My wife is a feeder

callsitlikeiseeit wrote: »

You can not change OTHER people.

Ever.

Is she buying it because SHE eats and drinks it also or is it FOR YOU. if its FOR YOU- throw it out. give it away. return it to the store. just get rid of it. If she wants to eat it, thats fine, but she needs to take it somewhere else to eat. a friends, work (maybe not the booze), but out of the house or even as stupid as it may sound, a locked cabinet only she has the key to. She needs to respect your choices to make healthier changes for yourself and help in the ways she can.

If she can't, it sounds as though couples counseling may be needed.

On your end, you need to learn how to say no thank you. You need to learn how to have those temptations around, and ignore them. My husband needs to gain weight. I've continued to lose throughout our relationship and marriage. There's always junk food around. I cook nice dinners, and bake sweets for him. Theres a chocolate pie in the fridge right now. I leave it all alone, or have a small portion of 'whatever'. There are very few things that I can NOT eat in moderation, and those things... I dont bring into the house in any quantity (that im not willing to eat then and there lol). So that willpower is something you need to work on. No one can do that for you.

I agree 100% with this. She's not going to change. If you've asked her not to buy it (or so much) in the past and she does anyway, and then you eat it...... Well think about it. She may be doing this on purpose. There are spouses that don't want their other half losing weight for various reasons--we've had several interesting threads on the topic over the years.

So, what to do? You do you. Control yourself. If you can moderate, allow a taste once in a while, if not, don't touch it--imagine there's poison in there. Whatever you need to do. Make sure you're logging correctly all your food and drink and see what you can fit in. Another thought is that many go into maintenance for the holidays so they can eat a bit more, and go back into a deficit in January. There are always ways to do things.

andysport1 wrote: »

Thank you everyone, I don't log my food, thank you for your advice, I sent a few messages
1 Although it's a difficult thing to come to terms with I actually think giving away alcohol and chocolate is probably the best thing for me.
As I've previously said I have very little self control, if it's there I'll eat it or drink it, the more I consume the more I want. As I had said to you "here I have found a solution, if I want something I go and buy it, I don't stock pile chocolate, sweets, alcohol or bread.
I've worked so hard to lose weight again I had my mind set that I would avoid indulgence over Christmas, when I saw you'd bought 4 litres of Bailey's I thought how the hell am I supposed to avoid over indulgence. Those thoughts then made me feel uncomfortable.
Message received
Why would you think all those are for you. I think 4 bottles of Baileys all to yourself is a bit much.
Message 2
clearly what I thought has bothered me and caused me concern, I'm letting you know how I thought and felt when you told me you'd purchased 4 bottles of Bailey's plus other things.

*To paint a picture a litre of Bailey's is 3500 calories and I will easily drink a litre in one evening, I'm incapable of one glass

How you define yourself is really important. It can become self-fulfilling prophecy. I think you may be letting yourself off the hook, giving yourself excuses to fail.

Consider reframing: In the past, you have been unable to limit consumption, resist treats. You can change. People do, you can. You can become a person who is now learning to limit consumption, resist treats. Will it always go perfectly? No. But if you define it as impossible . . . it is impossible. Try to downgrade it to merely very difficult, and keep working at it. Self-control becomes easier with practice.

It's your job to define your own goals, make the changes you need to make to achieve them. It's not your wife's job to do it for you. (As others have said, it can be fair, as a temporary thing, to ask her to store treats out of your sight, and consume them in ways that aren't waving them in your face, if she wants to keep consuming them herself. It's not reasonable to expect her to give up treats because you want to do so.)

Sometimes partners/spouses feel threatened when we want to change, especially if they're not ready to change themselves (but secretly know such a change would be good for them). They may fear that if we accomplish self-improvements, we'll think we're too good for them and leave - may even think that we're improving ourselves on purpose because we plan to leave them. Is that possible, in your wife's case? If so, maybe it will help to reassure her that you do care for her, want to find a way for both of you to be happy and satisfied, and that you're not remodeling yourself so you can leave her. I don't know whether that scenario is true in your case, but it's a real thing that happens in some couples.

Best wishes!

I would like to add that perhaps your wife doesn't think you're serious, since you then consume what she purchased. There are a lot of people giving lip service to things they have no intention of doing, like I really want to lose weight but never taking action. And people who like the excuse of someone else buying it, bringing it in, etc. I think you need to be clear and consistent in your messaging. Perhaps this holiday season is a good time to have a heart to heart about going forward.

Also, many people show love and caring by giving us food we like, or that is special, or as a way of celebrating, especially if you are away a lot - it might be part of welcoming you home and wanting you to feel loved & appreciated. It may be as she makes these purchases she happily imagines you enjoying them, especially as you have so far regardless of what you've said.

Long distance relationships are hard! Be kind but firm if you have changed, and give her a chance to catch up.

My 2 cents lol!

OP.... heres something for you to think about...

my husband is a recovering alcoholic. He has been sober for 2 years now.

I dont drink often, but do drink. When I do, it t ends to be liquor, which was never his thing, which was beer. Beer doesn't do much for me, though I don't mind it. Just not my thing.

Liquor in the house never bothered him, even right after he stopped drinking, because he didnt like it. But about 6 months after he stopped drinking, we got married, and had cases of beer leftover at the house, and I'd be lying if I wasn't a *tad* concerned it would be a bit too tempting for him. One day I saw him picking up a case of it and asked him (as nonchalantly as I could) what he was doing with it.
'Taking it over to so and so's house'
'really? why?'
'Well, I'm not going to drink it. Youre not going to drink it, someone may as well drink it'

And he took those cases over to his buddys house, and was home in 15 minutes. And I knew then, he had beaten his demons.

You, too, can beat your demons.

If you want to.

snowflake954 wrote: »

callsitlikeiseeit wrote: »

OP.... heres something for you to think about...

my husband is a recovering alcoholic. He has been sober for 2 years now.

I dont drink often, but do drink. When I do, it t ends to be liquor, which was never his thing, which was beer. Beer doesn't do much for me, though I don't mind it. Just not my thing.

Liquor in the house never bothered him, even right after he stopped drinking, because he didnt like it. But about 6 months after he stopped drinking, we got married, and had cases of beer leftover at the house, and I'd be lying if I wasn't a *tad* concerned it would be a bit too tempting for him. One day I saw him picking up a case of it and asked him (as nonchalantly as I could) what he was doing with it.
'Taking it over to so and so's house'
'really? why?'
'Well, I'm not going to drink it. Youre not going to drink it, someone may as well drink it'

And he took those cases over to his buddys house, and was home in 15 minutes. And I knew then, he had beaten his demons.

You, too, can beat your demons.

If you want to.

You know--this is a great story.

We're around people who drink ALL the time. his coworkers, friends, we have a big halloween party every year, etc. every time he starts on a new job site he has to train his co workers that he DOESNT drink. it always takes them awhile to 'get it'. LOL

But it doesnt bother him to be around people who ARE drinking. he doesnt think anything about it. Right at first it was harder, I know, but as time went on... it became something he thought less and less about, as far as being something they had that he wanted. And he will be the first one to tell people that he knew he could have the beer or he could have his wife, and there was no choice at all (and he was right, I would have made that decision for him-i don't give ultimatums). But it boils down to that when someone wants something badly enough, they make the changes they need to. Even when they are hard

Every time I see this thread title, I get irritated.

Your wife is a feeder? She forces your jaws open and force feeds you like a veal calf?

I understand the issue, but this comes off as shifting the blame.

When my husband found out he was diabetic 20 or so years ago, he changed his diet completely. I didn’t. I went to his diabetic training classes with him, but still brought in sack loads of sweets, pies etc. Didn’t bother to hide them or be discreet. He stuck to his guns, though and seldom ate them.

When I went on MFP, it was the reverse. I got rid of all the sweets and would no longer buy them. He would buy his own snacks and hide them.

Once, I found a bag of chocolate hidden in the toolbox and ate the whole damn thing to “show him”. No. Not really. Only in my head at that moment. I am greedy (notice I didn’t say “was”) and have no Off switch, and any sweets are fair game.

Thank heavens, now we are both on MFP. Life has improved so much. No feeling like I have to justify foods, or rationalize weighing, we have yet another shared interest, we are a team with this good thing. However, I would have kept to it even if he hadn’t come over to the Scale Side.

It’s our own minds we have to control, not someone else’s. If you’re blaming her for this, you’re passing blame in other parts of your marriage, too. I know. I’m the expert in the Blame Game. Ironically with weight loss, the need to blame in any arena has reduced, too. I sincerely believe doing this together has strengthened our relationship even more.

Set an example, don’t nag bully or whine , and maybe she’ll join you when she sees the results.