Kids or no kids

Dees_Apples
Dees_Apples Posts: 105 Member
edited October 2021 in Chit-Chat
Kinda a serious topic but here goes

I'm in a relationship with someone who comes from a culture of traditional roles of having kids and raising a family. Honestly, I come from such a culture as well.

However, I myself am on the fence about having kids and lean more towards the side of not wanting any children.

I know she would be happy to have kids. From the beginning I've known it's something she'd want. Her and I have had this conversation and she tries to assure me she'd be ok with not having children, would be content on just living life with me.

But.. I can't shake this unsettling feeling that, over time, she may begin feeling unfulfilled (even if secretly), if I didn't give her that in life.

How do you feel about being in a relationship with someone who, from the beginning, you knew wanted kids but you didn't? Or vice versa

Is it too great a compromise which will ultimately cause problems? Should I listen to my gut feeling that she's agreeing to not having kids for the sake of the relationship but that over time it may cause a feeling of discontentment? If her and I kept going and later there started be be evidence of dissatisfaction, I pretty much have to live with the guilt of knowing I caused her dissatisfaction over the kids topic

Besides the issue of kids everything else seems to be fine. I'm in love with her, she seems in love with me. Should I let someone go, over differing stances on having kids even though everything else seem to be going well?

I know we are strangers but what has been your experience with something like this?

Replies

  • Unknown
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  • more_oomph
    more_oomph Posts: 112 Member
    my brother got divorced after 10 years because his wife wanted a kid

    they were set on not having kids but people change

    to me it sounds like she is going to want kids someday

    maybe you will too? time changes

    I say keep enjoying the relationship and re-assess the situation at a later time
  • OpheliaCooter
    OpheliaCooter Posts: 1,635 Member
    It’s hard to tell what the future holds and I say just keep an eye on that conversation.
  • Unknown
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  • ReenieHJ
    ReenieHJ Posts: 9,724 Member
    Dees_Apples wrote: »
    ReenieHJ wrote: »
    I always wanted to be a mom. That was my one heart's desire. DH was scared to be a dad. But he agreed. I don't think I could've/would've stayed with him if he was adamant about staying childless. JMO

    I agree with the poster who suggested you enjoy the relationship you have now, continue the conversation if it happens. People do definitely change and you just never know where your lives/thoughts/wants and needs will take you.

    How have things played out? Does he enjoy being a dad?

    I want very much for her to be happy, but that's the one thing I'm hesitant on. I'm sure there are joyful times with raising kids, I'm just very hesitant to take on the added responsibility and stress.

    We were both very hesitant to take on being a parent for the reasons you describe, plus of course, cost. I've always second-guessed myself about most things in my life. :/
    And some parents are better parents with different age groups. Considering our youngest just turned 29, I'd have to say dh became a better parent as he gained more experience, as our children got older and didn't feel so 'breakable' and as they became independent. I think all parents experience questioning themselves, wonder if they're making horrible mistakes that will cause lots of issues with their children, doing enough or doing too much, worrying about losing their freedom, etc., etc.

    I 100% feel dh or I wouldn't take back choosing parenthood. Not for any reason. But it is definitely an individual choice and no one else can make it for you and your gf.

    None of my own children have talked about having their own. They're enjoying life the way it is now for them but who knows what their futures hold. Our oldest is 40 and I'm 99% sure he and his gf will never have children.

    Good luck!!
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  • cwolfman13
    cwolfman13 Posts: 41,865 Member
    Have to figure it out before any talk of marriage. For now I'd just enjoy the relationship. That said, if someone does want kids and you don't and that doesn't really change, there is very likely to be resentment at some point.

    It's also difficult, because people change...though I don't know that I've ever seen anyone go from wanting kids to not wanting kids...usually the other way around. Neither my wife nor I really wanted kids when we decided to get married. We were happy just being us and traveling and climbing the corporate ladder, etc. About 5 years into our marriage we changed our minds, which fortunately, all of that happened for both of us at the same time.

    With two boys now, I can't personally imagine my life without them, so I'm glad we both changed our minds on the matter.
  • RAinWA
    RAinWA Posts: 1,980 Member
    Neither my husband or I wanted kids and we never changed our minds. We love kids, have a blast with the nieces and nephews and are close with all 15 of them. Over the years we have had a few of them live with us off and on. But we never changed our minds about having our own through 30 years of marriage.

    I think if one of us changed our minds at some point and was really adamant about wanting children, we probably would have had at least one.
  • Megan_smartiepants1970
    Megan_smartiepants1970 Posts: 43,253 Member
    I am a divorcee with 2 beautiful children ...actually 1 child (16) and 1 adult (22 as of yesterday) I wouldn't change a thing :)
  • Versicolour
    Versicolour Posts: 7,164 Member
    I have always wanted children. Ever since I can remember. Being pregnant was the best! I loved every second and I love being a mom now. Honestly, I would never have said that not having kids was okay with me. My sister is child-free and happy. Her and her husband decided not to have kids and they are both living a great life together.

    So if she says that she is okay with not having kids, she most likely really does mean it.

    Plus, we don't always plan these things. Nothing is 100% effective and if it is meant to be, it will be
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    al0481113 wrote: »
    I was always 100% "child free ". I was always busy with my career (still I am) and I love to travel. I am in a relationship with a man who is on the same page with me. We discussed that question before we moved together. We didn't want to have any issues with time. We love kids. We are happy when our nieces and nephews visit us. We always help kids who are in need. But we don't want to have our own children.

    This describes me too. I knew for certain as early as 12-13 that I never wanted to have kids, much in the same way that my girlfriends knew they wanted to become mothers. I understand and respect that it's not so clear cut like this for every person, though.

    I broke off my first engagement because I knew my fiance definitely wanted kids. We were only in our early twenties but I knew I wouldn't be happy and neither would he. He now has 3 kids.

    Later, I married a man who was sterile due to an accident. Our marriage was pretty happy and lasted almost a decade but in the end, one of several reasons it ended was because he had an extremely hard time dealing with all of his guy friends becoming fathers. It brought up a lot of anger and resentment for him and it was very surprising to me because for many years he sounded like he truly did not mind being childless due to sterility, and he always knew I was happy that we were never having kids.

    Finally in my mid-thirties I met my current husband who is 100% childfree like me. He has never for one moment wanted to have children and honestly he can live without even being around babies or kids, period. I am more involved with friends' children particularly when they hit elementary school and teen years and to me that is more than satisfying. We don't have kids in our families and love it this way. He had a vasectomy when we were just in the early stages of dating, mainly so I wouldn't have to worry about birth control, and I was overjoyed about it because I knew that we were 100% on the same page!

    I know some people change their minds but honestly I feel that if you don't 100% want kids it is usually better not to have them.
  • emjaybeb
    emjaybeb Posts: 58 Member
    I have 4 and honestly they are my life. My brother doesn't have children I totally respect that but I do often wonder if he'll love to regret it .
  • Xellercin
    Xellercin Posts: 924 Member
    A vasectomy was a condition of me getting engaged.

    I've had multiple partners claim they were okay with not having kids, but then realize that they really want them. So I would not get engaged to someone unless they were 100% certain that they didn't want them.

    It's the one thing you cannot compromise on in any way. You have to be totally aligned.

    I've had some lovely relationships end over this, that's just the reality of the issue.

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