Feeling like I'm never going to win...

This will be a long story, so you might need a cup of tea

I have been obese since I remember myself. Always the chubby girl. Moreover, I realized that fact very early - I remember I was in 2nd Grade, standing on one side of room in school dance and thinking that boy I liked won't ask me to dance because I am fat. When I grew older and started to work in summers, my friends bought toys and pretty dresses for the money they earned, but I bought running shoes. Did not win the fight with my weight then as I lacked knowledge and support from my family. Somewhere in my twenties I tried Weight Watchers, lost a little weight, but it all came back. I am 165cm/5f5in tall. As adult most of the time I weighed approx 83kg/182 pounds. After pregnancy: 93kg/205pounds.

I have been trying to educate myself on healthy food issues and being active for as long as I remember, but not very successfully - because all changes in diet brought barely noticeable results. After giving birth to my son in 2016 and recovering, I managed to find one healthy weight loss program which worked and I was down to 72kg/160pounds. I felt pretty for first time in my adult life. I felt almost normal. I thought that I won - that I found what works for me and now I will be able to maintain weight and loose a bit again if I needed. But my body laughed at me for my wishful thinking.

It all came tumbling down again - perhaps because of stress and too much salt in my food and other reasons unknown to me, I developed gastrointestinal problems - gastritis, dyspepsia and heartburn. At the beginning it was so bad I could barely eat one table spoon of food at a time. And weirdest thing was that I did not loose any more weight in that time. After time and some medicine, stomach felt a little better, but heartburn was awful. Every time I bent or was hungry it would burn awfully, felt like acid is literally squirting out of my stomach into esophagus and then it would hurt awfully for 3-4 days. The only thing that saved me from reflux was to eat very often. Wherever I went I had to carry a tiny box of home cooked food with me. So after a year I was back to 180 pounds again. Without chance to cut back on food because of reflux. Both my stomach and reflux is a bit better, but I still have reflux if I try to cut back on food. I still cannot eat a lot of foods because my stomach would relapse back in pain and other symptoms. My usual food is steamed/boiled chicken, lots of veggies, a bit of fruits and ice cream. No bread, eggs, pasta or similar stuff.

I guess I am just looking for support, ideas, perhaps some experience, if someone has similar problems? How to cut back on food without aggravating heartburn? How to lose weight in this case? With this I sometimes feel that I am never going to win. That I never get to feel beautiful again. I have so often felt like this is not my body - not who I am supposed to be.

And with these stomach aches and heartburn I have learned what medical term on "quality of life" was invented for. It is so depressing to be in pain almost every week, not being able to eat things which are normal for others, because it will cause pain for days.

Thanks!