A little bit about me and this journey

I am 54 years old and morbidly obese (no sense in sugar coating it) and I need help.
I have recently developed high blood pressure and have had a few AFIB episodes. I am currently working with my family doctor to get on the path to a healthy me. I have also signed on with an amazing fitness and nutrition coach.

I am made of caffeine and cortisol, sarcasm, and cuss words. I can drop the caffeine and the cortisol, not sure about the sarcasm and cuss words.
But none of this helps me on a path to wellness.

I am a non- sleeper (4-5 hours max, and typically not in a row). I have a son who is 23 and has special needs. He is legally blind, has Autism, severe cognitive delays from a viral infection in infancy that caused a stroke and seizures and swelling of his brain. He is still in diapers and relies on me and my husband for every aspect of his day.
I tell you this, not for sympathy (you find that between *kitten* and syphilis in the dictionary), but to explain some of the reasons that I need help.
I do not look after myself as I should. I do not eat great even though I try. I am a picky eater (again, no sense in denying or lying about what I am). I hate to cook. Food prep is not my forte. My personal life is complicated (as is for a lot of people), my past is ugly, and my current is teetering. The stresses of my personal life have played a part in my poor health. I am tired.
The "in my soul” kind of tired. I don't want to be tired anymore.

I want to feel healthy, sexy, and lively again. I need help to find my way back to a healthy and strong me. My obstacles are me and financing my health. I understand my health should not have a cost associated with it, and it shouldn't, but unfortunately, it matters. (Just because I want to make the changes and get the help, does not mean that I can afford it- I wish that were not the case)
But like my dad always said, "Wish in one hand and *kitten* in the other, see which one fills up first." (Sad but true).

I just know that I cannot do this on my own. It’s okay to need help. Yo-yo dieting, fad diets, trending phases......ugh! I have done them, tried them, had some successes then bounced right back to where I was and then some. I am ready to do the work, but I need guidance, encouragement, accountability.
I need to feel like I have a safe, non-judgmental place to do it in. I do not feel good about myself. I present pseudo-esteem in my life. I have learned to feign confidence when I have none. I am the world's greatest pretender when it comes to looking like a happy-go-lucky individual.
Humor covers all for those who chose to not see behind it. I want to believe in myself again. I believe that I can make this work.
Honestly, the amount of money I have spent on supplements, fad diets and crap.... there is room for me to cut out other things and invest in myself. I want that for me. I am excited to get back to being healthy, to living and for the first time in 35 years, feel good in my own skin.

I have avoided the gym because I am so uncomfortable with myself in public settings. I have created my own obstacles. I never believed in myself enough, never long enough. I put the happiness of others before my own.

This is an exhausting way to live. I am ready. No one is harder on me than me. I own my flaws, failures and know I have fabulous and kind heart. I made a commitment to get healthy. I have struggled with it. I have made strides and then old habits sneak in. What is one cheat day? One turns into two or turns into, ‘well it’s the weekend’. Next thing you know, I am back to square one. And then before I know it, I have gained back what I lost and sometimes more.

I have looked for the quick fixes and the promises of health in a bottle or pill disguised as supplements, which are more filler and very little supplement. The part I forgot about was me.

I have taken an enormous leap to change that. Part time efforts will not get me full results. This is my journey and mine alone, but that doesn't mean I have to do it alone. I have discovered through trial and error, desperation and desire, triumphs, and failures, I indeed cannot do this alone.

I need help with motivation and staying motivated. I acknowledge that. I own that. So, I have made a commitment to get the help I need and have fully committed to myself.

Today and everyday forward, I choose me! This road will be long, hard, rewarding and in the end, TRIUMPHANT!!

I will obtain the healthy, vibrant, and fabulously flawed individual I have been looking to rediscover.

I am finding my way back to healthy and rediscovering myself in the process.
It's going to start ugly, there will be tears and cuss words...... And when I reach my goal, there will still be tears and cuss words.... but a different kind of tears and different cuss words. It will be epic....and I am here for it.