Always failing on my weight loss journey.....I think it's a real eating disorder?!

Rannoch3908 · January 17

I have been overweight as long as I can remember - I am 6ft 3in tall.
I was the heavyweight wrestler in junior high (145) and the heavyweight in high school (215lbs) - I graduated in 1999. I am not 42 years old.

In 2014 my weight was 326 pounds.
In 2016 my weight was 316 pounds.
I have battled with diets, lifestyle changes, fasting, calorie counting, low carb, keto, whole30, etc. - whatever strategy I think might help me stick with it. Making a lifestyle change (and not a diet plan) has always been my main goal. Nothing ever sticks.

I finally got down to 275lbs this past year (August). I was so proud - I looked better, felt better, could move around, did yoga daily, could play with my son, people noticed.
But as of today I am back up to 300lbs - and about ready to cry and give up - I gained 25+ pounds since the fall.

I think I have an eating disorder honestly - I don't ever order food and not get twice as much as I need (two subs, two combo meals, a pizza and a cheese bread, a coffee + sandwich + oatmeal + egg bites). I tell myself not to do that - all the way to the store, all the way to the counter, while I am paying -- but it doesn't matter - my mind says to do it and I do it. I always get seconds - even if my wife is giving me a scolding look because I told her not to let me overeat.

I try not to eat fast food - but that doesn't work either. I basically have to stay at work and not go out. If I leave the office and drive past restaurants I am stopping. I tell myself no, that I am making changes in my life and eating habits, and beg myself not to do it --- then find myself walking in and ordering $20-$25 worth of food.

I eat even more at night - once everyone is in bed it's back to the kitchen for a PB&J, eggos, sausage links, a bowl of cereal, crakers, sweets, etc -- I tell myself not to get up off that couch - just chill and watch your show - your not even really hungry. But nope - I am going to eat and I do.

I don't even think I am hungry most of the time - I don't need two footlong subs. I am full after one but I eat the other anyway because it tastes good and I like eating things that taste good. I don't need a whole pizza and a whole cheesebread - but it's so frickin good - every bite. I tell myself to order the healthy thing off the menu with friends but what do I do -- the country fried steak with mashers, gravy, fries and let's get a side order of pancakes to go with that - FML.

I have bought Lose It, MyFitnessPal Premium, workout plans, apps, etc - I don't use any of it after a week or so because it's inconvenient. Plus it means I don't get to do what I want.

--What do I do?
--Who do I see?
--What can they do to help?

I am considering also asking about the new weight loss shot - if something can make me feel full, curb appetite, etc -- maybe it could help me?

frhaberl · January 17

If you have access to it, it might be a good idea to seek a mental health assessment. Even without an assessment, talking to a qualified mental health professional, ideally one with training and experience with diagnosing and treating eating disorders could be helpful. Sometimes there are root issues that manifest in overeating and the overeating will continue to pop up until the root issue is addressed.
If these options aren’t accessible for you, some introspection activities might help you. Some people have utilized journaling to capture underlying thought processes that are leading to their unhealthy behaviors. Maybe try taking some time before and/or after doing something that doesn’t support your long term goals to write down the feelings you are having and the thought processes that are leading to and supporting the undesirable behaviors. If you see trends then invest some time in strategies to deal with the feelings in a more healthy way or new thought processes that can eventually displace the old ones. I have used this technique for dealing with spiraling anxious thought patterns. I’ve found that replacing them with active alternatives instead of just trying to “not think that way” has been helpful.
I have no direct experience with weight loss shots, but have heard that some people get relief from obsessive thinking about food. It is an approach to discuss with your doctor, but I would suggest taking it as a parallel approach to finding the root cause and addressing it, since the shots alone can’t do that and you probably don’t want to be on them for a lifetime.
Best wishes to you.

ddsb1111 · January 17

I can’t say it any better than the previous poster. I just wanted to add that I’m so glad you made your post and put it all out there, and were completely real and honest. That’s not always easy to do, and can be the first step to gradual change. Please take her advice to heart, seek a professional and learn healthy strategies that will last a lifetime. Because this has been a lifelong coping mechanism it’s going to take some work to figure out why you do it and how to change it. Don’t worry, no one expects perfection, just progress over time. Many people here are experiencing the same thing and I hope they catch your post and can respond with their 2 cents. Please stick around, read the stickies at the top, log-in daily to start to ingrain some positive practices, and keep us posted on how you’re doing. No one here is going to judge you, and you never know, this could be the start of changing and potentially saving your life.

larosita57 · January 17

Hang in there! There are a lot of people here who have been in your shoes. I am a psychotherapist myself - after reading the above (which is excellent advice), I think you may benefit from connecting with a clinician or clinical program that specializes in treating Binge Eating Disorder. There are specific interventions that target behavior change which would likely be of help to you.

Although nearly all therapists have training in cognitive behavioral therapy, not all of us have experience in using it within the context of compulsive eating. There are other interventions, including medications (I've heard Topamax can help) that should help, given the right conditions. I know a lot of folks in the U.S. don't have health insurance that allows them to pick their own mental health providers, but if you do (such as PPO), I would recommend a specialist. Meanwhile, I think the support and experience of your peers here wil also be a great help. There are self-help workbooks on compulsive eating that are well-rated - maybe another useful tool.

Rannoch3908 · January 18

Thanks for your kind words - figured I would have had some people comment saying to just have more self control or you just have to suck it up and stick with a plan. After 25 years of battling with this it just isn't that easy. But I have a son now - I want to see him grow up and play and take him snowboarding and hiking and not ever have to skip something because I am too out of shape or overweight. I want to live a long time for my wife - I never want her to have to do this journey alone. Gotta figure this out.

tomcustombuilder · January 18

It’s an inside job. You have to get to a point where you’re sick and tired of being over weight. Until you get to that point you won’t be successful with leaning out and staying there. There will be one thing, whether its a thought or a situation that sparks you to make changes.

DFW_Tom · January 18

Rannoch3908 wrote: »

I have been overweight as long as I can remember - I am 6ft 3in tall.
I was the heavyweight wrestler in junior high (145) and the heavyweight in high school (215lbs) - I graduated in 1999. I am not 42 years old.

I have battled with diets, lifestyle changes, fasting, calorie counting, low carb, keto, whole30, etc. - whatever strategy I think might help me stick with it. Making a lifestyle change (and not a diet plan) has always been my main goal. Nothing ever sticks.

I finally got down to 275lbs this past year (August). I was so proud - I looked better, felt better, could move around, did yoga daily, could play with my son, people noticed.
But as of today I am back up to 300lbs - and about ready to cry and give up - I gained 25+ pounds since the fall.

Excellent post. Now 67, I've been there, done that, and still have a drawer full of 3X Extra Large T-shirts. Every so often, I would force myself to get some exercise and cut my food intake, but it never lasted. Just too hard, too inconvenient, too time consuming. All of it too stressful to keep it up for any length of time. Sure it bothered me to see friends my age, with the same lifestyles, start passing away in there 50's, but not enough to make lasting changes. (Matter of fact, I'm meeting a bunch of them for breakfast this morning in memory of one of us who died suddenly on this date.)

All I have for you is to say it is possible to make lasting changes. I've lost 120 lbs over the last 2 years after reducing stress and finding that there were just some things that I could not eat just a little of without setting off an absolute need to eat more. Motivation only took me so far, and then only for a short while. Figuring out what had made me morbidly obese, why I was always hungry, then finally finding solutions allowed me to make changes that I feel I can live with. There has been very little stress or even effort during my weight loss. Had there been, I don't think I could have stuck with it.

What worked for me is most likely different for what eventually you find works for you. Everyone is different. The answer for you is out there - hiding for now, but I hope you find it soon.

EliseTK1 · January 18

I agree with the others here. I just wanted to say that I feel this deeply and support you 100% in your quest for health.

Theoldguy1 · January 18

Rannoch3908 wrote: »

Thanks for your kind words - figured I would have had some people comment saying to just have more self control or you just have to suck it up and stick with a plan. After 25 years of battling with this it just isn't that easy. But I have a son now - I want to see him grow up and play and take him snowboarding and hiking and not ever have to skip something because I am too out of shape or overweight. I want to live a long time for my wife - I never want her to have to do this journey alone. Gotta figure this out.

Some tough love

To make any major behavior change one has to have a strong "why", and it appears you now have that. Think about not being physically able to do things with him as he grows up. Think about the example you are currently setting. Think about your wife attending your son's HS graduation alone because you've passed due to poor dietary habits.

Take these "whys", explain them to a counselor familiar with eating issues and get some help.

Best of luck.

whimsy38 · January 18

Not a solution, but you might gain some insight from this book The DBT Solution for Emotional Eating: A Proven Program to Break the Cycle of Bingeing and Out-of-Control Eating
by Debra L. Safer (Author), Sarah Adler (Author), Philip C. Masson (Author)

With the level of feeling out of control you describe, I do think seeking a professional would be best, but your story reminds me of some of the case studies described in the book.

Kiwi2mfp · January 18

I found help in my Christian faith. I don't know if this is something that would help you. But if you are a church goer, there are many studies on self control and healthy eating from that perspective. I found this very helpful personally. To understand how food can heal you and fuel you to care for your family better or it can harm you and take away your ability to care for those you love really put things into perspective for me. In turn I was healed of many ailments that kept me in bed and away from my family lot by learning this. I was in so much pain and so chronically exhausted. But not anymore. I felt very out of control and that I likely would never get under control again in my life at the age of 38. But my faith really helped me snap out of that too. I do agree that you likely need help of some kind. I never did end up needing "counseling" through a professional therapist of any kind because I found counseling through the studies I did. I also agree that you need a very strong motivator. Your son would be a very good one. I do hope you find the help that you need. You, your wife, and your son deserve the best life you can live. Take care.

Always failing on my weight loss journey.....I think it's a real eating disorder?!

Replies

Categories