Why can't I commit for life?! - Help!

deniseg31 · June 2021

So I’ve gained back all the weight I had lost last year...every single pound. 40. I don’t even know how to feel anymore. I did so well. I was so motivated. I ate healthy and walked outdoors 2-4 miles 5/6 times per week and then I started incorporating weights and I just felt so SO GOOD! My legs felt strong, my clothes were not tight on my skin. I felt so happy. Then one day like a switch, I lost my will power and motivation. It happened on a rainy week in November when I wasn’t able to go on my walks and the gym was too packed for my comfort during peak COVID times here in Texas and I fell into a funk. I still managed to go for a walk here and there but lost consistency. I had wanted sooo bad to be in the 180’s for my birthday in December and I was so close…I made it to 193 from 233 and here I sit feeling like a failure and not really knowing how it is that I lose so much weight time after time AFTER TIME (!!!) and then I gain it all back. I am just feeling SO f’ing upset! It’s not even upset actually…it’s a mix of so many emotions. I am embarrassed, angry at myself, I am discouraged, self-loathing because why can’t I maintain this healthy lifestyle?! I feel so down in the pits.

Sometimes I think I’m just meant to be a fat person. My mom even stated why even try to lose weight because “you’ve done it before and you’ve always gained the weight back….it’s just who you are.” My mom is overweight, my grandmother was overweight, my brother is overweight so since I come from a big family…that’s who I’m meant to be?

I know I make a lot of excuses: Have to drive the kids to and from, kids have activities I need to attend, taking care of my granddaughter (most days), it’s raining, it’s too hot outside, I can only workout at 4/5am because I clock in at 7am, I feel so tired...etc. etc.

At times I blame my family…my husband to be exact because my kids will eat what I cook and they really want both dad and I to get healthy. So yeah, I blame my husband for not making a lifestyle change with me and that we all as a family should be adopting. While I go out and buy healthier food options my husband will go out and bring bags of cookies, juices, cakes, cokes, snacks galore. He of course tells me he’s not shoving those things in my mouth which is true but it’s there…in the pantry…tempting me. Having a pantry full of junk doesn’t help me when I come home from work starving and all those snacks are staring me in the face while I cook and what do I do? Grab one cookie, grab a Twinkie, a bag of chips while the food is done cooking.

I told my husband the other day I wanted to just get weightloss surgery and so he said that won’t work either if I don’t change my ways but how am to change my ways if we aren’t all in it together?

I've looked into IF, Keto, BeachBody....everything and just feel overwhelmed.

Am I am just weak? Why can't I commit?! I just feel like poop these days because I feel like I can’t make a change and I know I NEED to and I MUST.

In the end I know I have nobody to blame but myself. I know I need to plan, to manage my time, to be consistent. I’ve done it before so I know I can do it again but how do I keep it going? I even hate to say that I’m starting yet again because it seems like I always end up getting to some kind of comfort zone and my healthy changes all come to a screeching halt. Ugh!!!!

If you made it this far thank you for “listening”….I just needed to vent where people that might understand where I’m coming from.

skeeter2082 · June 2021

Oh deniseg31, girrrrrl I know exactly what you are talking about and I feel your pain when your husband brings home food; my husband does the same thing!!! I had a doctor and my husband tell me the same thing yours did - I'm not making you eat it. But, for some of us it is hard to pass up. It is an easy grab and go when we are hungry or upset. I have been overweight since I was a little girl and dieting most of my adult life. I would lose 20, gain 30 the whole vicious cycle. I gained weight after I had my kids and I have always had desk jobs which make it worse due to sitting all day. AND since menopause, I have just expanded everywhere. I've also thought maybe I was meant to be overweight - if God wanted me to be skinny He wouldn't allow me to love sugar so much, right????? I, too, often wonder if I am just lazy, weak and all those other horrible things. I don't think that's it...I think we have tried so many times it is in our head we can't do it and if we do lose, we will just gain it back so why torture ourselves???? I know I don't have much will power, but when it's not in the house it is much easier to not eat it. I know it has helped me to find my triggers since I am an emotional eater as well as being a full blown sugar addict. I hate the scale, it is my enemy so I don't use it. I've decided to not worry so much about the number on the scale and just get healthy for my grandsons. Keep your chin up, you can do it and know you are not alone in your feelings! Have a wonderful day!!

lmf1012 · June 2021

So, here’s the good news. You have done it before so you already know the process works. Start with that and give yourself a little time to figure out the missing piece, which is how to maintain this way of eating and exercising for ongoing weight management.

From what you said, you fell out of your routine just long enough that you lost the drive to get back into it. Think about some strategies you can employ when your routine gets disrupted. Do you have a backup plan for if it rains for a week this go around?

More good news... our past stumbles are not a guarantee of future failure. Learns from what went wrong last time and make a course correction.

goal06082021 · June 2021

I also think you might benefit from talking to a mental/behavioral health professional.

Motivation will only get you so far. It sounds like you lack discipline. If 5 AM is the only time you can hit the gym, then that's when you hit the gym, for the same reason you clock in to work at 7. If it's raining too hard or it's too hot outside to safely go walking/running/etc, you do something inside - there's about five million hours of workout videos available for free on Youtube, or if you're the kind of person motivated by spending money, you can buy some workout DVDs or subscribe to any of the thousands of exercise programs with virtual classes that exist. Hubs can handle watching the kids/grandkid for 45 blessed minutes while you work out and shower.

What if you budgeted to have one Twinkie when you got home from work while dinner cooks, just decided that morning you were going to eat a Twinkie six hours from now, and then just did that and it was fine? Hubs is right, he's not forcing the snacks into your mouth, you're the one making those choices and blaming your choice on the fact that the food exists within arm's reach is not a productive line of thinking. Just because it's there doesn't mean you have to eat it, that's a choice you made.

Unknown · June 2021

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girlwithcurls2 · June 2021

Oh dear. You have gotten some really solid advice. And yes, I did read all the way through because your pain is real. Your frustration is palpable. I second the advice to ditch the scale. Make your new goal one that focuses on slowly changing habits. It's not easy to maintain weightloss, mentally. It's work to keep up those good habits that you may have thought you only needed to keep until goal weight. In reality, you need to make some changes...for good. Like you said, "commit for life." That's a tall order.

Start small. The best way to create new habits is to build on the ones we have. Maybe for you, working out in the wee hours of the morning won't work right now, but can you get away to walk for 20 minutes 2x/day? Just up your daily movement a little? As for hubs snacks, they're not yours. Don't eat them. Buy your own snacks. I LOVE snacks. But I also found that I'm not that picky when all I want to do is eat mindlessly. I will be just as happy sitting with the paper or cooking dinner snacking on sugar snap peas or sweet peppers as I will a bowl of BBQ chips. Given my druthers, yes, I want chips. But if it's just crunching I'm after, then other things will do it.

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. I think what pains me the most is your value placement of your weight being what you're worth. The number on the scale tells the world ONE thing about you. One. It's a data point. Nothing more. You can do this again. Many of us have had to do it again. You are worth more than that number.
Hugs,
Curly

P.S. Great advice to plan for when the plan doesn't work.

tulips_and_tea · June 2021

It's great that last year you improved your eating habits, took daily walks and started lifting but you don't have to do all of that all at once to lose the weight again. You have a lot going on. Keep it simple. Eat what you've been eating but reduce portions. Walk or lift when you can but when you can't do not consider it a failure or a backslide or whatever.

As far as food in your house that is tempting, stop yourself when you reach for something. Ask yourself how you'll feel AFTER you eat it. Sometimes it's worth it and others it isn't so check in with yourself first. Remember what you wrote here. After a few times of passing up certain food and drinks here and there you'll gain more confidence in your ability to control your choices.

Hang in there and just start small.

towardeternity · June 2021

I think the easiest way to make it a lifetime habit is to enjoy it. Find something you like. Hate running? Don't go running. Hate salads? Don't make salads. You have to find your way to enjoy it.

I have gained my weight back for a third time and I mean for this to be the final time. I've finally found an activity I enjoy doing (Blogilates's Pop Pilates). I really love healthy foods like fruit and veg so that's easy (even though sometimes something cheesy and creamy may sound better). I like making freezer meals and not having to think about what's for dinner or end up stopping at a fast food place. Sometimes the fast food joint wins, but lifelong commitments are about bring flexible, as long as it's not all the time. It's a treat rather than something I "can't have." Make foods that are healthy for you and what you enjoy. Don't feel the need to have chicken breast and broccoli forever.

Have a backup plan for when you can't go out. 10 minute youtube videos, or even just some calisthetics thrown in here and there while you're home. Commercial break? Do some squats. Washing dishes? Add in some calf raises. Maybe just grab an umbrella and enjoy the rain!

summerviking1 · June 2021

I am sorry you are feeling so bad. It is hard when you do not have a supportive spouse. It is so hard to get motivated after a setback. Just start back and take it one day at a time. I gained 80 pounds this past year and am the fattest I have ever been. Do not listen to your family about being heavy you can be healthy and in fit.

try2again · June 2021

As others have mentioned, you are not alone and blame isn't productive. Many, probably most, would say maintenance is much harder than the weight loss phase. Weight loss requires sacrifice and commitment, but you get all of those rewarding milestones on the scale, new clothes, new confidence, etc. Maintenance also requires commitment and a level of sacrifice, but it's just not as exciting. And while I've had some success in the past with maintaining a large loss over a significant amount of time (not at a goal weight, but at a much better weight for me), it always seems like there is a point where I become complacent about losing more, and over time something shifts and I'm back to gaining. The first time I was in a good place when a stretch of colds and flu knocked me out of my exercise routine for several weeks, which I had been enjoying, and I couldn't get back into it. That bummed me out, and then portions started to creep, and then I got really discouraged at the gain and just plain started to not care how much I ate. My doctor then was awesome, and when I explained what had happened (that getting sick had thrown a wrench in my routine), he calmly said, "So what can you do next time to keep that from happening?"

Years later, my weight was back down again and I was either losing or maintaining over the course of about 5 years. Unfortunately, my mild depression got worse, and it made it much harder to continue to make good choices because sometimes I just don't care about my health and my future. There are certainly many reasons it can happen, and as has been said, all we can do is to try to learn from them and come back stronger.

I do agree with what someone mentioned above that the mental component really needs addressed. A CBT therapist with experience in weight loss issues could help a lot. There is an excellent book outlining a CBT course for weight loss called The Beck Diet Solution, which helps a person challenge the negative thoughts- some that we may not even be aware of- that often sabotage our efforts. Beyond that, I think it's so important to choose a weight, lifestyle, and activities that are realistic for each of us personally, and therefore offer the greatest likelihood of our being able to sustain them.

Sharing a couple of old threads that came to mind and are worth the read Wish you well (me too)!

https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10759145/for-those-who-have-lost-and-gained-and-are-losing-again-what-ive-learned/p1

https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10613774/the-importance-of-willpower-for-weight-loss/p1 (Don't be put off by the title... this actually proposes that willpower is a finite resource and so we need to "spend" it wisely and look for other ways to help ourselves.)

Xiaolongbao · June 2021

First of all give yourself credit. Losing 40lbs is a big achievement. I know you've put it back on but the fact you did it at all deserves full kudos.

Second, what you're describing sadly makes you a normal human. Not weak, not hopelessly destined to be fat. Just human. I'd say the people who lose weight, and keep it off without ever regressing are the unusual ones. Of course they exist too but MFP is absolutely crammed with people who've done amazing things losing weight and gained it all back... I'm sure plenty of them even made threads about what they were doing to avoid it happening to them. And then it happened anyway.

Of course I know this because I'm one of them! (although I never made a thread about my success - I was too old and wise by the time I found MFP to assume I'd never put it back on). I don't even have any of your excuses. No kids. A husband who is insanely supportive. No abnormal life stress... and yet time and time again I lose then regain. The simple truth is I just like food too much, I'm always hungry and I get fed up with having to monitor myself closely despite knowing that for me if I don't I'll gain weight. When the motivation is gone, it's gone and I never know why, I just sort of stop caring.

I don't have any helpful advice (if I knew how to "find" motivation I'd sell the secret and be richer than Elon Musk) but I just wanted to let you know you're not doomed and I definitely sympathise with your vent. Feel free to add me if you want to chat or vent to someone who gets it... or if you want me to email your husband and tell him to stop being a douche :-) (it's true he's not forcing the food into your mouth but he's also not going out of his way to be supportive either and it seems a bit passive aggressive to me to insist on buying stuff knowing it will make things harder for you).

abarocio · June 2021

I know exactly how you feel. Been there with all the stuff you mentioned. I have always been bad in terms of consistency in my life in general and I am working on that. You need to find a safe place to discuss your emotions so therapy would be good. Start small and don't beat yourself up. Take one day at a time and celebrate the little victories one day at a time.

88olds · June 2021

This is my third go at trying to respond to your post. I get that you feel overwhelmed. I feel overwhelmed just reading your post. Weight loss is mostly about problem solving. It has a lot to do with persistence and not much to do with motivation. Motivation comes and goes. We can’t succeed at weight loss if we only work at it when it feels good.

There is no one answer. Weight loss is a lot of little things. Can you identify individual issues that you think are holding you back? I see some in your post- you’re a busy mom, you can’t control the junk food in the house (I could never do that either), you have self doubt as to whether you can succeed at this, the people around you aren’t particularly supportive. Maybe you look at those things other ways but that’s how they look to me.

Try to identify problems and solve them one at a time. Does it really matter what how other people in your family live? What’s that have to do with you now? I stayed out of the junk food that my wife and kids insisted on keeping around by planning my own daily treat- ice cream. No kidding. If its some kind of diet friendly ice cream I’ve probably tried it. But this- if I give into some other treat, no ice cream. Ice cream wins nearly 100% of the time. But you have to come up with your own strategy. Only thing that matters is it works. I used to look at the cookies and chips at the house and think “those are not for me.” No idea why that helped me but it did. Can you come up with individual strategies to address particular problem?

Have you tried counting calories? Do you keep a food diary? Food diary was key for me. But everything has to be logged no matter what. Going over our number is not a reason not to log. Try to make your plan about things to do rather than a bunch of don’ts. When your brain tries to wreck you by trying to talking you out of things that need to be done, push back.

Last thing- try to get losing on a schedule out of your head. I know people try to stay psyched up by losing X lbs by Y date, but the calendar is not a weight loss tool. As you’ve found out, to lose weight and keep it gone means staying in for life. The time it takes to get to goal doesn’t matter much. It only matters that you make it. Hope you find something here helpful. Good luck.

OnceAndFutureAthlete · June 2021

88olds wrote: »

Weight loss is mostly about problem solving. It has a lot to do with persistence and not much to do with motivation. Motivation comes and goes.

I think this is brilliant. I am going to write this one down.

MichelleMcKeeRN · June 2021

I struggle with losing weight and gaining it back too. I also know it doesn’t work for me to have just one cookie, 1 bowl of ice cream etc. For me, the only thing that works is separating the unhealthy snacks. We have a healthy snack drawer. We also have a snack drawer that I don’t open because there is nothing I should be having. It really helps me to not have to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy snacks when I am hungry. Meal prep also helps me a ton when I am busy and need to grab something quickly.

Allybaby1961 · June 2021

Hey Denise - I feel the pain in your voice so let me start by giving you a big hug (I’m doubled vaxed so it’s safe!). I can imagine how defeated you must feel. I don’t want to be glib but does it help to know that you’ve done it before so you clearly have the knowledge, skills and tools to do it again?

Someone suggested seeking professional help - I’m a huge believer in the value of therapy to help do that deep exploration we sometimes need to truly unpack our issues and shine a bright light on their causes. Like a tune-up our our psychic engines! So many employers these days have employee and family assistance programs that pay for an allotted number of counselling hours.

I am going to check here regularly to see how you’re doing and wish you lots of love and support. We can do this!!!!❤️

lapierrecyclist · June 2021

Hi Denise, thank you so much for posting. I have gained back all the weight I lost last year, and just as you said, it's like a switch flipped. I feel so much better when I'm exercising, logging my food, and just saying no to sugar. I go along in that mode for months, and then eventually I get overwhelmed when there is so much to do for others and I don't feel able to prioritize what I need to do for myself. Hugs to you and support.

ClearNotCloudyMind · June 2021

I so know how you feel. The only thing I can say is the thing getting me through this blip on my latest trip. I need to live like the person I want to be. Slim, healthy me does sometimes eat dreadful foods, but the next day she doesn’t. And she doesn’t kick herself about it either as she knows that it’s the every day habits over a long time that matter. Not the short term fixes or lapses.

Sucks to start again. Do it now so tomorrow you’re not regretting today though…

amskinner87 · June 2021

I'm right there with you. I lost over 50lb in 2019 after hitting my highest ever weight. Previously I had lost and regained more like 14lb. 2020 came with serious mental health issues for my husband, then for me (as a reaction) and then the pandemic. I put about 40lb back on mainly through regular binges. As you say, something just switches and I'm back in behaviours that I had thought unimaginable would come back.

I really struggled to get back on track. And although I hope this will be the last time I have to lose weight, in reality future pregnancies, health problems and life events make it likely to some extents.

This time around I have gone very slowly. For a few months I simply stopped binging, first by allowing myself cake/pudding whenever I wanted but only out the house and one portion at a time (i.e. one cake in a cafe). Then all the cafes closed so I could have it at home but only one portion at a time to a max 2 a day. Then 1 a day. After several months I felt strong enough to quit eating 'deserts' altogether. This is sad but I always feel easier not having to make the decision to say no, and I don't get triggered to binge in the same way.

Shortly after that I focused on exercise doing yoga and weights. Then on eating better and more regularly (Hello Fresh and cutting down on takeaways) and Finally (after more than 6 months) I started counting calories again with a modest 250cals per day deficit.

All this is ridiculously slow and the downside is that results will take years. But on the otherhand I've always felt ready to take the next step and not overwhelmed. I'm aiming for the lifestyle I want to keep living, which is why my calories are very close to what my maintenance calories would be at my ideal weight. I did want to avoid calorie counting altogether as its not something I want to do forever but I wasn't seeing any results so had to.

I don't really have any advice but do please be compassionate with yourself. Life happens. Hopefully this will be the last time you lose weight but even if it isn't by losing weight previously you have stopped yourself getting even bigger, you've learned a lot and hopefully you'll be able to do damage limitation with future blips.

gorple76 · June 2021

Wow if ever there was a relatable post, this is it! So many people I know, people on these forums, and me share your experiences. And we have the same self-depreciating emotions. I remember completely breaking down to my husband a few years ago about it all and saying how the thing I hate most about having a weight problem is how visible your failure is. Other weaknesses aren’t the first thing people see. But it doesn’t mean people don’t have them…
Firstly, I can’t preach at you about what you should or shouldn’t do but I can share what I’ve learned.
- I keep in mind the extent of ‘failures’ there are out there and that having a struggle/weakness/issue is a universal aspect of being a human being. Mine just happens to be a visible one.
- I also make sure I notice other people’s weight or food issues. Not to point them out or anything, but just so that I’m reminded of how normal I am.
- I look back on all my diet failures and see them as part of the overall process of figuring it all out. I know a lot about myself from all of the attempts.
- I have a similar response from my mother who sees everything as genetic and predestined. I have children myself now and would hate to give them that message and so I ignore it for myself too. I also let my objective self speak up and remind myself that it’s rubbish - we can change at any stage of life and adapt any way we need to.
- Over the last few weeks I’ve picked up the baton again and started to lose weight. I’m doing it in a way that reflects what I know about myself - what works and what doesn’t work for me. It’s far from what many would advise but I am old enough and experienced enough know how I tick and to plan my weight loss accordingly. I’ve thought through the maintenance stage and spent time thinking about the emotional side.

My one bit of advice would be - have a frank conversation with your husband. Explain it as you would an illness or addiction. Point out how widespread a problem it is, how important it is that you can tackle it. When I started to see and explain it this way, my husband was much more sympathetic, and I was much more objective and kinder to myself.

HawkingRadiation · June 2021

My husband has never struggled with his weight, and loves to snack.

We have a deal, he buys what he wants, and then keeps it somewhere I can't see it. Sometimes I know where it is, but if I can't see it, it doesn't call to me. For ice cream etc. he buys flavors I don't care for. I hate dark chocolate, so he buys a lot of cookies/ice cream with dark chocolate.

You can't make him change, so come up with strategies that you can live with. Give him a box and tell him to keep his snacks there, away from you.

As for exercise, don't view it as 'I need an hour to exercise'. Do pushups (or burpees, or whatever you fitness level permits) while stuff is boiling/in the microwave. Keep weights near your desk, do some curls when you need a mental break.

There's a great thread on this site about increasing NEAT. NEAT is much more important than an hour of exercise, so find ways to move a little more. Worry about exercise later.

AnnPT77 · June 2021

HawkingRadiation wrote: »

My husband has never struggled with his weight, and loves to snack.

We have a deal, he buys what he wants, and then keeps it somewhere I can't see it. Sometimes I know where it is, but if I can't see it, it doesn't call to me. For ice cream etc. he buys flavors I don't care for. I hate dark chocolate, so he buys a lot of cookies/ice cream with dark chocolate.

You can't make him change, so come up with strategies that you can live with. Give him a box and tell him to keep his snacks there, away from you.

As for exercise, don't view it as 'I need an hour to exercise'. Do pushups (or burpees, or whatever you fitness level permits) while stuff is boiling/in the microwave. Keep weights near your desk, do some curls when you need a mental break.

There's a great thread on this site about increasing NEAT. NEAT is much more important than an hour of exercise, so find ways to move a little more. Worry about exercise later.

Might be this one?

http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10610953/neat-improvement-strategies-to-improve-weight-loss/p1

Ara_the_halfelven · June 2021

I've been in a similar position, your problem seems to be you're a perfectionist. We all have off-days (or weeks), but you need to accept it, forgive yourself, and get right back to doing what was working so well for you before. Most importantly, never allow an off-day to continue and stretch out to an off-week/month/year.
It is a problem that you need to keep treats for the rest of the family that you can't eat, but you could arrange for them to be kept in a separate cupboard that you don't have to use, and keep some low-calorie treats around for emergencies - and remember to leave yourself some leeway in your diet so you don't end up feeling guilty for snacking a bit.

Mr_Healthy_Habits · June 2021

Committing to a lifelong practice does not mean you will never have setbacks...

And it's very much a practice... You get better at it and it gets easier with time...

Why can't I commit for life?! - Help!

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