Reflections

Since you haven't been getting many replies (and I find that frustrating when it happens to me), I'll comment . . . even though I don't think I have much of a story.

I was what I guess I'd call chubby during high school and when I entered college. I don't remember for sure how much I weighed, but I think maybe up to BMI 24-point-something, and under-muscled, so flabby. I felt awkward, unconfident, and had the usual female adolescent self-doubt about appearance, plus I've never had what anyone would call a conventionally pretty face. (It's quirky, large-featured, heavy eyebrows, big dip at the bridge of my nose, square face.)

In college, unlike what a lot of people report, I lost weight. I got a physical job, I was on a large campus walking and biking several miles daily to get to classes and events. I was eating in the cafeteria 3x a day, and too busy to snack in all my free time like I'd tended to do in high school. Somewhere in there, I started a regular yoga daily yoga practice. I got slimmer, stronger, more flexible. At one point, my weight dropped down to BMI 18.2 briefly, which was very thin. Most of the time I was around BMI 20. I felt pretty good about my body: It was slim, strong, flexible, could do a lot of things.

Post college, I got a desk job, got married, became less active, ate more, gained weight. It was gradual. By my 40s, I was up to around BMI 32, at peak weight. I didn't make many serious attempts at weight loss along the way, I think just one where I got down to around BMI 22-23. I don't really remember how I felt about my body; my life wasn't focused on that. It was more head stuff, career stuff, hobbies, social life.

When I started losing weight at 59, I was thinking of a goal weight around BMI 22 or so. I'd been most satisfied around BMI 20 in my 20s, but "everyone says" we should weigh more when older. As I got closer to that weight, I could see that it wasn't right. I'd gotten quite active, athletic even, after cancer treatment in my 40s, as part of recovery. I was at least close to the same body composition I'd been in college and my early 20s. I revised my goal downward, to more like BMI 20-point-something. I got there, overshot it, got down to BMI 19.3, which seemed too thin. I went back up again to more like BMI 20-point-something.

These days, I'm in maintenance. There have been ups and downs over the 7+ years, all in the healthy BMI range, all in the same jeans size, so to me it's all maintenance. My goal weight is around BMI 20-point-something. Right now I'm up a bit, working on a super-gradual down swing, this morning at BMI 21.6. (To anchor us in reality, that was 129.8 pounds at 5'5", or 58.9kg at 165 cm. I'm sticking with 5'5" for estimates, though I'm shrinking from there according to my osteoporosis specialists.)

I'm pretty happy with my body in recent years. I'm not Cutey McCuterson, and never will be. I've got that same face, only with more wrinkles, and thinning very grey hair. (At least it's a nice grey! ) I don't do much of the appearance-tending stuff that's common for women of my age in our culture (hair, nails, makeup, etc. There's nothing wrong with doing those things; it's just not me). Then there's the bilateral mastectomies without reconstruction, which many people seem to consider a disfigurement. (I'm fine with it, don't think that.) I have more muscle mass than average for a woman my age (68), and that's a good thing.

I don't like my osteoporosis (caused, in part, by the life-saving cancer treatment). That has me maybe a couple of inches shorter than in my youth. I don't like my osteoarthritis (caused in part by all those years of obesity and under-exercise, so my own -bleep- fault).

But I can still do all the things I really want to do, can hang with much younger people in my sport of choice (on-water rowing), mostly because my endurance is good despite early-stage COPD. (I don't like the COPD either) My brain is far from as good as it once was (chemotherapy and some poor life choices along the way), but it still works OK for normal things. I'm pretty happy, overall.

My mom had body dysmorphia, thinking she was overweight. Every morning she would step on the scale and if that number was bad(most of the time) we all had a bad day. She had me on a diet in 2nd grade because I thought I was fat. This dieting continued through high school. There was even a liquid diet (horrible stuff) that I was on for 2 weeks. No solid food. I routinely lost and gained 10 lbs every 2 weeks, routinely passing out when I got down to a 300 calorie day. In my early 20’s I had enough and stopped the madness but ended up with a binge disorder.. Don’t know my BMI but I ballooned. It has taken me decades to finally get it right.

During high school I was a typical scrawny nerd with glasses to match, not overly thin but just a healthy weight (BMI 22.1). Earned my letterman's jacket as a runner (sprints and cross country), got no love from the ladies. Gained 10 pounds of muscle during military boot camp, was quite happy with how I looked as I entered adult life.

Unfortunately, my first posting called for 24-hr long shifts cramped into a room only 10 feet wide by 20 feet long and crammed with all sorts of communication equipment. When my shift ended I'd be too tired to work out, plus it was in North Dakota where the winters last forever and the temperatures drop so low only a fool spends time outdoors when not absolutely necessary. Between the poor dietary choices in an effort to stay awake during these shifts (a 2-liter of soda each day plus lots of fried tater tots) and the lack of exercise when off shift (and zero room to do anything but sit during shift), by age 25 my weight had ballooned by 60 pounds, moving my BMI to 32.5. I was constantly tired, I couldn't climb a flight of stairs without gasping for breath, my knees throbbed, I missed the way I used to look, and it was only through the grace of God I found a woman who liked me for me.

When I left active duty a buddy recommended I try weight lifting, since my knees could no longer handle the running I used to enjoy in my youth. I had dabbled with lifting in school, but it never really appealed to me. Now, something clicked, and I became addicted, a passion which is still with me almost 15 years later. At the same time I was introduced to MFP, where my inner geek could satisfy my need to manipulate numbers (calories, protein, etc).

So here I sit at age 46. I've lost some weight from my peak, though my BMI of 28.2 says I should keep losing more. But my physique looks nothing like either my school days nor my military days; I traded 60 pounds of fat for 30 pounds of muscle. I've lost almost 9 inches off my waist from my peak weight; my arms now are the same size as my legs back in school. My knees no longer hurt, I love my image in the mirror, I have enough energy to keep up with (and sometimes exceed) the teenage boys in my son's scout troop. I tell you, if I had the testosterone from my 20's combined with the knowledge/will I have today, the result would be something special. As it is, I feel content with where I'm at now, and confident in my ability to remain living independent in the future, not needing to live in assisted living homes.