Unsolicited advice

I didnt ask your opinion

It's going to happen. Sometimes I'm even going to be the one that gives it. In a sense, it's a dimension of normal conversation, if we want to help each other. But communication is hard enough, and sometimes we get our wires crossed.

Here again, as I mentioned on your thread about giving support, I try to give other people of the benefit of the doubt, i.e., start from the assumption that they mean well, want to help. That helps me stay calm and reasonably happy, even in some cases where I may be wrong about their intentions.

For around 20 years, I quite regularly attended a monthly cancer support group. A fairly common thing in the conversation was someone recently diagnosed saying ". . . and then my friend told me I should XYZ, which was so rude and unsupportive; I felt terrible. Why couldn't she have said ABC?". A month or two later, some other person would say: ". . . and then my cousin told me I should ABC, which was so mean and discouraging. Why couldn't she have said XYZ?".

Yes, literally opposite views about what was mean, and what was helpful. How is the other party, who wants to help or support, supposed to win?

That's part of what convinced me that it was more useful to listen for the intention more than listen to the words.

Also similar to what I said on the other thread, I try - not always successfully - to stay on the high road when responding. If I can do that, that helps me feel better about myself as a person, as compared to snapping back negatively (which I admit can be vaguely satisfying in the moment ). If I think the unsolicited advice is incorrect, or even isn't even meant to be helpful, I'd try to go with something like "Is that what you did in these circumstances? Did it work for you?", "I wonder why you think that might work?", "That really doesn't work for me." or in truly extreme cases "I'm wondering why you feel that is an appropriate thing to say in this situation?".

We all differ in our needs and responses, I think. I feel like I have substantial control over what triggers me, and how I respond (emotionally inside myself, or explicitly to the person).

If I let another person tell me what to do (when I have a choice, and I don't want to do it), I'm letting them push me around. But also, if I react emotionally in ways that aren't helpful to me, I'm also letting them push me around, just in a different way.

For me, allowing my reactions to escalate the situation (internally or externally) tends to impair my equanimity, mood, or quality of life. I don't see much value in that. For me, it's usually better just to ignore it, change the subject, etc., or at most say one of the kinds of things I mentioned above.

YMMV, of course, but you asked how we feel about unsolicited advice. That's me. :flowerforyou:

Corina1143 wrote: »

I agree that often the hardest part of offering support is knowing what the other person needs.
But I think everyone who comes to MFP forums as a newbie needs some support in some way.
It's so easy to just say "welcome" rather than "you're wrong! Do it the way I say."
Common decency is so easy.

I think we may differ on the bolded. I think the definition of "common decency" is a little less black and white than that implies, so not necessarily all that easy. As you say, the hardest part is knowing what another person needs, or wants.

I agree that "just do it my way, because that will work best for everyone" isn't great (and IMO likely isn't accurate).

But I also don't think just "welcome" is necessarily full support, either. That's not the kind of support I want, at least not as a standalone comment. What I actually prefer myself - now, but also going back to being new here - is stuff like "here's what worked for me, so one option to consider", "this is worth the effort, here's the standard way to start", or something like that, in addition to the "welcome".

Further, from experience here, there are folks who will read "this is what worked for me" as "you're wrong, do this", and be offended. That isn't common, but it happens.

Also, if an OP has asked a question, and gets some reply that literally is factually wrong in some important way, I think that explaining why that reply is factually incorrect IS support to the OP. However, it's obviously unsupportive (and probably unsolicited advice) to the person who wrote the factual incorrect reply.

Just my opinions, of course.