Bereavement
joolspen3942
Posts: 71 Member
I know this is probably not place to discuss this, but I really need some guidance people who understand, I lost my mum wed 19th Aug 2020 to copd. Has anyone else lost a parent how did you cope? Is it normal to feel numb? What did you do about work? I have so many questions I'm so heartbroken I just need answers thankyou in advance 🥺
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My father died a few years ago to cancer, I coped fairly well in the circumstances, and while I was sad it was a relief knowing that he was no longer in significant pain.
It is most certainly normal to be numb, sad, overwhelmed, in a low mood, weepy, etc etc...and it also normal not to be, everyone feels different and people grieve differently and for different periods of time.
Just before my father died I had just started leave from work because we knew it wasn't going to be long. He passed two weeks before Christmas, so by the time Christmas and new Year was over and my work shutdown, I had about a month off work. I don't know what the provisions are where you live but do you get some sort of compassionate leave? Are you in a position to take annual leave or leave without pay?3 -
I'm so sorry for your loss.. so sad, I get 1 week bereavement I do get full sick pay funeral is week this Friday so probably go get signed off for 2 weeks. It's such a stressful time isint it. Thankyou so so much for ur feedback I truly appreciate it🙏3
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@joolspen3942 I'm sorry for your loss.
Losing a mom is terribly hard. The more you love someone, the harder it is. It's so raw and exposed for you, right now. Even breathing probably hurts and makes you want to cry. I spent years, before losing my parents, dreading being without them. I imagined how awful it would be. And it was. I was close to them. It stung. It hurt. It crippled me for quite awhile, until I found myself thinking about something else for a few minutes. Then an hour. A day would go by and I'd finally smile about something. It takes a long time to feel a new 'normal'. It took me years to not want to pick up the phone and call my mom. She died 16 years ago and my dad died 10 years ago. He would've been 100 tomorrow. Not a day goes by that they don't cross my mind.
Nothing erases your memories and love but time does round out the jagged edges of pain.
Be kind to yourself, cry when you need to, maybe write in a journal? Do something to honor your mom's memory; maybe donate or volunteer or plant a tree. And take time/space to heal. Get out into nature and let it all out. Gather with the people you love and share memories. Do things that make you feel better. To this day, I still haven't been able to watch home videos of them.
I'm very sorry. 5 -
God love you @ReenieHJ I'm so so sorry for your loss too bless you, it is so hard isint it like u I lost dad about 12 year ago i knew mum would go but not this quick.thankyou so much for your reply. God be with you and all your family. 🙏🙏1
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Sorry for your loss.
My dad passed when I was 13. My mom when I was in my early 30's. When my mom passed we had a toddler son that my wife was staying home with and a fairly high pressure professional job. Of course I was devastated, but back at work in a week after an out of town funeral. I was hard, but you have to do what you have to do. That's what your parents would want.3 -
Thankyou so much for your feedback, you must have been super strong to have got back to things so fast. Bless you may god be with you and ur family 🙏0
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joolspen3942 wrote: »I know this is probably not place to discuss this, but I really need some guidance people who understand, I lost my mum wed 19th Aug 2020 to copd. Has anyone else lost a parent how did you cope? Is it normal to feel numb? What did you do about work? I have so many questions I'm so heartbroken I just need answers thankyou in advance 🥺
The numbness is a good thing. It allows you a little time to deal with arrangements and all the well meaning people who will wear you out trying to console you.
Grief comes most often in waves. You can be enjoying or even laughing at a fond memory for a time. You can be wrecked for a time. Oddly enough you can even have moments where you have forgotten it has happened. Do not let the latter one make you feel guilty. It is normal.
Grief is mostly about you and your life as it continues with the absence of your mother. Everyone will tell you the holidays are the worst and they are no picnic but initially it will be the small day to day stuff that will hit you the hardest.
If you haven't already you may soon learn that all condolences suck. Try to forgive the fact that they do but these are things we are taught to say. Also try and forgive people for asking "how are you doing?" They mean well.
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Thajoolspen3942 wrote: »I know this is probably not place to discuss this, but I really need some guidance people who understand, I lost my mum wed 19th Aug 2020 to copd. Has anyone else lost a parent how did you cope? Is it normal to feel numb? What did you do about work? I have so many questions I'm so heartbroken I just need answers thankyou in advance 🥺
The numbness is a good thing. It allows you a little time to deal with arrangements and all the well meaning people who will wear you out trying to console you.
Grief comes most often in waves. You can be enjoying or even laughing at a fond memory for a time. You can be wrecked for a time. Oddly enough you can even have moments where you have forgotten it has happened. Do not let the latter one make you feel guilty. It is normal.
Grief is mostly about you and your life as it continues with the absence of your mother. Everyone will tell you the holidays are the worst and they are no picnic but initially it will be the small day to day stuff that will hit you the hardest.
If you haven't already you may soon learn that all condolences suck. Try to forgive the fact that they do but these are things we are taught to say. Also try and forgive people for asking "how are you doing?" They mean well.
Thankyou so so much. It's so lovely to speak to people who understand what your going through thankyou🙏0 -
I'm so sorry for your loss. the numbness will vacillate with other emotions too. during your time off, please make yourself the priority to take care of YOU.
my mom died of ALS when i was 34. my children were 3 and 1 at the time,and i could hardly get through my days taking care of them. she was sick for 4 years so i was prepared in some ways - but not really. i had no help at all during that time as all my friends were working and we have no other family. it was challenging to say the least.
i think of her every day, and sometimes i'll dream she's still alive. it would upset me when i'd wake up, but now i see it as a blessing that she manifested into my dream.
if you can find a friend who will *hold space* for you *ie - just listen and not provide judgment or advice when you need it - then that would help you immensely. i had a former friend berate me 3 months after my mom passed, that she was tired of listening to me talk about my mom.
you are allowed to grieve as much as you need. eventually the grief subsides to a lesser degree.
my good vibes and thoughts your way - dear joolspen...
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MiNinaLisa wrote: »I'm so sorry for your loss. the numbness will vacillate with other emotions too. during your time off, please make yourself the priority to take care of YOU.
my mom died of ALS when i was 34. my children were 3 and 1 at the time,and i could hardly get through my days taking care of them. she was sick for 4 years so i was prepared in some ways - but not really. i had no help at all during that time as all my friends were working and we have no other family. it was challenging to say the least.
i think of her every day, and sometimes i'll dream she's still alive. it would upset me when i'd wake up, but now i see it as a blessing that she manifested into my dream.
if you can find a friend who will *hold space* for you *ie - just listen and not provide judgment or advice when you need it - then that would help you immensely. i had a former friend berate me 3 months after my mom passed, that she was tired of listening to me talk about my mom.
you are allowed to grieve as much as you need. eventually the grief subsides to a lesser degree.
my good vibes and thoughts your way - dear joolspen...
Awww hunny Godbless you, you were so young and children were too. Bless you. You doing brilliant that your able to talk about it.. my children are 10 and 5 my 10 year old it hit her hard. Thankyou so so much for your reply God be with you and your family 🙏🤗2 -
I'm so sorry about your mom.
My dad died about thirteen years ago and I had another big loss two years ago. The numbness, I think, is just your mind protecting itself. Some things are too big to feel all at once. It's very normal to be numb (and it's also okay if someone is never numb).
I'm glad you've got some time off work. I told a few people at work when I was grieving (mainly my manager and some peers I work with regularly), but otherwise didn't talk about it much at work. I wanted to have part of the day that was relatively "free" from that. I don't think this is how everyone needs to do it, it was what I wanted to do.
I personally felt like I had a bunch of bad days in a row. When I had my loss two years ago, I think I went almost ten days without washing my hair because I just couldn't face washing it for THE FIRST TIME after the death. Not logical thinking! But normal for grieving. I had this whole period where any "first time" would make me cry and anything I regularly did with my loved one would make me cry and . . . well, pretty much everything could make me cry. And then I began having some days that were more normal, mixed with days that were still pretty bad. And after about probably nine or ten months, I began having times where something that reminded me of my loved one would actually make me smile instead of cry (and this wasn't straightforward, I would still have plenty of cries left). Now I can usually talk about her without crying and even feel happiness from memories of her.
It's a hole in my life that will never go away, but I've gotten better at living with the hole. When someone is precious to us, it's okay to always miss them when they go away for good. 2 -
janejellyroll wrote: »I'm so sorry about your mom.
My dad died about thirteen years ago and I had another big loss two years ago. The numbness, I think, is just your mind protecting itself. Some things are too big to feel all at once. It's very normal to be numb (and it's also okay if someone is never numb).
I'm glad you've got some time off work. I told a few people at work when I was grieving (mainly my manager and some peers I work with regularly), but otherwise didn't talk about it much at work. I wanted to have part of the day that was relatively "free" from that. I don't think this is how everyone needs to do it, it was what I wanted to do.
I personally felt like I had a bunch of bad days in a row. When I had my loss two years ago, I think I went almost ten days without washing my hair because I just couldn't face washing it for THE FIRST TIME after the death. Not logical thinking! But normal for grieving. I had this whole period where any "first time" would make me cry and anything I regularly did with my loved one would make me cry and . . . well, pretty much everything could make me cry. And then I began having some days that were more normal, mixed with days that were still pretty bad. And after about probably nine or ten months, I began having times where something that reminded me of my loved one would actually make me smile instead of cry (and this wasn't straightforward, I would still have plenty of cries left). Now I can usually talk about her without crying and even feel happiness from memories of her.
It's a hole in my life that will never go away, but I've gotten better at living with the hole. When someone is precious to us, it's okay to always miss them when they go away for good.
God bless you I'm so glad ur able to talk about it now it's so heavy on our hearts . I feel so bogged down at the moment trying to support my mums husband keeping 2 kids entertained whilst off work sorting funeral, whilst having to ring round family members ..thankyou so much for your reply. Godbless you🙏🤗2 -
joolspen3942 wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »I'm so sorry about your mom.
My dad died about thirteen years ago and I had another big loss two years ago. The numbness, I think, is just your mind protecting itself. Some things are too big to feel all at once. It's very normal to be numb (and it's also okay if someone is never numb).
I'm glad you've got some time off work. I told a few people at work when I was grieving (mainly my manager and some peers I work with regularly), but otherwise didn't talk about it much at work. I wanted to have part of the day that was relatively "free" from that. I don't think this is how everyone needs to do it, it was what I wanted to do.
I personally felt like I had a bunch of bad days in a row. When I had my loss two years ago, I think I went almost ten days without washing my hair because I just couldn't face washing it for THE FIRST TIME after the death. Not logical thinking! But normal for grieving. I had this whole period where any "first time" would make me cry and anything I regularly did with my loved one would make me cry and . . . well, pretty much everything could make me cry. And then I began having some days that were more normal, mixed with days that were still pretty bad. And after about probably nine or ten months, I began having times where something that reminded me of my loved one would actually make me smile instead of cry (and this wasn't straightforward, I would still have plenty of cries left). Now I can usually talk about her without crying and even feel happiness from memories of her.
It's a hole in my life that will never go away, but I've gotten better at living with the hole. When someone is precious to us, it's okay to always miss them when they go away for good.
God bless you I'm so glad ur able to talk about it now it's so heavy on our hearts . I feel so bogged down at the moment trying to support my mums husband keeping 2 kids entertained whilst off work sorting funeral, whilst having to ring round family members ..thankyou so much for your reply. Godbless you🙏🤗
Oh my dear, you should be leaning on others as well as trying to be supportive. 2 -
joolspen3942 wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »I'm so sorry about your mom.
My dad died about thirteen years ago and I had another big loss two years ago. The numbness, I think, is just your mind protecting itself. Some things are too big to feel all at once. It's very normal to be numb (and it's also okay if someone is never numb).
I'm glad you've got some time off work. I told a few people at work when I was grieving (mainly my manager and some peers I work with regularly), but otherwise didn't talk about it much at work. I wanted to have part of the day that was relatively "free" from that. I don't think this is how everyone needs to do it, it was what I wanted to do.
I personally felt like I had a bunch of bad days in a row. When I had my loss two years ago, I think I went almost ten days without washing my hair because I just couldn't face washing it for THE FIRST TIME after the death. Not logical thinking! But normal for grieving. I had this whole period where any "first time" would make me cry and anything I regularly did with my loved one would make me cry and . . . well, pretty much everything could make me cry. And then I began having some days that were more normal, mixed with days that were still pretty bad. And after about probably nine or ten months, I began having times where something that reminded me of my loved one would actually make me smile instead of cry (and this wasn't straightforward, I would still have plenty of cries left). Now I can usually talk about her without crying and even feel happiness from memories of her.
It's a hole in my life that will never go away, but I've gotten better at living with the hole. When someone is precious to us, it's okay to always miss them when they go away for good.
God bless you I'm so glad ur able to talk about it now it's so heavy on our hearts . I feel so bogged down at the moment trying to support my mums husband keeping 2 kids entertained whilst off work sorting funeral, whilst having to ring round family members ..thankyou so much for your reply. Godbless you🙏🤗
Oh my dear, you should be leaning on others as well as trying to be supportive.
I know lovely I'm gonna try and practice that🙏🙏0 -
It's all so personal. There are no ironclad stages of grief. No two people experience grief in the same way. There is simply doing it and going through it. I've lost loved ones. Young ones. Sharing my experiences may not make you feel any better so I won't. Grief is similar to falling in love. We don't experience it in the same ways. You won't lose the love you have for your mother. That love will always be real.2
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@diatonic thankyou for your reply Godbless you🙏1
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I'm so sorry for your loss. My Mom passed five years ago and even though we knew it was coming, it still left me feeling numb. I had to find a new normal instead of visiting her. You'll have to take it one day at a time, and as @diatonic said, we all grieve differently. And that's okay, there's no "normal" way to feel. Just know that time really does heal all, be kind to yourself and cry, cry, cry if you have to. She'll always be with you in spirit. I'm sure you brought her much happiness in her life. Good luck to you my friend.2
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My mom died last year to an accidental fall. Other than that she was healthy. All the holidays were hard. And her first anniversary was last month. But life will go on with or without us happy or not. I miss my mom. I miss her smile and hugs. So that's what I focus on, all the good stuff we had together. And I've FOCUSED more on showing love to the ones that matter to me NOW. Just a text or even a quick call hello to them has helped me to feel much better about not leaving things off the table.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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I am sorry for your loss. I lost my mom to COVID-19 on August 22nd, 2020. I know what you are going through. I asked myself how am I going to return to school this fall but I discovered for me while I go through this grieving process is to stay busy. I know that my mom would want me to do that. She was all about staying busy and education. Although, the feeling of emptiness does not go away automatically and of course it will take time to heal, remember to take care of yourself and I promise each waken day will get better. Take care of yourself. Jennifer0
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To continue, yes it is normal to feel numb, empty, sad, brokenhearted, confused, angry, bitter, sluggish because death is not normal to us humans. We expect that our loved ones will be around forever but unfortunately that is not the case. Going to work might be a challenge if you have to be around people because taking a little time to grieve and just listen to your heart might be best but everyone is different in the way that they grieve. Whatever you are going through in your feelings they are yours and it is okay to feel any way that you might be feeling. Feel better okay. Again, I know how you feel!! Jennifer~1
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My mom died last year to an accidental fall. Other than that she was healthy. All the holidays were hard. And her first anniversary was last month. But life will go on with or without us happy or not. I miss my mom. I miss her smile and hugs. So that's what I focus on, all the good stuff we had together. And I've FOCUSED more on showing love to the ones that matter to me NOW. Just a text or even a quick call hello to them has helped me to feel much better about not leaving things off the table.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
That's terrible I'm so sorry to hear this.. thankyou so much for your reply it means alot.yes u are correct to remember best times and to show love to the ones still here .. 🙏1 -
I'm so sorry for your loss. My Mom passed five years ago and even though we knew it was coming, it still left me feeling numb. I had to find a new normal instead of visiting her. You'll have to take it one day at a time, and as @diatonic said, we all grieve differently. And that's okay, there's no "normal" way to feel. Just know that time really does heal all, be kind to yourself and cry, cry, cry if you have to. She'll always be with you in spirit. I'm sure you brought her much happiness in her life. Good luck to you my friend.
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jennifergare12 wrote: »To continue, yes it is normal to feel numb, empty, sad, brokenhearted, confused, angry, bitter, sluggish because death is not normal to us humans. We expect that our loved ones will be around forever but unfortunately that is not the case. Going to work might be a challenge if you have to be around people because taking a little time to grieve and just listen to your heart might be best but everyone is different in the way that they grieve. Whatever you are going through in your feelings they are yours and it is okay to feel any way that you might be feeling. Feel better okay. Again, I know how you feel!! Jennifer~
I'm so so sorry babe to hear this it's just awful so terrible Godbless you Jennifer. If you ever want to talk I'm here to help think with our mums literally passing within a matter of days from each other we can support one another if need be. Godbless u❤❤❤❤0 -
@joolspen3942
My mom died Oct 2015, my best friend Mar 2016, my aunt Jan 2017, my uncle Apr 2017, my Dad Christmas night 2017. I was by their side when Mom and Dad took their last breath. We cared for them at home. Four other relatives/ family friends died in Sept 2017.
So.....
Yes, life goes on.
But time doesn't 'heal' . With time, you learn to cope/deal.
Cry when you want to..... it clears your tear ducts and is a good release.
Visit their grave and chat with them. I used to go more often at first. I'd get an iced coffee, go the cemetery, and sit in the car playing dad's favorite CD. Brings laughter and tears. If thats not for you, find another way to have times of remembrance - maybe a cup of coffee on the patio and trip down memory lane. Talk to them (if no one can hear).
Eventually, you remember more of the good times and memories bring a smile. The next day you may miss them so much you find tears rolling down your cheeks. I'm single. I went to my parents for advice and support. I still miss them and always will. They had a corner of my heart that is theirs forever.
Grief is not a five step process and you're done. It's a healing process, meaning the pain moves from acute to chronic to intermittent to rarely. I can deal with rarely. Whatever emotion hits you today, let it out
gotta release the emotion to get to 'rarely'
Hugs...🤗0 -
I'm gonna guess it's hard losing anyone close to you. My dad died in 2016 after battling cancer for I guess a bit over a year. I spent lots of time with him while he was in the hospital because it was only 10 minutes from my house and I realized he wouldn't be around forever. While it eased the impact of his death in have to say i still felt like I was in a fog for a couple of months after his death. Somedays all you can do is just get through the day then it's like everything became clearer one day and I felt back to normal again. I wanted once again to do things that I hadn't wanted to do for awhile.
I remember arguing with someone here in the forums once when someone said they were down because of a recent family death and they didn't want to go to the gym. I replied you have to heal and then move on the other argued it would give them energy as that's what working out does. I kept making my point that sometimes we have to look after what's inside first because that's what is taking up our energy. The gym will always be there but sometimes we need all the energy we can muster to just make it from one day to the next. Hope the fog lifts soon and you can feel better1 -
AliNouveau wrote: »I'm gonna guess it's hard losing anyone close to you. My dad died in 2016 after battling cancer for I guess a bit over a year. I spent lots of time with him while he was in the hospital because it was only 10 minutes from my house and I realized he wouldn't be around forever. While it eased the impact of his death in have to say i still felt like I was in a fog for a couple of months after his death. Somedays all you can do is just get through the day then it's like everything became clearer one day and I felt back to normal again. I wanted once again to do things that I hadn't wanted to do for awhile.
I remember arguing with someone here in the forums once when someone said they were down because of a recent family death and they didn't want to go to the gym. I replied you have to heal and then move on the other argued it would give them energy as that's what working out does. I kept making my point that sometimes we have to look after what's inside first because that's what is taking up our energy. The gym will always be there but sometimes we need all the energy we can muster to just make it from one day to the next. Hope the fog lifts soon and you can feel better
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