It’s not about you….

DeaJay_ · October 2021

How do you deal with someone who makes everything about them? I told my girlfriend how unhappy I am with how I look right now and that starting tomorrow I’m going to be very strict with my workouts and diet. I tried to put on a pair of pants yesterday that used to be loose around the waist and they wouldn’t even button. It was a real wake up call for me. I’m about 20 pounds over my ideal weight right now. I see it in pics, in the way my clothes fit, in the way I feel. While I know I’m not obese or at an unhealthy weight I’m not happy with what I see in the mirror. I refuse to be in denial about my weight gain. So being that my girlfriend and I live together I wanted her to know what my goals are so she will understand when I turn down offers of fast food or maybe won’t be able to eat some of the stuff that she cooks. But she’s one of those people that makes everything about her. So she goes “so I guess you want me to lose weight too? “ I told her that it has nothing to do with her and that I’m doing it for myself because I’m unhappy with what I see in the mirror. But I know this is probably going to be an ongoing issue. So how do you deal with people in your lives that are like this? I know it stems from their own insecurities (she is overweight). I try to bring her to the gym with me, sometimes she goes and sometimes she doesn’t. As far as her diet it isn’t the best at all but she’s in denial about it and she’s stubborn and swears she knows it all. I’m not going to force anything on her, when she is ready to make major changes she will. But in the meantime how do you navigate around people like this so they don’t stall or sabotage your goals?

cmriverside · October 2021

Have you done any work on codependency? Therapy?

You cannot control other peoples' reactions, only your own.

There are a LOT of people like your GF. They are exhausting. I wish you well, and remember that you and you alone have control over what goes in your mouth.

Just let her vent and don't get dragged into it. It's her issue. I would just be calm and decline. Keep doing that and whatever her reaction is, that's her side of the street, yeah?

DeaJay_ · October 2021

cmriverside wrote: »

Have you done any work on codependency? Therapy?

You cannot control other peoples' reactions, only your own.

There are a LOT of people like your GF. They are exhausting. I wish you well, and remember that you and you alone have control over what goes in your mouth.

Just let her vent and don't get dragged into it. It's her issue. I would just be calm and decline. Keep doing that and whatever her reaction is, that's her side of the street, yeah?

Thank you so much. I don’t ever want to come off as bashing her because I love her very much. But if I’m being completely honest she is extremely codependent and it can be extremely exhausting to deal with. With I’m going to just keep pushing and maybe when she sees my progress she will join me.

goal06082021 · October 2021

This is a relationship question.

1. Stop trying to bring her to the gym with you. If she wants to come, she can say so out loud with words, but it is not your job to try to convince or encourage her. All you need to say is "I'm going to the gym, I'll be back around [time]," and that's just because it's generally polite to tell people you live with and care about where you're going and when you'll be back. If she still chooses to hear "I'm going to the gym" - a statement that has absolutely nothing to do with her beyond you courteously letting her know where you're going, like you would if you were going to get your nails done or going to the bank - as "you should come to the gym with me," that's her problem.
2. You're an adult and the boss of what goes into your body. Your girlfriend is not holding you at gunpoint and forcing you to eat her cooking or go to McDonald's with her. "I'm good, but thank you," possibly punctuated with a smooch, is all you need to say - do not ascribe moral values to any foods. Salad is not "good," pizza is not "bad." The only bad foods are foods that will hurt you if you eat them, because you are allergic to or intolerant of something in them.

If she continues to make your lifestyle changes about her, consider couples' counseling.

AnnPT77 · October 2021

If you're talking Girlfriend girlfriend, I vote you just tell her she's beautiful and you appreciate (love?) her, but that you need to set goals for your own self, and wanted to let her know what was going on with you . . . then drop it (permanently, if possible; mildest possible reminder if not possible to drop it long term). If roommate girlfriend, close to same, just a little less flowery.

Partners/friends worry that we'll change, improve, leave them behind. If that's not where our head is, but it's where their head goes, maintaining a good relationship (of whatever type) will require reassuring them periodically, and it will have more meaning if not prompted by a specific interaction/conflict.

I agree with you that in many cases the "all about me" people are insecure, not overconfident, though there are exceptions. You know her best, so I trust your interpretation.

LisaStapleton83 · October 2021

DeaJay_ wrote: »

How do you deal with someone who makes everything about them? I told my girlfriend how unhappy I am with how I look right now and that starting tomorrow I’m going to be very strict with my workouts and diet. I tried to put on a pair of pants yesterday that used to be loose around the waist and they wouldn’t even button. It was a real wake up call for me. I’m about 20 pounds over my ideal weight right now. I see it in pics, in the way my clothes fit, in the way I feel. While I know I’m not obese or at an unhealthy weight I’m not happy with what I see in the mirror. I refuse to be in denial about my weight gain. So being that my girlfriend and I live together I wanted her to know what my goals are so she will understand when I turn down offers of fast food or maybe won’t be able to eat some of the stuff that she cooks. But she’s one of those people that makes everything about her. So she goes “so I guess you want me to lose weight too? “ I told her that it has nothing to do with her and that I’m doing it for myself because I’m unhappy with what I see in the mirror. But I know this is probably going to be an ongoing issue. So how do you deal with people in your lives that are like this? I know it stems from their own insecurities (she is overweight). I try to bring her to the gym with me, sometimes she goes and sometimes she doesn’t. As far as her diet it isn’t the best at all but she’s in denial about it and she’s stubborn and swears she knows it all. I’m not going to force anything on her, when she is ready to make major changes she will. But in the meantime how do you navigate around people like this so they don’t stall or sabotage your goals?

If she’s overweight she is probably feeling insecure about you working to improve your health/how you look. She may feel like if your confidence/image improves you will look at her differently and think you can do better and may ultimately leave her for someone else. I know it’s irrational but that’s how insecure people think when their partner starts changing things up… she may worry that you will want to change/get rid of her too. I know it’s hard to understand if you don’t think/feel like this but it’s something she probably can’t control or struggles to control. Just do your thing and keep on being the loving partner that I’m sure you are and she’ll get used to it. If she doesn’t then that’s a different story…. She may have issues that run a lot deeper that nothing you say or do could change.

Theo166 · October 2021

If she's not on the same path as you, get her commitment to support you but don't try to involve her too much.

It you two are constantly talking about weight loss, it'll be a point of conflict. So talk about other things that don't put her on the spot about dieting. This is your path not hers. You'll know if she later wants to join your health kick.

rosebarnalice · November 2021

This may be a case of "show" more than "tell."

If she sees through your actions that you're committed and diligent with your own food and activity levels, and that you aren't judging or nagging her maybe she'll come to believe you.

springlering62 · November 2021

My husband was a bit insecure with my weight loss at first. I just made an effort to stay my same old pig headed sharp tongued bitchy self so that the only thing that changed was my shape.

He did ask to come to the gym one day, just to see what I did with my trainer. My gym is a small, hard core metal gym with serious big-muscles competitive lifters (I’m one of the few there not in that class), and my trainer is an older woman. Once he saw that his nearly 60 year old wife wasn’t surrounded by admirers (I love this man!!!!) and that her trainer was screaming at her to complete sets, he relaxed.

I never pressured him to go with me or eat what I ate, although, since I did the cooking, he had to either come along for that part of the ride or make other arrangements. But since I cooked the same old stuff and just ate smaller portions, he didn’t really notice.

After a while, he began bragging to others about my loss.

And a couple of months ago, he decided to join MFP himself and has already lost a few pounds. Again, on his own, no pressure or nagging from me.

I’ve tried to be supportive as possible in his efforts, although ^^^see bitchy tongue, above.

Fflpnari · November 2021

I dont share everything. I keep my journey privet. All my friends and family know i love working out. I ver ask anyone to go with me. I meal prep so there isnt the temptation to go out and eat

age_is_just_a_number · November 2021

I agree with Ann. Just let her know that you’ve decided to make some changes for you and that it shouldn’t impact your relationship.
Good luck with the changes you are making.

Xellercin · November 2021

DeaJay_ wrote: »

cmriverside wrote: »

Have you done any work on codependency? Therapy?

You cannot control other peoples' reactions, only your own.

There are a LOT of people like your GF. They are exhausting. I wish you well, and remember that you and you alone have control over what goes in your mouth.

Just let her vent and don't get dragged into it. It's her issue. I would just be calm and decline. Keep doing that and whatever her reaction is, that's her side of the street, yeah?

Thank you so much. I don’t ever want to come off as bashing her because I love her very much. But if I’m being completely honest she is extremely codependent and it can be extremely exhausting to deal with. With I’m going to just keep pushing and maybe when she sees my progress she will join me.

See, this sounds to me a lot like you *are* making it about her.

You say she's "extremely codependent," but codependency takes two. I'm not judging you at all, I've been there, some people make it almost impossible not to fall into codependent patterns with then, they make it the only comfortable way to interact with them.

However, that's where you need to take full responsibility for your own behaviour, even if behaving in a healthier, less codependent way creates a lot more conflict and friction.

It may feel loving, but it's not healthy for you to try and influence her behaviour "for her own good." That just reinforces the codependent dynamic.

It's not your place or your job to try and motivate her to exercise. She's a grown, independent woman who can and should make that decision for herself. If you are somehow feeling like the only way she'll exercise is if you encourage her or set an example, then that's you getting sucked in to codependency.

If you truly want her to respect that your choices are just about you and not about her, then they actually have to be just about you, and from what you are saying above, it sounds like they're at least a little bit about her too if part of your goal is to get her to exercise with you.

So how do you handle it?

Consider reading up on codependent relationships and working on setting and protecting your own boundaries.

As the quoted person above said, you can't control the behaviours or reactions of others, you can only control yourself. So if you have the appropriate boundaries, then nothing she does can actually stall or sabotage your goals.

Retroguy2000 · November 2021

LisaStapleton83 wrote: »

If she’s overweight she is probably feeling insecure about you working to improve your health/how you look. She may feel like if your confidence/image improves you will look at her differently and think you can do better and may ultimately leave her for someone else. I know it’s irrational but that’s how insecure people think when their partner starts changing things up… she may worry that you will want to change/get rid of her too. I know it’s hard to understand if you don’t think/feel like this but it’s something she probably can’t control or struggles to control. Just do your thing and keep on being the loving partner that I’m sure you are and she’ll get used to it. If she doesn’t then that’s a different story…. She may have issues that run a lot deeper that nothing you say or do could change.

I think you're on the right track about how the gf is seeing this. It seems rational to me, especially for a non-spouse. OP can reassure her that's not what's going on, but I'm sure it will take time to sink in.

I hope the gf starts to join the journey, both for her own benefit and to be more supportive to the OP, as that will be easier to share meals together, to pick which restaurants to use together, to not be leaving snacks around the house or eating them in front of OP, etc.

lynn_glenmont · November 2021

DeaJay_ wrote: »

How do you deal with someone who makes everything about them? I told my girlfriend how unhappy I am with how I look right now and that starting tomorrow I’m going to be very strict with my workouts and diet. I tried to put on a pair of pants yesterday that used to be loose around the waist and they wouldn’t even button. It was a real wake up call for me. I’m about 20 pounds over my ideal weight right now. I see it in pics, in the way my clothes fit, in the way I feel. While I know I’m not obese or at an unhealthy weight I’m not happy with what I see in the mirror. I refuse to be in denial about my weight gain. So being that my girlfriend and I live together I wanted her to know what my goals are so she will understand when I turn down offers of fast food or maybe won’t be able to eat some of the stuff that she cooks. But she’s one of those people that makes everything about her. So she goes “so I guess you want me to lose weight too? “ I told her that it has nothing to do with her and that I’m doing it for myself because I’m unhappy with what I see in the mirror. But I know this is probably going to be an ongoing issue. So how do you deal with people in your lives that are like this? I know it stems from their own insecurities (she is overweight). I try to bring her to the gym with me, sometimes she goes and sometimes she doesn’t. As far as her diet it isn’t the best at all but she’s in denial about it and she’s stubborn and swears she knows it all. I’m not going to force anything on her, when she is ready to make major changes she will. But in the meantime how do you navigate around people like this so they don’t stall or sabotage your goals?

You say it's about you and you're not trying to force anything on her, but you're inviting her to the gym and apparently trying to persuade her to eat in a certain way (otherwise what is she being stubborn about and what is she responding to when she swears she knows it all?) To you, this may feel like you're just offering to help, but to her it may feel like you're trying to change her. How is her not going to the gym with you or not eating what you want her to eat, or even arguing about what the right way to eat is, stalling or sabatoging your goals?

ETA missing "not" -- kind of an important word

dragon_girl26 · November 2021

goal06082021 wrote: »

This is a relationship question.

1. Stop trying to bring her to the gym with you. If she wants to come, she can say so out loud with words, but it is not your job to try to convince or encourage her. All you need to say is "I'm going to the gym, I'll be back around [time]," and that's just because it's generally polite to tell people you live with and care about where you're going and when you'll be back. If she still chooses to hear "I'm going to the gym" - a statement that has absolutely nothing to do with her beyond you courteously letting her know where you're going, like you would if you were going to get your nails done or going to the bank - as "you should come to the gym with me," that's her problem.
2. You're an adult and the boss of what goes into your body. Your girlfriend is not holding you at gunpoint and forcing you to eat her cooking or go to McDonald's with her. "I'm good, but thank you," possibly punctuated with a smooch, is all you need to say - do not ascribe moral values to any foods. Salad is not "good," pizza is not "bad." The only bad foods are foods that will hurt you if you eat them, because you are allergic to or intolerant of something in them.

If she continues to make your lifestyle changes about her, consider couples' counseling.

^^this

Especially the "good" and "bad" food thing. If she wants to go out to eat or makes something you don't want to eat, don't say it's "bad" because she will probably take it as a judgment on what she's eating. Eating certain foods are not a moral choice. Just saying "no thank you" is enough.

ReenieHJ · November 2021

DeaJay_ wrote: »

How do you deal with someone who makes everything about them? I told my girlfriend how unhappy I am with how I look right now that starting tomorrow I’m going to be very strict with my workouts and diet. I tried to put on a pair of pants yesterday that used to be loose around the waist and they wouldn’t even button. It was a real wake up call for me. I’m about 20 pounds over my ideal weight right now. I see it in pics, in the way my clothes fit, in the way I feel. While I know I’m not obese or at an unhealthy weight I’m not happy with what I see in the mirror. I refuse to be in denial about my weight gain. So being that my girlfriend and I live together I wanted her to know what my goals are so she will understand when I turn down offers of fast food or maybe won’t be able to eat some of the stuff that she cooks. But she’s one of those people that makes everything about her. So she goes “so I guess you want me to lose weight too? “ I told her that it has nothing to do with her and that I’m doing it for myself because I’m unhappy with what I see in the mirror. But I know this is probably going to be an ongoing issue. So how do you deal with people in your lives that are like this? I know it stems from their own insecurities (she is overweight). I try to bring her to the gym with me, sometimes she goes and sometimes she doesn’t. As far as her diet it isn’t the best at all but she’s in denial about it and she’s stubborn and swears she knows it all. I’m not going to force anything on her, when she is ready to make major changes she will. But in the meantime how do you navigate around people like this so they don’t stall or sabotage your goals?

I haven't replied before now and I see you haven't returned to the thread recently. BUT just from what you said in your first post, due to my insecurities, these few emphasized words would make me wonder if I wasn't good enough, if you also were looking at me with those same glasses. I obviously don't have a clue with your gf's insecurities but that could be partly the way her mind is working.

Losing weight, getting fit, stopping cigarettes or alcohol, etc., has got to come from inside that person, and not from being pushed to go to the gym, or eat better or don't buy those cigarettes/bottle of booze, type of conversations. If anything, tell her you're going for a walk/hike/bike ride and ask if she'd like to go. End of conversation.
JMO

It’s not about you….

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