A Curveball

brianward81 · October 2011

Just wanting to get peoples advice on something that happened last night;

I've been doing MFP for nearly 2 months and have really enjoyed it. I've been following my calories, eating better, exercising more and have lost around 4kg. I didn't have a lot to lose when I started but now I am in my healthy BMI range (I know that it isn't a good gauge but I used it to form my first goal) and will probably up my calories to a maintaining level in the next week or so. I wanted to lose the gut I had and take better care of myself after my father passed away in May (he found out he had liver cancer and passed away 5 days later). So the results have been great for me and a nice confidence boost too.

My wife has always had issues with her body and has been doing Weight Watchers again after giving birth to our second child, a son, 2 weeks after my father passed away. We have a 2.5yr old daughter too so it has been hard for her to really be super strict on it, she needs to eat more to ensure she can breast feed properly (Weight Watchers instructions) and is so utterly exhausted by the end of the day that she hasn't been able to as much exercise as she's wanted to. I thought that when I started MFP it would be great as we would both be there to motivate each other and there wouldn't be any issues making healthy meals that we can both eat.

Long story short, we were talking last night and she revealed that my interest in the health kick, the fact I've been able to go to the gym more and I'm trying to tone my body has made my wife feel worse. While I have been tracking calories stricter and am able to take more time with it as I am not with the kids all day has made her feel down on herself. This was the LAST thing I wanted to do. She said she is proud of my progress and the issues with her body are issues she's dealt with her whole life. I wasn't expecting this at all. I thought I might help her if I was doing it too but it has had a negative impact on her opinion of herself because of it.

To be clear, I never go and exercise unless I am sure (and she has confirmed) that she is ok for me to go. If she has had a long hard day with the kids, I don't come home get changed and go to the gym. I have found the gym to be a great tool in not only getting my exercise done but as a release for a lot of anger and stress that I've been feeling since my Dad died. But I also know how incredibly hard it is to take care of two kids, especially our son who has been a screamer from day 1 and has started teething which has upped the ante even more. So I more often go to the gym or play a volleyball game when she has pushed me. I, in turn have been trying to encourage her to go out and exercise while I stay home with the kids but in the last few weeks she has just been so exhausted.

I want my wife to be happy with herself. I love her with all my being and wouldn't change a thing. But I know if she is happier with herself then that will make me happy. I hate her low opinion of herself, it makes me so sad that she can't see the beauty I see. I know once our son has calmed down and we are in more of a normal sleep pattern things will be much easier for both of us. So I am going to tone down my full on approach to this until my wife and I can do it better together. I will still eat better, go to the gym when I can but I will ensure she does not feel worse because of it. Her happiness means more than anything to me.

Can anybody relate? Any advice on how I can help her out more or anything?

jenfactor · October 2011

That is so sweet that you are even asking. I don't have kids so not sure what it's like, but is there a way that you can go to the gym together sometimes? Or schedule twice a week, like Wednesday evening and Saturday, when she's got time for herself to do whatever? Good luck, I hope everything works out.

rag5051 · October 2011

First of all... that's awesome that you guys are talking about this. I'm not married but from the long term relationships that I've been in talking is the best policy. My advice is just to talk it out and see what would make her feel better about what you're doing. Did you tell her that you didn't want what you're doing to affect her in a negative way? I'm sure if you tell her that then right off of the bat she'll feel better.

sarab99 · October 2011

A couple things that may help, only you know for sure. One, insist that she plan a night out with her girlfriends while you watch the kids. As you already know, when most of your social life is centered around your children, its hard. Second if you're able, plan a night out with just the two of you, get a sitter. Lastly, maybe all of you could plan after dinner walks or bike rides, something along those lines. Sometimes just getting outside of the house to relax for a little while can help. Good luck and it's really sweet that you can not only see the problem but are willing to go out of your way to help. Your wife is a lucky woman.

MamaBear57 · October 2011

I can relate and was in your exact situataion. I hated myself for the way I looked and my husband was like you supportive and sometimes that hurt even worse. He being fit and out in the world and me stuck in the house. Even though I wanted to be there with my girls it still took a toll on my self esteem which was not great to begin with.

She has to pull herself up and you just need to support and encourage her the best you can. I know how hard it is to find the energy to work out and how tiring little ones our. My girls are now 6 and 4 so I truly do understand where your family is right now.

If she has friends or family that can get her to do things without the kids that may help....try taking evening walks as a family...or get a family or friend to watch the kids while you both go to the gym. If she is anything like me....I HATE THE GYM!!! With self esteem problems the gym is scary and terrible.

Maybe set up a space in your home that can be for her to work out and offer her a time of day for her to work out without the kids interupting her. I find DVD's and a treadmill to be my best friend and I have lost a lot of weight this way.

I will pray for your family and hope that she can find the confidence to overcome. She sounds like a supportive wife and you are lucky to have her and she you. Keep talking and be honest with your feelings. This will help. It took me a long time to accept myself and I hope you can help her find her way faster than I found mine. Good luck

brianward81 · October 2011

Believe me, a night out for us both would be so awesome. But our son has been very hard work, doesn't bottle feed well and is pretty grumpy if we are not in his peripheral vision. Our daughter was hard work but thats because she was our first. She was sleeping through the night at 12 weeks (our son is 20 weeks old and is not at all) and although she was teething early like he is, she seemed to cope much better.

I have pushed her to go out a few times with her friends and she has gone but she is less enthusiastic about it when she can see that if I have to feed our son from the bottle its gonna be touch and go whether he'll take the bottle or not. If he doesn't take it, I'll have no option but to call her home which sucks but is unfortunately the way he is at the moment.

She said to think of it from her perspective; "I have more weight to lose and have felt crap about my body my whole life and you don't have to lose anything and you are quickly losing weight and worrying about how your abs look. If you are worrying about how your abs look what do you think about me." That crushed me, that I have made her feel that because I care about how my body looks it must mean that I look at her and must feel she has heaps to do.

We said last night that we will try, now that the weather is improving, to find time for her to go for a nice walk on her own. No kids, just her. She goes to her WW meeting on a Saturday morning an is about the only hour she has to herself. Meanwhile, I am at work and able to type this on here, go for a lunch walk and commute to and from work with my own thoughts, music, podcasts, etc... She doesn't get the alone time she needs but she stresses that I need it after going through losing my father. But I also know she needs time, I think I will just have to take the initiative and kick her out of the house to go do more for herself.

Thanks for the input guys, I really wasn't expecting this curveball and I hate baseball anyways.

ahinescapron · October 2011

It is so hard after you have a child to accept the changes with your body. Perhaps she needs some reassurance that you still love her and appreciate her. Do you do date nights? Get a sitter, take her on a date each week or every other week and remind her that she is more than just a mommy to you. Also, make sure that you give her time to do things that she enjoys that are not related to the kids. Make sure she gets time to be with friends or meet new friends. Being a mommy can be very isolating. Sit down together and plan out when she wants to go to work out and make it an appointment. Most likely, even if she doesn't love weight really quickly, working out will make her feel better. Make sure that when she goes on these outings and such that you take over her household stuff, so she just gets to enjoy. I don't know your wife, so these are just suggestions based on me and the women that I know. Hope it helps! BTW, good for you for caring enough to ask!

ritajean3 · October 2011

Do you work weekend? What time do you get home from work?

On weekends go on outing together. Go for swims, to the park, for a walk and a scavenger hunt. Pack picnic blanket and lunch and you can have lunch out.

Another option is 3 days a week look after the kids in the afternoon, make dinner ect and get her some exercise stuff for at home.

Do you spend time together at night when the kids are in bed? I found Hubby and I were in the same room but not "together". So now we make sure at least half the nights of the week we are actually doing something together when the kids go off to bed.

brianward81 · October 2011

I think the DVD thing might be a great help, she might be more inclined to do some exercise if she knows she is there if my son starts screaming for breast feeding. She can go in the theatre room, do her thing for an hour while I take care of the littleins. She does like the gym and I'll just have to do more to make sure it doesn't feel like she is abandoning our son and that I can handle a little screaming. I make dinners whenever I can (around 3 times a week) but I think the big thing is that she is just so tired. Breast feeding through the night and not getting a proper sleep for nearly 5 months (let alone the great sleep pregnancy brings) is taking its toll.

I think I will suggest that, for eg, Tues & Thurs night is her afternoon off. I will take the kids and she can go off and do her own thing.

I finish work at 3 and am home by 3.30pm, two or three days a week I will come home an hour earlier and sometimes I will go to the gym on those days before I come home. I think I'd be better help if I didn't have this grief following me around but she is helping me get through it as I did for her when she lost her brother 6 years ago. We are very supportive of each other but I know this issue of herself is going to take a lot of work to get through. We'll get through it I'm sure and your tips are all being taken in.

Many thanks.

queennahs · October 2011

Ah, those mental obstacles to finding time and energy can be hard to overcome... here are some things that have worked in my experience...

Regular exercise will actually help your wife from feeling so exhausted as well as making her feel better about herself. The trick is to do it early in the day. Getting to bed and then up earlier, putting the kids in a pram and going for a walk together as a family each morning would be a great kick-start. Don't make a big deal out of it. It's the focus which is making her reflect and feel bad about herself. She sees you kicking goals and she feels like she's going no where. You're also having a life / your own time outside of the family and she may feel (irrespective of how untrue it is) that she can't - mother's guilt can be a powerful thing. Just arrange it one evening that the walking clothes and shoes and kids stuff is ready for the next morning so it's not a big hassle and then keep repeating it. Follow that with a healthy breakfast and hey presto, some exercise and change in eating habits has happened already and it's not even 8am

Another suggestion is finding a local gym with a creche / childcare service that your wife can go to mid morning a few days a week. Don't do the "finding" for her though, being sensitive at the moment, she might take it the wrong way. If local enough, walking past it on your morning walk or a leaflet slid into the morning paper with other advertising material that you or she just happens to come across over breakfast might be the way to "find" it. If the gym bag and kids things are also packed the night before and even waiting in the car, it's simple to pile them in, drop them at the creche and have a blissful hour or so to yourself knowing they're only next door being well taken care of. She certainly would not be the only mum there and this will help her through seeing other women doing the same thing and having a chance to share her experience. All of a sudden she has a window into a life of her own again as well. Your wife would already have the walking shoes and clothes on from early in the morning, so again, there's no hassle about trying to get over that mental hurdle of having to wait for you to get home and find the energy to get ready and go to the gym at the end of the day.

I think it's excellent that you have asked and I wish you good luck with helping to make your wife feel as beautiful as you think she is.

ritajean3 · October 2011

Let me just say you sound like a wonderful husband and father. You are being so mindful especially when you have your own grief to handle. What a true display of what the head of a household should be like, looking out for the members of his family and not just himself.

Now if she expresses then you will be fine with the baby and she won't need to do any feeding. Even if instead of exercising she takes some time for herself for a bath or whatever it works wonders. A lot of the tiredness of motherhood isn't just the physical stress but the mental stress too. If she worries about leaving the kids with you she can work her way up to an hour, she can go for coffee at first or take a bath for ten mins then fifteen ect ect. I tell you my husband had to watch our children from day one and I wasn't shy about leaving him with the twins but despite doing it I still felt guilty and worried they were always ok though, it is just one of those mummy things.

I find mornings better too but then it all depends if she is waking up at 5am to the baby ect. There is walking groups for mums where they all get together and go for walks with the prams and baby yoga things also. You could always do family walks in the afternoons. What time does your gym close? Could you come home and spend time with the family doing things, help with dinner and sit with your wife to eat before heading to the gym or does it shut early?

kaetra · October 2011

I really understand where your wife is coming from. Our daughter literally did not stop crying (bad colic) until she was 6 months old, I was a tired ball of baby-mama-mush and I didn't WANT to leave the baby because she needed me. I felt miserable away from her. Even knowing I needed to be away, needed a break, I still felt miserable when I was out and couldn't wait to get home. Date night in this situation was not at all fun, or a releif or a break. It was an obligation to advice-givers that say "take time for yourself" "you must have husband-wife time together". Easy to say, hard to do.

It also, even still, really frustrates me that my husband can get healthy body results light-years faster than me. I get it - Men and Women are different. It's not his fault men naturally burn more and gain muscle more easily. I try not to hold it against him, but it's still frustrating. I would feel terrible if I thought I was holding him back from his health goals but it's really freaking annoying to see him buff in 6 weeks because he hit the gym a couple times a week and gave up drinking soda. ARGH! So UNFAIR! I have a dough ball the size of Rhode Island firmly entrenched around my waist and he's got an 8-pack. WTF. How could he possibly even want me? He does though - he still wants me, but I have the libido of a rock. Rocks have no libido. Rocks do not make good wives.

So, it made me feel like a bad mom because my baby was screaming constantly, I couldn't be a good wife, and I looked like something that rose from the Black Lagoon. No wonder people get post-partum. I didn't get post-partum, but I was pretty bummed out and really frustrated and really tired.

Looking back is there anything I could have done differently to make it better? I don't know. Thankfully the colic did end eventually.

My husband is a great guy, and you sound like a great guy. In situations like this, you just gotta do your best and get through it. Sounds like you're trying very hard. Maybe just don't "worry about your abs" in front of your wife. Help out with the house/kids as much as you can, tell her often that in your eyes no woman could ever be as beautiful as she is, don't over-encourage her and just ride it out. She's gotta take her fitness on in her own way and in her own time. Meanwhile I don't think you should put your fitness goals on hold, maybe you could just keep them low key or something.

A Curveball

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