Dealing with negative family

davecaraher
davecaraher Posts: 4 Member
in Motivation and Support
Anyone dealing with or dealt with constant negative comments from family? (Usually older ones)

Everytime I get 'you look ill' 'dont get too skinny' and lo and behold when I joined a gym 'dont get all muscly'

'How your diet going'

'Oh I wont offer you a biscuit you're slimming'

I can laugh most things off but its getting under my skin now, I just want to do my thing and be left to it. They cant seem to accept that I've changed my lifestyle and I dont want a heart attck when I'm 50

Any thought to help deal with it?

Replies

  • Fuzzipeg
    Fuzzipeg Posts: 2,301 Member
    So sorry your Elders still assume they are your Betters. They could well feel threatened by your taking and informed interest in your health. You are probably making the small or sometimes big changes they are too insecure to make in their own lives. They are probably doing things which were "normal" in their own youth.

    If you are living with changes you made some time ago, you can say something like, I've learned I don't actually like this or that, its probable I never did, or may be I don't like it at this time of day, it spoils my lunch or supper or sleep. I like the way I am living now, I'm comfortable, so, please, give me my space to live as I choose, as You have Your space for yourself.

    There is only one you, your contribution to life and all, is just as valuable as anyone else's, keep knowing this. None of us are any better nor worse than anyone else, we are simply ourselves doing our best in everyway we can. All the very best.

    (An older member of my family, who tries to keep an open mind and learn from those around me)
  • goal06082021
    goal06082021 Posts: 2,130 Member
    It really helps if you don't have to live with the people saying these things to you, so if you are currently living with them, figure out what you would need to do to make that not the case anymore. Then, when you don't depend on them for things like "access to food" or "a safe place to sleep indoors" anymore, you get to decide when or even whether you want to be around them.

    "I don't remember asking you a God-damned thing" is also a valid strategy, if you try a gentler approach like "I don't want to talk about this" and it doesn't work, or if you want to go straight for the nuclear option.
  • davecaraher
    davecaraher Posts: 4 Member
    @goal06082021 I tend to go nuclear first after sucking it up for so long and then 'This weight loss is making you agressive' I just going to avoid them until they drop it to be honest. If they dont want whats good for me then I'll fly solo
  • goal06082021
    goal06082021 Posts: 2,130 Member
    Oh, I'd be sorely tempted to respond to "this weight loss is making you aggressive" with "yeah, so step off, buddy" (or maybe something a bit stronger than "step," but we have rules about swearing here).
  • springlering62
    springlering62 Posts: 8,662 Member
    castillotx21 wrote: »
    Yes that's me everyday I'm always getting negative comments from my husband of all people and his elderly mother.

    Oh no no no no no no no. His job is to support you. I wouldn’t put up with that for a moment. You sit his butt down and put the word on him.

    My husband never “not” supported me, although initially there was some confusion why I was doing this, and clearly a littlle unease on his part once I dropped a substantial amount.

    I sat him down and told him I was doing it for my health, for our future (my mom’s years of 24/7 home care drained my parents’ finances), so we could continue to travel and do fun things in retirement, and for my own vanity and satisfaction. Once I explained to him and reassured him there was nothing on the side, he was still my #1, he was fine, and I think rather enjoys showing me off now, which is great for both of us. So many years when that was definitely not a thing.

    As for the MIL. Pfffft. If you know a way to shut an In-law up, please share it.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 49,024 Member
    springlering62 wrote: »
    castillotx21 wrote: »
    Yes that's me everyday I'm always getting negative comments from my husband of all people and his elderly mother.

    Oh no no no no no no no. His job is to support you. I wouldn’t put up with that for a moment. You sit his butt down and put the word on him.

    My husband never “not” supported me, although initially there was some confusion why I was doing this, and clearly a littlle unease on his part once I dropped a substantial amount.

    I sat him down and told him I was doing it for my health, for our future (my mom’s years of 24/7 home care drained my parents’ finances), so we could continue to travel and do fun things in retirement, and for my own vanity and satisfaction. Once I explained to him and reassured him there was nothing on the side, he was still my #1, he was fine, and I think rather enjoys showing me off now, which is great for both of us. So many years when that was definitely not a thing.

    As for the MIL. Pfffft. If you know a way to shut an In-law up, please share it.
    Well I've really never had an issue with my MIL, but I would think that saying something like "I really hope one day to be a positive person like yourself someday." They'll flat out know you're lying, but it may give them a hint that they're being a *kitten*.


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    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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  • elisa123gal
    elisa123gal Posts: 4,333 Member
    It may seem too late, but don't talk about your fitness and new eating habits with them or around them. We all share our excitement at improving our heath with our loved ones.. and most times it backfires into them trying to sabotage our efforts. As for the? "you look too thin stop losing"... just refer to the BMI chart.. that's the medical standard for being within your weight range. Only if you fall into the underweight category on that would your elders be right. Most likely they are not.
  • hdriding75
    hdriding75 Posts: 151 Member
    I deal with similar issues. Add me as a friend. All positive motivation. Igy6
  • MargaretYakoda
    MargaretYakoda Posts: 2,997 Member
    davecaraher wrote: »
    Anyone dealing with or dealt with constant negative comments from family? (Usually older ones)

    Everytime I get 'you look ill' 'dont get too skinny' and lo and behold when I joined a gym 'dont get all muscly'

    'How your diet going'

    'Oh I wont offer you a biscuit you're slimming'

    I can laugh most things off but its getting under my skin now, I just want to do my thing and be left to it. They cant seem to accept that I've changed my lifestyle and I dont want a heart attck when I'm 50

    Any thought to help deal with it?


    That’s rough to deal with.
    I’ve had to deal with unsupportive family members. Not so much in the healthy habits department, but other things regarding my care of my disabled husband.

    My go-to is to pretend I didn’t hear them. If that doesn’t work or is too obvious that I’m just ignoring them, I’ll say “Your opinion is duly noted”
    Which is pretty good, because it lets them know you’ve heard them, and there’s no reasonable room for a comment beyond that. I mean, sometimes someone will try, but again “duly noted” and the boundary is firmly set.


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