why does the guy get to decide???

dancer4275
dancer4275 Posts: 149
edited October 2 in Motivation and Support
I've been thinking about this lately and thought I'd write a post about it.
For some reason, it bothers me when a boyfriend/husband tells his girlfriend/wife what she should or shouldn't weigh. Like, when a woman who is 140 wants to be down to 120 (or something) but her husband says she'll be too skinny and wants her to stay the way she is. It bothers me because it is her body, and her weight, and she should be able to decide for herself when she looks to thin, and when she looks just right. I do agree that someone should step in if she is becoming unhealthy to be thin...however, she should feel comfortable. Instead, she stays at an uncomfortable weight for herself because her partner doesn't want her to lose anything. I just feel it is selfish on the man's part.
Maybe I'm overreacting? Not sure. But I'd like to hear different opinions on it to get some different insight. thanks.
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Replies

  • FrenchMob
    FrenchMob Posts: 1,167 Member
    If you're hearing that, then you're with the wrong man, period.
  • FaugHorn
    FaugHorn Posts: 1,060 Member
    Maybe he's saying that she'd be too thin so she doesn't think he thinks she's fat. Most men (who aren't idiots) will say that they like the way their partner is now, anything else would be relationship suicide ;)
  • JennaM222
    JennaM222 Posts: 1,996 Member
    If you're hearing that, then you're with the wrong man, period.

    ^^^ This.

    And, you also have low selfesteem when you stay with someone like that. I have finally found a man that supports me 100% and even does the 30 day shred with me HA! now, that is a good guy :)
  • MichelleFirestone
    MichelleFirestone Posts: 212 Member
    My husband doesn't like the thin type. He prefers a little meat, as he says it, and curves. Maybe that's it?
    My husband supports me 100%, he even rides bike, etc with me. But he also supports me 100% if I decided enough is enough. He doesn't cut me down, or push, etc.

    its possible your husband doesn't want to say the wrong thing? You could take it as, he thinks your fat, if he tells you to lose more.

    Or maybe he is saying it, because he thinks your beautiful just the way you are?
  • abbie017
    abbie017 Posts: 410
    My boyfriend has never told me what I should or shouldn't weigh. He has supported me in this journey, while saying he loved me at my higher weight, and will love me at whatever weight I end up at. If he did, I think it would be more a sign of trouble in the relationship.
  • wutamunkee
    wutamunkee Posts: 440 Member
    If you're hearing that, then you're with the wrong man, period.

    It is not his decision... love is not about looks or weight... tell him to shut up or get out.
  • billsica
    billsica Posts: 4,741 Member
    My wife told me that I was not allowed to go under 200 lbs. I think you are over reacting. I just dealt with it, and will or will not go under 200 lbs.
  • mpdes
    mpdes Posts: 40
    I never heard anyone making this type of request, but the other way around (you should lose weight) - all the time...
  • scott1024
    scott1024 Posts: 279 Member
    Yea, we make that stuff up to keep the peace. "No, baby - you look just fine the way you are." Sometimes to agree is to cut one's own throat. "Sure, honey - if you want to lose a few pounds that's a great idea." Suicide in my house...just sayin.
  • wutamunkee
    wutamunkee Posts: 440 Member
    My husband doesn't like the thin type. He prefers a little meat, as he says it, and curves. Maybe that's it?

    Or maybe he is saying it, because he thinks your beautiful just the way you are?

    These are both valid, but he should explain these to you and let YOU decide...
  • Brannock8
    Brannock8 Posts: 170 Member
    My initial reaction to just the post title: "when does a guy get to decide anything?" haha

    In all seriousness though, in the situation you describe. It sounds like the husband is being caring and wants to make sure that she knows he loves her the way she is. Trying to make sure that she isn't doing it becuase she things he thinks she's fat, or based on some societal pressure. I think for the most part a husband will be happy if she is making healthy decisions that will make her happy, as long as he knows that it is really why she's doing it. We just aren't particularly articulate haha.
  • PavlovianKitten
    PavlovianKitten Posts: 3
    I think there is a HUGE difference between expressing a preference for a certain weight or look and trying to actually control what the woman does. If it's the first, no big deal, everyone has preferences and I would hope that in a relationship you could feel free to express that. If it's the second, leave his sorry *kitten*.
  • vim_n_vigor
    vim_n_vigor Posts: 4,089 Member
    There are a few different ways that this can happen. Maybe the guy is genuinely worried that additional weight loss won't be healthy and is saying that out of concern. Maybe that guy is a control freak and wants to control her. Maybe something in between. Without knowing them, it is hard to know.
  • auticus
    auticus Posts: 1,051 Member
    Let me tell you a story:

    I was married at 19. My wife was 105 lbs. I was an athlete and then I was in the army so I was in really good shape.

    After the army I gained 50 lbs in two months. At my biggest I was 272 lbs.

    My wife left me because of my weight. Well... she cited that as the major issue. She said I was wasting her youth and that she deserved better.

    A few years later I was with someone who then also left me for my weight, citing that she deserved better. That was me at 240 lbs.

    The bottom line is: it's not just the guys that get to decide. Women are just as visual, just as shallow about it, and that is to be expected in our culture which is based on things and possessions and winning.

    At least you know when they say that what type of person they are. The sad thing is, that breed makes up the majority of the human population in the western hemisphere.
  • Qarol
    Qarol Posts: 6,171 Member
    My husband likes a bigger woman. I was 180 when I got married (18 pounds away...yay), and he thought I was perfect. If he had his way, I wouldn't go below that. But I'd like to get to 160. Does he ever ask me not to go for it? No. It would never even occur to him that he had any say in the matter. But it's nice to know if I ever have trouble staying at my goal, he's going to love my body no matter what.
  • carymi30
    carymi30 Posts: 32
    Ever think he is insecure? Men that are insecure do not want you to look your best because they fear they might loose you. Thats been my experience.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    First, the guy doesn't get to DECIDE, but he is allowed to have an opinion. Men are attracted to who they're attracted to and if he thinks you look better at a higher weight, then that's his opinion. Doesn't mean you have to abide by it. He probably wouldn't say anything if you just did your thing and didn't talk to him about it, anyway.

    However, there are a few things I think you're ignoring:

    1. It's PC for him to say "that's too thin." If he doesn't, then you'll think he thinks you're too fat now. He loses either way.

    2. He may not realize what 120 LOOKS LIKE on you. He just hears a number and doesn't know what it means.

    I think you're overthinking this and being a little too sensitive. :-)

    My boyfriend didn't want me to lose weight. He said I looked fine the way I was and only his opinion should matter (meaning that he thought I was losing weight to impress other people). I informed him that *I* wasn't happy with my body and MY opinion was the one that mattered most, then proceeded to lose weight. He never said another negative word and complimented me on my loss.

    But, really, I don't think he has a clue. I weighed about 10 pounds less when I met him than I do now, but a few months ago, he said something about how much heavier I was when we met than I am now.

    Um ... no, I definitely was not! So, I really think men mostly don't notice what we weigh.
  • KyleB65
    KyleB65 Posts: 1,196 Member
    Maybe he's saying that she'd be too thin so she doesn't think he thinks she's fat. Most men (who aren't idiots) will say that they like the way their partner is now, anything else would be relationship suicide ;)

    Ditto!

    As a man & a husband. I would never think of telling my wife to lose any weight nor would I agree with her if she said she wanted/needed to lose weight!

    I get in enough trouble when she asks me what clothing she should wear or buy! :-)

    On a serious note. I have encouraged my wife to exercise more as a way to feel better and be healthier. Part of my encouragement is pestering her to go on bike rides with me, or to go for a walk after dinner. I absolutely, positively never "tell" her to do anything.
  • laurad1406
    laurad1406 Posts: 341
    I think there is a HUGE difference between expressing a preference for a certain weight or look and trying to actually control what the woman does. If it's the first, no big deal, everyone has preferences and I would hope that in a relationship you could feel free to express that. If it's the second, leave his sorry *kitten*.

    This. My boyfriend completely supports and encourages me working out, but he would be disappointed if i got TOO thin (which, luckily I agree). I have showed him pictures of me in the past when I was REALLY thin, and he definitely finds me more attractive a few pounds heavier than when I was a size 0 or 2.
  • StaceyL76
    StaceyL76 Posts: 711 Member
    I am not sure why any woman would surrender her power like that. He has an opinion just like everyone. Take what you want and leave the rest. If it would make you happy to be 20lbs lighter go for it..

    The real quesiton is: Why would any woman think she has to lose or not lose because their partner thinks it to be. Seriously - no one says you have to do as they say. In other words: They only decide if you decide they decide. Take your power back.
  • cocoder
    cocoder Posts: 1 Member
    He doesn't get to decide...he does get to have an opinion. How the woman responds depends on the dynamics of the relationship and how much that opinion matters to her. His word is only "law" if she lets it be.
    .
  • Amber82479
    Amber82479 Posts: 629 Member
    Personally, I think that's terrible. Will he not love you if you're too heavy as well? Maybe we should start adding "for fat or for thin" to our wedding vows?!

    My suggestion would be to try taking the numbers out of it. Don't tell him where you're at as far as your weight and see how it goes. Maybe you'll get down to your goal weight and he'll still be happy because he doesn't realize that your goal weight is less than that "ideal number" he has in his head. As long as you're at a healthy weight, it might not even be an issue. It could just be that he has an idea in his head that your goal weight sounds too low? Not sure, just speculating. I would have to imagine your husband would want the best for your health, and being at a healthy weight is so much better for your heart and especially your joints - could you sell it to him that way? If not, just smack him up side the head and tell him if he doesn't love you the way you are, someone else will!

    Seriously though, I hope you get through this. **hugs**
  • BeeElMarvin
    BeeElMarvin Posts: 2,086 Member
    My wife never told me that I could decide...
  • mrmanmeat
    mrmanmeat Posts: 1,968 Member
    If you're hearing that, then you're with the wrong man, period.

    It is not his decision... love is not about looks or weight... tell him to shut up or get out.

    Oh but love is about looks. Deny it all you want, but looks is an important factor in beginning the process of falling in love.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    The moral of the thread:

    Men, if you agree a woman needs to lose weight, you are a jerk and she should leave you. But if you tell her she's fine the way she is, you are a jerk and she should leave you.
  • iAMaPhoenix
    iAMaPhoenix Posts: 1,038 Member
    Because he has an opinion, that is why!!! But it is just that. Take it for what it is and talk to him. He sounds like he would love you at the lesser weight just like he does now, but us men have to walk a thin line with our ladies because we don't want to hurt your feelings. Would you feel good if he told you that you are a fat *kitten* who needs to lose the weight. I think not. Now he is saying you are fine as you are and you are not happy with that. Talk to the guy and let him know where you are coming from, and come to a happy medium.

    A man is entitled to be happy in the relationship too, and if that means you having to lose 10#s instead of 20, think about him. It may also be his insecurities, but that is where you have to walk a thin line to not hurt his feelings. Or you can just leave the *kitten* selfish son of a blowhard now...
  • laurad1406
    laurad1406 Posts: 341
    The moral of the thread:

    Men, if you agree a woman needs to lose weight, you are a jerk and she should leave you. But if you tell her she's fine the way she is, you are a jerk and she should leave you.

    :laugh: so true, no wonder they think we're all crazy!
  • FunRun08
    FunRun08 Posts: 203 Member
    I think husbands of significant others walk a very fine line of being supportive without seeming pushy. I think that concern about losing too much, or enough weight is best left to girlfriends. My husband would never tell me to stop losing or that he preferred me to be heavier or lighter ( because he values his life) but I work at a gym and my boss is also one of my closest friends, and she is the one who checks me on my weight and makes sure my goals are realistic, and I do the same for her.
  • auticus
    auticus Posts: 1,051 Member
    If you're hearing that, then you're with the wrong man, period.

    It is not his decision... love is not about looks or weight... tell him to shut up or get out.

    Oh but love is about looks. Deny it all you want, but looks is an important factor in beginning the process of falling in love.

    Looks make up about 90% of the beginnings of most relationships. That's why many of us struggle to try to lose weight. That's the "reward" for it.
  • Aegelis
    Aegelis Posts: 237 Member
    If you're hearing that, then you're with the wrong man, period.

    I disagree and find this very judgemental. Many wives ask for their husband's opinion and a man should be applauded if he's being honest. If he's demanding or getting angry at your weight management, okay, to that I see a problem, but I wouldn't kick a spouse to the curb because of their preferences, that's just stupid.

    Perhaps a good approach is "I'd like to try weighing X, mind if I give it a try?" More than likely a person would be honored to be asked or as least give up and say "alright, go ahead". Who knows, the experiment may produce a better result. For me, I grew a gotee without permission. My wife said she didn't like it. After a few months I shaved it off and she said, "maybe you should grow the gotee back"
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