Weight Loss is Ruining my Marriage

tiktak27
tiktak27 Posts: 9
edited October 3 in Motivation and Support
When I met my husband, I was a big girl, 230 pounds and after we got married I ballooned up to 260+ pounds. He always told me my weight didn't matter and he didn't marry me for my body, he married me for who I was inside. As I became increasingly desperate to lose weight, he at first didn't support me and sabotaged me at every chance. I put my foot down and now he supports me and my goals. Our sex life was really never that great, we only ever had it about once a week or less, I assumed because of my weight he just wasn't that into me, so I really pushed hard to lose weight to see if it would improve, it hasn't, if anything it's gotten worse. The other problem has become, I've lost 45 pounds now, and I dress better, I DO NOT wear sexy/revealing clothes, I wear graphic tees and jeans, some jewelry, sometimes a dress always just above the knee or below, fix my hair, wear a little bit of make up (eyeliner) and now he gets angry at me for wearing make up, saying that I wouldn't get flirted with so much when I go out if I didn't "flaunt my beauty" in front of other men. I don't feel I'm "flaunting" anything, I'm just there, dressed like a regular person, I just happen to fit the "pretty" mold now and I he hates it.

I think he's scared and jealous, and all I want is for ~him~ to flirt with me, make love to me, notice me, but all my efforts seem to be in vain. We fight constantly, mostly because I start them, I'm angry that he doesn't want to do the things that I want to do. All he wants to do is stay home and play video games and watch movies, he never wants to go out, never spends time with friends (his or mine) it's always been this way and I guess I thought I would be able to bring him along with me to social events, but he won't go and it is crushing me. I want to have my husband to spend time with, enjoying time with friends, being in love and happy, and neither one of us is... I feel like an old lady and I'm in my 20's, my weight loss seems to have made everything worse, or maybe it's made me realize that I deserve to have those things? Maybe my low self confidence from being over weight made me feel I didn't deserve those things and now that I feel better I'm wanting them because I realize that I deserve to be treated with love and respect. I think we need to go to marriage counseling but I haven't brought it up yet, I want to fix this! I'm just afraid I can't.
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Replies

  • billsica
    billsica Posts: 4,741 Member
    Ok, I couldn't even make it though all this. Sorry. All I can say, is welcome to the club.
  • Kohadre
    Kohadre Posts: 316
    No offense intended, but your husband sounds like a Grade-AAA Prick

    Edit:

    And yes, you do deserve to be fit and happy, and have an active social life. Not sure what your husband's issue is but he defiantly has one for sure.
  • bmw4deb
    bmw4deb Posts: 1,324 Member
    Always put yourself first, sounds like he has some security issues
    i have the same problems with my Hubby they have gotten a little better
    and he now actually goes places with me !!! I believe its because he knows
    if he dos'nt I will still go. not sure how it will all work out in the end but I will
    not bend to his childish tantrums, good luck
  • SailingMike
    SailingMike Posts: 237 Member
    Tell him everything you have written here. Talk to him about your feelings and how you want to be a healthy you. If he honestly doesn't care about your outside, it shouldn't matter if your outside is big or small!
  • Smartsassy61
    Smartsassy61 Posts: 3
    I was already divorced when I started my weight loss venture. But this has happened to other women in my support group.
    I read that if you were a large women when you got married, there's something like an 85% chance the marriage won't last if you lose a lot of weight. Compared to about 50% for anyone getting married these days.
    On of my bariatric friends is young and adorable. She ended up meeting someone else who adores her. He doesn't want her to have reconstructive surgery--he loves her the way she is right now. She's now due in February. I was afraid she'd freak out seeing her body get bigger again, but she is fine. She's in love--and for the first time since she was in high school--she loves herself.
    If your husband's lack of attention is making your marriage miserable, first, talk to him. Suggest counseling possibly. If that doesn't work, consider your own future.
    It's not your weight loss that's ruining your marriage. I think there were problems before that happened.
    I wish you the best.
  • bethdris
    bethdris Posts: 1,090 Member
    It sounds like he is jealous and has low self confidence. I would bring up marriage counciling and see how he reacts. You sound upset (and granted, I would be too).

    Is he heavy? I had this problem with my husband but on a lesser level. I FINALLY got my husband on the boat and he joined MFP. I'm just hoping he sticks with it.

    I think there were already underlying issues, the weight loss was the "icing" on the cake. Kudos to you for keep going!!
  • melaniecheeks
    melaniecheeks Posts: 6,349 Member
    Have you managed to explain all those points to him calmly and clearly (without yelling)?

    Communication is key in any relationship, and it sounds like he's not understanding your changed motives and ideas. Maybe take them one at a time, not all in a rush.
  • LadyMarylou
    LadyMarylou Posts: 43 Member
    I'm sure you deserve better.. all the work you did on yourself is for the goal of a healthy and happy life..
    If he's not proud of you..and not happy for you to feel good with yourself.. he has big problems in his head!
  • ivansmomma
    ivansmomma Posts: 500
    This is not any reflection on you. You are gaining the confidence and self-esteem, and your husband, from what you have written, sounds like he has a very serious low self-esteem problem. He's afraid that since you are losing weight, other men will start looking at you and that makes him feel very uncomfortable and jealous. A friend of mine had this happen to her, after she lost weight, and her husband couldn't accept it. Counseling is the way to go for this, and hopefully he will participate. You want to lose the weight, become more healthy, and live longer. Even though you are married, you have to take care of yourself. Take care and God bless.
  • tiktak27
    tiktak27 Posts: 9
    No offense intended, but your husband sounds like a Grade-AAA Prick

    Edit:

    And yes, you do deserve to be fit and happy, and have an active social life. Not sure what your husband's issue is but he defiantly has one for sure.

    I just am tired of sitting around in my house all the time waiting for him to get with the program, so I go out with my friends, we don't even go to bars or anything like that, we just go to parks to draw, go to the mall, (no I don't buy things, just window shopping) it's not like I have the "I'm fit and pretty now and want to party bug" I just want to spend time with good friends, enjoying life, having conversations. I don't want to sit at home and rot away.
  • tiktak27
    tiktak27 Posts: 9
    It sounds like he is jealous and has low self confidence. I would bring up marriage counciling and see how he reacts. You sound upset (and granted, I would be too).

    Is he heavy? I had this problem with my husband but on a lesser level. I FINALLY got my husband on the boat and he joined MFP. I'm just hoping he sticks with it.

    I think there were already underlying issues, the weight loss was the "icing" on the cake. Kudos to you for keep going!!

    No he's not big, he is a stick lol, I mean since we got married he put on a few, but he was waaaay under weight when we met and everyone thinks he looks so much better now, and I agree. He thinks he needs to lose a few and I am so there to support him if/when he decides to.
  • lmelangley
    lmelangley Posts: 1,039 Member
    It sounds like your husband has never been a go out and have fun kind of guy, and maybe you weren't a go out and have fun kind of girl before. As we age, we change. Significant things in our life - like losing weight - also make us change. When folks are together - married or in a committed relationship - they sometimes change together, but sometimes diverge onto separate paths. I think you're right - you need marriage counseling to make each other aware of your separate needs. This is a vary difficult time for you, obviously, and I wish you all the luck in the world.
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,393 Member
    You can't change him, but you can get counseling.
  • chevy88grl
    chevy88grl Posts: 3,937 Member
    It sounds to me like he's very insecure. He is worried you'll lose the weight, get in shape and decide he isn't good enough for you.

    Have you tried to sit down and actually talk to him about this? Not in confrontational way - just asking.

    My ex-husband was a sit at home and play video games kind of guy. He never wanted to go out and do anything -- not even go to the mall and just look around. It drove me crazy that he never wanted to go out and do anything. He would much rather sit in front of the tv or computer. Some people just prefer to do this and perhaps now that you're losing weight and feeling more secure with yourself - you're changing. Not saying that you're turning into a party animal or anything. But, you want to go out and enjoy your life now.

    It may be that you guys just aren't as compatible as you once were - it happens, unfortunately.
  • Joannguido
    Joannguido Posts: 67
    yeah, so he sounds insecure. You are so young, nip it in the bud. Sit down and share your feelings with him. Ask him to join you on your venture. go for a walk, join a gym together, make it a couples journey. Tell him that you are doing this for your health. You would like to be around for kids and him. I am married for 38 years and trust me I have been there. My husband takes enough pills that I swear I am living with a 90 year old man. I joined a gym, he got mad, I told him I want to see my grandchildren get married. If he wanted to come then join me. He joined the gym, I go every other day, he goes whenever. You have to do this for you, your health, your life. Is he heavy? Maybe his DR can scare him Good luck
  • athenawho
    athenawho Posts: 253
    I'm a little nervous that once I get to that "oh she's lost that much weight, she looks like a thin person now" stage that my overweight boyfriend will start getting jealous of the way I interact with the opposite sex, seeing as I have a lot of male friends he's never been that jealous, but now that I've lost some weight I can see the littlest hints that those feelings might come out.


    Right now he's in the "you've lost a bit, now I have to lose so I can keep up with you" but I don't care if he loses or not.

    ...plus it feels like he wants to lose weight for me, but I don't care, he needs to want to lose weight for himself not for another person.
  • tiktak27
    tiktak27 Posts: 9
    Have you managed to explain all those points to him calmly and clearly (without yelling)?

    Communication is key in any relationship, and it sounds like he's not understanding your changed motives and ideas. Maybe take them one at a time, not all in a rush.

    We have been having lots of calm but sad talks lately, mostly with me crying and him getting angry, I haven't brought up every point I covered here, just the I need you to pay attention to me parts. He seems to be trying but it's not as much as I would like, he still sits around on his 3-4 days off a week and doesn't want to do anything... (he works 36-40 hours a week in a 3 day period) yes, I know he's tired, but I usually don't bug him til he's rested for 2 WHOLE days, and then he still doesn't want to go anywhere on his other 2 days off.
  • trelm249
    trelm249 Posts: 777 Member
    Sorry you are going through this Tiktak.

    It sounds to me like a respect issue. he doesn't respect you and is being selfish. He should admire your success. He controlled you and now he doesn't. This scares him.

    Get to counseling and drag his sorry *kitten* there as well. Check out Mark Driscoll's series called the Peasant Princess if that is not inconsistent with your faith.

    In all of this, do right.
  • tiktak27
    tiktak27 Posts: 9
    This is not any reflection on you. You are gaining the confidence and self-esteem, and your husband, from what you have written, sounds like he has a very serious low self-esteem problem. He's afraid that since you are losing weight, other men will start looking at you and that makes him feel very uncomfortable and jealous. A friend of mine had this happen to her, after she lost weight, and her husband couldn't accept it. Counseling is the way to go for this, and hopefully he will participate. You want to lose the weight, become more healthy, and live longer. Even though you are married, you have to take care of yourself. Take care and God bless.

    I felt like I was crazy, I feel like he thinks I am cheating on him or going to cheat on him, and I am not, I don't even flirt back with the guys that ~try~ to flirt with me, not even the good looking ones!!! I always bring up my husband and how much I love him and make them feel as awkward as they make me feel. Maybe I should tell my husband that... I guess I'm just tired of fending off men on my own, I want him to be there with me, to make me feel safe and he's not.
  • marialynnporter
    marialynnporter Posts: 95 Member
    when you go out don't tell him that some guy was checking you out or flirting with you or said something to that made you feel good about your self. i think he is scared that now you are losing the weight starting to look good and wearing makeup that you will find someone better them him. he might say that he is not worried but it's a lie! maybe he doesnt want to go out with friends... so just take it step by step. once a month or once every other week go out to dinner or the movies together and just have a date. and have you ever tryed talking to him about how you feel? if you did talk to him about how you feel and he still acts like this then he will never change and he is just jealous. show him how much you love him and tell him whats on your mind. and tell him your doing this for your self. for your health and to make your self happy and not others.
  • Zeromilediet
    Zeromilediet Posts: 787 Member
    Off the top I'd say there's other dynamics going on and the personal growth and weight loss accomplishments are just bringing them out. As was suggested (because it sounds like he's not listening), you might want to consider counselling and if he won't go, then go by yourself. Both of you have needs that aren't being met and that's sad.
  • tiktak27
    tiktak27 Posts: 9
    yeah, so he sounds insecure. You are so young, nip it in the bud. Sit down and share your feelings with him. Ask him to join you on your venture. go for a walk, join a gym together, make it a couples journey. Tell him that you are doing this for your health. You would like to be around for kids and him. I am married for 38 years and trust me I have been there. My husband takes enough pills that I swear I am living with a 90 year old man. I joined a gym, he got mad, I told him I want to see my grandchildren get married. If he wanted to come then join me. He joined the gym, I go every other day, he goes whenever. You have to do this for you, your health, your life. Is he heavy? Maybe his DR can scare him Good luck

    He's not over weight, so he can't be afraid due to his weight that I'll leave him, he is a bit nerdy, but I love nerdy guys, hence why I married him. The only things I don't like about our marriage is lack of going out together, lack of intimate time, and that's about it. Which I think is pretty important in a marriage!!! What's the point of being married if your S/O will not spend time with you?
  • heartfixx2
    heartfixx2 Posts: 1
    A partner is supposed to be just that......1/2 of you. If he is not, then he never was...fat or thin.
  • tiktak27
    tiktak27 Posts: 9
    when you go out don't tell him that some guy was checking you out or flirting with you or said something to that made you feel good about your self. i think he is scared that now you are losing the weight starting to look good and wearing makeup that you will find someone better them him. he might say that he is not worried but it's a lie! maybe he doesnt want to go out with friends... so just take it step by step. once a month or once every other week go out to dinner or the movies together and just have a date. and have you ever tryed talking to him about how you feel? if you did talk to him about how you feel and he still acts like this then he will never change and he is just jealous. show him how much you love him and tell him whats on your mind. and tell him your doing this for your self. for your health and to make your self happy and not others.

    I don't tell him every time it happens, because it happens A LOT, and I know it makes him feel bad, know I'm not unattractive, because my friends and these strangers tell me I'm not, (his lack of intimacy makes me feel that way) so I wonder what the problem is with our intimacy levels, I don't find him unattractive, he's very handsome, and I know I'm not the only one who feels that way! I've had to drop quite a few girlfriends because they were interested in my husband. So I'm not sure why he feels so insecure, maybe he doesn't like the way he looks? I tell him how attractive he is and tease him jokingly when a girl is OBVIOUSLY flirting with him. I used to be a jealous sort when I was bigger when these pretty skinny, girls would flirt with him, but now that I get flirted with too, I realize that they're not a threat because just because someone else is interested in you doesn't mean you're interested back!
  • tiktak27
    tiktak27 Posts: 9
    It sounds like your husband has never been a go out and have fun kind of guy, and maybe you weren't a go out and have fun kind of girl before. As we age, we change. Significant things in our life - like losing weight - also make us change. When folks are together - married or in a committed relationship - they sometimes change together, but sometimes diverge onto separate paths. I think you're right - you need marriage counseling to make each other aware of your separate needs. This is a vary difficult time for you, obviously, and I wish you all the luck in the world.

    I have always always been a go out and have fun kind of girl!!! Over the years as my weight packed on I went less than I used to, to social events, because I was ashamed of how big I was and didn't want anyone to see me. Now I feel like I'm me again, I have so much energy and he KNEW when we got married that I was a go out and have fun kind of girl. When I say have fun, I mean, bike rides in the park with friends, church social events, movies, going out to eat, all sorts of things, none of them are bad or destructive activities!

    I haven't "changed" if anything I'm back to who I was when he first met me. I feel like he wants me to stay in his little safety bubble and never have fun or meet new friends. I'm sick of sitting around being a lump on a log, I don't want to waste my life being a home body, and I want him to join me!
  • AussieGem
    AussieGem Posts: 96 Member
    There could be many reasons why he is acting the way he is towards your success.

    He could be insecure as suggested before and worried you'll lose the weight, get in shape and decide he isn't good enough for you. Another reason could be that he may feel things are changing, some people are uncomfortable with change, he may feel 'confronted' (for lack of a better word). As you said, all he wants to do is watch movies, play video games and be a couch potato and it has always been that way. He may feel like you are also trying to change him??

    You just need to sit down with him and talk, atleast you will know what is actually going on in your marriage and then go from there. I know it is a tricky situation, but at the end of the day you have to be happy and confident in your own skin - afterall is only your life. Good luck!!
  • dmpizza
    dmpizza Posts: 3,321 Member
    i don't think your husband's behavior has anything to do with your size. I think you are making an incorrect association.
    You should keeping trying to be healthy(and thinner) and outgoing, no matter what he does.
    Good Luck, none of those goals are easy.
  • tiktak27
    tiktak27 Posts: 9
    I was already divorced when I started my weight loss venture. But this has happened to other women in my support group.
    I read that if you were a large women when you got married, there's something like an 85% chance the marriage won't last if you lose a lot of weight. Compared to about 50% for anyone getting married these days.
    On of my bariatric friends is young and adorable. She ended up meeting someone else who adores her. He doesn't want her to have reconstructive surgery--he loves her the way she is right now. She's now due in February. I was afraid she'd freak out seeing her body get bigger again, but she is fine. She's in love--and for the first time since she was in high school--she loves herself.
    If your husband's lack of attention is making your marriage miserable, first, talk to him. Suggest counseling possibly. If that doesn't work, consider your own future.
    It's not your weight loss that's ruining your marriage. I think there were problems before that happened.
    I wish you the best.

    I think you're right, but I was just too chicken to stand up for myself before, because I didn't love me so I didn't feel I deserved to be happy. Now I do love me, I love all of me, I am happy with how I look for the first time ever and I want to have fun and have friends and take my husband with me, I don't want a divorce, I want him to simply notice me, and go out with me and when he does I feel amazing, I feel like yes, I finally have the marriage I wanted. But it never lasts, we always have this fight, I want to be more intimate with you, I want to go out and do things with you, he'll do something about it for about 2 weeks to a month, after that it goes right back to how it always is, once a week, maybe, and sitting at home in our house doing nothing. I feel like he's content to waste his life on the couch, and I'm not. I'm also not content to allow him to waste his and it seems to make him angry that I think he's wasting his life? It's not that video games aren't fun, and that I don't enjoy movies, but when he sits down and literally wants to have all day movie/video game marathons, I get frustrated and fed up. I don't like sitting down all day, I never did enjoy it I only did it because I had gotten too fat and it hurt to move.
  • rachel1496
    rachel1496 Posts: 65
    It sounds like your husband has never been a go out and have fun kind of guy, and maybe you weren't a go out and have fun kind of girl before. As we age, we change. Significant things in our life - like losing weight - also make us change. When folks are together - married or in a committed relationship - they sometimes change together, but sometimes diverge onto separate paths. I think you're right - you need marriage counseling to make each other aware of your separate needs. This is a vary difficult time for you, obviously, and I wish you all the luck in the world.

    I have always always been a go out and have fun kind of girl!!! Over the years as my weight packed on I went less than I used to, to social events, because I was ashamed of how big I was and didn't want anyone to see me. Now I feel like I'm me again, I have so much energy and he KNEW when we got married that I was a go out and have fun kind of girl. When I say have fun, I mean, bike rides in the park with friends, church social events, movies, going out to eat, all sorts of things, none of them are bad or destructive activities!

    I haven't "changed" if anything I'm back to who I was when he first met me. I feel like he wants me to stay in his little safety bubble and never have fun or meet new friends. I'm sick of sitting around being a lump on a log, I don't want to waste my life being a home body, and I want him to join me!

    Has he always been a go out and have fun kind of guy or has he always been a homebody?
  • kandrews24
    kandrews24 Posts: 610 Member
    I doubt he'll be interestd in counseling, but before you throw in the towel, I'd start doing for him, what you want him to do for you. In otherwords, I'd go overboard with sexting, and making romantic dinners, and walk out to make him breakfast on Saturday morning in lingerie, and initiate more often and do things that you haven't done before in the bedroom, like initiate and other little sexy things. See if he responds. Try to make small comments like that you hope he noticed your new jeans cause you bought them for him, etc. My thinking is that if you can make him feel secure and that you are attracted to him and want him to notice you, he might get on board. It is worth a try. It can't get worse and it might be a lot of fun!
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