Day of Emotional Purging

Today I've been so emotional and out of sorts. After exercise, something came over me and I literally dropped to the floor under the weight of crushing emotion. Saddness, grief, anger, frustration, regret, and fear all had me in their grip. Same thing in the shower; overcome with emotion, I had to sit down in the tub. I found myself thinking about things from my past, the loss of my Dad, childhood, family, all the self-sabotage I've done over the years, my weight... It just kept coming. I'm still kind of in that place as I write. I realized that for so many years I stuffed my feelings with food, cigarettes, drugs, sex, and everything that would hold still. I'm a very sensitive person and feel things very intensely; always have and as I progressed in age I found different ways of coping and numbing myself. Anyway, Ive changed a lot through the years. I let go of drugs and promiscuity long ago but only recently let go of smoking and overeating with overeating being my biggest self-soother. So now, all my coping mechanisms are gone and not coming back. I've changed but change requires a temporary surrender of your sense of security, always. I think I'm just REALLY feeling everything now. Layers of old buried feelings are getting peeled back and exposed to the light now and it doesn't feel good. It. Hurts. My first reaction is to stuff it back inside but that's not an option for me anymore. It's a gateway I have to pass under and it's a mark of my metamorphosis. But it does hurt. I think when people who've been fit all their life tell fat people that it's a simple matter of "calories in and calories out" and that all you have to do is "make your mind up, stick to it" there is truth in that but without consideration of the incredibly EMOTIONAL aspect of shedding weight. It's SO hard to let go, even if something isn't good for you, it can feel safe because of it's familiarity; its the only way some of us have ever known to cope with the intensity of what we feel. I know I'm rambling now and this probably should be a blog, but I just felt the need to share it and let anyone who has ever felt this way know that someone else out there gets it. Really gets it.