Concerned for my 10 year olds health
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northviewvintage wrote: »This was the most difficult age for me, and I'm not the one with all the answers..but I think to just let her know that she's loved and do what you can to help her self esteem is so much more than trying to control her diet..
YES and get her involved, not so much with competitive sports because kids can be so cruel to each other.
But individual sports such as hiking, swimming, just plain walking(make it a friendly game between you and her). Or even keeping her busier with other activities so she's not going to be playing video games/watching tv and mindlessly eating.
Not all competitive sports will be horrible. I’m not sure how the team stuff works w swim, but Cross country might be a good sport to try—she is trying to beat her own time. Only the top 5-7 kids’ times count for team rankings, so the other kids are free to compete against themselves. The adrenaline high of race day and of seeing clear improvement can be very motivating.
A good coach (with which we are blessed) will help everyone celebrate each other’s improvement. There was a huge cheer at our practice for the biggest time improvements (though they were the slowest runners) and proportionally less attention given to our fastest ones, since everyone already knows their times. One of my friends’ daughters (Probably similar stats to OP’s daughter) started with 14 min miles and is down to 9:40. I’ve seen so many kids from different teams discussing their times and congratulating each other over improvements—and not always the fast kids, but the middle-to-back of the pack runners too.
Sometimes having the physical feedback of “I ate greasy hamburger and fries and ran slow and felt queasy” vs “I ate some fruit and a sandwich and ran well and felt great!” can communicate healthy eating better than words and help kids connect their own eating choices w a healthy goal.5 -
Talk to her ped.
And find out what active hobbies she would be interested in. Get her doing something that she loves, that has her MOVING.2 -
I recommend listening to the podcast series called “Healthy Parents = Healthy Families” by Heather A. Robertson of HalfSizeMe. The series is filled with a ton of great advice when it comes to kids/teens and their weight. The first full episode was on January 24th featuring Dr. Yoni Freedhoff, who has a really straightforward, kind approach to this subject. Best wishes!2
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Thank you all so much. I for sure agree that I need to speak to her dad. Its just hard since he lives at home with his mom and literally has zero cooking skills, I have seen the man burn easy mac! And I also agree with the comments that he is a grown man and should know how to feed his family but sadly he doesn't have any of those skills. He has lived at home for most his life and as far as cooking and cleaning type skills he has none since he has always had his mom there to do it. I also agree with not bringing her into the conversation, the last thing I want to do is hurt her self esteem believe me. Its bad enough at her dads house she is told she needs to lay off the sweets cause she has a big belly or she is getting fat. And yes these are the words she has told me they use. I just want to be able to do my part at our home and then talk to the dad and hope he does the same when she is with him. Like I said this isn't a vanity thing its strictly for her health. She does have a problem recently of just wanting to veg out in front of the TV which I am trying to help by having her go outside and ride her bike. I also take her with me when I go on my walks/hikes.9
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Thank you all so much. I for sure agree that I need to speak to her dad. Its just hard since he lives at home with his mom and literally has zero cooking skills, I have seen the man burn easy mac! And I also agree with the comments that he is a grown man and should know how to feed his family but sadly he doesn't have any of those skills. He has lived at home for most his life and as far as cooking and cleaning type skills he has none since he has always had his mom there to do it. I also agree with not bringing her into the conversation, the last thing I want to do is hurt her self esteem believe me. Its bad enough at her dads house she is told she needs to lay off the sweets cause she has a big belly or she is getting fat. And yes these are the words she has told me they use. I just want to be able to do my part at our home and then talk to the dad and hope he does the same when she is with him. Like I said this isn't a vanity thing its strictly for her health. She does have a problem recently of just wanting to veg out in front of the TV which I am trying to help by having her go outside and ride her bike. I also take her with me when I go on my walks/hikes.
The. Plot. Thickens.
Grandma and Gramps are in on this too?
There's a LOT to unpack here.
Ideal scenario (imho): dad goes with you to the ped. Elders come in, on occasion, for family therapy conversations. Everyone partakes in emotionally and physically healthy approaches with our new favorite 10-year-old who has dozens of virtual aunts and uncles she's never met before.
Also, for clarity: dad's house is actually grandparents' house.
Spades are spades 🤷🏿♀️7 -
Thank you all so much. I for sure agree that I need to speak to her dad. Its just hard since he lives at home with his mom and literally has zero cooking skills, I have seen the man burn easy mac! And I also agree with the comments that he is a grown man and should know how to feed his family but sadly he doesn't have any of those skills. He has lived at home for most his life and as far as cooking and cleaning type skills he has none since he has always had his mom there to do it. I also agree with not bringing her into the conversation, the last thing I want to do is hurt her self esteem believe me. Its bad enough at her dads house she is told she needs to lay off the sweets cause she has a big belly or she is getting fat. And yes these are the words she has told me they use. I just want to be able to do my part at our home and then talk to the dad and hope he does the same when she is with him. Like I said this isn't a vanity thing its strictly for her health. She does have a problem recently of just wanting to veg out in front of the TV which I am trying to help by having her go outside and ride her bike. I also take her with me when I go on my walks/hikes.
True or not, Grandma needs to stay out of this if she isn’t going to play nice. That is not acceptable to belittle a child.
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Thank you all so much. I for sure agree that I need to speak to her dad. Its just hard since he lives at home with his mom and literally has zero cooking skills, I have seen the man burn easy mac! And I also agree with the comments that he is a grown man and should know how to feed his family but sadly he doesn't have any of those skills. He has lived at home for most his life and as far as cooking and cleaning type skills he has none since he has always had his mom there to do it. I also agree with not bringing her into the conversation, the last thing I want to do is hurt her self esteem believe me. Its bad enough at her dads house she is told she needs to lay off the sweets cause she has a big belly or she is getting fat. And yes these are the words she has told me they use. I just want to be able to do my part at our home and then talk to the dad and hope he does the same when she is with him. Like I said this isn't a vanity thing its strictly for her health. She does have a problem recently of just wanting to veg out in front of the TV which I am trying to help by having her go outside and ride her bike. I also take her with me when I go on my walks/hikes.
True or not, Grandma needs to stay out of this if she isn’t going to play nice. That is not acceptable to belittle a child.
I agree with this so much. There are two things you can do about grandma. 1) Reinforce like crazy how much you love your daughter and the attributes she has that you admire. Double down on her strengths and don't say a word about appearance, good or bad. 2) Ask grandma not to say anything about appearance. That may sound like a long shot, but it's worth a try.
When my daughter was a tender age and starting to have self esteem issues regarding self image specifically, she spent some time (not a lot) with a family member who always gossips & badmouths people. Putting others down gives this person a boost, and it often involved the appearance of people my daughter knows (rather than my daughter). As the offending family member is old and has been doing this forever, I didn't have much hope for change. In fact, it didn't even occur to me to ask her directly. Another mom was listening when I was thinking aloud about how to disrupt this pattern, and the mom asked the obvious -- why don't you ask her not to? So I did. In an email, actually, that I thought a lot about how to make it short and sweet and all about how denigrating talk impacts kid's esteem, no matter who it's about. It shows they live in a world where badmouthing happens behind people's backs, and that undercuts their security and confidence. The offending family member quickly acknowledged with humor and promised never to do it around her again. So, hey... it's worth a try.
I wish you the best. Tough situation. :flowerforyou:9 -
Along with the other good advice, I'd suggest looking for ways to make vegetables appealing, like roasting and adding herbs. Kids want to eat things that are tasty. Saying "good for you" when I was a kid translated to "tastes like crap/hate" and Mom boiled everything. If veggies are something tasty to enjoy, not something just to be shoved down in order to get permission to eat candy, maybe that will help.9
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My 9 year old child is having the same dilemma and she even admits that she is gaining too much weight.
I'm so afraid that she will develop unhealthy habits and mindsets it's causing me a lot of stress. I just got her dad to agree to keep her active throughout the day with family activities that will get her to get used to moving around a alot. But she is showing signs of anger and repressed emotions around her weight and I myself have had yoyo diets for years so I feel terrible for not setting a good example for her.
But I am working on it now that I'm using this site to help me keep track of my foods and movements.
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You need to talk to her father and grandmother immediately. Hopefully everyone will be on the same page. What they are doing is not acceptable. Words have far reaching consequences that may affect her for the rest of her life. Positive reinforcements are necessary, not insensitive, remarks that hurt feelings, even unintentional ones. They’re the adults.
My heart breaks for her. So many of us have been in similar situations at the same age. Myself for example. My father’s uncle called me fat girl all the time. I was about 11 and 98 pounds, sixth grade. It still hurts and causes me shame just to think about it, and I’m 69 now. Life long poor self image.
It may not be intentional, but they need to give her positive reinforcement through providing healthy food choices, encouraging her to be active, and positive examples she can witness from their choices and actions.
Kids need the adults in their lives that they love the most, to give unconditional love, support and guidance, without words or actions that can be perceived as criticism, or faults of the child. Give her lots of hugs. It’s not easy, but very worth the effort.12 -
I'm curious as to how your dd feels about all this? Is she able to talk with you about what's going on, the negative comments from her relatives, how she feels about herself and her body changes?
That could play a huge part in all this. If her communication with you and trust in you to help/support her in her feelings are all strong, you might be the single most important factor for her. No pressure there.
That poor girl. I wish she didn't have to tolerate all the negativity at the other house. And it sounds like your ex needs to grow up and away from his relatives, think for himself, grab a clue about the way to handle health issues for himself. Argh.
I have no clue what I'd do if I were in your shoes. But maybe sitting down with dd and address the negativity from them first might be helpful. You still don't need to address her weight directly but a whole mess of other stuff. Let's face it, these years of heading to middle school age, are no fun for any of them. They're all trying to find themselves, be part of the pack, and in doing so, many kids make themselves feel better by pointing out others. Work on her self-esteem, how-to's of building a stronger mental foundation to handle your ex and his issues(family), and simply knowing she's a wonderful person no matter what.
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missysippy930 wrote: »You need to talk to her father and grandmother immediately. Hopefully everyone will be on the same page. What they are doing is not acceptable. Words have far reaching consequences that may affect her for the rest of her life. Positive reinforcements are necessary, not insensitive, remarks that hurt feelings, even unintentional ones. They’re the adults.
My heart breaks for her. So many of us have been in similar situations at the same age. Myself for example. My father’s uncle called me fat girl all the time. I was about 11 and 98 pounds, sixth grade. It still hurts and causes me shame just to think about it, and I’m 69 now. Life long poor self image.
It may not be intentional, but they need to give her positive reinforcement through providing healthy food choices, encouraging her to be active, and positive examples she can witness from their choices and actions.
Kids need the adults in their lives that they love the most, to give unconditional love, support and guidance, without words or actions that can be perceived as criticism, or faults of the child. Give her lots of hugs. It’s not easy, but very worth the effort.
So mean spirited! What kind of person does that-- mean to a child on purpose? A really damaged person, I guess. This makes me so sad. I'm on your side on this!5 -
Talking to your ex and his family would be helpful, but the fact remains that your daughter is very overweight if she really is only 4'4". It's only fair to her for you to start making changes as soon as possible.
I wouldn't say anything in front of your daughter as that will not do her self-esteem much good. If she doesn't say anything herself, I wouldn't bring the subject up. I'd be inclined to simply introduce healthier, smaller meals, perhaps bulked out with filling, lower calorie veg so that, for the time she's with you, her meals are healthier. You can always say that you need to make different meal choices to make yourself healthier, fitter, more able to run about etc. You could add mention, in simple terms, of the risk of developing diabetes if you don't change your eating habits and cut down a bit on sweets, pasta, potatoes, rice etc. Don't cut them out, but reduce the portion sizes and increase the amount of veg or salad. Your daughter will pick up on that.3 -
Thank you all so much for this I greatly appreciate it! It is a very tough situation and I fear I will never be able to change the way they do things at the other house. I think I just need to focus on her and when she is with me and have my husband and I do the best we can while she is with us. It breaks my heart cause when she talks about how they talk to her she cries. I just want her to be happy and its so hard when I am dealing with another home and person I don't have too much control over. I honestly only have control over my own home.4
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I did not read all the responses, but what I did were great. If it was not already said, that once thing about adjusting habits in the child is that "loss" of weight is less critical than an adult as unlike adults, depending on the weight, they can grow into it if learning to maintain. Wishing your family well!1
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Thank you all so much for this I greatly appreciate it! It is a very tough situation and I fear I will never be able to change the way they do things at the other house. I think I just need to focus on her and when she is with me and have my husband and I do the best we can while she is with us. It breaks my heart cause when she talks about how they talk to her she cries. I just want her to be happy and its so hard when I am dealing with another home and person I don't have too much control over. I honestly only have control over my own home.
Sounds like you're giving up.
What about taking her father with you to the pediatritian?
What about family counseling?
If I thought my child was being emotionally abused at the other parent's and that there was nothing that could be done to change that, I'd seek full custody.8 -
One thing I’m thinking of doing with my daughter, is getting her a step tracker. I know with some brands you can link them to your own phone. Give her a small goal at first, and together think of some reward that motivates her that she can earn if she hits that goal in a week, whether a daily total or a weekly total. Gradually increase the goal to the activity level appropriate for her age. You can look up target step count for children’s ages. Make increased activity into something that she can feel good about and also a way to earn her reward, whatever that is. You can’t control what she eats outside your home, but maybe you can help motivate her to increased activity even when you don’t have her.
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Thank you all so much for this I greatly appreciate it! It is a very tough situation and I fear I will never be able to change the way they do things at the other house. I think I just need to focus on her and when she is with me and have my husband and I do the best we can while she is with us. It breaks my heart cause when she talks about how they talk to her she cries. I just want her to be happy and its so hard when I am dealing with another home and person I don't have too much control over. I honestly only have control over my own home.
This isn't OK and as her mum you have a responsibility to take some action on that. It is bordering on emotional/ verbal abuse - you can't let that lie. Before even thinking about addressing her weight at all, you need to address this abusive language from dad and grandma.
Tell them that if she comes home crying again you will not be letting her visit and will be going for full custody (and you'd have grounds to do so if they are talking to her like this - along with the fact that it sounds like dad has no clue what he's doing with looking after her). It's not on and hearing this kind of thing from your caregivers as a child is so much more damaging than being a few pounds overweight.
I would advise against doing ANYTHING about her weight right now. If she is hearing this from her dad and grandma in such a negative and hurtful way, she is probably sensitive about it and anything at all coming from you is going to be hurtful.10 -
kshama2001 wrote: »Thank you all so much for this I greatly appreciate it! It is a very tough situation and I fear I will never be able to change the way they do things at the other house. I think I just need to focus on her and when she is with me and have my husband and I do the best we can while she is with us. It breaks my heart cause when she talks about how they talk to her she cries. I just want her to be happy and its so hard when I am dealing with another home and person I don't have too much control over. I honestly only have control over my own home.
Sounds like you're giving up.
What about taking her father with you to the pediatritian?
What about family counseling?
If I thought my child was being emotionally abused at the other parent's and that there was nothing that could be done to change that, I'd seek full custody.
I agree, sometimes it is good to let momma bear out a bit!
Are they aware they have made her cry on more than one occasion? I am guessing she doesn't cry in front of them but they would sure be getting a phone call from me after she told me about it. I think you will be fighting a losing battle if you try to just build her up at your house but she continues to return to an environment where she gets torn to bits.3 -
Thank you all so much for this I greatly appreciate it! It is a very tough situation and I fear I will never be able to change the way they do things at the other house. I think I just need to focus on her and when she is with me and have my husband and I do the best we can while she is with us. It breaks my heart cause when she talks about how they talk to her she cries. I just want her to be happy and its so hard when I am dealing with another home and person I don't have too much control over. I honestly only have control over my own home.
If she cried when talking about time spent with a babysitter, would you ever employ that person again? Of course not.
You may be thinking you don't have any power here, but you do.
I spent a lot of time sitting in family court with a friend and observed judges taking a number of actions, including court-ordered therapy and supervised visitation, and all the way up to granting sole custody.
Now, I'm sure you want her to have a relationship with her father and grandparent(s), but don't you want one in which she doesn't cry when she talks about her visit?9
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