Please help me understand....motivation/support

kshama2001 wrote: »

Here on MFP when people start a thread asking how they can find motivation I reply with this: http://www.wisdomination.com/screw-motivation-what-you-need-is-discipline/

Not sure if that applies or would be wise for the OP

collinsje1 wrote: »

AnnPT77 wrote: »

I think there probably as many meanings as people saying that, but also that there may be two broad answers, generic and specific (and maybe 3, because I'm an interfering, opinionated little ol' lady).

Generically, I think people ask for support or motivation here (from others) because they feel a little lost, maybe have failed before, have bought into the myths that losing weight has to involve suffering (because fat is a sin we need to expiate?!?) so they know they will find it hard to stick through the suffering (extreme diets, punitive exercise regimens), and they are hoping someone else can throw them a lifeline. So many people want to find the weird trick, the hack, the magic, the answer. They may implicitly want it to require not much change in routine habits, because change itself is hard.

As an aside, you will see old-timers here periodically answer some of these requests with "use methods that aren't so radical and unpleasant that they require constant motivation". (I'm 100% one of those old-timers.)

A few - I think/hope not most - may also be creating a situation where they have some external person/thing to attribute eventual failure to, so that they can preserve their self-image as someone who tried really, really hard against what turned out to be insurmountable odds. (I'm not saying that's blameful. It's very human. I do think it's sad: In a sense, self-disempowering.)

That said, it's also true that succeeding at something like weight management, fitness or health improvement is objectively harder if one's whole regular social context doesn't do or support those things. For a time, I used newsletters and reading in responsible web sites to get some of that context, and - big time! - the MFP community.

Specifically, within a couple, I agree with others that a support request means things like "don't sabotage me" or a bit more positive variation on that. That would include things like not offering/urging food treats, not flaunting your (probably higher) calorie level or progress, diplomatically asking if she wants to be included when you . . . I dunno, go for a walk, or try a new veggie, or whatever . . . then not fussing if she's not ready for that. I do think people need to find their own path, to a large extent.

That third thing: "Support me but I won't say how" is to me a communicational red flag, a general orientation that can affect other parts of partnered life. I'm not sure how to get around that, short of something like couples' counseling, honestly. I'm widowed now, but was married for 20+ years, reasonably happily. Early on, we needed to work through some similar issues, but it did involve some sharp conflict in the moment. It did eventually reach clarity. We stayed together during the conflicts, and I can't really tell you why, because some people don't.

If you two have been married a long time, maybe this general situation is more workable for you than for me, because I'd assume the general orientation has been there ("if you cared you'd know what I want"). Speaking only for myself, I do want my partner to feel happy and fulfilled, and I am (was) willing to devote personal energy to that. But I'm a terrible, terrible mind reader - worse than he was, definitely. I need to know what my partner wants, explicitly by them telling me, then I'll go a long way to do that (short of things that compromise personal integrity, ethics, morality, and that sort of thing). YMMV.

Perhaps not to you, but to me the circumstances you're in now would feel like a minefield, I'm sorry to say.

Best wishes, sincerely.

@AnnPT77 I was hoping you would answer this.....you always have great advice and very well thought out responses!!!!! So, thank you!!!'

I should clarify a few things here.....my wife and I have a very good marriage and for the most part communicate pretty well. This just happens to be one of the things that we struggle to effectively communicate about. As it's been said by others in this thread.........the topic of wives and weight is a touchy one at best. So, I think that's the biggest hurdle her and I have with this.

Part of this also stems from the fact that I have lost a pile of weight and have done so quite fast and that tends to discourage her.....becasue she hasn't/isn't losing as much as me. And that she thinks it's easy for me " she has said that well its easy for you do lose weight" well fact of the matter is it, isn't easy it's been alot of work and dedication to stay the course. It maybe that she doesnt see my internal struggle with it or the sacrifices that I have made.