External Motivation and Praise

canadiankerr wrote: »

Ya such a bummer. I do understand. It doesn't even have to be specific to weight loss, but even just a "hey you look nice" would suffice at this point. I mean people who are naturally thin get this all the time. People who are overweight / fat are criticized and sneered at and then when they lose weight and get healthy their hard work isn't even acknowledged you know?

I'm curious what leads you to believe the bolded is true? (I'm not saying it isn't true, though I would say it hasn't looked or felt that way in my personal experience - but I'm well aware that my experience is a *very* limited subset of what happens in the world).

I do see that media and whatnot praise thinness and thin people generically, but I'm asking about the personal comments side of it, in our individual lives. I also understand that some people's family (especially), and maybe friends, criticize and even ridicule them for becoming or being fat.

Why I'm asking: I was fat for decades, hovering around the obese range (sometimes a little below, sometimes a little into the obese range, but consistently fat for sure). Almost 6 years ago, I reached a healthy weight, and have stayed at a healthy weight since. There was some commenting about my weight loss - both positive & negative - while it was happening, and for a while afterward . . . essentially, while it was still striking or surprising, because it was a big change in my appearance, and included some changes in my observable behavior (like typical food choices in restaurants).

I rarely am praised for being thin now, and don't think the frequency of being praised for something about my appearance has changed noticeably vs. when I was fat. Usually, it's stuff - then and now - like someone saying my shirt is a good color on me, admiring a piece of jewelry, maybe a positive comment on a new haircut, or something like that. Very occasionally, that happens now, and it used to happen when I was fat.

About the only time anything is said about my thinness these days if my previous obesity comes up in the course of conversation (rare) with someone who didn't know me when fat. They might say something like "but you're so tiny!" as an expression of surprise. (I'm not tiny. 😆)

I can understand that if someone is in a family that (say) criticizes fat family members and praises thin ones, or something like that, that idea would take firm hold. And maybe other cultures are different from mine, in this respect. But either for myself, or the so-called "naturally thin" people among my friends, I don't see any pattern in my culture/family/social groups that praises thin people for being thin, criticizes fat people for being fat, at the level of individual interaction in regular life.

P.S. I didn't click "disagree" on your post. I don't disagree with it, but it doesn't resonate with my personal experience, either.

P.P.S. Most of the "naturally thin" women I know well enough to know this, aren't effortlessly, inattentively thin, FWIW: They have some form of personal vigilance, like noticing if clothes are getting tighter, or noticing a climbing scale weight, then they cut back a little (not calorie counting, just minor eating changes) until their clothes fit the way they like or the scale drops. *That* seems to be natural to them as a process, as does having habits that result in them "naturally" eating close to the right amount to maintain weight . . . habits I did not have. 🤷‍♀️

P.P.S. Most of the "naturally thin" women I know well enough to know this, aren't effortlessly, inattentively thin, FWIW: They have some form of personal vigilance, like noticing if clothes are getting tighter, or noticing a climbing scale weight, then they cut back a little (not calorie counting, just minor eating changes) until their clothes fit the way they like or the scale drops. *That* seems to be natural to them as a process, as does having habits that result in them "naturally" eating close to the right amount to maintain weight . . . habits I did not have. 🤷‍♀️

1000% agree with this. I observed this with my very skinny friends as well. The trick for us is to develop/adopt our own such system, once we get to the goal weight.

A story:

I was recently in a gathering of friends and family who last saw me 50 lbs heavier. A friend's 7 year old son pointed to me and said, "mommy, Alice looks little!"

Horrified, the woman scolded her child: "we don't talk about other people's bodies. All bodies are beautiful!"

Hoping to salvage the situation, I smiled and said "thank you for noticing, Todd. I've been trying to eat better and swim more."

Then an adult friend chimed in, "I noticed too, but didn't know how to bring it up."

That broke the ice, and soon I was the center of attention and praise. But clearly, everyone was trying to do the right thing by saying nothing.

If other people are not commenting..they may not notice that you've lost weight. They may notice you look better to them. I have found over the years of gaining and losing... that people, in general, notice when I was almost at my goal weight. They didn't notice as I was losing..and I thought It aggravating that they never mentioned my weight loss. It truly didn't register with them until the end.