I hope no can relate, but I bet some of us do

LargeEricS · May 2021

Man, where do I start. I'm a 25 year old male, standing roughly 6'5 and I'm destined to be fat I think. Seriously, this will be my FOURTH! attempt at sustained weight loss. My journey started in Jan. 2018, when I tipped the scales at 300lbs. I was newly engaged and quite frankly didn't want to be immortalized in my wedding photos at that weight. I decided to set a 75lb weight loss goal for my self by my wedding day. I completely overhauled my diet, turned to HIIT programs like Insainty, and actually hit the gym 6 days a week with a close friend who use to competitvely lift weights. Needless to say, I made my goal, and never felt better. I will add, I never had a negative outlook on my body even at 300lbs, I knew I was heavy but I didn't hate the mirror. Either way I had reached my goal and thought this is the my pinnacle. I walked around with my shirt off everyday till winter, as I reside in Michigan, and I'm not fond of frostbit. At the wedding people poured up to me, blown away at my transformation. I ended up slowing down after and just taking "me" time as I had just grinded 24/7 for nine months to get to my goal. Then it fell apart, I started eating more, rationalizing that my new found muscles and my stature at 6'5 would somehow allow me to eat two ice cream sandwiches a night. Needless to say by the following spring, six months removed from my goal of 225 I found myself at 260 pounds. The utter disbelief that befell me was devastating. The lies one can tell themselves and believe is truly incredible. "Oh, I'm just bloated today," "this is just a bad week." Nonetheless I decided I did it once I can easily do it again, I'm older, wiser, this will be easy, and it was. I fired up the HIIT workouts, gym attire, and got back on the grind. Low and behold by September 1st, six months from my weight gain, and almost one year from my wedding I was 225lbs again. This time around I was softer, less toned but still happy with where I ended. I had changed a lot of my lifestyle and unhealthy habits by the end of this second journey. Life was good......until it wasn't. All these changes I thought I had made were up and gone. I was back unpacking boxes of my "fat" clothes as I had ballooned again in weight. This time I had cut the head of the snake off earlier than before and found myself at 250lbs. Three months, thats all it had taken to lie to myself again. To tell myself I knew better this time, because I had walked this road. There was no way I'd let it get out of hand again. I mean all I have to do is get a fifteen minute workout in here and there when I'm busy to maintain. I had found through my 2nd weight loss journey that instead of squeezing in what I could, I just wouldn't workout if I didn't have a full hour as that was what I had grown accustomed to. But again somehow I had let myself go, and that was the lowest I had ever felt. It was terrible, until then, depression wasn't something I put a ton of weight into believing. Naive as that sounds its the truth. But as cliché as this sounds, love conquers all. My wife, my rock, thee already trim, decided she'd workout with me to help get me remoteivated. And that I was, I had a new lease on life, dusted of those dam Insanity disc again and started working out. Diet, check. Workouts, check. Accountability, check. Not surprising, with hard work through the summer I had gotten down to 230lbs. It wasn't, the 225 I typically shot for and achieved. But I was happy, both physical and mentally. For so long I had tied my happiness to a number on a scale, that it was borderline clinical. I didnt care about numbers anymore though, it was about being healthy mentally this time. Life was soaring upwards for me and it felt great coming from an all time low. My wife and I bought our dream home last fall, and covid while real and something we all deal with, felt like nothing. I even repacked all my "fat" clothes. I could've dropped dead and died a happy man in my books. Which brings us to present day, I've ballooned to 260lbs again and the low I felt last time is something I'd trade my soul for now. What's worse, is waking up everyday and having to look at all the photos hung on the walls. I only ever take photos when I'm thin I've noticed, not to mention those damn wedding photos. Whats worse than being immortalized as a heavier guy is being immortalized as something I feel like I'll never achieve or someone I'll never be again. I don't care about the onset of hair loss, how in two years the way I've clearly aged. My house is no longer my home, just a reminder of this problem, this addiction I have to food, to beer(not an alcoholic)and the way I munch after to many. I wake up everyday and hope it's not in my house. Myfitnesspal use to be my savior, and is now my personal hell. Everything is seemingly a shrine of a person I strive to be, have been, but will seemingly never be. I've tried to use MFP again, and started running and lifting weights again. But one month in, zero pounds lost, diet complete garbage, and not a ounce of will left in my bones to endeavor on my fourth weight loss journey, I am a broken man. A shell of the person I want to be. To be clear, I am writing this because holding it in is not healthy. But also because, if you are walking this road too, there is one person out there who knows exactly what it's like. We'll get through it, I'm not giving up, but the road back starts by getting ride of these negative feelings, the hatred I feel for myself, the negative body image I've created. This is the start of my recovery and I needed to write this.

crosbylee · May 2021

I feel your pain. Although my attempts rarely get me close to my goal. I refuse to quit trying. I haven't gotten myself to log everything, every day, but I am starting be honest with myself. I am the only one who can change what I am doing. My health has gotten me to a diabetes diagnosis and I want to change that. Don't give up on yourself and remember what we do today to change our habits, have to be the entire lifestyle change.

gothchiq · May 2021

If your hair is falling, I've got a couple recommendations. Get a HairMax red laser, or other FDA approved red scalp laser, and also get some Rogaine or other brand of minoxidil. Use these two things religiously. Additionally, if you can get Nioxin shampoo and conditioner, or other similar product with mint/rosemary/horsetail included, those help as well. The botanical ingredients stimulate circulation to the scalp.

For the mental struggles, if you have access to therapy, maybe that would help you get back on a sustainable path?

goal06082021 · May 2021

It sounds like you're coming to terms with something I also realized when I started to get serious about weight-loss again. I don't have any photos of adult me at a healthy weight, so that specific part of your story doesn't resonate with me (although you know what they say, if everyone put their problems in one big pile we'd probably all start grabbing for our own back just as quickly as we put them there), but what I have realized is this. I want this go-round to be my last. I don't want to do this again. So, to that end, my mantra has been "no temporary changes." I am not dieting, I am changing the way I eat and my relationship with food. To become a person who weighs X lbs, I must learn to eat like a person who weighs X lbs. To become a person with such-and-such physique, I must learn to train like a person with such-and-such physique. My specific goals are going to be different from yours, but the sentiment is the important thing. You and I are both working to become people we haven't been before, and that's different from "dieting." It's not a temporary fix, not just something you do until your body is an acceptable shape, because as soon as you stop doing it, your body stops being that shape, as you well know.

I would love to be a person who can "eat intuitively," but clearly my intuition's busted somehow if "eating intuitively" got me to 250+ lbs. So, I use MFP - it's a tool that helps me function in ways that serve my goals, the same way my prescription eyeglasses do. I have 10+ years of data that show I lose or maintain weight when I track, and I gain weight when I don't. I expect I will need to log what I eat in some way, using this app or something else, for the rest of my life. It'd be great if I didn't have to, but I can't rely on being able to do that, so that's not the goal or the plan. The goal is to build a stronger, healthier body using whatever tools I have at my disposal, and that includes a food diary because all the evidence shows that I need one.

vivaco3 · May 2021

I completely relate to this, unfortunately, but fortunately because I know we're not the only ones. I've attempted to lose weight more times than I can count to get back to the weight I was before I met my now husband. I have a few good days followed by giving up completely and feel like that's they only thing stopping the gain from getting worse.

To be honest, I'm tired of meal planning, macros, this trick to lose, that trick to lose, intermittent fasting, all of it. This week I thought to myself, I'm just going to eat. I'm going to make healthier choices, and feel better about making healthier choices. I'll still log, because at the end of the day, we're told calories in vs calories out. And while I understand calories aren't created equal, we have to start with what feels doable. I'm glad you wrote this, because I think there are a lot of us out there that need recovery from diet culture in order to be healthy.

curwhibbles · May 2021

Welcome back.

viajera99 · May 2021

I get the sense that you have an "all or nothing" attitude that is working to your detriment.

First of all, you're still FORTY pounds down from your all time high. That's not nothing.

Based on your stats, even if you are only lightly active, you could eat 2500 Kcal per day and lose a pound a week or so. Go for a walk with your wife every night instead of running and lifting every day, if you would be happier doing that. Or just go to the gym 2 or 3x/week, not 6. Make small incremental changes one at a time. (Read the book Atomic Habits to understand the power of this.) You will weigh less than 230 by December this way.

And if you truly feel like a broken shell of a person, you should seek help, because your self-worth should never be determined by a number on a scale. Good luck to you.

lmf1012 · May 2021

goal06082021 wrote: »

It sounds like you're coming to terms with something I also realized when I started to get serious about weight-loss again. I don't have any photos of adult me at a healthy weight, so that specific part of your story doesn't resonate with me (although you know what they say, if everyone put their problems in one big pile we'd probably all start grabbing for our own back just as quickly as we put them there), but what I have realized is this. I want this go-round to be my last. I don't want to do this again. So, to that end, my mantra has been "no temporary changes." I am not dieting, I am changing the way I eat and my relationship with food. To become a person who weighs X lbs, I must learn to eat like a person who weighs X lbs. To become a person with such-and-such physique, I must learn to train like a person with such-and-such physique. My specific goals are going to be different from yours, but the sentiment is the important thing. You and I are both working to become people we haven't been before, and that's different from "dieting." It's not a temporary fix, not just something you do until your body is an acceptable shape, because as soon as you stop doing it, your body stops being that shape, as you well know.

I would love to be a person who can "eat intuitively," but clearly my intuition's busted somehow if "eating intuitively" got me to 250+ lbs. So, I use MFP - it's a tool that helps me function in ways that serve my goals, the same way my prescription eyeglasses do. I have 10+ years of data that show I lose or maintain weight when I track, and I gain weight when I don't. I expect I will need to log what I eat in some way, using this app or something else, for the rest of my life. It'd be great if I didn't have to, but I can't rely on being able to do that, so that's not the goal or the plan. The goal is to build a stronger, healthier body using whatever tools I have at my disposal, and that includes a food diary because all the evidence shows that I need one.

I have always known this needs to be a lifestyle change, not a temporary phase but it definitely resonated more with me the way you phrased it. It is about creating the habits of the person we want to be and keep those habits to continue to be that person.

Kaitie9399 · May 2021

@LargeEricS

First and foremost--you are in control of your own destiny. You are not destined to be fat--but it sounds like you (like me, and many others) will have to work constantly to keep your weight in check. I have two suggestions:

First: Throw away (or donate) your fat clothes. Make a firm commitment that you will never fit those clothes ever again so you might as well get rid of them. Subconsciously, having them tucked away in the attic is you giving yourself permission to wear them again.

Second: Accept the fact that you will always have to work at maintaining your weight-always. Forever, for the rest of your life. Once you truly accept that this is a life change, you can stop the yo-yo of hitting 225 and bouncing back up because you will never be done working at your health goals.

Back in 2006 I dropped 55 pounds and did exactly what you did--convinced myself that I lost the weight and that I didn't have to do anything else to keep it off. Well, I put it all back on plus 10.

This time around, I've dropped 66 pounds and I absolutely refuse to gain it all back and I'll tell you, it's a struggle. Every day is a struggle but I REFUSE to be that fat chick ever again. I will have to work at this forever. I know that now. You can do this.

fittocycle · May 2021

First of all, you have not failed. What you are doing is slowly changing and evolving into a new person. I'm sure you've heard the analogies of how you didn't ride a bike on the first try, learn to ski on the first attempt down a mountain (or bunny slope), etc. We say those things because it's true. To achieve and become what we'd like, we have to work at it. And it doesn't happen on the first try. Or even the second or third. But eventually, if you keep trying, you'll fall into a rhythm and find what works for you.

If you don't already own one, get a fitness tracker. Pay attention to how much you move each day. You don't have to do killer workouts, just see how much you actually move around. Then set a goal to move more.

You know how good you felt when you were working out and eating well, right? Sure, it felt good to lose weight but what really felt good was knowing that you were doing something good for yourself, something to enhance your health. So think back on that feeling and get back in the zone. You know you can do it, right? You've done it before so you can do it again.

I"m going to be looking for a new post from you in the coming posts, one that says that you are on the road to a healthier lifestyle.

speyerj · May 2021

Nearly 2 years ago I restarted logging my food on MFP for the 4th time. I had lost 100 pounds, I gained in back, tried two more times to get back there - stopped short of where I was and still gained it all back. The shame I felt for losing and then regaining 100 pounds was pretty intense. In fact it stopped me from getting back on the wagon. I'm glad that I figured out if I was going to be successful in this journey, I had to kick shame out of my path or I was going to trip over it.

Instead of thinking of your regains as failure think of them as an opportunity to learn what you can do differently this time.

With my past weight loss attempts I was always focused on the goal. I worked really hard to get there as fast as I could, as if it was a race. I now realize that the reason I was in such a hurry was because I wanted to be able to stop dieting and get back to "living my life". One day it hit me. This IS my life. I will never be done. The habits that I employed to support weight loss are ones that I will need to maintain my weight for the rest of my life. That epiphany really changed my approach to weight loss. I realized that I would have more success in the long run and be happier right now if I tried to make losing weight as easy as possible, instead of trying to lose weight as fast as possible.

g2renew · May 2021

First-Congrats on the weight you HAVE kept off! 40lbs is a big deal:-). Concentrate on that accomplishment when you begin feeling low. And Welcome-for your return to MFP!

Now-for the rest of the weight you wish to lose: I am an 'all or nothing' gal by nature. I work hard at the task, reach the goal, and then move on to other things. That mindset works for a lot of things, unfortunately 'forever' weight loss isn't one of them-at least not for me.

What is working this time, is concentrating on getting more of the 'healthy for me' foods and activities. Keeps the focus away from deprivation and becomes a lifestyle change:-). I continue to lose weight at average of 1.4lbs per week, while setting goal at 1lb per week.

I chose my own calories and macros. They are higher than what MFP set, because I thought the auto-set figures were too restrictive. My aim is to get to the weight I should be and be able to maintain it for the long run. (FYI: MFP had set my calories at 1200 per day. I set the range of 1500-1800 daily, and aim for the lower end, but do not worry if I come close to the top of the range a few days a week.) When/if that range stops working for me, I will adjust accordingly, still concentrating on what I 'need to get more of', rather than on what I should have 'less of':-). To get an idea of how that is working-I am a 60yr old female, hypothyroid and other issues, 5'-5", size 10/12. I am down from 16 getting a little snug and hope to get in size 6/8 or smaller by September or sooner.

As for 'willpower'-mine left a long time ago. Takes too much energy that I cannot spare. The majority of food in the house is food that fits with my life choices. I live with my daughter and grandchild, so there are foods in the house that I don't eat. These are few-like soda, candy, sweets. Everything else is 'whole food' and 'clean'. The soda, candy, and sweets are kept in the mom's room and out of my normal spaces. I keep apples, nuts, yogurt-plain, full fat, no sugar added-for when I want that 'something'. My family is supportive of my efforts and while they eat some of the things I choose to limit for myself, they are respectful of me and my struggles. I am respectful of their right to eat these things, too, and none of us make it an 'issue' to tip toe around. When we eat away from home, the mutual respect goes a long way towards keeping mealtime pleasant!

Maybe thinking 'long term' rather than 'do it quickly' will be helpful for you, too.

However you choose to lose the weight, you have already proven that you can:-). Best of luck to you.

tumbleweed7834 · May 2021

Wow. You got this Big Eric. You know what put the weight back on, not just two ice cream bars a night, two of anything will do it. The fries, or chips with your sandwich, the soda to wash it down. Keep the sandwich, pass on the sides. Go for the 10,000 steps a day, no celebration, no beer. Beer has calories too. Drink water with every meal. You know the routine. When you reach your goal, find a maintenance app . Live long and prosper.

tumbleweed7834 · May 2021

Two of anything will set you back, drink that beer, don’t drink that second one.

TheWaistBasket · May 2021

Covid finished me too. I enjoyed quarantine too much. Now I weigh 361 lbs, which makes you a lite-weight in my books 😉😉
Unlike you, I have a negative outlook on my body. I don't like the weight or the way I look. I like nothing about being obese. I am afraid to take pictures but know I should. There will be an after, I need pics of the before.
I can relate, but you are far ahead of me. You know you can do it, I don't.

I could use a friend like you, who is honest. Not sure if I can help you, but would love to give it a try.

tumbleweed7834 · May 2021

Okay people, too many calories, too many carbs, too many excuses. Use the ap to count every calorie you eat, use a journal to record what you eat, count the steps you take every day. Take all this information and make a daily goal for your calories, record what calories you ate when and why, and what time you reached that goal, also, make a goal to increase your steps. Move around more. At your size, walking is about all you can do, so walk, walk, walk. Stretch now and then. And walk some more.

tumbleweed7834 · May 2021

Remember to use these words
“no thank you”
“I’ll pass”
“nope”
It is your body, it is your life.

Jenpec98 · May 2021

Man can I completely relate. I lost a ton of weight back in 2011. I was really feeling good, I had an hourglass figure for the first time in my life, and then I blew it. I've been struggling with my weight ever since. It is really hard to get back in the game, and I have found that what I did before is not working for me now. Sad but true. It is really hard to come to terms with my own failures sometimes and try to have a positive attitude.

Unknown · May 2021

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LargeEricS · May 2021

Jenpec98 wrote: »

Man can I completely relate. I lost a ton of weight back in 2011. I was really feeling good, I had an hourglass figure for the first time in my life, and then I blew it. I've been struggling with my weight ever since. It is really hard to get back in the game, and I have found that what I did before is not working for me now. Sad but true. It is really hard to come to terms with my own failures sometimes and try to have a positive attitude.

This is the truth if I've ever heard it. Even at my tender age of 25, I swear this time around the weight is more reluctant to come off.

PAPYRUS3 · May 2021

There is power in being open - vulnerable to the world.
Words matter.

metaphysicalstudio · May 2021

I feel this. Thanks for sharing your story. I have an addiction to food, too. Is there an emotional piece for you, as well? For me, food is really rarely about hunger and frequently about pain.

elisa123gal · May 2021

Now, we are all allowed to beat ourselves up for maybe two days .. tops. But, then knock It off. You have your health. .it is just pounds,,. fat.. it can be lost. In fact, you know how to lose it. You've mastered that three times. So, now you have to master maintaining. You have that vital piece of the puzzle done. So? The tenacity you show in losing the weight?... put that into maintaining.
Sounds like you keep beer in the house,., and ice cream. Time to make those items something you eat and drink when you go to a restaurant ..so you can't indulge too much at home. See? make little rules.. see where you slip up and set yourself up for success. Also. Why do you keep your fat clothes? Think on that.. donate them this time as you lose. A vote of confidence in yourself that you never plan on going back.

Give yourself a break.. most everyone regains their weight a few times.. and we all regain part of it.. and have to keep working at it.

Igo4snow · May 2021

I can see you/we/all of us here have had the same issue to some extent. I have been battling the same 50 lbs. since 2008 & mind you those pounds are 50 pounds over where I really want to be!
At one point in 2012 I had lost 50+ pounds, started dating again, met my wife(married in 2018) & let my weight & eating slip to as I was 343 on my wedding day. UGH!!!
My “low” point/rock bottom was Christmas Day 2020, I weighed myself, as I do almost every day and saw 359 lbs. I’m 6ft and for the most part carry my weight in the abdomen area & I say that I generally carry my weight well as I really only have a big “gut”.
I chose to start over again after Christmas Day and with some ups & downs I’m glad to say that I’m down to 341 lbs this morning (loss of 18 total).
I have felt for years that I’m “destined to be fat” but I’m also trying to look at it differently & take more responsibility for what I do.
I’m trying to move more as I was promoted to a different position at work in 2017 and it’s a desk job compared to the physical position I had previously.
It’s getting harder I feel as I’m now 48 years old & feeling more pains & such. My thoughts are that I need to keep pushing thru harder & watching what I do with more responsibility on my part.
I find it somewhat difficult as my wife is on her own journey to weight loss & wellness too, but she states that she loves/likes how I am no matter what size I am. I truly appreciate her love, but it makes being determined a little more difficult!
We all just need to take it one step & one day at a time! I would love to have way more weight off by now, but I feel that the slower I have been this time, the more rewarding each pound has been!

ahoy_m8 · May 2021

I can feel your feelings of discouragement coming through your post, OP. But even more that that, what comes through to me is how much you have going for you. It sounds like lots of important things in your life are in a really good place (especially having a partner who is your rock-- always treasure that). You had a positive feeling about your body at your high weight. You have had success losing, so you KNOW you have the skills and persistence to do it. You have learned the pitfalls of maintaining for you personally from your experience of regaining. You have stopped the gain before surpassing your prior high weight. These are all important attributes that will help you reach you physical & mental health goal.

Maybe have a good think about where you are right now -- the strengths you can employ to reach your goal and the internal obstacles you want to overcome. Introspection for me always is more fruitful if I write my thoughts as I work them out, but I realize not everyone is that way. But if you do write out a list of both, I have a feeling your list of strengths will be much much longer than your list of internal obstacles. Really lean on those strengths! Deploy them early and often! For the obstacles, think of reasonable alternatives -- if you have a habit of thinking or reacting that is working against you, ponder a substitute habit. Make one small change at a time. I'm a big believer that the ONLY way we make lasting profound change in our lives is through tiny things done faithfully, not an isolated Herculean effort done once.

One last thought. I've been maintaining my weight 30+ years. My weight has always been a battle (or I wouldn't be here), but it is a battle that for the most part I have been winning. I maintain in a 5lb range. You are a really tall guy, so maybe the appropriate maintenance range for you is 10lb. Successful maintenance, IMHO, is regaining and re-losing the same 5lb (or 10lb or whatever it is for you) over and over. So if successful, you will ALWAYS be re-gaining and re-losing weight, but just in a smaller range. You have done great. Give yourself some credit.

I hope no can relate, but I bet some of us do

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