Fellow foodies and cooking hobbyists . . . are you ever embarrassed?
ladyoftherocks
Posts: 64 Member
So even when I was a kid I LOVED going out to eat. My parents always made jokes about it and stuff. I was extremely thin growing up, but even still in high school I started to get very self-conscious about this and not show my excitement as much. Then when I was on my own I really became a true "foodie." I love finding the very best places to eat especially if they're hidden gems. Whenever my husband and I travel, we make a lot of the days plans around specific restaurants that I've researched to try.
I also got really into cooking. My mom hates cooking so I learned pretty much entirely by myself and now think I'm pretty good at it. I love trying new and unusual recipes and am pretty proud of myself for how much I have branched out and all of the techniques I've learned.
But now that I've gained weight I notice my parents aversion to some of this stuff more than I ever did. I sometimes notice my mom's attention waning or her wanting to change the subject if I go on too long about new recipes I've tried. Last time I visited they were talking about how much they couldn't wait to get vaccinated and finally be able to go out to eat again. I forget how I got to the topic eventually but I was talking about this really great restaurant they had recommended me and my husband a few years ago and how it was one of the two best meals at a restaurant that I've ever had, so I asked them what the best food they ever had at a restaurant was and neither of them had an answer to the question, and in fact seemed kind of uncomfortable. I was honestly flabbergasted, I was like but you like going out to eat? How do you not have anything favorite? What about when you used to get key lime pie a lot, didn't you have a favorite? And they said no and that going out was more about the ambiance and they never go out of their way for specific food. Suddenly I just felt so aware of my size and my insides froze. I suddenly became so embarrassed that anything to do with food would be a hobby for me or that I'd like it so much. I felt like, oh obviously. Of course they thought it was inevitable that I would gain weight, being so excited about restaurants even as a kid. Like why can't I not care about food and be happy to eat a boiled chicken breast and broccoli every day and love fitness as a hobby?
Ever since then I've held myself back a lot more from talking about cooking or eating food, thinking that anyone I talk to about it must be thinking about how it impacts my weight. Like I could talk about this stuff when I was thin but now that I'm not I should keep quiet. I think my parents assume that I'm always cooking these fatty gourmet meals or something.
Has anyone else experienced this and how did you deal with it? I have read of some people changing their thinking to just think of food as fuel. I have no interest in doing this. I will always love food and when I separate it from myself I don't think it's a problem. I mean look at all the food shows out there! Oh how I miss you Anthony Bourdain!
I'll add that I don't even think these are things that have contributed greatly to my weight gain, but I can't help thinking it's what everyone assumes.
My parents in particular definitely have always very much valued appearances, and while it was never directed at me as a child, I was impacted by a lot of the things they said.
I also got really into cooking. My mom hates cooking so I learned pretty much entirely by myself and now think I'm pretty good at it. I love trying new and unusual recipes and am pretty proud of myself for how much I have branched out and all of the techniques I've learned.
But now that I've gained weight I notice my parents aversion to some of this stuff more than I ever did. I sometimes notice my mom's attention waning or her wanting to change the subject if I go on too long about new recipes I've tried. Last time I visited they were talking about how much they couldn't wait to get vaccinated and finally be able to go out to eat again. I forget how I got to the topic eventually but I was talking about this really great restaurant they had recommended me and my husband a few years ago and how it was one of the two best meals at a restaurant that I've ever had, so I asked them what the best food they ever had at a restaurant was and neither of them had an answer to the question, and in fact seemed kind of uncomfortable. I was honestly flabbergasted, I was like but you like going out to eat? How do you not have anything favorite? What about when you used to get key lime pie a lot, didn't you have a favorite? And they said no and that going out was more about the ambiance and they never go out of their way for specific food. Suddenly I just felt so aware of my size and my insides froze. I suddenly became so embarrassed that anything to do with food would be a hobby for me or that I'd like it so much. I felt like, oh obviously. Of course they thought it was inevitable that I would gain weight, being so excited about restaurants even as a kid. Like why can't I not care about food and be happy to eat a boiled chicken breast and broccoli every day and love fitness as a hobby?
Ever since then I've held myself back a lot more from talking about cooking or eating food, thinking that anyone I talk to about it must be thinking about how it impacts my weight. Like I could talk about this stuff when I was thin but now that I'm not I should keep quiet. I think my parents assume that I'm always cooking these fatty gourmet meals or something.
Has anyone else experienced this and how did you deal with it? I have read of some people changing their thinking to just think of food as fuel. I have no interest in doing this. I will always love food and when I separate it from myself I don't think it's a problem. I mean look at all the food shows out there! Oh how I miss you Anthony Bourdain!
I'll add that I don't even think these are things that have contributed greatly to my weight gain, but I can't help thinking it's what everyone assumes.
My parents in particular definitely have always very much valued appearances, and while it was never directed at me as a child, I was impacted by a lot of the things they said.
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Replies
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Sorry your parents suck so much. It's OK to love food and cooking, even as a fat person. People who will judge you based on that are not people you need to devote any mental energy toward.6
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I love cooking and especially baking. I have been over weight my whole life and hate to eat or discuss food with others sometimes. I know that the majority of the issue is myself but the world is full of judgmental people. You have to just let their judgments go and enjoy your cooking. Most of my friends love that I cook and bake because they get the benefits of it. If I bake I may have a slice of cake them I split it up and distribute to friends and family. As long as you are working to stay healthy and monitoring your health and portions, I say keep enjoying being a foodie. You can always work on substituting ingredients and making the recipes your own. Weight loss is a lifestyle change which means portion control, maybe dessert only once a week. Best of Luck to you!!1
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Move to Italy. The entire country loves good food and talk about it constantly. I live here, cook a lot, and enjoy putting together a lovely meal.5
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I've worked in some pretty nice restaurants, and many people who make food their hobby are over-weight. I think it goes with the territory.
Everyone has an opinion and most people are contrarians so I think that's just part of being human really.
What can you do about it? Pretty much nothing. Carry on living your life and let it roll off.
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Hey, I notice something in your description. Are you making the assumption that since your parents don't seem that excited about fine dining, they are judging your weight? That may or may not be the case. I know that parental judgement can be very difficult, but also that we sometimes feel judged even when that is not what's on the other person's mind.
Anyway, thank god for restaurants, recipes, chefs, and foodies! Without them, our meals would all be boring!
As for losing weight: while it pays to be a reasonable weight and to be active, but there's a wide range of healthy and you get to pick yours.
As for a foodie going on a diet, it makes me think of the Blues Brother's lyric:
"She said Honey, you know I gave up cigarettes for my new year's resolution; But I didn't give up SMOKING!"
In other words, you can decide for yourself to diet and lose some weight, but it doesn't mean you have to STOP LOVING FOOD!
Best of luck!6 -
Personally, I just generically try to avoid making significant amounts of conversation with people about things that don't interest them, that seem to make them uncomfortable in some way, or that encourage them to say things I think are unpleasant. It's about them, not about me. We're all different people, with different attitudes and needs.
So, I don't talk with non-foodies about food, with sedentary (and proud of it) people about bicycling routes or rowing races, with non-craftsy people about the ins and outs of off-loom beading stitches or the new type of watercolor paints; I don't talk about craft beer with people who don't like beer, I don't talk about managing bodyweight with people who aren't actively into that themselves. Honesty doesn't require saying whatever happens to come into my head, in each situation.
There are plenty of other topics of conversation. If I run out of ideas, I ask them questions about their interests, and try to learn something. (I know that's harder with family, because we think we know all about them already. 😉)
I think that for many of us, food does have that odd emotional dimension, that makes it a little more fraught in these situations. Being a foodie, and being overweight: Not the same thing. Some people don't know or understand that. Some people may be more judgmental about someone who's overweight (or has been in the past) being a foodie. Again, that's *their* intellectual/psychological problem. I don't need to make it my problem, don't need to give them free rent inside my head.
If you're confident that your attitudes are well adjusted, that you have your head screwed on right, I'd say just don't worry about what others think . . . but choose conversational topics that everyone is interested in, and that make everyone (including yourself) feel comfortable, included, happy. It's a useful social skill.
There's no need to change preferences or thought processes in ways that "conform" or that make others happy. As long as it doesn't step on others' objective well-being, I'm entitled to whatever environment I like having in my head, I think.6 -
Yes, I'm embarrassed about my focus on food, but all roads seem to lead to food for me. I've tried to get into a food-as-fuel mindset without success. Other than the ten pounds I've packed on in this past year, I've been able to maintain my weight loss in spite of the fascination with food- just gotta keep track of those calories.0
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My husband's family is really averse to talking about food. Maybe it was the Calvinistic upbringing which kind of has the attitude that food is meant to keep you alive, not for enjoying. Talking about previous meals over dinner is very not done. Sort of like talking about other occasions you had sex while having sex.3
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Unless I'm missing something...your parents have not said anything about your weight, or even implied anything. You are assuming that because they are not as enthusiastic as you about being a "foodie", that they must be judging your weight. That seems like a HUGE leap to me. I think it's more likely just a topic they are not too interested in.
Have you gotten more aggressive in your "foodie" conversations with your parents? I think that if someone pressured me in the way that you did about "what's your favorite thing you ever had in a restaurant", I'd get uncomfortable, too. Even the way you told that story made me feel bad for them, because you were so incredulous that they didn't have an answer to that question. Lots of people, even people who enjoy going out to eat, wouldn't have an answer off the top of their heads,
That's just my take based on what you posted...of course, I don't know what your relationship with your parents is like. I think that, if this is something that is really bothering you, it's worth sitting down and having a conversation with them about it. Tell them exactly why you feel bad and go from there. Don't accuse them of anything, just say that this is the feeling you get and it hurts you.4 -
Yeah I don't necessarily think that what they said carries any inherent implications about your weight. I was just talking to my husband about how I miss eating out, but what I told him I missed about it was just sitting down across from each other, with a glass of wine, and just focusing on talking to each other while someone serves us. Honestly I find restaurant food generally too expensive and not particularly amazing for what you pay - so it is more the relaxing experience that I miss. Maybe your parents are the same.3
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Families each have their own dynamic and I have no idea what yours is. However given my particular family dynamic, if someone was talking to me like this: "I was honestly flabbergasted, I was like but you like going out to eat? How do you not have anything favorite? What about when you used to get key lime pie a lot, didn't you have a favorite? And they said no and that going out was more about the ambiance and they never go out of their way for specific food." then I can see maybe feeling judged by that, like they felt I was being weird.2
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Personally, I just generically try to avoid making significant amounts of conversation with people about things that don't interest them, that seem to make them uncomfortable in some way, or that encourage them to say things I think are unpleasant. It's about them, not about me. We're all different people, with different attitudes and needs.
So, I don't talk with non-foodies about food, with sedentary (and proud of it) people about bicycling routes or rowing races, with non-craftsy people about the ins and outs of off-loom beading stitches or the new type of watercolor paints; I don't talk about craft beer with people who don't like beer, I don't talk about managing bodyweight with people who aren't actively into that themselves. Honesty doesn't require saying whatever happens to come into my head, in each situation.
There are plenty of other topics of conversation. If I run out of ideas, I ask them questions about their interests, and try to learn something. (I know that's harder with family, because we think we know all about them already. 😉)
I think that for many of us, food does have that odd emotional dimension, that makes it a little more fraught in these situations. Being a foodie, and being overweight: Not the same thing. Some people don't know or understand that. Some people may be more judgmental about someone who's overweight (or has been in the past) being a foodie. Again, that's *their* intellectual/psychological problem. I don't need to make it my problem, don't need to give them free rent inside my head.
If you're confident that your attitudes are well adjusted, that you have your head screwed on right, I'd say just don't worry about what others think . . . but choose conversational topics that everyone is interested in, and that make everyone (including yourself) feel comfortable, included, happy. It's a useful social skill.
There's no need to change preferences or thought processes in ways that "conform" or that make others happy. As long as it doesn't step on others' objective well-being, I'm entitled to whatever environment I like having in my head, I think.
This was actually my first thought--that socially speaking, I generally try to stick to topics that are interesting to both me and my listeners, which can change depending on the crowd. As a professional who sometimes works with kids with social learning needs and who has a son that goes on and ON about whatever his current topic of interest is, I try to keep this in mind. Not saying that this is your issue, but just in general, since your parents aren't into food as much, they may get "bored" by the conversation---not that they're judging you.
I don't consider myself a "foodie," but do like going out to eat, trying new foods and recipes. I do remember, however, feeling weird talking about food I loved when I was overweight--like people were judging me, thinking "so, THAT's why she's fat." Now that I"m not overweight, it wouldn't really bother me, but I honestly don't think or want to talk about food all that much. I do think, though, that there were times in my life where I often thought about food, what my next meal was going to be, when I could get a certain food, etc. When I was on a "diet," I often though about food even more. I don't know if my attitude about food changed that helped me lose and maintain weight, or vice versa.0 -
@SuzySunshine99 and @Jthanmyfitnesspal Thanks for your input, I will say that though I can definitely see it being read by that I'm pretty sure I'm not bringing it up constantly or inserting it randomly into conversation, there's usually something related when these comes up and it's natural in the conversation, or at least it would be with friends. I didn't think I was pressuring them about what their favorite thing was at a restaurant, I just asked because it literally didn't occur to me that anyone would not have a favorite experience lol. I figured even if you're not a "foodie" you'd still enjoy some really fancy meal or something you know? Guess not. lol.
And sometimes it's more like "What did you do today?" "I food prepped all day, I found this really cool new recipe etc." to me that's the same as my dad answering that with "I watched this awesome football game and my favorite team won!" when I don't care about football. And I guess that sometimes I'm just so happy that I mastered something complicated and I guess there's a part of me that wants them to be impressed with it. But I'll try to monitor and just avoid the topic as much as I can.
I would actually say that in general, I'm a very good conversationalist. I've really never been accused of being awkward or not taking social cues.\
I'll consider talking to them about it but I guess I'm worried about it opening up a whole can of worms (I no longer bring up my weight or complain about something not fitting for example, because while my mom is trying to be helpful she'll say things that are really upsetting). But yeah, it seems like this may just be my mental health issues getting the best of me. I have to admit I've been really obsessing lately and my anxiety has been way up.4 -
@ladyoftherocks
I’m a foodie surrounded by foodies in foodie cities. (NYC & Rome)
I think nothing of driving an hour for a specific ingredient or ordering an exotic herb just to see how it tastes. I like taking pretty photos of food..I love trying vegetables and all sorts of food from from around the world.. you are not alone. Maybe you just haven’t found your foodie tribe.
Re: family and food. I’m far far more adventurous in my eating that anyone in my family, I married a fellow adventurous eater from Rome and have had even more adventures in eating. (Except Tripe. No.) 😉 (and why in Italy does baked rabbit always look like rabbit?! Can we make it look less bunny like?)
On MFP - I’ve felt a little weird sometimes as some friends have said .. I don’t know what anything in your diary is.. and I’m like what? You’ve never had French lettuce or kakadu plums? So maybe share the joy of cuisine with friends who share the passion.
Family — you know them better than anyone else.. if nothing was said directly, maybe they could just be concerned about your weight but haven’t found a way to mention it or maybe they didn’t want to? Maybe reading into an awkward pause is making you feel more anxious than intended? Maybe they don’t know that being a foodie can include food that can be healthy for you? It’s not all foie gras all the time.
Just some thoughts. Hope you are feeling better and getting ready to try some new ingredients!
👩🏼🍳
😉2 -
@ladyoftherocks, I can see why other posters are giving you the suggestions they are, but your OP reminded me so much of my relationship with my own parents! I'm a passionate person by nature, and I have a LOT of interests and hobbies. But to them, it's always weird that I would bother putting effort into things that they think are unimportant (basically...everything, to them, I think?) It was like that when I was a kid, too. It did make me incredibly self-conscious. But now that I haven't lived at home for a long time, and I've gotten into my own groove as an adult, knowing other families and having friends, I realized it was not actually me who was weird. There was a learning curve, to be sure - we didn't socialize much growing up and I had to learn a lot of social skills on the fly, including when to keep my trap shut even though "this is so interesting and don't you want to know about it, too?!?!"
To some extent I'll probably always be a little bit that way, and my friends are mostly willing to forgive it and I try not to monopolize. But I have learned that my parents' response is disproportionate. Maybe they just remember me as a kid and haven't been able to give that perception up. I think it's also very likely that one or both of them are depressed, just based on some other things I've seen. So, it very well may not just be you. The hard thing about that is accepting that you can't make them treat you differently. That's up to them.1 -
this advice is not meant to be taken in any way except as a suggestion, take a look at "the work" by byron katie. it can really aid in understanding perspectives, beliefs, and other ideas that keep us stuck and emotionally reactive. https://thework.com/0
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ladyoftherocks wrote: »I have to admit I've been really obsessing lately and my anxiety has been way up.
My god, aren't we all? The pandemic and quarantine are enough to drive us all BS crazy. Our parents can always drive us BS crazy. Cooking sounds like a GREAT hobby and I wish for you that you would NEVER have to make any excuses for your passion. There are SO many like minded people you could connect with.
I don't think that a passion for cooking is incompatible with controlling your weight. I think back to the 60/70s cooking show "The Galloping Gourmet," which initially was focused on high-calorie French-style cooking with tons of clarified butter and total distain for people who cooked otherwise. After his wife had a he The chef later updated his approach later to focus on lighter recipes, but still with excellent flavors. (BTW, this story shows my age!)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Graham_Kerr4 -
So I know it's not exactly the same thing, but I just wanted to chime in here that I do get sort of embarrassed from time to time about my interest in food and cooking/baking.
I work in a small office with 4 other people. They are all the types who eat to live and see food as fuel. Some are more fit and some are less fit than me. For most of them, lunch means picking up a fast food chicken sandwich or tacos. For me, it means going home and eating stuff like vegetarian stew with fresh herbs and freshly baked scones from the night before and local microgreens etc. I don't brag about this stuff but when food comes up it gets kind of funny, the difference between me and my fellow staff members. I'm always visiting breweries and farms on weekends and they have no interest. So I do sometimes feel sheepish about it!2 -
@seltzermint555 ugh that sucks! I hate it when you're in an office where not many people share your interests! You sound a lot like me lol. Also now I really want some freshly baked scones. I got super into baking for the first time at the beginning of the pandemic but have slowed down a little now, though I'm dying to make piroshki again.
I used to always work with people I didn't have much in common with or even didn't like and now I'm in an office with mostly people I'm spookily similar to and it's amazing.1 -
Anytime you feel judged for your passion for food, just remember those folks who have become legend because of their passion for food. That happened solely because so many of us share that same passion!
Everyone doesn't, though. I know some folks who go out of their way to try new and/or different restaurants/cafes who are after the experience of 'newness'. The food is important, but it is the experience that resonates with them.
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penguinmama87 wrote: »@ladyoftherocks, I can see why other posters are giving you the suggestions they are, but your OP reminded me so much of my relationship with my own parents! I'm a passionate person by nature, and I have a LOT of interests and hobbies. But to them, it's always weird that I would bother putting effort into things that they think are unimportant (basically...everything, to them, I think?) It was like that when I was a kid, too. It did make me incredibly self-conscious. But now that I haven't lived at home for a long time, and I've gotten into my own groove as an adult, knowing other families and having friends, I realized it was not actually me who was weird. There was a learning curve, to be sure - we didn't socialize much growing up and I had to learn a lot of social skills on the fly, including when to keep my trap shut even though "this is so interesting and don't you want to know about it, too?!?!"
To some extent I'll probably always be a little bit that way, and my friends are mostly willing to forgive it and I try not to monopolize. But I have learned that my parents' response is disproportionate. Maybe they just remember me as a kid and haven't been able to give that perception up. I think it's also very likely that one or both of them are depressed, just based on some other things I've seen. So, it very well may not just be you. The hard thing about that is accepting that you can't make them treat you differently. That's up to them.
Bravo! @penguinmama87 While I know I should 'keep my trap shut', I still struggle with actually doing it! LOL After all, I am open to things that might change my point of view, how can others not be?! But alas...too many still see a changed opinion as a lack of intelligence rather than as a sign of growth.1 -
I don't consider myself a "foodie" but I've dined at 3 star Michelin restaurants as well as at Triple D type dives.
I don't talk to people about my preferences in food. So, I'm never embarrassed about my choice of food to eat and wouldn't be even if I did.1
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