Want to talk about relationships? A personal story.

First I want to apologise for the length of this post – I have had to think long and hard about sharing such a personal journey but I welcome your comments.

I wanted to share my thoughts about my relationship with food and what I have come to realise over the past 4 months I have been on this site....

I have been overweight since I was at school, I am currently 41. I have tried several diets over the years and even been quite successful losing nearly 50lbs on Atkins several years ago but then I stopped and put it all back on and more...

I have been with my partner for 7 years and we have constantly spoken about eating healthy over the years but have never managed more than a few days before one or other of us cave in and buy or cook something unhealthy.

Well this time I wanted to do it differently so I did my research and found MFP to log my food intake I also decided that I needed to work on my fitness, joining a gym was not enough I had done that before so I made a commitment and booked some PT training sessions.

This was all good but it was not enough and deep inside I knew this so I had a chat with our Psychologist at work who has also become a good friend over the past year (I am a Mental Health Nurse) She suggested that I use some of the skills that help me help my patients to help myself and this involved me looking at my relationship with food.

I looked back to when my problem had started and identified that this was in my early childhood I had a completely dysfunctional childhood I grew up with my grandparents (they had adopted me as a baby but I did not find this out till I was 16) My mother (adopted) ruled the home and as I grew up I realised that I could do nothing right no matter what my grades they were not good enough, I was beaten and hated and had no idea what I did wrong.... My Dad (Granddad) was an army chef he never stood up to mum but instead showed his love by feeding me so by the time he dies when I was 16 I was already overweight and had learned that food was how you show someone you care...

Lesson 1 - If you love someone feed them

During my late teens and early 20’s I had a series of bad relationships, I made bad choices including being so desperate to be loved that I got married to a man who in a fit of steroid fuelled jealousy tried to cut my throat and almost succeeded I felt used and abused and unable to be loved I started to believe that it was me that was in some way bad after all even my Birth mother had given me away and my adopted mother had hated me in addition to this my Dad the only one who I believed loved me had died and left me. So I realised I was on my own and I was the only one who could love me.

Lesson 2 – If you feel unloved feed yourself

Well then I realised that the reason I had not been able to find a relationship that worked and made me feel good was that I was a Lesbian then came some changes in my life I came out both to myself and others. I had a couple of great long term relationships (and a few flings) then I met Michelle – the love of my life and my soul mate. (we have now been together 7 years) But by now I was severely overweight, but happy Michelle loves me for who I am the way I am – and deep inside I was afraid to change in case she didn’t love me as much.

Lesson 3 – Keep eating, don’t change live in fear.

I was born and grew up in a strict Catholic household where guilt was something that was part of everyday life. Even as a child I was taught that confession was good for the soul and there was nothing worse than not having anything to confess when the time came so right now here I was with lots of reasons to feel guilty, I was gay, overweight, and things were out of control so I learnt to eat in secret, in the car, in my office and at night when Michelle went to bed – if no one knew then the guilt was less....

Lesson 4 – If no one knows then I feel less guilty

Then I hit 40 and had a bit of a scare I started to get chest pain a strange pain that spread to my face and jaw, I convinced myself it was Angina and I was going to have a heart attack any day but I kept on eating telling myself it was too late to change and that I might as well enjoy the time I had left (repeating this back I know how silly this sounds) I refused to go to the GP did not tell Michelle then one day I had an attack at work I could not breath and was seen by our ward doctor having checked me out he diagnosed that it was stress related and not in fact anything to do with my heart. I breathe a sigh of relief.

Lesson 5 - Everything is fine so keep eating.

It was only when I walked through this and my relationship with food that I realised just how unhealthy this was and that if I was change my weight I would need to change this relationship. So the real journey began and here I am and here are the new lesions I have learnt:-

1) Food and eating are good
2) Making healthy choices makes me feel good
3) Occasional treats do not make me feel guilty
4) Michelle will love me whatever I weight
5) I like feeling healthier

I am sorry this is such a long post but I hope sharing my personal story will inspire some of you to look at your own relationship with food and how this is affecting your weight loss journey.

Lucy