Concerned for my 10 year olds health
cvdub16
Posts: 71 Member
So this one is not for me. My 10 year old daughter who will be 11 in March is starting to put on weight, now I love her no matter what but I am getting worried for her health. My side and her dad's side of the family both have a history of diabetes. She is around 98lbs currently and probably about 4'4 (maybe taller, I honestly haven't measured her in awhile). I know that I can help her with diet and exercise at my house to get her down to her weight range for her age but the problem I have is with her dad. We are divorced and share custody so I don't have much control over what she eats and does over at his house. I fear even I try to get her on a healthy path that it will just be canceled out once she goes back to her dads. As far as I know over there she eats lots of sweets, they eat out a lot since he can't cook, and I have no idea if she even gets out over there to play or anything. I guess I am looking for advice or suggestions any of you might have.
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Replies
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A serious talk with her father. Then a family talk. Make sure she knows how much you both love her. Maybe a similar situation with one of you or a member of your extended families. Tough age, tread carefully mom❤️6
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I was a fat child who became a fat adult and wish so much my parents had done whatever would have been necessary to get my weight under control when I was 10. You miss out on so much being fat, and that is not even thinking about the health considerations.
Tell that to her Dad, that a few treats just aren't worth it in the long run as being over-weight blights your entire life and the best weight control is not to get fat in the first place.
But either way, keeping her food healthy and encouraging exercise when she is with you is at least half the battle won. Just make sure you get her on side, so she does not see you as evil and Dad as fun.
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If you haven't recently can you schedule an appointment with her pediatrician to get advice on her weight gain, and overall health. Getting insight from a doctor might help your ex see how important her weight and overall health is.16
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Good points above ^^. I'll add that my daughter's pediatrician was so good and so helpful about stuff like this. If your daughter is medically overweight or obese, it's worth getting some guidance from her doctor. A really clear statement about current status and future implications can ground the conversation in medical facts, potentially shedding emotional baggage that can lurk in those situations. If you can involve her dad in that conversation, it puts you on a level plane for determining together how much parent effort your daughter's health situation warrants and basics you both are willing to commit to for your daughter's sake. If you can't get him to participate, at least you can start the conversation with him by describing candid guidance from the doctor, with direct quotes to the extent practical.
I wish you all the best, OP. Laying a groundwork for frank conversations will pay dividends in the future on many other topics as her teenage years approach.6 -
Thank you all so far for your advise. I appreciate it.3
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If I were in your shoes I’d make an appointment with her pediatrician and talk to them beforehand about your concerns about her weight so they can make that the focus of the checkup. Talk to her father as well and take him to the appointment with the doctor if you can get him to go, that way you can put the heft of the “talk about weight” on the pediatrician (so you don’t look like the “bad guy”) and maybe you can even get a referral to a diet specialist so they can educate her (and dad) on her nutritional needs. This way you can always fall back on “remember what the doctor recommended for your health” if they don’t seem to be following a healthier path. Well, this is what I would try but whatever you choose to do good luck!
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Co-parenting <-- This has been mentioned several times already. It's a conversation between you and the father. You can't fault him for lack of skills but he should have basic knowledge when it comes to the parenting and feeding of little people.
Not sure what the relationship was like when you were together but hopefully this (necessarily) ongoing conversation about her health doesn't become a "battleground." Following up on @harper16's suggestion and that of others, it would be helpful if BOTH of you are at her ped appointments. Assuming there was no abuse or toxicity, having both of you at her important functions (doctor visits, school plays, etc) will be very helpful.
In a healthy situation, divorced/separated couples can still make a united parenting team.
Unless your daughter gets concerned about it, I wouldn't impose body image and health issues on her at this age.13 -
RunsWithBees wrote: »If I were in your shoes I’d make an appointment with her pediatrician and talk to them beforehand about your concerns about her weight so they can make that the focus of the checkup. Talk to her father as well and take him to the appointment with the doctor if you can get him to go, that way you can put the heft of the “talk about weight” on the pediatrician (so you don’t look like the “bad guy”) and maybe you can even get a referral to a diet specialist so they can educate her (and dad) on her nutritional needs. This way you can always fall back on “remember what the doctor recommended for your health” if they don’t seem to be following a healthier path. Well, this is what I would try but whatever you choose to do good luck!
Yes, another vote for bringing her father with you to the pediatrician.3 -
Hmmm. Maybe I'm wrong but my first response would've been to be a good role model for her, invite her to create healthy recipes and meals, make it fun. Get her involved in new physical activities that she'd like. Make it so much fun for her that she feels really good about the changes and wants to do those activities/eat that food.
As far as her dad, yes do bring it up to him but away from your dd's eyes and ears. You and he(hopefully), as adults know what's healthiest but I feel your dd will feel ganged up on if all of a sudden the topic of conversation revolves around her gaining weight. I imagine she's quite aware of changes in her body and might be terribly embarrassed about them. I remember how I felt at that age. I guess what I'm trying to say is you and her dad do need to be a united front in creating healthier lifestyle changes but don't bring it up unless your dd does first. KWIM? And I also wouldn't talk to the dr. with her present. I can only imagine how she might feel. I have no idea what your dd's personality is or anything like that but can only think of how I would've felt at such an impressionable age where so many things are changing in and outside the body.
You and your ex can make the changes without bringing attention to her. If he's difficult to persuade, bring up the diabetes, share with him what can happen.
JMO and I hope I didn't sound snarky.
That's certainly not my intent.
Good luck!!! And huge hugs to your dd.11 -
Ditto making an apt with her doctor, preferably with her father also in attendance so he gets the same information at the same time from a third party.
A lot of girls put on weight before puberty so it could be just normal changes or it could be something more, but these are things the doctor can help you with.
How are things at school for her? Do you and her father co-parent well? Any bullying? Major changes (other than Covid of course) in her life? All of these could be causing her to eat her feelings, sneak food, or develop other unhealthy relationships with food.
No matter what the doctor says, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, be very careful about what you say to her about her weight and try not to use the term “diet” or “lose weight” or other loaded terms. That could cause even more emotional damage.
You are doing the right thing, this won’t be easy but even if things aren’t the same at her dad’s it is better than not addressing it at all.11 -
My 10 year old son was starting to get chunky so I started talking about how much I enjoyed the gym and how eating good foods fueled my workouts - and also about how many years of eating poorly made me overweight to the point that I can't do what I'd like to at the gym until I get healthier. Eat reasonable portions. Get her moving. Do whatever you can to get her active. Hikes. Bike rides. Monkey bars at the playground. If you're on good terms with your ex, talk to him about keeping her more active and trying to limit the sweets. I know with my son when we go to a party and I let him eat what he wants, he'll eat way too much and feel sick. I just tell him his body isn't used to eating tons of crap and he gets it now.4
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Just be careful. It is so easy to make a child feel as though her value and whether she is loved or worthy of being loved depends on her weight.30
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This is sooo touchy. You don't want to start your child on a rollercoaster with food or start cycles of yoyo dieting - riding that endless merry-go-round to compensate for the rest of their life. None of this is the child's fault and a mother/daughter dieting relationship can turn into a total cluster.
Don't start none. Won't be none.
It's the father that needs direction. You have to sit down with him face-to-face. Explain that he's helping her make choices that will shape her preferences for the rest of her life.
Teach her about her true value. You can do all of this without taking her down the road with endless dieting. It will take strategy and skill and creativity. Find her some other mentors outside the home.
Our body is the best friend we'll ever have in this lifetime. It has to take us to the finish line. Our relationship with our body sets the tone for every other relationship we will have in this life.
It's connected to our self-esteem and without that there are so many missed opportunities. Strong body, strong mind and strong spirit. Help her find it.
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For me I didn't lose weight until I was ready to lose weight. I believe that's true for children too. I know this is going to get some "disagrees" but I really think you shouldn't bring it up until she does. She will eventually make some comment that you can use to open the door for a helpful conversation...maybe about talking to the pediatrician, or educating her on healthier snack choices, or whatever. Plus - she is seeing you changing! If/when she is ready to change, she will come to you for sure! Just be patient a little longer and let it be her idea.11
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tread very carefully. i have vivid memories of being 4 or 5 at the pediatricians office with my mother as they discussed my weight problem and the doctor assuring my mother i would grow out of it. at that tender age they were trying to solve a problem i didn’t even realize i had. my mother policed my foods, questioned what i ate when i went to my grandmothers house and then smelled my breath to see if i was lying. this set off years and years of bingeing/restricting, hiding food and low self esteem tied to how i looked. i still struggle at 42 at times. if you want to help your child, set a good example and choose very carefully what you say to and around them. good luck.31
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Well, I think the main issue here is a communication failure between mother and father. Parents should be on the same page when it comes to their kids health and safety. When they're not it leads to situations like this (or worse). So the first thing that needs to happen before you can accomplish anything is a frank conversation with the father. I hate to be judgemental, but the guy's a grown man; He should know how to feed his family. If he's not living up to his responsibilities as a father then he needs to be told so, probably in more diplomatic terms than I like to use (for starters). Buy the guy one of those one-pot cookbooks perhaps. Maybe have each other over for dinner every now and then so you can both see first hand what kind of experience your daughter's having at each household, so you can settle on a standard you both find acceptable.
As for speaking with your daughter about her weight; I think it's always best for a parent to be forthcoming, honest, and sometimes blunt about these things. You have an opportunity to get out in front of this issue now before it becomes something more serious. She's at an age where she'll need to learn how to start taking care of herself. It's your job to teach her how to do that and you don't have a lot of time to do it before she'll be off on her own. So I'd have to respectfully disagree with the people saying to wait until she brings it up. She may never do that, and at this moment in time she's not responsible for her health and well being. You are.7 -
My 10 year old son was starting to get chunky so I started talking about how much I enjoyed the gym and how eating good foods fueled my workouts - and also about how many years of eating poorly made me overweight to the point that I can't do what I'd like to at the gym until I get healthier. Eat reasonable portions. Get her moving. Do whatever you can to get her active. Hikes. Bike rides. Monkey bars at the playground. If you're on good terms with your ex, talk to him about keeping her more active and trying to limit the sweets. I know with my son when we go to a party and I let him eat what he wants, he'll eat way too much and feel sick. I just tell him his body isn't used to eating tons of crap and he gets it now.
Now see, I don't understand why anybody would disagree with your response. Deal with the issues in a sensitive fun healthy way but don't dwell on them.
And IMO being blunt with your 10-11 yo child about increasing weight will only drive them into shame, despair, 'I'm not good enough' or 'something's wrong with me' type of thinking. And I bet MANY of our lasting weight problems stem from childhood weight problems as well. God knows kids have enough @Rap to deal with in todays world than being told they shouldn't be gaining weight.
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northviewvintage wrote: »This was the most difficult age for me, and I'm not the one with all the answers..but I think to just let her know that she's loved and do what you can to help her self esteem is so much more than trying to control her diet..
YES and get her involved, not so much with competitive sports because kids can be so cruel to each other. But individual sports such as hiking, swimming, just plain walking(make it a friendly game between you and her). Or even keeping her busier with other activities so she's not going to be playing video games/watching tv and mindlessly eating. 7 -
lynn_glenmont wrote: »Just be careful. It is so easy to make a child feel as though her value and whether she is loved or worthy of being loved depends on her weight.northviewvintage wrote: »This was the most difficult age for me, and I'm not the one with all the answers..but I think to just let her know that she's loved and do what you can to help her self esteem is so much more than trying to control her diet..
I am so much in agreement with these comments. Its a tough topic to handle at that age, but I think if you can approach it as a family and the family is all trying to be healthier you can make progress without making her feel targeted. Just make sure you talk about how to handle her self esteem as well as increasing activity and decreasing calories.
~best wishes to you and you family!1 -
Working in a middle school, I've dealt with a lot of kids and I've seen girls go from chubby in 6th grade to by the time they were 8th graders much more slender. This has to do with their maturing around this time. I wrote a paper on this back in college and the change usually happens because boys seem to come into the picture and girls start going into their own cliques.
I wouldn't worry TOO MUCH, however your influence should be one of that of good eating habits. What I did find is that some of the females at this age started looking to bad advice from girls who basically starved themselves and became either anorexic or bulimic to try to compensate for being overweight. We're in a generation where looks and social media are just about everything to teenagers now, so just be aware if you see a significant shift in her eating habits.
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northviewvintage wrote: »This was the most difficult age for me, and I'm not the one with all the answers..but I think to just let her know that she's loved and do what you can to help her self esteem is so much more than trying to control her diet..
YES and get her involved, not so much with competitive sports because kids can be so cruel to each other. But individual sports such as hiking, swimming, just plain walking(make it a friendly game between you and her). Or even keeping her busier with other activities so she's not going to be playing video games/watching tv and mindlessly eating.
Not all competitive sports will be horrible. I’m not sure how the team stuff works w swim, but Cross country might be a good sport to try—she is trying to beat her own time. Only the top 5-7 kids’ times count for team rankings, so the other kids are free to compete against themselves. The adrenaline high of race day and of seeing clear improvement can be very motivating.
A good coach (with which we are blessed) will help everyone celebrate each other’s improvement. There was a huge cheer at our practice for the biggest time improvements (though they were the slowest runners) and proportionally less attention given to our fastest ones, since everyone already knows their times. One of my friends’ daughters (Probably similar stats to OP’s daughter) started with 14 min miles and is down to 9:40. I’ve seen so many kids from different teams discussing their times and congratulating each other over improvements—and not always the fast kids, but the middle-to-back of the pack runners too.
Sometimes having the physical feedback of “I ate greasy hamburger and fries and ran slow and felt queasy” vs “I ate some fruit and a sandwich and ran well and felt great!” can communicate healthy eating better than words and help kids connect their own eating choices w a healthy goal.5 -
Talk to her ped.
And find out what active hobbies she would be interested in. Get her doing something that she loves, that has her MOVING.2 -
I recommend listening to the podcast series called “Healthy Parents = Healthy Families” by Heather A. Robertson of HalfSizeMe. The series is filled with a ton of great advice when it comes to kids/teens and their weight. The first full episode was on January 24th featuring Dr. Yoni Freedhoff, who has a really straightforward, kind approach to this subject. Best wishes!2
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Thank you all so much. I for sure agree that I need to speak to her dad. Its just hard since he lives at home with his mom and literally has zero cooking skills, I have seen the man burn easy mac! And I also agree with the comments that he is a grown man and should know how to feed his family but sadly he doesn't have any of those skills. He has lived at home for most his life and as far as cooking and cleaning type skills he has none since he has always had his mom there to do it. I also agree with not bringing her into the conversation, the last thing I want to do is hurt her self esteem believe me. Its bad enough at her dads house she is told she needs to lay off the sweets cause she has a big belly or she is getting fat. And yes these are the words she has told me they use. I just want to be able to do my part at our home and then talk to the dad and hope he does the same when she is with him. Like I said this isn't a vanity thing its strictly for her health. She does have a problem recently of just wanting to veg out in front of the TV which I am trying to help by having her go outside and ride her bike. I also take her with me when I go on my walks/hikes.9
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Thank you all so much. I for sure agree that I need to speak to her dad. Its just hard since he lives at home with his mom and literally has zero cooking skills, I have seen the man burn easy mac! And I also agree with the comments that he is a grown man and should know how to feed his family but sadly he doesn't have any of those skills. He has lived at home for most his life and as far as cooking and cleaning type skills he has none since he has always had his mom there to do it. I also agree with not bringing her into the conversation, the last thing I want to do is hurt her self esteem believe me. Its bad enough at her dads house she is told she needs to lay off the sweets cause she has a big belly or she is getting fat. And yes these are the words she has told me they use. I just want to be able to do my part at our home and then talk to the dad and hope he does the same when she is with him. Like I said this isn't a vanity thing its strictly for her health. She does have a problem recently of just wanting to veg out in front of the TV which I am trying to help by having her go outside and ride her bike. I also take her with me when I go on my walks/hikes.
The. Plot. Thickens.
Grandma and Gramps are in on this too?
There's a LOT to unpack here.
Ideal scenario (imho): dad goes with you to the ped. Elders come in, on occasion, for family therapy conversations. Everyone partakes in emotionally and physically healthy approaches with our new favorite 10-year-old who has dozens of virtual aunts and uncles she's never met before.
Also, for clarity: dad's house is actually grandparents' house.
Spades are spades 🤷🏿♀️7 -
Thank you all so much. I for sure agree that I need to speak to her dad. Its just hard since he lives at home with his mom and literally has zero cooking skills, I have seen the man burn easy mac! And I also agree with the comments that he is a grown man and should know how to feed his family but sadly he doesn't have any of those skills. He has lived at home for most his life and as far as cooking and cleaning type skills he has none since he has always had his mom there to do it. I also agree with not bringing her into the conversation, the last thing I want to do is hurt her self esteem believe me. Its bad enough at her dads house she is told she needs to lay off the sweets cause she has a big belly or she is getting fat. And yes these are the words she has told me they use. I just want to be able to do my part at our home and then talk to the dad and hope he does the same when she is with him. Like I said this isn't a vanity thing its strictly for her health. She does have a problem recently of just wanting to veg out in front of the TV which I am trying to help by having her go outside and ride her bike. I also take her with me when I go on my walks/hikes.
True or not, Grandma needs to stay out of this if she isn’t going to play nice. That is not acceptable to belittle a child.
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Thank you all so much. I for sure agree that I need to speak to her dad. Its just hard since he lives at home with his mom and literally has zero cooking skills, I have seen the man burn easy mac! And I also agree with the comments that he is a grown man and should know how to feed his family but sadly he doesn't have any of those skills. He has lived at home for most his life and as far as cooking and cleaning type skills he has none since he has always had his mom there to do it. I also agree with not bringing her into the conversation, the last thing I want to do is hurt her self esteem believe me. Its bad enough at her dads house she is told she needs to lay off the sweets cause she has a big belly or she is getting fat. And yes these are the words she has told me they use. I just want to be able to do my part at our home and then talk to the dad and hope he does the same when she is with him. Like I said this isn't a vanity thing its strictly for her health. She does have a problem recently of just wanting to veg out in front of the TV which I am trying to help by having her go outside and ride her bike. I also take her with me when I go on my walks/hikes.
True or not, Grandma needs to stay out of this if she isn’t going to play nice. That is not acceptable to belittle a child.
I agree with this so much. There are two things you can do about grandma. 1) Reinforce like crazy how much you love your daughter and the attributes she has that you admire. Double down on her strengths and don't say a word about appearance, good or bad. 2) Ask grandma not to say anything about appearance. That may sound like a long shot, but it's worth a try.
When my daughter was a tender age and starting to have self esteem issues regarding self image specifically, she spent some time (not a lot) with a family member who always gossips & badmouths people. Putting others down gives this person a boost, and it often involved the appearance of people my daughter knows (rather than my daughter). As the offending family member is old and has been doing this forever, I didn't have much hope for change. In fact, it didn't even occur to me to ask her directly. Another mom was listening when I was thinking aloud about how to disrupt this pattern, and the mom asked the obvious -- why don't you ask her not to? So I did. In an email, actually, that I thought a lot about how to make it short and sweet and all about how denigrating talk impacts kid's esteem, no matter who it's about. It shows they live in a world where badmouthing happens behind people's backs, and that undercuts their security and confidence. The offending family member quickly acknowledged with humor and promised never to do it around her again. So, hey... it's worth a try.
I wish you the best. Tough situation. :flowerforyou:9 -
Along with the other good advice, I'd suggest looking for ways to make vegetables appealing, like roasting and adding herbs. Kids want to eat things that are tasty. Saying "good for you" when I was a kid translated to "tastes like crap/hate" and Mom boiled everything. If veggies are something tasty to enjoy, not something just to be shoved down in order to get permission to eat candy, maybe that will help.9
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My 9 year old child is having the same dilemma and she even admits that she is gaining too much weight.
I'm so afraid that she will develop unhealthy habits and mindsets it's causing me a lot of stress. I just got her dad to agree to keep her active throughout the day with family activities that will get her to get used to moving around a alot. But she is showing signs of anger and repressed emotions around her weight and I myself have had yoyo diets for years so I feel terrible for not setting a good example for her.
But I am working on it now that I'm using this site to help me keep track of my foods and movements.
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You need to talk to her father and grandmother immediately. Hopefully everyone will be on the same page. What they are doing is not acceptable. Words have far reaching consequences that may affect her for the rest of her life. Positive reinforcements are necessary, not insensitive, remarks that hurt feelings, even unintentional ones. They’re the adults.
My heart breaks for her. So many of us have been in similar situations at the same age. Myself for example. My father’s uncle called me fat girl all the time. I was about 11 and 98 pounds, sixth grade. It still hurts and causes me shame just to think about it, and I’m 69 now. Life long poor self image.
It may not be intentional, but they need to give her positive reinforcement through providing healthy food choices, encouraging her to be active, and positive examples she can witness from their choices and actions.
Kids need the adults in their lives that they love the most, to give unconditional love, support and guidance, without words or actions that can be perceived as criticism, or faults of the child. Give her lots of hugs. It’s not easy, but very worth the effort.12
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