Yikes, how to tactfully cancel a date?

Pangea250
Pangea250 Posts: 965 Member
edited October 3 in Chit-Chat
So I signed up for an online dating thing and emailed with a gentleman several times. He asked if I'd like to meet for a drink and I said sure. So I took his number and told him I'd call to set up the details (it is to be tonight). I called last night, and we firmed everything up. I'm thinking this would be a 5 or 10 (max) minute phone call. Well, let me tell you, the guy can talk. And talk and talk and talk. I had to cut it off at 30 minutes. I already know his dating history for the past 5 years as well as many thing about both ex-wives. I'm a little freaked out by this. I just wanted to get off the damned phone!

As I have thought about it overnight, besides the talking thing, he mentioned a few things that I almost feel are "rules" for me. Weird. Two things he said:

"One woman didn't want me to pick her up at her house on the 2nd date and I didn't think that was good, I thought she had someone at home she didn't want me to meet, like a husband." Um, yeah, you know, I don't think I'd invite an online date to my house after only meeting once.

"You're not going to have leave at a certain time, I hope. Most of my friends are younger than me, but they insist on getting up early in the morning even on days they don't have to work. I like to stay out late." We are meeting for a drink late...11PM, since I volunteer (EMS) most Friday evenings from 6 to 10. I'm thinking like an hour for a first meet like this, maybe 2. But it's going to be late already.

Then he made some offhand comment about my children (ages 9 & 16, which is clearly stated on my profile)..."So I guess you're not going to have an empty nest any time soon." Followed by more information about a woman he dated who had children.

The more I think about it, the more I know: I can't go on this date tonight. The thing is, he works at a training academy for fire & EMS that I have to visit on occasion for various things. There is a chance I'll have to deal with him in the future, so I don't want to just blow him off. What the heck do I tell him without being mean? Do I call and just say, "Hey Wacko <insert proper name there>, I don't think it's going to work out."
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Replies

  • dls06
    dls06 Posts: 6,774 Member
    You don't owe him anything. Just call and say "I'm sorry, but after thinking about it, I don't think it's going to work". The truth is always better. It's like a bandaid you just have to do it fast and then let it go. Don't feel bad for thinking of you first. :wink:
  • Staceyblewin
    Staceyblewin Posts: 96 Member
    You could go the honest route.. but I've never been one to be too honest in those types of situations. If it were me, I'd probably use that volunteer EMS thing as an excuse. At about 10:15, I would text him and be like "something happened tonight, won't be off in time. Raincheck?"

    I'm terrible, I know.
  • djkshdfd
    djkshdfd Posts: 443 Member
    You don't owe him anything. Just call and say "I'm sorry, but after thinking about it, I don't think it's going to work". The truth is always better. It's like a bandaid you just have to do it fast and then let it go. Don't feel bad for thinking of you first. :wink:

    That's right. May be hard but the truth is a lot less messier than you think
  • SkateboardFi
    SkateboardFi Posts: 1,322 Member
    You don't owe him anything. Just call and say "I'm sorry, but after thinking about it, I don't think it's going to work". The truth is always better. It's like a bandaid you just have to do it fast and then let it go. Don't feel bad for thinking of you first. :wink:

    That's right. May be hard but the truth is a lot less messier than you think

    yes. you don't have to be rude about it, but be matter of fact.
  • scapez
    scapez Posts: 2,018 Member
    You don't owe him anything. Just call and say "I'm sorry, but after thinking about it, I don't think it's going to work". The truth is always better. It's like a bandaid you just have to do it fast and then let it go. Don't feel bad for thinking of you first. :wink:
    That's right. May be hard but the truth is a lot less messier than you think

    This...absolutely.
  • sblair77
    sblair77 Posts: 355 Member
    Honesty is the best policy! You don't have to get into details but just tell him you aren't interested in meeting with him any longer. If he asks maybe you could tell him a few nice pointers
  • Huskeryogi
    Huskeryogi Posts: 578 Member
    You could go the honest route.. but I've never been one to be too honest in those types of situations. If it were me, I'd probably use that volunteer EMS thing as an excuse. At about 10:15, I would text him and be like "something happened tonight, won't be off in time. Raincheck?"

    I'm terrible, I know.

    ^This is what I would do, too. But this is probably more adult.
    You don't owe him anything. Just call and say "I'm sorry, but after thinking about it, I don't think it's going to work". The truth is always better. It's like a bandaid you just have to do it fast and then let it go. Don't feel bad for thinking of you first.
  • asyouseefit
    asyouseefit Posts: 1,265 Member
    I know honesty is the best route but I also know I wouldn't do it! I'd probably suffer through the first date then invent a lame excuse not to see him again (like I met someone else)
  • scooterboy2003
    scooterboy2003 Posts: 181
    I would tell him that you checked your work schedule and that 11:00 pm is too late and that you need to cancel. Then just don't make another date. You do not owe him any additional explanation beyond that. To be honest, we are not that young any more and 11:00 pm is past my bed time and we all do have to get up in the morning...especially with young age children.

    Be strong.

    Thinking about ya today.
  • socialite1
    socialite1 Posts: 109
    You don't owe him anything. Just call and say "I'm sorry, but after thinking about it, I don't think it's going to work". The truth is always better. It's like a bandaid you just have to do it fast and then let it go. Don't feel bad for thinking of you first. :wink:

    You took the words right out of my mouth! Don't waste your time with someone that you know you're not interested in. If you need extra motivation, think about how much more difficult it will be to escape his talking in person!! Ugh! Call him and cancel.
  • MrsSWW
    MrsSWW Posts: 1,585 Member
    You don't owe him anything. Just call and say "I'm sorry, but after thinking about it, I don't think it's going to work". The truth is always better. It's like a bandaid you just have to do it fast and then let it go. Don't feel bad for thinking of you first. :wink:

    That's right. May be hard but the truth is a lot less messier than you think

    yes. you don't have to be rude about it, but be matter of fact.

    All of the above! Just say it doesn't feel right for you at the miniute, but that if your paths cross in the future you'll reconsider it!
  • tmiqueen
    tmiqueen Posts: 254 Member
    I don't envy you one bit.

    I was set up with this guy through a vendor I knew. He seemed really nice and we were going to go out on a date that weekend.

    On Thursday, he called me to do a "get to know you" thing and the more this guy talked, the less inclined I was to go out with him. He started talking about his twin girls and how he was looking for a mother for them. I was a single parent too, but I wasn't looking for a replacement parent for my child. Then he started asking me how I was with farm animals and said that "his woman" would need to be a hard worker on the farm. I grew up on a farm and HATED it and knew that was never going to be in the cards for me.

    Finally, he called to firm up the date and I said, "You know, there's really no nice way to say this, so I'm just going to say it. I don't think I want to go out on this date on Saturday."

    He says, "Why?"

    I said, "After our conversation we had on Thursday, I just see us on vastly different pages and I don't think I would be a good match for you. You have expectations and you should find someone that better fits those expectations."

    He thanked me for my honesty and said it was better than if I'd just blown him off.

    In the future, if you meet someone online, make sure you talk a LOT online before you ever meet face to face.
  • korygilliam
    korygilliam Posts: 594 Member
    Yes, just tell him that from your converstation last night, you don't think your personalities are a fit. Definately do not tell him that you want to reschedule! That is both a lie and will drag him on and you already know he likes to talk on the phone! lol

    If he tries to talk you into one date to make sure, just tell him that you already know his entire life history and don't know what else there is to talk about. Maybe even tell him that you are sure he is probably a nice guy, but a suggestion: keep your phone conversations short and pertinant to the person you are about to date. Just because movies show females as phone junkies don't mean that we actually like to talk on them IRL.

    As for him working where you go sometimes...that's life. We will run into people that we dated/married/had a fight with/flipped off in the parking lot/etc...if you see him, just smile and say hi. Who knows, maybe if you do meet him in his work environment, you can tell for sure how much of a leech he is vs just being socially impaired!

    Good luck
  • Huskeryogi
    Huskeryogi Posts: 578 Member

    I said, "After our conversation we had on Thursday, I just see us on vastly different pages and I don't think I would be a good match for you. You have expectations and you should find someone that better fits those expectations."

    I need to memorize this! It's the perfect way to say I don't think we're compatible without it sounding like "I don't like you". Bravo!
  • Pangea250
    Pangea250 Posts: 965 Member
    I agree, the truth is always better. Just not necessarily easier.

    Whatever I do, I have to do it soon. He's got an appointment to get his head shaved at the barber. His ex-wife or girlfriend at the time used to do it. He'd do it himself, but he always seems to mess up the back. Shaving his head makes him look younger than if he just left the hair that's on the sides. But he's really not as vain as that sounds. He's dated several women who seemed a lot more interested in themselves than he cares for a woman to be, you know. His ex-wife was very vain. But really not able to take care of herself at all. She left him and moved back to her father's house, but her father kicked her out after just a few weeks and sent her back to try to work on her marriage. It didn't really work out, so he moved. It took some time for the house to be sold and he had almost no money for a year. Then it sold and he got his half.

    That's just a taste of what I sat through 30 minutes last night. :noway:
  • KarenG1213
    KarenG1213 Posts: 24
    Honesty is always the best policy. Don't torture yourself by sitting through an evening knowing it's not going any further. You don't owe him anything. Just tell him it's not going to work out between the two of you. Good luck!
  • KarenG1213
    KarenG1213 Posts: 24
    All that in 30 minutes??? RUN, RUN AWAY....! Don't look back! :noway:
  • Pangea250
    Pangea250 Posts: 965 Member
    All that in 30 minutes??? RUN, RUN AWAY....! Don't look back! :noway:
    No no no. All that in *5* minutes. Lots more in the other 25.
  • KarenG1213
    KarenG1213 Posts: 24
    [Whatever I do, I have to do it soon. He's got an appointment to get his head shaved at the barber. His ex-wife or girlfriend at the time used to do it. He'd do it himself, but he always seems to mess up the back. Shaving his head makes him look younger than if he just left the hair that's on the sides. But he's really not as vain as that sounds. He's dated several women who seemed a lot more interested in themselves than he cares for a woman to be, you know. His ex-wife was very vain. But really not able to take care of herself at all. She left him and moved back to her father's house, but her father kicked her out after just a few weeks and sent her back to try to work on her marriage. It didn't really work out, so he moved. It took some time for the house to be sold and he had almost no money for a year. Then it sold and he got his half.]

    All that in 30 minutes??? RUN, RUN AWAY....! Don't look back! :noway:
  • LorinaLynn
    LorinaLynn Posts: 13,247 Member

    I said, "After our conversation we had on Thursday, I just see us on vastly different pages and I don't think I would be a good match for you. You have expectations and you should find someone that better fits those expectations."

    I need to memorize this! It's the perfect way to say I don't think we're compatible without it sounding like "I don't like you". Bravo!

    I agree. This is perfect.
  • MrsSpratt
    MrsSpratt Posts: 200 Member
    I agree, the truth is always better. Just not necessarily easier.

    Whatever I do, I have to do it soon. He's got an appointment to get his head shaved at the barber. His ex-wife or girlfriend at the time used to do it. He'd do it himself, but he always seems to mess up the back. Shaving his head makes him look younger than if he just left the hair that's on the sides. But he's really not as vain as that sounds. He's dated several women who seemed a lot more interested in themselves than he cares for a woman to be, you know. His ex-wife was very vain. But really not able to take care of herself at all. She left him and moved back to her father's house, but her father kicked her out after just a few weeks and sent her back to try to work on her marriage. It didn't really work out, so he moved. It took some time for the house to be sold and he had almost no money for a year. Then it sold and he got his half.

    That's just a taste of what I sat through 30 minutes last night. :noway:
    Heehee. He sounds awesome. I agree with the others: "I don't think we would be a good match. Take care" The End.
  • becca_21
    becca_21 Posts: 100 Member
    You don't owe him anything. Just call and say "I'm sorry, but after thinking about it, I don't think it's going to work". The truth is always better. It's like a bandaid you just have to do it fast and then let it go. Don't feel bad for thinking of you first. :wink:


    This needed to be restated because I couldn't have said it more perfectly.

    You owe him nothing... and Yes, honesty is always the best policy... even on blind dates.
  • Pangea250
    Pangea250 Posts: 965 Member
    Okay, I ripped it off. The bandaid is off. Thank you tmiqueen, I am seriously going to memorize that line for future reference. Phew! He took it well, said he thought we'd hit it off marvelously, but wished me well.

    Phew. Where is the smiley for wiping sweat off your brow?
  • bikermike5094
    bikermike5094 Posts: 1,752 Member
    Just tell him, something came up and you need a raincheck. that way your not lying, something did come up.. RED FLAGS!!!!! You can always dodge any rainchecks later, eventually, he'll get the hint. Any guy who talks non stop and has two ex wives.. I'd say he's got some mommy issues...run far, fun fast.
  • MrsSpratt
    MrsSpratt Posts: 200 Member
    Okay, I ripped it off. The bandaid is off. Thank you tmiqueen, I am seriously going to memorize that line for future reference. Phew! He took it well, said he thought we'd hit it off marvelously, but wished me well.

    Phew. Where is the smiley for wiping sweat off your brow?
    Good work! Now you don't have to screen your calls or worry about it anymore.
  • BerryH
    BerryH Posts: 4,698 Member
    I'd turn up to the date just to see what he's like in person. Maybe he gets nervous and shoots his mouth off inappropriately on the phone talking to a new person. Then at the end you can say, "It's been nice meeting you but I don't see we have much in common." Or he might turn out to me much less of a nutter than he sounded on the phone and you really get on well. Just sayin' :smile:
  • BerryH
    BerryH Posts: 4,698 Member
    Okay, I ripped it off. The bandaid is off. Thank you tmiqueen, I am seriously going to memorize that line for future reference. Phew! He took it well, said he thought we'd hit it off marvelously, but wished me well.

    Phew. Where is the smiley for wiping sweat off your brow?
    Too late I see :laugh:
  • Yanicka1
    Yanicka1 Posts: 4,564 Member
    <
    taking motes. I hate being a b (word).
  • Krizzle4Rizzle
    Krizzle4Rizzle Posts: 2,704 Member
    What happend? What did he say?
  • fitplease
    fitplease Posts: 647 Member
    I'm glad it all worked out for you.
This discussion has been closed.

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