Why can't I just tell him no?

cantjustcant
cantjustcant Posts: 1,027 Member
edited October 3 in Chit-Chat
In June 2008 I met a man online. I had never dated anyone off the internet before and was pleasantly surprised at how wonderful he was. We soon were hanging out together every night. In September of that year I moved in with him. We did everything together. We would go on long hikes all over Ohio and Indiana, we went camping several times a year and we threw the biggest Halloween party in the world! There are so many things that we had in common...we could complete each other's sentences...I was happy for the first time in as long as I could remember. I grew close with his family and his friends and often they would call me before they called him. We had the perfect life.

two years into our relationship we went on a camping trip. Durijng the trip he kept going up to the top sites to "use the restroom". Well, I had to get something out of the van and his phone was in there. I snooped and found him texting someone named "Allen" repeatedly that weekend. I opened the texts and figured out (pictures) that it was a woman. I was crushed but kept my thoughts to myself. After we got home he was on the computer before me and forgot to log off yahoo messenger. A message popped up from a Holly Allen!!! She said how sorry she was that she couldn't go camping with him that weekend and hoped that they could get together soon!!! That night I got her phone number and texted her a pic from that weekend of him and I camping. She had no idea that he was involved with someone and apologized profusely. We have since become friends and chat from time to time. She told me that they had only texted and she met him through the shop that he worked at and he had emailed her through their email list and started the conversation that way. But she reassured me that they had never done anything other than flirting through texts and emails.

Well, I did some snooping and found 6 other women that he was emailing and 4 that he was texting! I packed everything I owned up and moved it to a storage unit while he was at work one day and when he came home I confronted him about it. He denied it repeatedly even when I told him that I had talked to her.

I fell apart. I moved into my exhusband's spare bedroom and tried to pick up the pieces. I KNOW I deserved better than that! But I was shattered into a million pieces. But slowly I have put the pieces of my life back together. I stopped crying over him at night, but I miss our life and the things we did together. The problem I have is that he texts me all the time. I try to ignore them but I'm still in love with him (even after being apart for a year) and end up answering him at least once a day. If he texts me on Sunday morning and says I'm going on a hike wanna go? I can never say no. If he wants to meet me for lunch, I go. The only thing I haven't done (at least in the past 6 months) is gone over for a booty call.....although he has asked.

I tell him not to text me or email me and he will oblige for a week until he sends me a "I miss you" text and it starts all over. I know he hasn't changed. On Thursday night he wanted me to come over and I was at work so I couldn't. Today I was talking to his SIL (whom I am still friends with) and she told me that they are meeting his new "girlfriend" tonight and she didn't want to go! So he hasn't changed at all. Only this time I would be the other woman.

I just want to be strong enough to tell him to go jump in a lake. It's been 16 months since we split upand I'm not strong enough yet.
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Replies

  • Iamfit4life
    Iamfit4life Posts: 3,095 Member
    Yes you are strong enough.

    Do it, and do it right now.

    Stop feeling sorry, stop being the victim, it's not an attractive look on anybody.


    Get a new number, get a new email and tell this man to sod off forever. Only you have the power to do so. DO IT.
    '*Im sorry this isn't more cuddly. But I think this is the angle you need.
  • Ocarina
    Ocarina Posts: 1,550 Member
    Sounds like a vicous cycle. I've been in one of those relationships. The guy only talks to you because it entertains him and you give him the attention he wants. He probably does that with multiple other women. You need to remember and realize you are one in 100's he's slept with/used. You aren't special, you just happen to not resist his bs. The only way to get out of the cycle is to end it. Which means you need to stop talking to him. It's blunt but true!
  • BodybyPlants
    BodybyPlants Posts: 76 Member
    I just wanted to say after reading that you are stronger than you know! When you packed everything up while he was at work I couldnt help but think, "This woman is amazing!"
  • RickMckc
    RickMckc Posts: 38
    The only way you will ever stop "loving" him is to start loving something or someone else more. Love yourself more; love God more; love your kids more; love chocolate more - whatever it is you choose.

    Humans only pursue what they are passionate about. Redirect your passions.

    Grace and peace to you!
  • zaiikaa
    zaiikaa Posts: 112
    If you're strong enough to lose 29lbs, you're strong enough to get this loser out of your life.
  • Iamfit4life
    Iamfit4life Posts: 3,095 Member
    I just wanted to say after reading that you are stronger than you know! When you packed everything up while he was at work I couldnt help but think, "This woman is amazing!"

    agreed

    I was her before. I was exactly where she is. She is SO much stronger than she thinks.
  • Awake_Alive
    Awake_Alive Posts: 261 Member
    For your sake, do it. Every time he texts you, keep in mind that he is probably texting others right before and after you. He's a player, and you are going to continue to hurt if you keep in touch with him. It will be the hardest thing ever, but just stop...beginning right now.

    Please also keep in mind that you are blocking someone new and better from coming in to your life by wasting your time, energy and love on this jerk.

    Big ***squeeze*** to you. I know it's not easy, but it is possible.
  • aimstein
    aimstein Posts: 94
    I agree with Imfit4life. Change your email address and your phone numbers...and make sure none of his family members give them to him. You deserve better, and it is up to you to make sure you get it. By letting this relationship linger you are hurting yourself even more. You may have already moved on if you had stuck to your guns and no spoken to him at all. There is a certain point where you get what you deserve...please don't let it get to that point. Your story makes me sad, but I truly believe you are stronger than you think. Make changes and stick to them....just like you did when started mfp. Take your life back girl!!!
  • ConnieSG
    ConnieSG Posts: 376
    I have been there and done that!! You are much more stronger than you give yourself credit for. Don't let this low-life keep you hanging by a string. You deserve so much more.
  • twiztedgrl69
    twiztedgrl69 Posts: 191 Member
    you are strong enough...b/c you were strong enough to leave in the first place...you know how many women would have stayed with him and just put up with it? If you were strong enough to leave and get away from it the you are strong enough to push past it and move on with your life with someone greater:)
  • lboogie138
    lboogie138 Posts: 11 Member
    I completely agree with iamfit4life. You have to change your numbers and email and cut him out of your life completly! I'm sure you don't want to be "the other woman". So don't be!!! This man obviously doesn't know what he wants out of life and someone like that is no good for you!! I don't know how you feel about God, but I would suggest that you pray for the strength to walk away from him and never look back and for God to help you to see how strong you really are. Good luck!
  • Awake_Alive
    Awake_Alive Posts: 261 Member
    Humans only pursue what they are passionate about. Redirect your passions.

    ^^^^ This!!!!!
  • kandrews24
    kandrews24 Posts: 610 Member
    You won't be able to be in a healthy happy relationship until this one is ended. He's a anchor around your neck. Regardless of why, he's a user and dysfunctional. You're vunerable and he's there. It is hard to say no when you don't have other plans. Make other plans. Move on. Getting rid of this jerk will be akin to losing 100 lbs! YOU CAN DO IT!
  • cartern1
    cartern1 Posts: 270 Member
    get a new number - i've had to do it before
  • brooke4fitness
    brooke4fitness Posts: 39 Member
    Oh my gosh! Don't tell him anything. Don't talk to him again. Reconsider whether you talk with anyone in his family. Change your number and move on. You really are allowing him to hold you back from all the opportunities that life has in store for you.
  • Iamfit4life
    Iamfit4life Posts: 3,095 Member
    get a new number - i've had to do it before

    Exactly. If you don't have the strength to do what you need to do. Change everything making it impossible to have contact.
  • srazzack
    srazzack Posts: 6
    Weight loss is an incredible thing. It requires more than just work... it requires confidence.

    Ive seen obese people cry out of happiness after losing 20 lbs... its because they worked against the odds and built confidence that they can do it... they can live a healthy life.
    you have lost weight, you have gained more strength than you have.

    You have that supreme confidence that can not be broken... You are in control of your life, not that pimp that is playing with the minds of all those other women.

    Trade cellphones with someone and dump this loser...

    You are stronger than you think. We are all with you here; thank you for feeling free enough to share your struggle with us.
  • livnlite
    livnlite Posts: 520
    This story doesn't sound much different than any other 'cheater' story. Of course he's always "sorry", of course he always "wants you" , of course he always "needs you" ... but that is not reality .. THAT is fantasy. He is all about FANTASY ... It's all about what HE wants .. and not about what he has to offer you. If he really cared for you, he would admit that he is a cad and that you can do better. He won't miraculously change. Don't be fooled into thinking he will. He took devious behaviour to a whole other dimension buy having multiple prospects 'on deck' ... just in case he needed to feel important to someone.

    A man like that is obviously more interested in the 'chase' than the 'prize'. That's why he has so many other women on the line. He is not, and was never been honest with you. THAT's all part of the thrill.

    Are you in Love with HIM or who you 'think' he is?

    You CAN do better! Be patient, there are still some great guys out there that will fulfil your dreams. Good luck!
  • sinclare
    sinclare Posts: 369 Member
    yes, you can let him go. just do it.

    Yes, it hurts and it will hurt for a long time. You were in love with who you "thought" he was, not who he really is. It happened to me. Sucked, took a really long time to heal.

    But that's okay, the worst is behind you. Just let it go and move on. <3
  • SueInAz
    SueInAz Posts: 6,592 Member
    You shouldn't even need to change your email or your numbers. Email controls have spam blockers. Add his email address to yours. Many phones now have the option to block a number in your contact list. If yours does, add him to that otherwise check with your mobile provider and see if they offer the option through your account preferences. Sprint allows you to block individual phone numbers, either incoming or outgoing, to a specific number through your preferences on their website. If a call comes in from a number you don't recognize, send it straight to voicemail. Tell him you don't want to hear from him or see him every again then do this. Eventually, he's going to get the hint that you really do mean it this time.
  • cantjustcant
    cantjustcant Posts: 1,027 Member

    Are you in Love with HIM or who you 'think' he is?

    I think it's this....not that I think he is but who I want him to be, And I know he will never be that person.

    I just have always been the type of person who refuses to give up on someone. I always see the good and skip over the bad. I'm like susie freakin' sunshine. I have to learn to switch up my thinking with him. I know he is the only person that I could let destroy me. Heck, he almost did.

    Today is just an emotional day. I did a 2 mile run today couple with a week of huge noticable changes. I measure once a month and in Sept I lost 19.25 inches. Couple that with 3+ pounds lost this week and I am just feeling....well I don't know exactly what I am feeling. Elated? Melancholy? oh heck, I just don't know.

    But I'm feeling it! lol

    Perhaps a nice little walk in the cold will clear my head!

    You guys are amazing. I am so glad no one has sugar coated it! I am not one to sugar coat things and I needed a good swift butt kicking! xoxo
  • cantjustcant
    cantjustcant Posts: 1,027 Member
    ohhh and I blocked his email and am trying to figure out how to block his phone....
  • Iamfit4life
    Iamfit4life Posts: 3,095 Member
    ohhh and I blocked his email and am trying to figure out how to block his phone....

    Good

    and I'm sorry if I sounded harsh. But there isn't any way to sugar coat this. Honey you can do this and let go of this man who is of no good to you.

    YOU and YOU alone can do this!! :)
  • ahinescapron
    ahinescapron Posts: 351 Member
    No matter how much you want him to or dream he will, he is not going to change. This whole thing is working for him. This is not about whether you love him, it is about whether you love YOU. Please, love yourself enough not to let this guy walk all over you!! How are you going to meet someone who is worth your time and devotion, when you are busy being strung along by this prick? You are worth it!! I say these things, because I watched one of my very good friends go through this and it was heartbreaking. She finally left the jerk and met someone who treasures her :)
  • submissivelyserving
    submissivelyserving Posts: 95 Member
    years and years ago, when my ex was caught cheating by my anut, i just didn't want to accept that it was over. i would call and the other woman would be at his house and she would answer the phone laughing at me. i just couldn't be true, its not quite over, i can save this (what i told myself), but it was over. he was 4 years older than me and i would not meet his need like a woman his age was willing to do. I am so glad i did not give in to his advances. learn from this past relationship so that if you see it in your future relationships you won't invest months and years into them. you'll thank him later for teaching you what to look for. my ex often tells my mom (he is still in contact with my family) how i was the sweetest girl he ever dated. i was devasted when we (he) broke up with me. it felt like my heart was actually aching (i promise to this day i remember having chest pains). i later i met my husband (29 years and counting) on the phone. i dialed the wrong number (just happened to be the RIGHT number for me) and we talked on the phone for 6months or longer before my mom (very strict mom) would even let him come over. we dated for about a year before he asked me to marry him. HE IS A GOD SENT, CHRISTIAN MAN. So different than what i had or even expected. A minister that loves God and loves wife and family (in that order and he never, never, never, never lets me forget it). But i tell my ex (whenever i'm at my mom's house and he just happens to call) or tell my mom to tell him , thanks for the lessons. i love you for what you taught me because you taught me what to look for. LEARN THE LESSON AND DON'T REPEAT IT.

    I just told someone else this same story. I have had the opportunity to share this a lot lately, hope it helps. Trust me, each day gets easier and easier. Allow him to move on because he's standing in MR. RIGTH'S place.
  • candicole007
    candicole007 Posts: 120 Member
    I want to tell you a story about a girl, who was in a very similar situation. Her husband cheated on her with loads of other women, and she believed him when he lied about it. Well she didn't deep down, but she let herself think she did. She let herself think she was the one with the problem. She told herself she wasn't a good wife. She told herself she would not be a good mother if she left.

    One day, she'd had enough, and kicked him out. Afterwards, she still talked to him, slept with him, let him make her think she was important. Even though he was seeing someone else openly. Even though she was still filing for divorce. She consoled him when he came over and cried because he wasn't a better husband. She told him it wasn't his fault.

    Then after he left she thought about that conversation. It WAS his fault. He WAS the one that made the choice to be a lying, cheating bastich. He WAS the one that made her think she was paranoid and unlovable. Etc etc. After that day, she didn't talk to him unless it was about the kids. After that day, she started going out and seeing other people, hanging out with her old friends he'd discouraged her from seeing and talking to, because he was afraid something would get back to her about what he was doing when she was sitting home alone every evening with the kids.

    Several months later she was hanging out with one of those friends, who happened to be a guy. One she'd kept in touch with through the years since they were kids. One she loved in that platonic way that you love your friends that you consider family. One the stupid ex had never even worried about because he didn't hang out in the same circles, and therefore wasn't a threat to the game. They were playing cards, and drinking, and when the friend started to fix her another one, she looked at him, this sexy man she'd known practically forever, who'd been there for her through thick, thin, and everywhere in between, and told him - if you fix me another drink I can't promise I won't flirt with you.

    He fixed her that drink, and after it was gone, they stumbled to the bedroom together, one thing led to another...you get the idea. 3 years later that man still gives her butterflies nearly every day. He's still her best friend. He's still there for her, for everything.

    The point to this very long, very boring story is this....you have to clear out the weeds of hurt, betrayal, anger, and the hit to your self-confidence before you find out what completely amazing, mind-blowing, beautiful flower might be ready to sprout out from the fresh, clean ground of your open heart. Ditch the loser. For good. Do all the things all the pp's told you to do. And just be you. You never know when something amazing might happen.
  • livnlite
    livnlite Posts: 520

    Are you in Love with HIM or who you 'think' he is?

    I think it's this....not that I think he is but who I want him to be, And I know he will never be that person.

    I just have always been the type of person who refuses to give up on someone. I always see the good and skip over the bad. I'm like susie freakin' sunshine. I have to learn to switch up my thinking with him. I know he is the only person that I could let destroy me. Heck, he almost did.

    Today is just an emotional day. I did a 2 mile run today couple with a week of huge noticable changes. I measure once a month and in Sept I lost 19.25 inches. Couple that with 3+ pounds lost this week and I am just feeling....well I don't know exactly what I am feeling. Elated? Melancholy? oh heck, I just don't know.

    But I'm feeling it! lol

    Perhaps a nice little walk in the cold will clear my head!

    You guys are amazing. I am so glad no one has sugar coated it! I am not one to sugar coat things and I needed a good swift butt kicking! xoxo

    If you need a butt kick .. you've come to the right place! LOL

    I can so identify with your ideal that there is always good in everyone .. EVERYone has baggage. But, the older you get, the more you get to realize, you can't work miracles. Some people are just too damaged and you just are not equipped to make a difference. All you can do is be true to yourself .. everything will fall into place .. eventually. THIS just wasn't your time.

    You have something to offer everyone that comes into your life .. and they likewise, offer you information and experience. Each experience you have in your life helps you to become the person you will be in the future. You learn from your mistakes, you take what you need and discard the rest. You hone your skills. You, are still a work in progress, just like the rest of us.
  • Jade_Butterfly
    Jade_Butterfly Posts: 2,963 Member
    Yes you are strong enough.

    Do it, and do it right now.

    Stop feeling sorry, stop being the victim, it's not an attractive look on anybody.


    Get a new number, get a new email and tell this man to sod off forever. Only you have the power to do so. DO IT.
    '*Im sorry this isn't more cuddly. But I think this is the angle you need.

    You are pure awesomesauce. . . OP. . yes this is exactly it. . You CAN do it. . . Trust me. . . it hurts a lot more if you don't. . . I have been in that spot. . It hurts. . yes. . . But you WILL get through it!
  • wildbeal
    wildbeal Posts: 124
    ok let me tell you ladies something from a guys perspective. i havent always been the nicest person i really use to treat women like crap. and as long as you allow that that is what will happen to you you actually will gravitate towards the same type of people..over and over and over. you see the problem you can stop this because the problem is not you but if you remain youare saying that you dont care how people treat you and they will treat you that way. dont demean yourself by trying to be who he wants you to be .. because he really only wants you to be weak and under thumb.TRUST ME I KNOW
  • kb455
    kb455 Posts: 679 Member
    I have been in a somewhat similar situation... you gotta go cold turkey. Like the others have said, TOTALLY erase him from your life. It will be hard at first but after awhile, you'll start to get over him (and you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner) If you keep receiving texts from him, its going to be too hard to get over him. He's not who you thought he was so why waste any more time or heartache on him? Good luck to you :)
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