Concerned for my 10 year olds health
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I'm curious as to how your dd feels about all this? Is she able to talk with you about what's going on, the negative comments from her relatives, how she feels about herself and her body changes?
That could play a huge part in all this. If her communication with you and trust in you to help/support her in her feelings are all strong, you might be the single most important factor for her. No pressure there.
That poor girl. I wish she didn't have to tolerate all the negativity at the other house.
And it sounds like your ex needs to grow up and away from his relatives, think for himself, grab a clue about the way to handle health issues for himself. Argh.
I have no clue what I'd do if I were in your shoes. But maybe sitting down with dd and address the negativity from them first might be helpful. You still don't need to address her weight directly but a whole mess of other stuff. Let's face it, these years of heading to middle school age, are no fun for any of them. They're all trying to find themselves, be part of the pack, and in doing so, many kids make themselves feel better by pointing out others. Work on her self-esteem, how-to's of building a stronger mental foundation to handle your ex and his issues(family), and simply knowing she's a wonderful person no matter what.
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missysippy930 wrote: »You need to talk to her father and grandmother immediately. Hopefully everyone will be on the same page. What they are doing is not acceptable. Words have far reaching consequences that may affect her for the rest of her life. Positive reinforcements are necessary, not insensitive, remarks that hurt feelings, even unintentional ones. They’re the adults.
My heart breaks for her. So many of us have been in similar situations at the same age. Myself for example. My father’s uncle called me fat girl all the time. I was about 11 and 98 pounds, sixth grade. It still hurts and causes me shame just to think about it, and I’m 69 now. Life long poor self image.
It may not be intentional, but they need to give her positive reinforcement through providing healthy food choices, encouraging her to be active, and positive examples she can witness from their choices and actions.
Kids need the adults in their lives that they love the most, to give unconditional love, support and guidance, without words or actions that can be perceived as criticism, or faults of the child. Give her lots of hugs. It’s not easy, but very worth the effort.
So mean spirited! What kind of person does that-- mean to a child on purpose? A really damaged person, I guess. This makes me so sad. I'm on your side on this!5 -
Talking to your ex and his family would be helpful, but the fact remains that your daughter is very overweight if she really is only 4'4". It's only fair to her for you to start making changes as soon as possible.
I wouldn't say anything in front of your daughter as that will not do her self-esteem much good. If she doesn't say anything herself, I wouldn't bring the subject up. I'd be inclined to simply introduce healthier, smaller meals, perhaps bulked out with filling, lower calorie veg so that, for the time she's with you, her meals are healthier. You can always say that you need to make different meal choices to make yourself healthier, fitter, more able to run about etc. You could add mention, in simple terms, of the risk of developing diabetes if you don't change your eating habits and cut down a bit on sweets, pasta, potatoes, rice etc. Don't cut them out, but reduce the portion sizes and increase the amount of veg or salad. Your daughter will pick up on that.3 -
Thank you all so much for this I greatly appreciate it! It is a very tough situation and I fear I will never be able to change the way they do things at the other house. I think I just need to focus on her and when she is with me and have my husband and I do the best we can while she is with us. It breaks my heart cause when she talks about how they talk to her she cries. I just want her to be happy and its so hard when I am dealing with another home and person I don't have too much control over. I honestly only have control over my own home.4
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I did not read all the responses, but what I did were great. If it was not already said, that once thing about adjusting habits in the child is that "loss" of weight is less critical than an adult as unlike adults, depending on the weight, they can grow into it if learning to maintain. Wishing your family well!1
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Thank you all so much for this I greatly appreciate it! It is a very tough situation and I fear I will never be able to change the way they do things at the other house. I think I just need to focus on her and when she is with me and have my husband and I do the best we can while she is with us. It breaks my heart cause when she talks about how they talk to her she cries. I just want her to be happy and its so hard when I am dealing with another home and person I don't have too much control over. I honestly only have control over my own home.
Sounds like you're giving up.
What about taking her father with you to the pediatritian?
What about family counseling?
If I thought my child was being emotionally abused at the other parent's and that there was nothing that could be done to change that, I'd seek full custody.8 -
One thing I’m thinking of doing with my daughter, is getting her a step tracker. I know with some brands you can link them to your own phone. Give her a small goal at first, and together think of some reward that motivates her that she can earn if she hits that goal in a week, whether a daily total or a weekly total. Gradually increase the goal to the activity level appropriate for her age. You can look up target step count for children’s ages. Make increased activity into something that she can feel good about and also a way to earn her reward, whatever that is. You can’t control what she eats outside your home, but maybe you can help motivate her to increased activity even when you don’t have her.
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Thank you all so much for this I greatly appreciate it! It is a very tough situation and I fear I will never be able to change the way they do things at the other house. I think I just need to focus on her and when she is with me and have my husband and I do the best we can while she is with us. It breaks my heart cause when she talks about how they talk to her she cries. I just want her to be happy and its so hard when I am dealing with another home and person I don't have too much control over. I honestly only have control over my own home.
This isn't OK and as her mum you have a responsibility to take some action on that. It is bordering on emotional/ verbal abuse - you can't let that lie. Before even thinking about addressing her weight at all, you need to address this abusive language from dad and grandma.
Tell them that if she comes home crying again you will not be letting her visit and will be going for full custody (and you'd have grounds to do so if they are talking to her like this - along with the fact that it sounds like dad has no clue what he's doing with looking after her). It's not on and hearing this kind of thing from your caregivers as a child is so much more damaging than being a few pounds overweight.
I would advise against doing ANYTHING about her weight right now. If she is hearing this from her dad and grandma in such a negative and hurtful way, she is probably sensitive about it and anything at all coming from you is going to be hurtful.10 -
kshama2001 wrote: »Thank you all so much for this I greatly appreciate it! It is a very tough situation and I fear I will never be able to change the way they do things at the other house. I think I just need to focus on her and when she is with me and have my husband and I do the best we can while she is with us. It breaks my heart cause when she talks about how they talk to her she cries. I just want her to be happy and its so hard when I am dealing with another home and person I don't have too much control over. I honestly only have control over my own home.
Sounds like you're giving up.
What about taking her father with you to the pediatritian?
What about family counseling?
If I thought my child was being emotionally abused at the other parent's and that there was nothing that could be done to change that, I'd seek full custody.
I agree, sometimes it is good to let momma bear out a bit!
Are they aware they have made her cry on more than one occasion? I am guessing she doesn't cry in front of them but they would sure be getting a phone call from me after she told me about it. I think you will be fighting a losing battle if you try to just build her up at your house but she continues to return to an environment where she gets torn to bits.3 -
Thank you all so much for this I greatly appreciate it! It is a very tough situation and I fear I will never be able to change the way they do things at the other house. I think I just need to focus on her and when she is with me and have my husband and I do the best we can while she is with us. It breaks my heart cause when she talks about how they talk to her she cries. I just want her to be happy and its so hard when I am dealing with another home and person I don't have too much control over. I honestly only have control over my own home.
If she cried when talking about time spent with a babysitter, would you ever employ that person again? Of course not.
You may be thinking you don't have any power here, but you do.
I spent a lot of time sitting in family court with a friend and observed judges taking a number of actions, including court-ordered therapy and supervised visitation, and all the way up to granting sole custody.
Now, I'm sure you want her to have a relationship with her father and grandparent(s), but don't you want one in which she doesn't cry when she talks about her visit?9 -
There's always a way. An appointed child's advocate will give her a voice.7
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So sad 😦
Maybe a dumb idea but could you pack food for her to take for snacks and some meals? These people sound shady and mean maybe they could be persuaded money wise by you footing the bill for meals. Her Dad maybe awful about cooking but giving kid a piece of fruit is more then reasonable. Surely he can spoon some pb in a bowl with baby carrots and celery...so many healthy options.1 -
Your ex needs to firstly stand up to his parents and tell him to be nice and keep quiet. He has the responsibility when your daughter is with them to protect her from this. If he can't do that, or he doesn't recognise the problem and your daughter is upset about spending time there, then I'd seriously rethink how much time she spends there. Sounds awful and very stressful - I hope you find a way through it soon.1
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Thank you all for your comments and advice I am so very grateful for the help!4
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Just from personal experience as I was overweight also around your daughter's age. One thing important is DO NOT TALK TO HER ABOUT HER WEIGHT. I have Asian parents, so comments about my weight since childhood is frequent and at every family gathering. Some relative will say you look like you lose weight trying to be nice but my skinny cousin never get any comments about their weight, so even at that age you know. Positive or negative comments doesn't matter, she is probably already self conscious about her weight, talking about it only make it worse. It will only promote unhealth relationship with food. Also when you restricting her from food she like, she will likely over binge on them when you are not around.
Introduce her to health life style with out outwardly mention them. Look up fun activity that can get her moving more. Like get Wii sport like game if out door activity are not possible due to pandemic. Like other mentioned, involve her with cooking, so she start to love health home cooking more than processed food and take out.
Getting some cute but small plates so gave her smaller portion to begin with, if she indeed feeling hungry after finishing, she can get second serving. For snacks like sugary treats, buy individual wrapped one or portion out your self and stored in a dedicated place instead having them readily available in the house. Gave her a small snack allowance a day , and she can pick what she likes, maybe additional snack for doing chores ect.
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4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »Thank you all so much for this I greatly appreciate it! It is a very tough situation and I fear I will never be able to change the way they do things at the other house. I think I just need to focus on her and when she is with me and have my husband and I do the best we can while she is with us. It breaks my heart cause when she talks about how they talk to her she cries. I just want her to be happy and its so hard when I am dealing with another home and person I don't have too much control over. I honestly only have control over my own home.
Sounds like you're giving up.
What about taking her father with you to the pediatritian?
What about family counseling?
If I thought my child was being emotionally abused at the other parent's and that there was nothing that could be done to change that, I'd seek full custody.
I agree, sometimes it is good to let momma bear out a bit!
Are they aware they have made her cry on more than one occasion? I am guessing she doesn't cry in front of them but they would sure be getting a phone call from me after she told me about it. I think you will be fighting a losing battle if you try to just build her up at your house but she continues to return to an environment where she gets torn to bits.
I was wondering the same thing; if your dd even makes them aware how hurt she feels. Are they that callous to not care?? Argh. Yes, it'd bring the Mamabear out in me as well. It took me back to when my dd was young, around your dd's age. She went with her best friend and her parents, her bf said something about my dd's weight and my dd was very upset when she got home. I called the mom and told her what happened. The mom didn't realize and her bf had no clue how her remarks had made my dd feel. This family was pretty close to us because not only was it my dd's bf but they had also been a former daycare family of mine. They met when they were 3 yo and are still good friends today, at age 28.
Do whatever you have to do to protect your dd so she knows she can trust you and you're on her side. Good luck.1 -
I wish my mom would've had the mindset you did. I remember being 10 being the age where I was overweight and she made the comment, "I'm not changing my diet for anyone." I still suffer from my weight, I'm near the biggest I've ever been.4
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