Dealing with negative family
davecaraher
Posts: 4 Member
Anyone dealing with or dealt with constant negative comments from family? (Usually older ones)
Everytime I get 'you look ill' 'dont get too skinny' and lo and behold when I joined a gym 'dont get all muscly'
'How your diet going'
'Oh I wont offer you a biscuit you're slimming'
I can laugh most things off but its getting under my skin now, I just want to do my thing and be left to it. They cant seem to accept that I've changed my lifestyle and I dont want a heart attck when I'm 50
Any thought to help deal with it?
Everytime I get 'you look ill' 'dont get too skinny' and lo and behold when I joined a gym 'dont get all muscly'
'How your diet going'
'Oh I wont offer you a biscuit you're slimming'
I can laugh most things off but its getting under my skin now, I just want to do my thing and be left to it. They cant seem to accept that I've changed my lifestyle and I dont want a heart attck when I'm 50
Any thought to help deal with it?
7
Replies
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So sorry your Elders still assume they are your Betters. They could well feel threatened by your taking and informed interest in your health. You are probably making the small or sometimes big changes they are too insecure to make in their own lives. They are probably doing things which were "normal" in their own youth.
If you are living with changes you made some time ago, you can say something like, I've learned I don't actually like this or that, its probable I never did, or may be I don't like it at this time of day, it spoils my lunch or supper or sleep. I like the way I am living now, I'm comfortable, so, please, give me my space to live as I choose, as You have Your space for yourself.
There is only one you, your contribution to life and all, is just as valuable as anyone else's, keep knowing this. None of us are any better nor worse than anyone else, we are simply ourselves doing our best in everyway we can. All the very best.
(An older member of my family, who tries to keep an open mind and learn from those around me)4 -
Everyone who's NOT dieting likes to give free advice. You have to learn how to have thick skin and let it bounce off. Nod and smile alot and say "okay". If you become defensive, they become more insistent. Then when you come back even better and they ask "did you take my advice?" just say no. Then rinse and repeat.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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It’s noise. The diet, fitness and exercise noise is nonstop. And loud. But it’s all just noise.
Plus the people around us are not going to be comfortable with our changes. Even if those changes are good for us because it’s work for them. Human brains don’t really like change. That includes your family.
Weight loss and fitness are basically solitary pursuits. Keep to yourself and keep going. Don’t be dragged into defending your program. You owe no explanations.8 -
It really helps if you don't have to live with the people saying these things to you, so if you are currently living with them, figure out what you would need to do to make that not the case anymore. Then, when you don't depend on them for things like "access to food" or "a safe place to sleep indoors" anymore, you get to decide when or even whether you want to be around them.
"I don't remember asking you a God-damned thing" is also a valid strategy, if you try a gentler approach like "I don't want to talk about this" and it doesn't work, or if you want to go straight for the nuclear option.4 -
@goal06082021 I tend to go nuclear first after sucking it up for so long and then 'This weight loss is making you agressive' I just going to avoid them until they drop it to be honest. If they dont want whats good for me then I'll fly solo2
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Oh, I'd be sorely tempted to respond to "this weight loss is making you aggressive" with "yeah, so step off, buddy" (or maybe something a bit stronger than "step," but we have rules about swearing here).4
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My mother, bedridden for years, requiring 24/7 care because of diabetes, said similar stuff to me.
Thankfully I held my tongue, but boy I sure thought,”yeah, you’re my inspiration and not in the way you’d like to think.”
At the end, she told me she wished she’d done what I did, and was kicking herself.
Too little, too late. More biting of tongue.
You do you. Even people who purportedly love you have their own picture in their heads of where you should be, and their lack of imagination doesn’t want you soaring.7 -
Yes that's me everyday I'm always getting negative comments from my husband of all people and his elderly mother.6
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castillotx21 wrote: »Yes that's me everyday I'm always getting negative comments from my husband of all people and his elderly mother.
Oh no no no no no no no. His job is to support you. I wouldn’t put up with that for a moment. You sit his butt down and put the word on him.
My husband never “not” supported me, although initially there was some confusion why I was doing this, and clearly a littlle unease on his part once I dropped a substantial amount.
I sat him down and told him I was doing it for my health, for our future (my mom’s years of 24/7 home care drained my parents’ finances), so we could continue to travel and do fun things in retirement, and for my own vanity and satisfaction. Once I explained to him and reassured him there was nothing on the side, he was still my #1, he was fine, and I think rather enjoys showing me off now, which is great for both of us. So many years when that was definitely not a thing.
As for the MIL. Pfffft. If you know a way to shut an In-law up, please share it.3 -
Well I've really never had an issue with my MIL, but I would think that saying something like "I really hope one day to be a positive person like yourself someday." They'll flat out know you're lying, but it may give them a hint that they're being a *kitten*.springlering62 wrote: »castillotx21 wrote: »Yes that's me everyday I'm always getting negative comments from my husband of all people and his elderly mother.
Oh no no no no no no no. His job is to support you. I wouldn’t put up with that for a moment. You sit his butt down and put the word on him.
My husband never “not” supported me, although initially there was some confusion why I was doing this, and clearly a littlle unease on his part once I dropped a substantial amount.
I sat him down and told him I was doing it for my health, for our future (my mom’s years of 24/7 home care drained my parents’ finances), so we could continue to travel and do fun things in retirement, and for my own vanity and satisfaction. Once I explained to him and reassured him there was nothing on the side, he was still my #1, he was fine, and I think rather enjoys showing me off now, which is great for both of us. So many years when that was definitely not a thing.
As for the MIL. Pfffft. If you know a way to shut an In-law up, please share it.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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It may seem too late, but don't talk about your fitness and new eating habits with them or around them. We all share our excitement at improving our heath with our loved ones.. and most times it backfires into them trying to sabotage our efforts. As for the? "you look too thin stop losing"... just refer to the BMI chart.. that's the medical standard for being within your weight range. Only if you fall into the underweight category on that would your elders be right. Most likely they are not.2
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I deal with similar issues. Add me as a friend. All positive motivation. Igy61
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I appreciate your concerns and feel your pain of people that never have anything nice to say. My mother is a prime example. She always has to find the negative. I recently did a full makeover of my backyard. Spent a ton of time and money and I'm thrilled with the outcome. We had a family party and she went out back to look, and when she came in, she asked why the yard wasn't level?????? I finally told her, I did it on purpose to give her something to pick apart.
After obsessing about it overnight, I finally came to the conclusion, that I, nor anyone could change the person she is and it would be futile to try. It was like and epiphany that I just realized for the first time in 50 years, I don't need her approval, because I will never get it. Since this is a little off topic for this site, I'll also add she has not said a single word about the 50lbs I've dropped!
Some people just look for the bad in everything, just distance yourself from them. It's my mother, so I will still be seeing her, but I feel like I'm better prepared to deal with the negative comments!
It's not just you! We all have someone that insist on taken us down to make themselves feel better!
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davecaraher wrote: »Anyone dealing with or dealt with constant negative comments from family? (Usually older ones)
Everytime I get 'you look ill' 'dont get too skinny' and lo and behold when I joined a gym 'dont get all muscly'
'How your diet going'
'Oh I wont offer you a biscuit you're slimming'
I can laugh most things off but its getting under my skin now, I just want to do my thing and be left to it. They cant seem to accept that I've changed my lifestyle and I dont want a heart attck when I'm 50
Any thought to help deal with it?
That’s rough to deal with.
I’ve had to deal with unsupportive family members. Not so much in the healthy habits department, but other things regarding my care of my disabled husband.
My go-to is to pretend I didn’t hear them. If that doesn’t work or is too obvious that I’m just ignoring them, I’ll say “Your opinion is duly noted”
Which is pretty good, because it lets them know you’ve heard them, and there’s no reasonable room for a comment beyond that. I mean, sometimes someone will try, but again “duly noted” and the boundary is firmly set.
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davecaraher wrote: »Anyone dealing with or dealt with constant negative comments from family? (Usually older ones)
Everytime I get 'you look ill' 'dont get too skinny' and lo and behold when I joined a gym 'dont get all muscly'
'How your diet going'
'Oh I wont offer you a biscuit you're slimming'
I can laugh most things off but its getting under my skin now, I just want to do my thing and be left to it. They cant seem to accept that I've changed my lifestyle and I dont want a heart attck when I'm 50
Any thought to help deal with it?
I committed to memory the response in a Dear Abby (or Ann Landers?) column I read years ago: When people ask waaaay too personal questions, turn it back on them and say "Why do you ask?"
It puts the focus back on them, maybe makes them think about what they've said, can seem totally innocent (with the right tone), and you don't have to actually answer the question.
I think it can work for unwelcome comments, too: "what makes you say that?" or "why do you say that?" or "what do you mean by that?" (::bats eyelashes::)6
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