Im up... Im bored... Somebody entertain me...

stresco
stresco Posts: 354 Member
edited October 3 in Chit-Chat
I need some entertainment here. Been up for over 20 hours and working for 18. Got another 6 hours of work to get through and in desperate need of a distraction. Post up some bad jokes... Anecdotes... Stories... Funny pictures... Anything to help me keep my eyes open.

Replies

  • onewarmmomma
    onewarmmomma Posts: 222 Member
    Ditto that. 2:30am and I can't get interested in sleep!!
  • jmatthews75
    jmatthews75 Posts: 525 Member
    I am up, in jail working.. here for another 5 or so....
  • Brandicaloriecountess
    Brandicaloriecountess Posts: 2,126 Member
    I have been bored and restless all night. You entertain me please!
  • tomcat4680
    tomcat4680 Posts: 27
    The doctor says to the patient, well there's good news and bad news. The good news is they're naming a disease after you.

    Three women are in group therapy. The therapist turns to the first and says you're obsessed with money. you even named your daughter Penny. He turns to the second and says "You're an alcoholic, you even named your daughter Brandy. The third woman angrily gets up and says "I've had enough", and says to her son "Let's go home, D1ck"
  • jmatthews75
    jmatthews75 Posts: 525 Member
    haha
  • stresco
    stresco Posts: 354 Member
    What do you call 5 blond girls stuck in a freezer?






    Frosted Flakes.
  • SergeantSunshine_reused
    SergeantSunshine_reused Posts: 5,382 Member
    Studying all night for anatomy D:
  • ejohndrow
    ejohndrow Posts: 1,399 Member
    My laptop is about to die and I have to get up at 0500-which is oh about 2.5 hrs from now- to swim 500 meters...I'm not a very good entertainer right now.
  • stresco
    stresco Posts: 354 Member
    What goes:
    -VROOM
    -SCREECH
    -VROOM
    -SCREECH
    -VROOM
    -SCREECH





    A blond girl stuck at a flashing red light.
  • tomcat4680
    tomcat4680 Posts: 27
    Three blondes are locked out of their car. The first one says "We should break the window with a rock". But they can't find any. The second one says "We should try to find a hanger to unlock it". But they couldn't find any other those either. They then ask the third one for an idea. She replies "I don't know, but we better hurry, it looks like rain and the top is down."
  • stresco
    stresco Posts: 354 Member
    Hehehehehe...

    Keep em going.
  • morganchelsey
    morganchelsey Posts: 4 Member
    A blond is sitting in class when she comments negatively about the "class nerd."
    The professor says "Watch it! He could be your boss someday!"
    The "nerd" replies, "Doubtful. I'm not planning on becoming a pimp."


    Hahah. Heard this today & couldn't help but giggle!
  • tomcat4680
    tomcat4680 Posts: 27
    The doctor says to the patient "Well there's good news and bad news." The guy says "Well give me the bad news first." The doctor says "You have less than a month to live". The guy says "Oh my God, how could there possibly be good news?" The doctor says "Well see that busty 21 year old nurse over there? I just just started sleeping with her."
  • stresco
    stresco Posts: 354 Member
    So I walk into my bedroom and my wife is laying on the bed. I say "Honey... I'd love a little *****". She says "Me too. Mine is as big as a house".



    Hehehehehehe Classic Predator quote right there. Still makes me laugh.
  • morganchelsey
    morganchelsey Posts: 4 Member
    How do you kill a blonde?







    Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.
  • stresco
    stresco Posts: 354 Member
    How do you know when a blond has been using your computer to write a letter?






    There's white out on the screen.
  • tomcat4680
    tomcat4680 Posts: 27
    A guy goes to confession and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned, I have slept with a loose woman." The priest asks "Well who was it?" The guy says "I can't tell you, I don't want to ruin her reputation. The priest asks "Was it Brenda?" The guy says no. The priest asks "Was it Susan?" The guy says no. The priest asks "Was it Linda?" The guy says no once again. The priest says "Very well, say 1 Hail Marys and 2 Lord's Prayers.' The comes out and his buddy asks "Well what'd he give you? He says "1 Hail Mary, 2 Lord's Prayers, and 3 really good leads."
  • stresco
    stresco Posts: 354 Member
    How do you make a tissue dance?









    Put a little boogie in it.
  • tomcat4680
    tomcat4680 Posts: 27
    The Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers announced they going to merge. Their new name will be the Tampacks. Experts predict they won't be very good, they'll only last one period and they won't have a second string.
  • tomcat4680
    tomcat4680 Posts: 27
    A guy walked into a cafe and asked for a bowl of chilli. The waitress said "The guy next to you got the last bowl." He looks over and sees the guy's bowl of chilli is full. He says "If you're not going to eat that, mind if I take it?" The other guy says "No, help yourself." He starts to eat and about halfway down, his spoon hits something. It's a dead mouse, and he vomits the chilli back into the bowl. The other guy says "That's about as far as I got too."
  • stresco
    stresco Posts: 354 Member
    A guy walked into a cafe and asked for a bowl of chilli. The waitress said "The guy next to you got the last bowl." He looks over and sees the guy's bowl of chilli is full. He says "If you're not going to eat that, mind if I take it?" The other guy says "No, help yourself." He starts to eat and about halfway down, his spoon hits something. It's a dead mouse, and he vomits the chilli back into the bowl. The other guy says "That's about as far as I got too."

    ROFLMAO!
  • tomcat4680
    tomcat4680 Posts: 27
    The doctor says to the patient "I can't figure out what's wrong with you, it must be the heavy drinking." The patient says "Well I'll come back when you're sober."
  • stresco
    stresco Posts: 354 Member
    What do you call the sweat on your body after you've screwed your own sister?











    Relative humidity.
  • stresco
    stresco Posts: 354 Member
    What's the difference between exotic and psychotic?
    Exotic is wearing a French tickler, psychotic is wearing French toast.
  • stresco
    stresco Posts: 354 Member
    Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then said: "You have to shove the all of the fruit that you brought back up your butt without any expression on your face and without making any noise or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh? you almost got away with it!" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples."
  • KENNY1957
    KENNY1957 Posts: 89 Member
    The doctor says to the patient "I can't figure out what's wrong with you, it must be the heavy drinking." The patient says "Well I'll come back when you're sober."


    Thats to frickin funny this early!!
  • stresco
    stresco Posts: 354 Member
    What is 40 feet long and smells like urine??







    The Conga Line at a nursing home!
  • tomcat4680
    tomcat4680 Posts: 27
    An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man comes up and asks "What's wrong?" The old man says "I'm married to a beautiful 22 year old woman. The young man, puzzled, asks "What's wrong with that? The old man replies "I forgot where I live."
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