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Postcard from one Redneck to another Dear Billy Jo, I'm writin' this real slow cause I know you can't read very fast. We don't live where we did when you left. We read in the paper that most accidents happen within ten miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you our new address cause the last family that lived here took the house numbers with them so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day mama put four shirts in, pulled the chain and we ain't seen them since. ... It only rained here twice this week. Three days the first time and five days the second time. I know it is cold where you are so we're sending you a coat. Mama said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with them buttons on it, so we cut'em off and put'em in the pockets. We got a letter from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on grandma's funeral bill, up she comes!! My sister had a baby this morning. I ain't heard whether if's a boy or a girl so I don't know if I'm an uncle or an aunt. Uncle John fell in the big whiskey vat. When they tried to pull him out, he fought them off, so he drowned. We creamated him and he burned for three days. Three of my friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck. One was driving, the other two was in the back. The driver got out cause he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they couldn't get the tailgate down. Well, I hope this catches you up on things that's going on around here!! Your cuz, Bubba
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LOL!0
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Oh my gosh... I can't... this is... oh my gosh... no... hahahahaahahaa :sad: I haven't read a funnier joke! Thanks for sharing!0
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I want to hear your jokes, too! Feeling liitle blah tonight and I need a good laugh.What ya got?0
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A friend on FB posted this one earlier tonight.
A mom went into her daughters room. It nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children. Your daughter, Judith ... PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.0 -
An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years.?"
"Yes," he replies. "Fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds."
"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?"
So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago."
"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"0 -
Blonde Power
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
... They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the University of Kentucky School of Law and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from "University of Louisville" and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."0 -
An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!" Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen." From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen." This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93. Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!" The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest. But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said - "I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week.0
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husband and wife driving down the road arguing..they pass a cow pasture and the husband says "relatives of yours?" wife said yeah...in-laws!0
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Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son, Anthony, for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.'' About a week later, Tina came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure. " So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read: Dear son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Mama.
Moral: Never lie to your Mama
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A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: 'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman... He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate... Awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, Fed them breakfast, Packed their lunches, Drove them to school, Came home and picked up the dry cleaning, Took it to the cleaners And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, Went grocery shopping, Then drove home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog... Then, it was already 1 P.M. And he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, Dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, He cleaned the kitchen, Ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: - Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, Oh! Please, let us trade back.. Amen!' The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. But you'll have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night0
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A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant.
... I'll be home before midnight. -Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:"Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18- year-old pool boy.
Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Don't wait up. -Your Wife!!!!0 -
The guys were all at hunting camp. No one wanted to room with Bruce, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. Dave was the first guy who shared with Bruce and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bruce snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night it was Greeny's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bruce shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night." The third night was Glenn's turn. Glenn was a tanned, older bloke, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bruce into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bruce sat up and watched me all night." With age comes wisdom!!!0 -
guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"
... ... ... "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"
"Didn't feel a thing0 -
THE BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER! Dear Wife, I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! —— Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.0
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The guys were all at hunting camp. No one wanted to room with Bruce, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. Dave was the first guy who shared with Bruce and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bruce snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night it was Greeny's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bruce shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night." The third night was Glenn's turn. Glenn was a tanned, older bloke, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bruce into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bruce sat up and watched me all night." With age comes wisdom!!!
That one was great!!0 -
Oh My Goodness !!!!! I was in the public toilets and had just sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi !, how are you ?" Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine". The voice said "So what are you up to ?". I said, "Just doing the same as you, sitting here !". From next door, "Can I come over?". Annoyed, I said " rather busy right now". The voice said, "Listen, i will have to call you back, there's an idiot next door answering all my questions".0
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That last one was good too. Well it's been fun, but I have to go to bed. I'll admit that I stole all of mine from my FB friends. They were having a good night. Keep on laughing! :laugh:0
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There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife..."When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!"
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my
word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it."0 -
A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off." "Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?" "OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. White exclaims, "He's pissing in the fridge again0 -
6 different good advice
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP. 2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK. 3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS -- SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER. 4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON. 5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH. 6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE -- WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE0
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