Why can't I just tell him no?

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cantjustcant
cantjustcant Posts: 1,027 Member
in Chit-Chat
In June 2008 I met a man online. I had never dated anyone off the internet before and was pleasantly surprised at how wonderful he was. We soon were hanging out together every night. In September of that year I moved in with him. We did everything together. We would go on long hikes all over Ohio and Indiana, we went camping several times a year and we threw the biggest Halloween party in the world! There are so many things that we had in common...we could complete each other's sentences...I was happy for the first time in as long as I could remember. I grew close with his family and his friends and often they would call me before they called him. We had the perfect life.

two years into our relationship we went on a camping trip. Durijng the trip he kept going up to the top sites to "use the restroom". Well, I had to get something out of the van and his phone was in there. I snooped and found him texting someone named "Allen" repeatedly that weekend. I opened the texts and figured out (pictures) that it was a woman. I was crushed but kept my thoughts to myself. After we got home he was on the computer before me and forgot to log off yahoo messenger. A message popped up from a Holly Allen!!! She said how sorry she was that she couldn't go camping with him that weekend and hoped that they could get together soon!!! That night I got her phone number and texted her a pic from that weekend of him and I camping. She had no idea that he was involved with someone and apologized profusely. We have since become friends and chat from time to time. She told me that they had only texted and she met him through the shop that he worked at and he had emailed her through their email list and started the conversation that way. But she reassured me that they had never done anything other than flirting through texts and emails.

Well, I did some snooping and found 6 other women that he was emailing and 4 that he was texting! I packed everything I owned up and moved it to a storage unit while he was at work one day and when he came home I confronted him about it. He denied it repeatedly even when I told him that I had talked to her.

I fell apart. I moved into my exhusband's spare bedroom and tried to pick up the pieces. I KNOW I deserved better than that! But I was shattered into a million pieces. But slowly I have put the pieces of my life back together. I stopped crying over him at night, but I miss our life and the things we did together. The problem I have is that he texts me all the time. I try to ignore them but I'm still in love with him (even after being apart for a year) and end up answering him at least once a day. If he texts me on Sunday morning and says I'm going on a hike wanna go? I can never say no. If he wants to meet me for lunch, I go. The only thing I haven't done (at least in the past 6 months) is gone over for a booty call.....although he has asked.

I tell him not to text me or email me and he will oblige for a week until he sends me a "I miss you" text and it starts all over. I know he hasn't changed. On Thursday night he wanted me to come over and I was at work so I couldn't. Today I was talking to his SIL (whom I am still friends with) and she told me that they are meeting his new "girlfriend" tonight and she didn't want to go! So he hasn't changed at all. Only this time I would be the other woman.

I just want to be strong enough to tell him to go jump in a lake. It's been 16 months since we split upand I'm not strong enough yet.
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Replies

  • Iamfit4life
    Iamfit4life Posts: 3,095 Member
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    Yes you are strong enough.

    Do it, and do it right now.

    Stop feeling sorry, stop being the victim, it's not an attractive look on anybody.


    Get a new number, get a new email and tell this man to sod off forever. Only you have the power to do so. DO IT.
    '*Im sorry this isn't more cuddly. But I think this is the angle you need.
  • Ocarina
    Ocarina Posts: 1,550 Member
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    Sounds like a vicous cycle. I've been in one of those relationships. The guy only talks to you because it entertains him and you give him the attention he wants. He probably does that with multiple other women. You need to remember and realize you are one in 100's he's slept with/used. You aren't special, you just happen to not resist his bs. The only way to get out of the cycle is to end it. Which means you need to stop talking to him. It's blunt but true!
  • BodybyPlants
    BodybyPlants Posts: 76 Member
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    I just wanted to say after reading that you are stronger than you know! When you packed everything up while he was at work I couldnt help but think, "This woman is amazing!"
  • RickMckc
    RickMckc Posts: 38
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    The only way you will ever stop "loving" him is to start loving something or someone else more. Love yourself more; love God more; love your kids more; love chocolate more - whatever it is you choose.

    Humans only pursue what they are passionate about. Redirect your passions.

    Grace and peace to you!
  • zaiikaa
    zaiikaa Posts: 112
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    If you're strong enough to lose 29lbs, you're strong enough to get this loser out of your life.
  • Iamfit4life
    Iamfit4life Posts: 3,095 Member
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    I just wanted to say after reading that you are stronger than you know! When you packed everything up while he was at work I couldnt help but think, "This woman is amazing!"

    agreed

    I was her before. I was exactly where she is. She is SO much stronger than she thinks.
  • Awake_Alive
    Awake_Alive Posts: 261 Member
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    For your sake, do it. Every time he texts you, keep in mind that he is probably texting others right before and after you. He's a player, and you are going to continue to hurt if you keep in touch with him. It will be the hardest thing ever, but just stop...beginning right now.

    Please also keep in mind that you are blocking someone new and better from coming in to your life by wasting your time, energy and love on this jerk.

    Big ***squeeze*** to you. I know it's not easy, but it is possible.
  • aimstein
    aimstein Posts: 94
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    I agree with Imfit4life. Change your email address and your phone numbers...and make sure none of his family members give them to him. You deserve better, and it is up to you to make sure you get it. By letting this relationship linger you are hurting yourself even more. You may have already moved on if you had stuck to your guns and no spoken to him at all. There is a certain point where you get what you deserve...please don't let it get to that point. Your story makes me sad, but I truly believe you are stronger than you think. Make changes and stick to them....just like you did when started mfp. Take your life back girl!!!
  • ConnieSG
    ConnieSG Posts: 376
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    I have been there and done that!! You are much more stronger than you give yourself credit for. Don't let this low-life keep you hanging by a string. You deserve so much more.
  • twiztedgrl69
    twiztedgrl69 Posts: 191 Member
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    you are strong enough...b/c you were strong enough to leave in the first place...you know how many women would have stayed with him and just put up with it? If you were strong enough to leave and get away from it the you are strong enough to push past it and move on with your life with someone greater:)
  • lboogie138
    lboogie138 Posts: 11 Member
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    I completely agree with iamfit4life. You have to change your numbers and email and cut him out of your life completly! I'm sure you don't want to be "the other woman". So don't be!!! This man obviously doesn't know what he wants out of life and someone like that is no good for you!! I don't know how you feel about God, but I would suggest that you pray for the strength to walk away from him and never look back and for God to help you to see how strong you really are. Good luck!
  • Awake_Alive
    Awake_Alive Posts: 261 Member
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    Humans only pursue what they are passionate about. Redirect your passions.

    ^^^^ This!!!!!
  • kandrews24
    kandrews24 Posts: 610 Member
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    You won't be able to be in a healthy happy relationship until this one is ended. He's a anchor around your neck. Regardless of why, he's a user and dysfunctional. You're vunerable and he's there. It is hard to say no when you don't have other plans. Make other plans. Move on. Getting rid of this jerk will be akin to losing 100 lbs! YOU CAN DO IT!
  • cartern1
    cartern1 Posts: 270 Member
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    get a new number - i've had to do it before
  • brooke4fitness
    brooke4fitness Posts: 39 Member
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    Oh my gosh! Don't tell him anything. Don't talk to him again. Reconsider whether you talk with anyone in his family. Change your number and move on. You really are allowing him to hold you back from all the opportunities that life has in store for you.
  • Iamfit4life
    Iamfit4life Posts: 3,095 Member
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    get a new number - i've had to do it before

    Exactly. If you don't have the strength to do what you need to do. Change everything making it impossible to have contact.
  • srazzack
    srazzack Posts: 6
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    Weight loss is an incredible thing. It requires more than just work... it requires confidence.

    Ive seen obese people cry out of happiness after losing 20 lbs... its because they worked against the odds and built confidence that they can do it... they can live a healthy life.
    you have lost weight, you have gained more strength than you have.

    You have that supreme confidence that can not be broken... You are in control of your life, not that pimp that is playing with the minds of all those other women.

    Trade cellphones with someone and dump this loser...

    You are stronger than you think. We are all with you here; thank you for feeling free enough to share your struggle with us.
  • livnlite
    livnlite Posts: 520
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    This story doesn't sound much different than any other 'cheater' story. Of course he's always "sorry", of course he always "wants you" , of course he always "needs you" ... but that is not reality .. THAT is fantasy. He is all about FANTASY ... It's all about what HE wants .. and not about what he has to offer you. If he really cared for you, he would admit that he is a cad and that you can do better. He won't miraculously change. Don't be fooled into thinking he will. He took devious behaviour to a whole other dimension buy having multiple prospects 'on deck' ... just in case he needed to feel important to someone.

    A man like that is obviously more interested in the 'chase' than the 'prize'. That's why he has so many other women on the line. He is not, and was never been honest with you. THAT's all part of the thrill.

    Are you in Love with HIM or who you 'think' he is?

    You CAN do better! Be patient, there are still some great guys out there that will fulfil your dreams. Good luck!
  • sinclare
    sinclare Posts: 369 Member
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    yes, you can let him go. just do it.

    Yes, it hurts and it will hurt for a long time. You were in love with who you "thought" he was, not who he really is. It happened to me. Sucked, took a really long time to heal.

    But that's okay, the worst is behind you. Just let it go and move on. <3
  • SueInAz
    SueInAz Posts: 6,592 Member
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    You shouldn't even need to change your email or your numbers. Email controls have spam blockers. Add his email address to yours. Many phones now have the option to block a number in your contact list. If yours does, add him to that otherwise check with your mobile provider and see if they offer the option through your account preferences. Sprint allows you to block individual phone numbers, either incoming or outgoing, to a specific number through your preferences on their website. If a call comes in from a number you don't recognize, send it straight to voicemail. Tell him you don't want to hear from him or see him every again then do this. Eventually, he's going to get the hint that you really do mean it this time.

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