Dear Deployment, I HATE you.
:explode:
It was tolerable. It was okay. We talk everyday and had pleasant conversations and I sent him letters and packages. I had my one meltdown that you all know about because I posted about it here. I promise, I'm not having another one! What I am struggling with at this point is a miserable husband. It seems like there is nothing I can say to him to bring some sense of positivity to his day. He is mopey, unhappy, despondent...like I said, miserable. I have always been the type of person that relentlessly tries to lift someone's mood. I just won't give up. Naturally, my husband is the type of person that REFUSES to be happy when he's really in a bad mood.
The military lifestyle is just not him. I've known that about him from day one. He cannot stand being in. This is the type of guy who you'd see sitting in a park up against a tree with his iPod plugged into his ears and a sketchpad in his lap, content to sit there and draw for hours, by himself. This is the type of guy that should have gone to an art school. This is the type of guy that is unconventional, easygoing, and resistant of overbearing macho attitudes. So not only did my wonderful husband choose the military, he chose the MARINE CORPS of all branches. I mean, really. Come on. His MOS (occupation) says it all - he's a combat photographer/graphics illustrator. So he even chose the ONLY artsy field in the military.
So now he's in the Marine Corps and he's deployed, where he has NO freedom whatsoever and NO free time whatsoever. There is no wandering around listening to music on your iPod and drawing. There is no playing video games for hours. Don't get me wrong, my baby's an extremely hard worker. He gets the job done and he hates slackers. He's not just an immature kid who doesn't want to work. He's a perfectionist and works very, very hard. This week it seems like something in him finally snapped, because he is incessantly miserable in our conversations and I am becoming more and more frustrated because I don't know what to do to help. Our phone calls have ended with angry hang-ups the last three days in a row (both of us have done it!). We were doing really well but I really don't want to start fighting every single day. I love him so much and I want to be there for him and lift him up when he's not in a good mood but it seems damn near impossible at the moment.
:brokenheart: Ugh I'm so frustrated.
It was tolerable. It was okay. We talk everyday and had pleasant conversations and I sent him letters and packages. I had my one meltdown that you all know about because I posted about it here. I promise, I'm not having another one! What I am struggling with at this point is a miserable husband. It seems like there is nothing I can say to him to bring some sense of positivity to his day. He is mopey, unhappy, despondent...like I said, miserable. I have always been the type of person that relentlessly tries to lift someone's mood. I just won't give up. Naturally, my husband is the type of person that REFUSES to be happy when he's really in a bad mood.
The military lifestyle is just not him. I've known that about him from day one. He cannot stand being in. This is the type of guy who you'd see sitting in a park up against a tree with his iPod plugged into his ears and a sketchpad in his lap, content to sit there and draw for hours, by himself. This is the type of guy that should have gone to an art school. This is the type of guy that is unconventional, easygoing, and resistant of overbearing macho attitudes. So not only did my wonderful husband choose the military, he chose the MARINE CORPS of all branches. I mean, really. Come on. His MOS (occupation) says it all - he's a combat photographer/graphics illustrator. So he even chose the ONLY artsy field in the military.
So now he's in the Marine Corps and he's deployed, where he has NO freedom whatsoever and NO free time whatsoever. There is no wandering around listening to music on your iPod and drawing. There is no playing video games for hours. Don't get me wrong, my baby's an extremely hard worker. He gets the job done and he hates slackers. He's not just an immature kid who doesn't want to work. He's a perfectionist and works very, very hard. This week it seems like something in him finally snapped, because he is incessantly miserable in our conversations and I am becoming more and more frustrated because I don't know what to do to help. Our phone calls have ended with angry hang-ups the last three days in a row (both of us have done it!). We were doing really well but I really don't want to start fighting every single day. I love him so much and I want to be there for him and lift him up when he's not in a good mood but it seems damn near impossible at the moment.
:brokenheart: Ugh I'm so frustrated.
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Replies
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:explode:
It was tolerable. It was okay. We talk everyday and had pleasant conversations and I sent him letters and packages. I had my one meltdown that you all know about because I posted about it here. I promise, I'm not having another one! What I am struggling with at this point is a miserable husband. It seems like there is nothing I can say to him to bring some sense of positivity to his day. He is mopey, unhappy, despondent...like I said, miserable. I have always been the type of person that relentlessly tries to lift someone's mood. I just won't give up. Naturally, my husband is the type of person that REFUSES to be happy when he's really in a bad mood.
The military lifestyle is just not him. I've known that about him from day one. He cannot stand being in. This is the type of guy who you'd see sitting in a park up against a tree with his iPod plugged into his ears and a sketchpad in his lap, content to sit there and draw for hours, by himself. This is the type of guy that should have gone to an art school. This is the type of guy that is unconventional, easygoing, and resistant of overbearing macho attitudes. So not only did my wonderful husband choose the military, he chose the MARINE CORPS of all branches. I mean, really. Come on. His MOS (occupation) says it all - he's a combat photographer/graphics illustrator. So he even chose the ONLY artsy field in the military.
So now he's in the Marine Corps and he's deployed, where he has NO freedom whatsoever and NO free time whatsoever. There is no wandering around listening to music on your iPod and drawing. There is no playing video games for hours. Don't get me wrong, my baby's an extremely hard worker. He gets the job done and he hates slackers. He's not just an immature kid who doesn't want to work. He's a perfectionist and works very, very hard. This week it seems like something in him finally snapped, because he is incessantly miserable in our conversations and I am becoming more and more frustrated because I don't know what to do to help. Our phone calls have ended with angry hang-ups the last three days in a row (both of us have done it!). We were doing really well but I really don't want to start fighting every single day. I love him so much and I want to be there for him and lift him up when he's not in a good mood but it seems damn near impossible at the moment.
:brokenheart: Ugh I'm so frustrated.0 -
Just keep doing what you are doing. You are a good wife! :flowerforyou:0
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Just keep doing what you are doing. You are a good wife! :flowerforyou:
Thank you. :flowerforyou: I needed that.0 -
From someone who has been both where you are and have been on his end. All you can do is listen and be understanding. Don't let him know you are stressed about him being stressed....he needs to be in the game and not worried about you stressing. The deployed person sometimes needs to vent. You are probably the only one he can vent to. If he starts to recognize that his dumping is affecting you, he will stop venting to you and will be left with no one to vent too. I know it sucks, but it will get better.
I am a "fixer" also, but you can't fix things for him right now.
Hang in there!
There is help at www.militaryonesourse.com0 -
Just keep doing what you are doing. You are a good wife! :flowerforyou:
Thank you. :flowerforyou: I needed that.
No worries! :flowerforyou:
I know how it is. Don't take it personally. I know that is easier said than done, but I can guarantee you, you are the highlight of his days.
Deployments are so hard but use all of the support systems you can. *BIG HUGS*0 -
Don't get too upset about mood swings, we all have them. My husband sounds alot like yours and probably most are like that. I think it is in our genetic make up to be the peace makers. Although I'm not in the same situation my husband (almost 20 years together) can be the same way. Sometimes it's best to just let them know you're there when they are ready to talk, and even if you're mad at the time you should end your conversations with an "I love you". I can't even imagine how hard this is for both of you. But good lasting relationships require a lot of give and take. There are times when I could strangle my other half but I'd miss him to much
so just say I love you and give him some space. He usually comes around with a sheepish look and apoligizes cause letsface it he's usually the one that was wrong:bigsmile: 0 -
From someone who has been both where you are and have been on his end. All you can do is listen and be understanding. Don't let him know you are stressed about him being stressed....he head needs to be in the game and not worried about you stressing. The deployed person sometimes needs to vent. You are probably the only one he can vent to. If he starts to recognize that his dumping is affecting you, he will stop venting to you and will be left with no one to vent too. I know it sucks, but it will get better.
Hang in there!
There is help at www.militaryonesourse.com
Thank you for that. I have to admit I am starting to resent being told that my husband shouldn't have to worry about my feelings. I feel like that's a horrible message to be sending to my husband. Of course I know that he can't be worried about me right now. But at the same time, there is a small part of me wanting to kick and scream and say "excuse me?!?! He better care!" *huge sigh* Does that make sense? It's hard to give and give and give and give and GIVE some more and get little if anything in return. I'm trying. But that's a hard pill to swallow.
But I understand completely what you're telling me. I want to always be his escape, but this week I have been nothing but his venting post. There has been nothing positive in our conversations at all, and that is extremely draining. Thanks for the link. I will check it out. 0 -
I too have also been in your shoes! While it's been four years since he was over there, and is now honorably discharged, I still feel your pain! It is SO hard to listen to them. Not, the complaining, but the tone of their voice. YOU know something is wrong.... And you feel helpless, right? Well, the only thing I can tell you is to liston to him, feel for him, let him know you are there for him. Guys aren't big on the talk/emotins thing so maybe you should bring the subject up yourself? Tell him that you know he's struggling, and you want to be his crying shoulder. He doesn't need to worry about you being over burdened with his "crap" (not that it is crap, but that's probibly what HE thinks...). He probibly doesn't want to stress you, worry you so the only thing he can think of to save you from that is to not tell you how he feels, how he hurts, worries, is sad.... I know it sounds weird, but you need to be the stong one now, be his rock. When he comes home, he can go back to being the strong one....
No more angry hang ups.... Please, that's only going to stress both of you out more... Plus, I just think of the "what if".... I'm so not trying to be mean, so please don't take that the wrong way..... It's all coming from the . :flowerforyou:
Gosh, I hope you start to feel better soon... If you need to talk, I'm here for you - you can vent to me everyday if you want!!! hahhahaa. Hope what I said makes sence... I can ramble sometimes!
:flowerforyou:0 -
Hi!!
I was setting up my wifes profile and got done before starting mine and saw this. I too am in the military (21 yrs now) and I can tell you some things that might help and also what he might be going through. I have done over 20 deployments leaving the wife, kids, and home behind to serve my country.
First I will tell you what might be happening from his end and I want you to think about what I am telling you. When a military man leaves behind his family and home it isn't something he gets excited about. Depression about doing so starts about a month prior to leaving. That is when short fuses start to begin and they don't stop until getting on the plane to leave. Then the military man sometimes feels a ssign of relief he is going to stop fighting with the wife or kids. Once in theater the job starts. The first week time zones wreck havoc on the body and mind until a good schedule starts to begin. No matter what military job there is there is a reason for it and he still has to put his life in danger if it happens. A deployed military man who has a good marriage has 2 things on his mind....home (wife) and work. Normally in that order and thinking of home can get a soldier killed or cause his co-workers to get killed. He counts down the days to get home and he can't wait to get to a phone to call his wife or husband if female. He wakes up in the morning thinking about the wife and goes to bed thinking of her. There is no hugging or kissing to say goodnight in person...just a pillow to hold and slip off to slip hoping for no nightmares or "dear John" letters for the next day which some troop members do get. Your military man doesn't always get an 8-hr sleep, nice relaxing hot shower, home cook meal, watching his favorite tv programs at night, drinking a nice ice cold beer, shower in private and sometimes taking a crap in front of others. His bed is normally a cot or for sure not the same bed he has at home next to his wife. All this causes STRESS!!! The job itself adds to the stress. The military man has a hard time relaxing if in a combat zone. So tempers do rise when calling home because you have problems which seem so little to his everyday life in what he is going through. Enough of that..
Now when I call home to my wife I don't want to hear her problems she is having with the car, home, work, or the kids. It is nice to know about those things sometimes, but I cannot do anything to help her from my end. What I want to hear is: I miss you, I want to hold you, I can't wait until you get home, I am losing weight so I will look sexy for you when you arrive home, I saved extra money while you have been gone, kids are doing ok, but they miss you, how are you doing honey, are you thinking of me when you go to bed, my girlfriends want to do a "girls night out" and is it ok, I won't drink or drive because I want you coming home to me, etc....there are so many things you can add to this, but keep things positive. When I call the wife I don't want to fight, but hear good things to make my day/night/morning worth the time knowing I have a loving wife at home who waits every minute of the day to me coming home.
Don't get me wrong...we can relate to your story and have been there in the past when we were young and only been married less than 5 yrs. Wives don't understand military life and the military man doesn't understand what it is like for a wife at home without her husband. It takes times to adjust being gone, and again it will take time to adjust when coming home.
Coming home the stress is less, but sometimes it can be so less the military man gets edgy and short fused because he has been on the edge while deployed and that stimuli isn't there anymore so why not create it at home and sometimes the wife, kids, and work get a short fused solider.
Remember this when talking to him or writing him letters which a GI enjoys more than a phone call is a letter from the wife. Letters say so much more than a simple 15 min phone call. Men love letters from the wife and put a few sexy ones in there also...don't send pics if he is in the middle east...he can get in trouble for that.
Overall...what you are going through is normal and both of you are stressing at the same time. Keep your talk or letters positve and give him nothing to worry about home and he will be home someday back in your arms. You may think he isn't a military man because you know him the way you do, but inside of him he still is and he may not show you his work side around you, but a different man. We have our family face and work face.
Best of luck and hold in there!!0 -
I too have also been in your shoes! While it's been four years since he was over there, and is now honorably discharged, I still feel your pain! It is SO hard to listen to them. Not, the complaining, but the tone of their voice. YOU know something is wrong.... And you feel helpless, right? Well, the only thing I can tell you is to liston to him, feel for him, let him know you are there for him. Guys aren't big on the talk/emotins thing so maybe you should bring the subject up yourself? Tell him that you know he's struggling, and you want to be his crying shoulder. He doesn't need to worry about you being over burdened with his "crap" (not that it is crap, but that's probibly what HE thinks...). He probibly doesn't want to stress you, worry you so the only thing he can think of to save you from that is to not tell you how he feels, how he hurts, worries, is sad.... I know it sounds weird, but you need to be the stong one now, be his rock. When he comes home, he can go back to being the strong one....
No more angry hang ups.... Please, that's only going to stress both of you out more... Plus, I just think of the "what if".... I'm so not trying to be mean, so please don't take that the wrong way..... It's all coming from the . :flowerforyou:
Gosh, I hope you start to feel better soon... If you need to talk, I'm here for you - you can vent to me everyday if you want!!! hahhahaa. Hope what I said makes sence... I can ramble sometimes!
:flowerforyou:
Oh gosh, you got it exactly. Your post almost made me cry. Yesterday I told him that ending phone calls with hanging up is such a bad idea, especially considering every phone call could be our last. That is exactly how I feel about it. I don't mind him griping about things. I'm very open to that. But you are exactly right, his tone of voice is so sad. Even if the subject is changed to something else, he still sounds so unhappy. He sent me pictures of him over there and his eyes are so empty and distant. It completely broke my heart to see him like that.
Tomorrow is another day, and hopefully I can get better at this.
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I'm sorry that you are going through this. I would give him space and time, and just listen when he wants to talk. Did he realize how extreme the Marine Corp lifestyle is? My hubby did alot of research before he joined the military. He didn't want to sign up and regret it. I have learned that when things get tough at his job, etc to just support him and listen. Don't worry him with hardships that you may be facing ( that can be very tough though) and remind him of why he wanted to join in the first place maybe?
Being a military wife is not easy though. Hang in there and try not to lash out at each other. 0 -
I too have also been in your shoes! While it's been four years since he was over there, and is now honorably discharged, I still feel your pain! It is SO hard to listen to them. Not, the complaining, but the tone of their voice. YOU know something is wrong.... And you feel helpless, right? Well, the only thing I can tell you is to liston to him, feel for him, let him know you are there for him. Guys aren't big on the talk/emotins thing so maybe you should bring the subject up yourself? Tell him that you know he's struggling, and you want to be his crying shoulder. He doesn't need to worry about you being over burdened with his "crap" (not that it is crap, but that's probibly what HE thinks...). He probibly doesn't want to stress you, worry you so the only thing he can think of to save you from that is to not tell you how he feels, how he hurts, worries, is sad.... I know it sounds weird, but you need to be the stong one now, be his rock. When he comes home, he can go back to being the strong one....
No more angry hang ups.... Please, that's only going to stress both of you out more... Plus, I just think of the "what if".... I'm so not trying to be mean, so please don't take that the wrong way..... It's all coming from the . :flowerforyou:
Gosh, I hope you start to feel better soon... If you need to talk, I'm here for you - you can vent to me everyday if you want!!! hahhahaa. Hope what I said makes sence... I can ramble sometimes!
:flowerforyou:
Oh gosh, you got it exactly. Your post almost made me cry. Yesterday I told him that ending phone calls with hanging up is such a bad idea, especially considering every phone call could be our last. That is exactly how I feel about it. I don't mind him griping about things. I'm very open to that. But you are exactly right, his tone of voice is so sad. Even if the subject is changed to something else, he still sounds so unhappy. He sent me pictures of him over there and his eyes are so empty and distant. It completely broke my heart to see him like that.
Tomorrow is another day, and hopefully I can get better at this.
Ah, girl... You can get throug this! :flowerforyou: How long has it been since he left? I also wanted to tell you that my husband was also very unhappy in the millitary... We both did a little dance when he got discharged, which was just a week ago!
I was reading what Kim_Fryett's husband was writing... He hit it on the head right there! But, one thing that I remembered (while reading his post) doing for my hubby was sending him letters. He LOVED it! I also sent him wicked raunchy $ex letters:blushing: ..... Yeah, that totally helped! Try it, it'd be fun anyway! :devil:0 -
You may think he isn't a military man because you know him the way you do, but inside of him he still is and he may not show you his work side around you, but a different man. We have our family face and work face.
I met my husband at work. We worked together for a year.
With all due respect, my husband is not a lifer and does not have the mentality that you do. I appreciate everything you are trying to tell me. I am a Marine Brat and was raised by a lifer. I know lifers and I am very familiar with their values and beliefs.
I *KNOW* my husband does not share your feelings about this sense of being a "military man." I know because he tells me this everyday, lol.0 -
I don't blame you for feeling bad - deployments are tough. My husband was in the service for 20 years and now my son is also in and was just deployed to Afghanistan.
One thing to think about - they are at their jobs 24/7. It's not like they leave at the end of the day and drive home where they can put their feet up, relax, and watch TV or go out with you. It's tough for them and there aren't many breaks other than calling and talking to you. They want that call to make them feel like they got away from wherever they are for at least a few minutes.
I know how hard it is to swallow all of the "what about me and my sacrifices" feelings you have because it is really hard on the ones that are left behind. BUT - it is way harder for your husband and he needs you to be his nice place to go to get away from where he is.
It's easy to tell that you love your husband and just want him to feel better and be his old self again.Hang in there and take time to be nice to yourself. Go out with your friends, treat yourself to a manicure or pedicure, go shopping with a friend - whatever it takes to make yourself feel better.
The deployment won't last forever (although it may feel that way!) and you are doing a great job. Talking to him about not hanging up is a great first step. Hang in there and be there for him. He might not sound like he feels better (which is so frustrating) but you will make a huge difference for him. All the stuff about car repairs, bills to pay, and other problems can wait until he comes home.
Take care.
Cindy0 -
ccano ~ this is exactly why our country owes a debt of gratitude not only to our soldiers - but to their families for the emotional and physical sacrifices they all have to make. Deployment is difficult ~ for everyone. My prayers are with you and your husband. I'm proud of you for venting here - what a great safe place to seek help, I encourage you too, though, to take advantage of support programs available in the military or other organizations that supply services for military family members. You don't have to do this by yourself, and the more strength you gain from others in similiar circumstances, then the more stability you have not only for yourself, but for him too.
As for Kim_Fryett's husband, :drinker: that was the most honest, beautiful response I could imagine. Everyone who has a family member in the military should get a copy of that!!!0 -
What is a Military Wife? - For those who don't understand all we have to go through!!
Current mood: determined
Category: Life
What is a Military Wife?
They may look different and each is wonderfully unique
But this they have in common:lots of moving---
moving far from home,moving two cars, three kids and one dog----all riding with HER, of course
moving sofas to basements because they won't go in THIS housemoving curtains that won't fit
moving jobs and certifications and professional development hours
moving away from friends moving toward new friends
moving or storing her most important luggage: her trunk full of memories
often waiting---
waiting for housing
waiting for orders
waiting for deployment
waiting for reunion
waiting for phone calls
waiting for the new curtains to arrive
waiting for him to come home dinner.
They call her 'military dependent', but she knows better:
She can balance a checkbook,handle the yard work, and fix a noisy toilet.
She is intimately familiar with drywall, anchors,and toggle bolts.
She can file the taxes, sell a house, buy a car, or set up a move--all with ONE Power of Attorney.
She welcomes neighbors that don't welcome her.
Reinvents her career with every PCS;
locates a house in the desert, the arctic, the deep south or overseas and learns to call all 'home.'
She MAKES them all home.
is fiercely IN-dependent.
Military Wives are somewhat hasty---
They leap into decorating, leadership, volunteering, career alternatives, churches and friendships.
They don't have 15 years to get to know people.Their roots are short but flexible.
They plant annuals for themselves and perennials for those who come after them.
Military Wives quickly learn to value each other.
They connect over coffee, rely on the spouse-network, and accept offers of friendship and favors and record addresses in pencil.
Military Wives have a common bond---
The Military Wife has a husband unlike other husbands.
His commitment is unique. He doesn't have a job, he has a 'mission,' he can't just decide to quit.
He's on-call for his country 24/7 but for you, he's the most...
Unreliable guy in town...
His language is foreign: TDY, PCS, OPR, ACC, BDU
And so, a Military Wife is a translator for her family and his.
She is the long-distance link to keep them informed; the glue that holds them together.
Military Wife has her moments---
She wants to wring his neck, dye his uniform pink, and refuse to move to Siberia.
But she pulls herself together.Give her a few days, a travel brochure, a long hot bath, a pledge to the flag, and a wedding picture.
she goes. She packs.She moves.
She follows.
Why?
What for?
How come?
You may think it is because she has lost her mind.
But actually it is because she has lost her heart.
It was stolen from her by a man who puts duty first,who salutes the flag,
whose boots in the doorway remind her that as long as he is her Military husband,
She will remain his Military wife.0 -
I read the two blogs outloud that were posted to my wife Kim and she started to cry. I as a military man...I say that keeps a military man alive is his wife and family. Even if he don't want to be in the military, support from home keeps a military person strong.
I have found out in my 20+ yrs that makes a man want to leave the military is a lack of support from a wife. She hates where she lives, misses home, misses her man from home. I have lost a good 10 troops in the last 20 yrs due to wives being home sick.
The person who started this thread made me happy to read that she supports her man and trys to "fix" things. I give KUDOS to you MRS Military Wife because you support your husband and you are not thinking about yourself which most 50% wives do.
Keep strong and tell him how you feel if you are mad, depressed, sad, happy, excited, and write him MANY letters to let him know he is the number one man in your life. He may just look depressed and worn down because he is. If you feel phones calls cause fights then write letters. It gives you more time to think of your thoughts. Don't send it if you are angery....just re-write it when you calm down and edit it to a differnet version.
Believe me...he may hate the miltary way of life, but he only hates it because someone above him is an "A-Hole". I have found out those men who hate military life is because of home sickness (mama's boys), wife homesick, I like to do drugs, I like to be drunk all the time, I like to sleep in, I hate people telling me what to do, my boss sucks ( he will be gone in 2 yrs no matter what--no patience), etc.
I do believe your husband is a good military man and has gotten a raw deal in the past from someone else....been there done that. My wife has told me many times....thank-goodness for me being in the military. After getting off active duty and going reserves life was like welfare and food stamps. Many ups and downs with $$$$ and medical.
You tell him to find this type of job if he wants to punch out (he can cross train into the Air Force--much better quality of life).
1. Paycheck every 2 weeks
2. 30 days paid vacation per yr
3. medical insurance paid for
4. medical needs for free
5. family medical needs taken care of
6. Take his paycheck per month and divide by 160 hrs to get his hourly wage==no master degree or CEO?
7. The wife or kids are sick and needs to take care of family....he can get off work with no pay being docked or being fired
8. Family member dies and needs to leave home...emer leave and no missed pay
9. Fed holidays paid for
10. etc.
He finds a company that can do all of that and pay him $2K above what he makes now then I would say go for it. He is in a good place and may not even know about it. he is young and needs to grow up some more. Encourage him to grow....not to grow to be "I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it" type of guy...if so....then both of you might be doomed.
OK---I am done with this thread.....I write too much. LOL0 -
Jon, seriously, are you a career retention specialist?
The unfortunate thing about men in the military (especially when they've been in for a long time) is that they often fail to recognize that people are different. It's like they all seem to think, "if you're not happy being in the military then there must be something wrong with you." Sorry, but that's not the case. Some people just decide they don't like it. Period.
If you love the military, good for you. My husband doesn't, and will be pursuing a career that suits him better when it's his time to EAS. And since we are married, and we are equals, he and I will discuss our future and our career options together. I will not blindly follow him in whatever HE decides to do. That is not how marriage works. His current career creates a lifestyle that neither of us are happy with. Therefore, that has to be changed. Having said that, I know that means we will have to prepare for the day we will no longer be living on his military paycheck. And guess what? I'll do whatever it takes to make sure my husband and I aren't separated like this again.0 -
There's a lot of great advise here. I probably can't say anything further. I will tell you what I am doing. If I need to vent...about my day or the kids...I e-mail him. He can read it whenever he wants and I have officially released it.
When we're on the web cam, or any other form of talking to each other. It may sound silly, but most of the conversation is pretty...um, sensual. I can't wait to... I miss the smell of your... Guess what I just got for when you get home? That type of thing is pretty innocuous. I mean it's hard to fight in the middle of the googly mushy stuff, right?!
Likewise, my hubby works in Surgery. Now he's left home, and the OR here was C-sections, and knee replacements to working on battle injuries; things being blown off and such...that's a lot to deal with for anyone. If he needs to vent, he also knows to e-mail me with it. I don't tell him that I sorta scan but really try not to immerse myself in that. It's really depressing.
I don't know, but that is working for us right now. My Baby is in Iraq and I miss him bunches and that is always the end of any conversation. He needs to hear that I can't wait for him to come home. I hope that helps you out or at least gives you some ideas. And yes, I did buy some very pretty things for when he gets home and two sizes smaller than he left, so he's excited about it as am I.0 -
There's a lot of great advise here. I probably can't say anything further. I will tell you what I am doing. If I need to vent...about my day or the kids...I e-mail him. He can read it whenever he wants and I have officially released it.
When we're on the web cam, or any other form of talking to each other. It may sound silly, but most of the conversation is pretty...um, sensual. I can't wait to... I miss the smell of your... Guess what I just got for when you get home? That type of thing is pretty innocuous. I mean it's hard to fight in the middle of the googly mushy stuff, right?!
Likewise, my hubby works in Surgery. Now he's left home, and the OR here was C-sections, and knee replacements to working on battle injuries; things being blown off and such...that's a lot to deal with for anyone. If he needs to vent, he also knows to e-mail me with it. I don't tell him that I sorta scan but really try not to immerse myself in that. It's really depressing.
I don't know, but that is working for us right now. My Baby is in Iraq and I miss him bunches and that is always the end of any conversation. He needs to hear that I can't wait for him to come home. I hope that helps you out or at least gives you some ideas. And yes, I did buy some very pretty things for when he gets home and two sizes smaller than he left, so he's excited about it as am I.
Congrats on being two sizes smaller.
Do you have much longer before he gets home? 0 -
August...still time to lose a bit more.0
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How long do you have left?0
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How long do you have left?
He is on a year long deployment. So Jan-Feb time frame next year. Fortunately he does get a break about "halfway" through. He'll get to come home for two weeks. We're thinking in August. I'm SO excited for that. He is going to be so overwhelmed with lovin' he's not going to know what to do with himself. :smooched: hehe
It looks like we both have a little bit of a journey before August. :flowerforyou: Here's to us both!!!0 -
Jon, seriously, are you a career retention specialist?
The unfortunate thing about men in the military (especially when they've been in for a long time) is that they often fail to recognize that people are different. It's like they all seem to think, "if you're not happy being in the military then there must be something wrong with you." Sorry, but that's not the case. Some people just decide they don't like it. Period.
If you love the military, good for you. My husband doesn't, and will be pursuing a career that suits him better when it's his time to EAS. And since we are married, and we are equals, he and I will discuss our future and our career options together. I will not blindly follow him in whatever HE decides to do. That is not how marriage works. His current career creates a lifestyle that neither of us are happy with. Therefore, that has to be changed. Having said that, I know that means we will have to prepare for the day we will no longer be living on his military paycheck. And guess what? I'll do whatever it takes to make sure my husband and I aren't separated like this again.
You are totally right on your view points. Everybody is different. I got out at my 10 yr mark with the same attitude you guys have right now. 2 yrs later I kicked myself in the rear because I didn't know I had it so good in some areas. So I re-joined into the reserves and guard which only means Parttime military. We still have to deploy now-and-then.
To each his own...best of luck with your future together and your weight loss program. You guys will survive.0 -
I can't give you advice on what to do. There are lots of places to get help.
I will tell you for me my mood swings so much now that I'm on a ship and I get pissed super fast and my wife is home not understanding what I'm going through most of the time I don't understand what I'm going through, plus while on deployment I'm in a whole nother world, that I can't and don't want to talk about.
Most of the time I'm a real *kitten* to my wife, I'm not trying to be it just happens, I aways have to come back and say I'm sorry which make me shut up and not talk to her at all, feeding the fire.
A military life is hard, the best thing my wife does for me is just what you said you do, she sends me stuff and writes me lettles when I'm home she is there just to give me hugs.
best of luck.0 -
Well, said it once, I'll say it again..it sucks...no matter what you do. :flowerforyou: Being away from your loved one just plain sucks...you are away from him and he is away from you. Not everyone is made for every job, and having someone career military compare notes with someone in a short period of time is apples and oranges IMO. My husband is ARMY,,,through and through,,,he lives and breathes it and has for the past 20 years. Ask him to sit under a tree and draw while listening to an IPOD...he'd fall asleep in 3 minutes or go crazy, one of the two. He is as sensitive as a rock, honest to God wrapped a Christmas present for me one year with 100 mile hr/tape (to really solidfy the 100% army point..) But he is damn good at his job, and loves every minute of it. Sometimes a job teaches you as much what you don't want to do as what you do want to do. Your hubbys job happened to come with a stint in the sandbox:frown: You will both get through it and move on, to something that suits you better and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Different strokes..
And my 2 cents about the unhappy husband is what another poster said, keep it as light and as happy whenever possible on the phone and letters. My husband is a fixer, if I have a problem and he can't fix it, he is upset...which generally makes him a butthead. I don't want or need him to fix anything most times, but it is his nature. The times I have unloaded on him from far away, I made him feel worse because he couldn't fix it for me. He has plenty to keep his mind occupied where he is, so the burden to keep things as positive as possible falls right on you...like I said, it sucks, welcome to the wonderfull life of the military wife:grumble: . Smile on the phone with him, hang up and yell, scream, throw a few things, come here and vent,,,whatever you can do. Takes a strong man to be in the military, it takes a stronger woman to back him up...you are strong and will get through this.0 -
AmenWell, said it once, I'll say it again..it sucks...no matter what you do. :flowerforyou: Being away from your loved one just plain sucks...you are away from him and he is away from you. Not everyone is made for every job, and having someone career military compare notes with someone in a short period of time is apples and oranges IMO. My husband is ARMY,,,through and through,,,he lives and breathes it and has for the past 20 years. Ask him to sit under a tree and draw while listening to an IPOD...he'd fall asleep in 3 minutes or go crazy, one of the two. He is as sensitive as a rock, honest to God wrapped a Christmas present for me one year with 100 mile hr/tape (to really solidfy the 100% army point..) But he is damn good at his job, and loves every minute of it. Sometimes a job teaches you as much what you don't want to do as what you do want to do. Your hubbys job happened to come with a stint in the sandbox:frown: You will both get through it and move on, to something that suits you better and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Different strokes..
And my 2 cents about the unhappy husband is what another poster said, keep it as light and as happy whenever possible on the phone and letters. My husband is a fixer, if I have a problem and he can't fix it, he is upset...which generally makes him a butthead. I don't want or need him to fix anything most times, but it is his nature. The times I have unloaded on him from far away, I made him feel worse because he couldn't fix it for me. He has plenty to keep his mind occupied where he is, so the burden to keep things as positive as possible falls right on you...like I said, it sucks, welcome to the wonderfull life of the military wife:grumble: . Smile on the phone with him, hang up and yell, scream, throw a few things, come here and vent,,,whatever you can do. Takes a strong man to be in the military, it takes a stronger woman to back him up...you are strong and will get through this.0 -
Well, said it once, I'll say it again..it sucks...no matter what you do. :flowerforyou: Being away from your loved one just plain sucks...you are away from him and he is away from you. Not everyone is made for every job, and having someone career military compare notes with someone in a short period of time is apples and oranges IMO. My husband is ARMY,,,through and through,,,he lives and breathes it and has for the past 20 years. Ask him to sit under a tree and draw while listening to an IPOD...he'd fall asleep in 3 minutes or go crazy, one of the two. He is as sensitive as a rock, honest to God wrapped a Christmas present for me one year with 100 mile hr/tape (to really solidfy the 100% army point..) But he is damn good at his job, and loves every minute of it. Sometimes a job teaches you as much what you don't want to do as what you do want to do. Your hubbys job happened to come with a stint in the sandbox:frown: You will both get through it and move on, to something that suits you better and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Different strokes..
And my 2 cents about the unhappy husband is what another poster said, keep it as light and as happy whenever possible on the phone and letters. My husband is a fixer, if I have a problem and he can't fix it, he is upset...which generally makes him a butthead. I don't want or need him to fix anything most times, but it is his nature. The times I have unloaded on him from far away, I made him feel worse because he couldn't fix it for me. He has plenty to keep his mind occupied where he is, so the burden to keep things as positive as possible falls right on you...like I said, it sucks, welcome to the wonderfull life of the military wife:grumble: . Smile on the phone with him, hang up and yell, scream, throw a few things, come here and vent,,,whatever you can do. Takes a strong man to be in the military, it takes a stronger woman to back him up...you are strong and will get through this.
Thank you for everything you said. I think I'll be trying my best to keep my little vents off this forum. I'm usually fine within 24 hours and feeling kinda like a tard for writing anything here. :laugh:
Your Christmas present story is so funny! On our first Christmas, my husband and I had only been dating for two months. He was downstairs wrapping all of the gifts he bought me and wouldn't let me come downstairs. It took FOR-EV-ER because he was meticulously wrapping them with beautiful paper and then tying matching ribbon around each box. He made sure to make neat, pretty bows on top of each box. I can't stress enough how NOT-MILITARY my husband is, haha. Not that there is anything wrong with a guy who IS gung-ho military. It's just that my poor hubby really isn't, and is going to be a tortured soul until the day he can take off his boots for good. :-P
That being said, he did just find out that his SSgt wants to put him up for an award. :drinker: We are also thinking he will come back a higher rank than when he left. Whoo!! 0 -
I can't give you advice on what to do. There are lots of places to get help.
I will tell you for me my mood swings so much now that I'm on a ship and I get pissed super fast and my wife is home not understanding what I'm going through most of the time I don't understand what I'm going through, plus while on deployment I'm in a whole nother world, that I can't and don't want to talk about.
Most of the time I'm a real *kitten* to my wife, I'm not trying to be it just happens, I aways have to come back and say I'm sorry which make me shut up and not talk to her at all, feeding the fire.
A military life is hard, the best thing my wife does for me is just what you said you do, she sends me stuff and writes me lettles when I'm home she is there just to give me hugs.
best of luck.
I know you said you couldn't give me advice, but your second paragraph is a huge help. What you wrote sounds very similar to what my husband says.
This deployment thing is proving to be quite an experience. A life-changing one. A relationship-changing one. I know it's still so early on in the deployment, but I can sense that we are going to grow so much. Sometimes I forget how young we are, plus...we are newlyweds. Everyday I feel closer to him and I feel our bond is stronger. Something I really needed was to learn how to be in a relationship, but be okay with being alone. This deployment is forcing that life lesson on me. I have always been a very needy girl. I needed constant attention, plus I was emotionally needy! Relying on one phone call a day was hard at first, but it has done wonders to calm down all of my needy tendencies. And putting his needs before mine has been a very important part of that process also.
I love him and I'm really proud to be his wife...he is seriously great and sometimes I don't know what I did to deserve him.0 -
You may think he isn't a military man because you know him the way you do, but inside of him he still is and he may not show you his work side around you, but a different man. We have our family face and work face.
I met my husband at work. We worked together for a year.
With all due respect, my husband is not a lifer and does not have the mentality that you do. I appreciate everything you are trying to tell me. I am a Marine Brat and was raised by a lifer. I know lifers and I am very familiar with their values and beliefs.
I *KNOW* my husband does not share your feelings about this sense of being a "military man." I know because he tells me this everyday, lol.
I think I missed if you ever mentioned this....
Why did he join?0
This discussion has been closed.
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