion of whatever it is you want but enough to share with him. If he wants meat, he can have some fun charring some up for himself!4
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BarbaraHelen2013 wrote: »Theoldguy1 wrote: »pcbossack31 wrote: »Hello everybody! I hope everybody is doing well, especially during these unprecidented times. I have been totally changing the way that I eat and exercise and my husband isn't being very supportive. I want to switch to being a vegetarian and he doesn't like it at all. He won't let me cook what I want to cook and he just comes up with all these excuses why I shouldn't make what I want to make. He is being very controlling. Can someone give me some advice? Is anybody going through anything similar?
You realize you don't have to switch to vegetarian to lose weight? If you have other reasons fine, but weight loss is calories in vs calories out.
The OP does not mention weight loss at all in her question. 🤷♀️
True. I saw the bolded in the OP's question and made the assumption she was working on weight loss but you know what happens when you assume.
" I have been totally changing the way that I eat and exercise and my husband isn't being very supportive."2 -
The OP hasnt come back so maybe she and her husband got in a fight using carrots as swords and she impaled him8
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Ok, I realize that I wasn't clear at all about what I said in my first post. I am allowing him to eat and make whatever he wants to eat, but I want to change my eating habits. But he wants me to eat what he eats which is unhealthy foods. I know that I don't have to switch to vegetarian to lose weight, I do know that losing weight is calories in calories out, but I do have my other reasons why switching is good for me.8
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pcbossack31 wrote: »Ok, I realize that I wasn't clear at all about what I said in my first post. I am allowing him to eat and make whatever he wants to eat, but I want to change my eating habits. But he wants me to eat what he eats which is unhealthy foods. I know that I don't have to switch to vegetarian to lose weight, I do know that losing weight is calories in calories out, but I do have my other reasons why switching is good for me.
If he offers something you're no longer eating simply say no thank you. I'm happy with what I'm eating.0 -
pcbossack31 wrote: »Ok, I realize that I wasn't clear at all about what I said in my first post. I am allowing him to eat and make whatever he wants to eat, but I want to change my eating habits. But he wants me to eat what he eats which is unhealthy foods. I know that I don't have to switch to vegetarian to lose weight, I do know that losing weight is calories in calories out, but I do have my other reasons why switching is good for me.
It sounds to me like if he eats this stuff by himself, hes left to feel guilty about it by himself and he isnt ready to change yet.
You cant do anything about that. You can tell him that you support his decisions on what he eats, and that as an adult he can choose what he wants to eat, and as an adult you can choose what you wish to eat and would like the same support.
If he wont after that, then just leave him, eat what you want, and let him figure out his own issues.6 -
pcbossack31 wrote: »Ok, I realize that I wasn't clear at all about what I said in my first post. I am allowing him to eat and make whatever he wants to eat, but I want to change my eating habits. But he wants me to eat what he eats which is unhealthy foods. I know that I don't have to switch to vegetarian to lose weight, I do know that losing weight is calories in calories out, but I do have my other reasons why switching is good for me.
Is eating together a big way of spending time with each other?
If not, it sounds like he might feel guilty about his choices but isn’t ready to admit willingness to change, like @KrissDotCom said.
If it is, he might be genuinely scared about losing you and the time he shares with you. For example, if your thing is eating popcorn and watching movies together, he might associate the time with popcorn more than the movies, and you wanting to stop eating popcorn sounds to him like you want to stop spending time with him. Rationally it sounds silly, but it can be a very real concern.
Also, you still didn’t mention whether you have been previously cooking his meals. As discussed, relationship roles and labor division are very big things, and shaking that up suddenly is likely to cause pushback.
Food choices are an active discussion in my house, especially snack choices. My husband lost a lot of weight during quarantine because he consistently forgot to eat lunch (I still don’t understand how people forget to eat), so he’s been indulging in plenty of snacking to make up for it. He snacks on what would traditionally be classified as junk. I’m not tempted by most of his choices, but there are some that are my favorites as well. Since I don’t want to eat them unless explicitly pre-planned but will cave if they are there, we have come to an agreement that he will only eat them when I’m not home or I’m already in bed (my normal bedtime is a good 3 hours before his), and he will not leave leftovers where I can see them. It’s the little compromises that make this work for both of us.6 -
As others said, your post is not clear on what exactly he is protesting.
Speaking from experience, it is possible to change someone else’s eating habits with them resisting, but it takes time. In my case, like three years. My husband is (was) very much a meat-and-potatoes kind of guy, but we started small. We always make our weekly meal plan and grocery shopping together, and cook together as well. First, it was just meatless Monday, and not even every week. We usually tried a new recipe every time, so eventually we had some good ones we both liked and started replacing some red meat regulars with those. Now, my husband observes meatless Monday independently even if I’m not home, and is known to cook tofu for a Friday night dinner with his guy friends. We still eat red meat occasionally, but it’s slowly been replaced by vegetarian options, chicken and fish. When we do have red meat, it’s usually in smaller quantities than before.
For the last 6 months we’ve been working on adding more veggies into meals to make them lighter and more nutritious. This process has been much faster than the shift from red meat towards vegetarianism, mostly because I found my secret weapon: agreeing to pretty much any recipe he suggests with ”ok, how do we add more veggies into that?”. He’s getting pretty good at it already, and it doesn’t feel like he’s being denied the foods he wants.
If his issue is with you cooking for both of you and he still wants to continue eating meat, I think you could start small with a new vegetarian recipe here and there, and gradually switching from red meat to more chicken and fish, and going from there. Alternatively, especially if he eats lunch at work, could you have a discussion with him about maybe he could eat his meat on meals that are not shared with you, and have more vegetarian meals with you? It’s not really about vegetarianism, but my husband and I have a pact that we indulge in the foods the other hates when they aren’t home or when we eat at restaurants. That way, the meals we share are something we both genuinely enjoy but neither one is deprived of the other things we like.
This just feels icky to me. There is a feel of manipulation here, I mean your "secret weapon".
I mean it sounds like he's changed on his own choice but the sense of devious Ness just feels wrong. Why can t you accept your husband as he is.3 -
If you expect him to become a vegetarian and refuse to have meat in the kitchen, you need to change your expectations. If he is literally controlling what you can eat, you have a serious marriage problem.2
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As others said, your post is not clear on what exactly he is protesting.
Speaking from experience, it is possible to change someone else’s eating habits with them resisting, but it takes time. In my case, like three years. My husband is (was) very much a meat-and-potatoes kind of guy, but we started small. We always make our weekly meal plan and grocery shopping together, and cook together as well. First, it was just meatless Monday, and not even every week. We usually tried a new recipe every time, so eventually we had some good ones we both liked and started replacing some red meat regulars with those. Now, my husband observes meatless Monday independently even if I’m not home, and is known to cook tofu for a Friday night dinner with his guy friends. We still eat red meat occasionally, but it’s slowly been replaced by vegetarian options, chicken and fish. When we do have red meat, it’s usually in smaller quantities than before.
For the last 6 months we’ve been working on adding more veggies into meals to make them lighter and more nutritious. This process has been much faster than the shift from red meat towards vegetarianism, mostly because I found my secret weapon: agreeing to pretty much any recipe he suggests with ”ok, how do we add more veggies into that?”. He’s getting pretty good at it already, and it doesn’t feel like he’s being denied the foods he wants.
If his issue is with you cooking for both of you and he still wants to continue eating meat, I think you could start small with a new vegetarian recipe here and there, and gradually switching from red meat to more chicken and fish, and going from there. Alternatively, especially if he eats lunch at work, could you have a discussion with him about maybe he could eat his meat on meals that are not shared with you, and have more vegetarian meals with you? It’s not really about vegetarianism, but my husband and I have a pact that we indulge in the foods the other hates when they aren’t home or when we eat at restaurants. That way, the meals we share are something we both genuinely enjoy but neither one is deprived of the other things we like.
This just feels icky to me. There is a feel of manipulation here, I mean your "secret weapon".
I mean it sounds like he's changed on his own choice but the sense of devious Ness just feels wrong. Why can t you accept your husband as he is.
@Avidkeo I don't understand your point. What part about asking for his ideas on something makes me not accept my husband as he is?
From my perspective, it's compromising: he wants one thing, I want another, and we find ideas for combining the two in a way both are happy with.
If we didn't have these discussions and I "accepted my husband as he is", which apparently in your viewpoint means eat whatever he wants us to eat, my wants and needs would not be accepted and taken into consideration as we also have a common goal of not cooking multiple things.
If you feel like asking your husband for more ideas when the first idea is not immediately suitable for your needs and goals makes you manipulative, then you are free to agree with whatever he wants. I'm not that kind of person, he's not the kind of person who expects me to go along with his every whim, and our marriage is fine with compromising to make sure we both get what we want and need. I think accusing someone of not accepting their husband based on a single suggestion for creating compromises is rude and inappropriate.17 -
1BlueAurora wrote: »I don't see why you can't prepare veggie side dishes that will double as the main dish for you, salads and appetizers, and designate your husband the Grill Sergeant. Just make a bigger portion of whatever it is you want but enough to share with him. If he wants meat, he can have some fun charring some up for himself!
Vegetarians don't just eat side dishes and salads and appetisers.
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KrissDotCom wrote: »pcbossack31 wrote: »Ok, I realize that I wasn't clear at all about what I said in my first post. I am allowing him to eat and make whatever he wants to eat, but I want to change my eating habits. But he wants me to eat what he eats which is unhealthy foods. I know that I don't have to switch to vegetarian to lose weight, I do know that losing weight is calories in calories out, but I do have my other reasons why switching is good for me.
It sounds to me like if he eats this stuff by himself, hes left to feel guilty about it by himself and he isnt ready to change yet.
You cant do anything about that. You can tell him that you support his decisions on what he eats, and that as an adult he can choose what he wants to eat, and as an adult you can choose what you wish to eat and would like the same support.
If he wont after that, then just leave him, eat what you want, and let him figure out his own issues.
This! I can totally see this. My father always feels pressured by my mother to eat more as she keeps suggesting and more food to him. Poor guy felt guilty for not saying yes as she is incredibly persistent.
I explained it like this: She wants to eat something, but know she should not. However if she offers it to my dad (or me or anybody really) she feels she has licence to eat it too.
Now my dad understands that dynamic he can respond much better and feels more in control of his food. As a result both dad and mum lost weight (which was a good thing)
So yes @KrissDotCom it may feel your husband is not supportive to you, but maybe the dynamic has more to do with him and resisting that what he knows that is needed than meets the eye. A different type of discussion is needed I think
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1BlueAurora wrote: »I don't see why you can't prepare veggie side dishes that will double as the main dish for you, salads and appetizers, and designate your husband the Grill Sergeant. Just make a bigger portion of whatever it is you want but enough to share with him. If he wants meat, he can have some fun charring some up for himself!
Vegetarians don't just eat side dishes and salads and appetisers.
Of course not. But many delicious vegetarian main dishes are entirely suitable as a side dish for an omnivore. The omnivore may end up getting more than the minimally needful protein, but as long as they don't have kidney disease or something that requires them to severely limit protein intake, that should be fine.
If the OP intentionally for some reason wants to focus entirely on pseudo-meat main dishes, that would be less true, of course. But in a case like that, I personally think she'd be missing out on many of the delights of vegetarian eating.
(I've been vegetarian for 46 years, almost to the day. Before my omnivore husband died, we'd been married for almost 21 years, together for closer to 24 years, and eating meals together the whole way.)7 -
pcbossack31 wrote: »Ok, I realize that I wasn't clear at all about what I said in my first post. I am allowing him to eat and make whatever he wants to eat, but I want to change my eating habits. But he wants me to eat what he eats which is unhealthy foods. I know that I don't have to switch to vegetarian to lose weight, I do know that losing weight is calories in calories out, but I do have my other reasons why switching is good for me.
That's a "yikes" from me.
For me, a minimum is to have a partner who is okay with me choosing what I want to eat (and not eat) and when I eat it. If this is a value for you (and I'd argue that it SHOULD be a value for you), then the two of you need to have a serious conversation.
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This is just all sorts of messed up. Meal plan together, shop together and cook together. Otherwise, adults can fend for themselves. This is just basic cohabitation skills.
This reeks of a control issue. Perhaps counseling would be more use of your efforts right now.7 -
This is just all sorts of messed up. Meal plan together, shop together and cook together. Otherwise, adults can fend for themselves. This is just basic cohabitation skills.
This reeks of a control issue. Perhaps counseling would be more use of your efforts right now.
Yeah I'd have to agree with that. I recently decided to change my diet and I've already said more than once, during dinner planning or shopping when they're maybe going down a road I'm not interested in: "Don't worry about me, I'll fend for myself. I've got it."
It's not THEIR fault I decided to do my own thing, and we do still plan and eat lots of things together, sometimes with my portion being split apart before more ingredients added or I'll fix something for the house that we all can enjoy.3 -
Geneveremfp wrote: »I'm a bit shocked at all of the "make two meals" comments. I'm assuming as he's a married man that he's an adult. If he doesn't like eating your food he doesn't have to. He knows where shops are and he knows what a kitchen is. If he can't cook YouTube has thousands and thousands of how to cook videos.
I know it can be hard standing up for yourself when you're not used to it but I would suggest clearly and calmly having a conversation and making it clear what your intentions are and that his choices are to eat what you're eating or to make his own food. Try to have the conversation away from meal times so he's got time to make changes if he needs to.
I cannot believe all the disagrees your reply has gotten. Men can cook for themselves. And as someone said, it's not 1950 anymore. When my dh and I decided to move back in together(we'd been separated for 12 years) one of the stipulations was I was not going to be in charge of serving him meals. I'd cook for him if there were certain things he'd like but this business of being expected to be THE cook, uhuh. He never starved in 12 years. Just my little rant about women in the kitchen.
Probably coming off sounding like a bi!@h but it's JMO.
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Geneveremfp wrote: »I'm a bit shocked at all of the "make two meals" comments. I'm assuming as he's a married man that he's an adult. If he doesn't like eating your food he doesn't have to. He knows where shops are and he knows what a kitchen is. If he can't cook YouTube has thousands and thousands of how to cook videos.
I know it can be hard standing up for yourself when you're not used to it but I would suggest clearly and calmly having a conversation and making it clear what your intentions are and that his choices are to eat what you're eating or to make his own food. Try to have the conversation away from meal times so he's got time to make changes if he needs to.
I cannot believe all the disagrees your reply has gotten. Men can cook for themselves. And as someone said, it's not 1950 anymore. When my dh and I decided to move back in together(we'd been separated for 12 years) one of the stipulations was I was not going to be in charge of serving him meals. I'd cook for him if there were certain things he'd like but this business of being expected to be THE cook, uhuh. He never starved in 12 years. Just my little rant about women in the kitchen. Probably coming off sounding like a bi!@h but it's JMO.
I liked this. After last night when I cooked something he didn't like I'm going to let him deal with the cooking more I think.2 -
At this stage, reading your responses and his reasoning I suggest you just eat him, log it and move on.18
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Hanibanani2020 wrote: »At this stage, reading your responses and his reasoning I suggest you just eat him, log it and move on.
LOL!3 -
Geneveremfp wrote: »I'm a bit shocked at all of the "make two meals" comments. I'm assuming as he's a married man that he's an adult. If he doesn't like eating your food he doesn't have to. He knows where shops are and he knows what a kitchen is. If he can't cook YouTube has thousands and thousands of how to cook videos.
I know it can be hard standing up for yourself when you're not used to it but I would suggest clearly and calmly having a conversation and making it clear what your intentions are and that his choices are to eat what you're eating or to make his own food. Try to have the conversation away from meal times so he's got time to make changes if he needs to.
I cannot believe all the disagrees your reply has gotten. Men can cook for themselves. And as someone said, it's not 1950 anymore. When my dh and I decided to move back in together(we'd been separated for 12 years) one of the stipulations was I was not going to be in charge of serving him meals. I'd cook for him if there were certain things he'd like but this business of being expected to be THE cook, uhuh. He never starved in 12 years. Just my little rant about women in the kitchen. Probably coming off sounding like a bi!@h but it's JMO.
I liked this. After last night when I cooked something he didn't like I'm going to let him deal with the cooking more I think.
My husband once said out loud he thinks he's a better cook than I am. This was maybe 7 years ago, and he cooked almost all of our meals for maybe 5 of those since I was petty and happy to let the better cook do it.
We still divide(d) related chores somewhat equally:
- we meal plan together
- we make the shopping list together in a way that I sit down with the meal plan and recipes and he jumps around checking if we have the ingredients I ask about
- we do our weekly grocery shopping together
- he's in charge of pots and pans and the part of cooking that involves heat, basically
- I'm in charge of chopping and prepping ingredients, as well as following the recipe (and instructing him on what's next)
- while he's cooking, I clean the kitchen and do other chores if there's no more chopping or recipe-reading to be done6 -
Geneveremfp wrote: »I'm a bit shocked at all of the "make two meals" comments. I'm assuming as he's a married man that he's an adult. If he doesn't like eating your food he doesn't have to. He knows where shops are and he knows what a kitchen is. If he can't cook YouTube has thousands and thousands of how to cook videos.
I know it can be hard standing up for yourself when you're not used to it but I would suggest clearly and calmly having a conversation and making it clear what your intentions are and that his choices are to eat what you're eating or to make his own food. Try to have the conversation away from meal times so he's got time to make changes if he needs to.
I cannot believe all the disagrees your reply has gotten. Men can cook for themselves. And as someone said, it's not 1950 anymore. When my dh and I decided to move back in together(we'd been separated for 12 years) one of the stipulations was I was not going to be in charge of serving him meals. I'd cook for him if there were certain things he'd like but this business of being expected to be THE cook, uhuh. He never starved in 12 years. Just my little rant about women in the kitchen. Probably coming off sounding like a bi!@h but it's JMO.
It's OK. I was maybe a bit harsh in my wording.
Although it makes me really really appreciate my marriage.3 -
As others said, your post is not clear on what exactly he is protesting.
Speaking from experience, it is possible to change someone else’s eating habits with them resisting, but it takes time. In my case, like three years. My husband is (was) very much a meat-and-potatoes kind of guy, but we started small. We always make our weekly meal plan and grocery shopping together, and cook together as well. First, it was just meatless Monday, and not even every week. We usually tried a new recipe every time, so eventually we had some good ones we both liked and started replacing some red meat regulars with those. Now, my husband observes meatless Monday independently even if I’m not home, and is known to cook tofu for a Friday night dinner with his guy friends. We still eat red meat occasionally, but it’s slowly been replaced by vegetarian options, chicken and fish. When we do have red meat, it’s usually in smaller quantities than before.
For the last 6 months we’ve been working on adding more veggies into meals to make them lighter and more nutritious. This process has been much faster than the shift from red meat towards vegetarianism, mostly because I found my secret weapon: agreeing to pretty much any recipe he suggests with ”ok, how do we add more veggies into that?”. He’s getting pretty good at it already, and it doesn’t feel like he’s being denied the foods he wants.
If his issue is with you cooking for both of you and he still wants to continue eating meat, I think you could start small with a new vegetarian recipe here and there, and gradually switching from red meat to more chicken and fish, and going from there. Alternatively, especially if he eats lunch at work, could you have a discussion with him about maybe he could eat his meat on meals that are not shared with you, and have more vegetarian meals with you? It’s not really about vegetarianism, but my husband and I have a pact that we indulge in the foods the other hates when they aren’t home or when we eat at restaurants. That way, the meals we share are something we both genuinely enjoy but neither one is deprived of the other things we like.
This just feels icky to me. There is a feel of manipulation here, I mean your "secret weapon".
I mean it sounds like he's changed on his own choice but the sense of devious Ness just feels wrong. Why can t you accept your husband as he is.
Perhaps you missed the OP's followup. It's the husband who's not willing to accept her as she is. She's fine with his eating what he wants, but he's not OK with her eating what she wants. He wants to eat what he eats.3 -
lynn_glenmont wrote: »As others said, your post is not clear on what exactly he is protesting.
Speaking from experience, it is possible to change someone else’s eating habits with them resisting, but it takes time. In my case, like three years. My husband is (was) very much a meat-and-potatoes kind of guy, but we started small. We always make our weekly meal plan and grocery shopping together, and cook together as well. First, it was just meatless Monday, and not even every week. We usually tried a new recipe every time, so eventually we had some good ones we both liked and started replacing some red meat regulars with those. Now, my husband observes meatless Monday independently even if I’m not home, and is known to cook tofu for a Friday night dinner with his guy friends. We still eat red meat occasionally, but it’s slowly been replaced by vegetarian options, chicken and fish. When we do have red meat, it’s usually in smaller quantities than before.
For the last 6 months we’ve been working on adding more veggies into meals to make them lighter and more nutritious. This process has been much faster than the shift from red meat towards vegetarianism, mostly because I found my secret weapon: agreeing to pretty much any recipe he suggests with ”ok, how do we add more veggies into that?”. He’s getting pretty good at it already, and it doesn’t feel like he’s being denied the foods he wants.
If his issue is with you cooking for both of you and he still wants to continue eating meat, I think you could start small with a new vegetarian recipe here and there, and gradually switching from red meat to more chicken and fish, and going from there. Alternatively, especially if he eats lunch at work, could you have a discussion with him about maybe he could eat his meat on meals that are not shared with you, and have more vegetarian meals with you? It’s not really about vegetarianism, but my husband and I have a pact that we indulge in the foods the other hates when they aren’t home or when we eat at restaurants. That way, the meals we share are something we both genuinely enjoy but neither one is deprived of the other things we like.
This just feels icky to me. There is a feel of manipulation here, I mean your "secret weapon".
I mean it sounds like he's changed on his own choice but the sense of devious Ness just feels wrong. Why can t you accept your husband as he is.
Perhaps you missed the OP's followup. It's the husband who's not willing to accept her as she is. She's fine with his eating what he wants, but he's not OK with her eating what she wants. He wants to eat what he eats.
Yeh, as much as I'd rather my dh eat what I eat to support MY healthy food struggles, it's unreasonable for me to think he'd happily switch. Because of his choices, we end up having more of certain foods in the house and it's incredibly difficult to resist temptation. But that's on me entirely, not him. He's certainly allowed bread, hamburgers, cheese, cookies and other snack foods. It's my own fault I cannot deal with them being in the house.
Ideally, I'd love for him and I to plan and cook healthy meals together but he has no desire whatsoever.
If that's the OP's case, then OP just needs to tell him he can eat his choices, she can eat her choices, and will need to find support somewhere else. As for her SO un-supportive ways, there's a major difference between if he's forcing her to eat the junk, getting angry at her about it, teasing her about it, being belittling(or anything like that) or simply un-supportive. OP, have a heart to heart conversation with SO and tell him of your struggles but do keep in mind, many SO's aren't that supportive because they don't have the desire to change, don't understand the need to change, and/or like things just the way they are. I've got a SO pretty much like that.
Also another thought, if this is still relatively new to the both of you(your healthier eating) then maybe he's taking time to shift his thinking, testing your resolve, and challenging your commitment. If he's wanting to see you fail, then he'll feel validation if you do. But you cannot expect him to change; you can only change yourself. 1 -
One question was posed up-thread and I don't think I saw it answered -- is the unsupportive husband objecting to the wife eating differently or to the wife preparing her own meals *instead* of his?
There's a difference between wanting to be served and wanting to control someone else's intake.1 -
One question was posed up-thread and I don't think I saw it answered -- is the unsupportive husband objecting to the wife eating differently or to the wife preparing her own meals *instead* of his?
There's a difference between wanting to be served and wanting to control someone else's intake.
He wants her to eat what he is eating. There is no indication that she has stopped cooking for him or is unwilling to prepare the foods that he likes to eat.
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