Saying No Politely and with Grace to Friends bearing Dessert

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kaetra
kaetra Posts: 442 Member
in Food and Nutrition
So, you're with friends and someone brought a really gorgeous looking home-made dessert that they poured all their love into and spent literally hours making, and want to share with everyone. It's usually some traditional recipe in their family handed down through generations. But you can't have any of it because a.) you've "changed your lifestyle" or whatever you want to call it and; b.) you have no idea how to count even a bite of it.

No matter what you say you are going hurt their feelings when you don't eat some of it. You can't really say "It looks so lovely, but I'm so sorry I can't have any. I've changed my lifestyle." Their response is gonna be something along the lines of "oh a little bit won't hurt, just have a small piece".

This is one of the hardest things for me. I have no way to even count it to accomodate for it. They are friends so they know darn good and well already I'm trying to watch what I eat. But in the non-"lifestyle-changed" world people just don't get it. They aren't trying to sabatoge anyone or anything sinister - they probably just found Grandma So-and-so's recipe card over the weekend, had a fond memory and decided to make whatever it is.

What do you do in these situations? I refer to being on a "strict diet", because that seems to be easiest for them to understand and gets the point across. Then I sit there looking like miss upity rude-pants not eating the fat/egg/sugar/lord-knows-what-else-laden hunk of gorgeous deliciousness with my mouth watering like a fool.

Is there a better way to handle this situation? It comes up at least once a week.
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Replies

  • netchik
    netchik Posts: 587 Member
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    Try to target an ingredient. So "I'm not allowed dairy at the moment" is great for desserts... Blame it on your doctor if you have to!
  • Eats_With_A_Fist
    Eats_With_A_Fist Posts: 181
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    Personally, I would get a big spoonful of it, eat it slowly tell them how great it is, refuse seconds on the grounds of health and then assume it has too many calories to fool with counting, cut a couple hundred from something else and then do 10 minutes or so of something intense. I think that sometimes we just have to take the hit for friends. Just don't let it become a habit. But that's just me.
  • oneoddsock
    oneoddsock Posts: 321 Member
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    Well, you could ask them for the recipe, and then put it into the recipe thing here on MFP and find out how many calories it is, and perhaps try and work it into your allowance for the day.

    I think a real friend wouldn't be offended if you said no, especially if you explain the reason why. You could also ask them if you could just try one bite - that way you're not completely sabotaging yourself, but you're also appreciating the effort that they've put in for you.
  • curvy_ca_mama
    curvy_ca_mama Posts: 110 Member
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    They're the food pushers, and my question is are they really "friends"? If they are friends, they already know and will support you, otherwise who cares. At least I'm trying to have the attitude... Good luck!
  • allehp
    allehp Posts: 96
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    To be completely honest this was the reason I stopped eating meat- it made saying no at barbecues so easy. Now I'll just make a joke out of it, like, "I really can't...I've just come to terms with the fact that my metabolism is so terrible I look at food and gain weight!" And then if they keep pressing I'll either get more firm or remove myself from the situation.

    I feel like occasionally stuff like that stems from heavier friends who are emotional eaters who want to engage you in their emotional eating to make themselves feel less guilty about it, even if the "emotional" eating is celebratory, that's still all it is. Objectifying it makes it easier too.

    Always a tough call. It's only food, but some moms/sisters/friends do take it personally!!
  • rj_knitnchick
    rj_knitnchick Posts: 95
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    that is such a hard call. You don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But you don't want to put a dent into all your hard work. I find it hard to stop at one taste once my taste buds get a sample.

    I usually just say that I am on a diet and that is not allowed. I will oooohhh and aaaahhh over the dessert to make the person feel good. But when it comes down to it, I want to be able to say "no regrets". I will regret eating that dessert but I will have a great victory by not eating that dessert.

    good luck!!
  • kaetra
    kaetra Posts: 442 Member
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    Personally, I would get a big spoonful of it, eat it slowly tell them how great it is, refuse seconds on the grounds of health and then assume it has too many calories to fool with counting, cut a couple hundred from something else and then do 10 minutes or so of something intense. I think that sometimes we just have to take the hit for friends. Just don't let it become a habit. But that's just me.

    That's a great idea! Thanks! Letting go of a bit of total control over every situation is probably good for combating calorie-counting-OCD too, which can also become an issue on the "lifestyle-change" boat. :)
  • gooberr4
    gooberr4 Posts: 253 Member
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    well they're right. a small piece won't hurt. its going to be impossible for you to go through the rest of your life on this lifestyle change and not eat something "bad" every once in a while. have a little piece of it, enjoy it, and leave it alone. you have to learn self control and this is a good learning opportunity.
  • Jill_newimprovedversion
    Jill_newimprovedversion Posts: 988 Member
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    I do try to sarcastically help them realize the stumbling block they've just placed in my way by saying,
    "Geesh...Who's side are you working for anyhow?" I think it's a light-hearted way to make them accountable for
    what they're doing too.

    Being borderline diabetic- and not wanting to risk going over that line- and explaining that- doesn't even help...

    IF that's NOT the case, can you have a *little* bite of it and NOT eat a whole bunch???
    If it's left w/ you to finish, is there someone you can "share the love" with?
  • Sklahsen
    Sklahsen Posts: 76 Member
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    Honestly, I would just ask for a small piece. I have found that I cannot deny myself treats once in a while. As long as you are not having a huge portion everyday, I truly believe that " a little bit won't hurt." I have managed to lose 15 pounds in 5ish weeks, without denying myself the odd treat.
  • Amy911Gray
    Amy911Gray Posts: 685 Member
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    That kinda happened to me last night. Yes I love coconut shrimp with mango salsa and yes I love macadamia nut encrusted goat cheese with salsa and pita chips, and of course I love pina coladas with extra whipped cream.

    ...BUT...

    I guess I knew that these friends were really great people. And when I didn't partake, they seems happy for me that I didn't cave in, that I wasn't reaching for a bite, or a drink to challenge what I have started.

    Do what makes you comfortable...I call it "an over 30 attitude", which is when I realized I could say no, mean it, and not feel guilty about it...
  • fabulousfebe
    fabulousfebe Posts: 204
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    As a courtesy, you can take one itsy, bitsy bite, which will not sabatoge your efforts and at the same time being gracious to your friend. You never have to compromise your eating lifestyle. And there are days that I use as "treat" days..so I eat a small amount of what I like and back on track with my diet /new lifestyle change because we all veer off the path at times. best wishes :flowerforyou:
  • JulieBoBoo
    JulieBoBoo Posts: 642
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    I have the fall back of saying "oh I'm sorry, I'm diabetic" so people let it go pretty easily thank goodness. I suppose you could try "I'm really sorry but I would worry so much about screwing up my plan for today that I wouldn't even enjoy it -- your beautiful dessert deserves better." Course failing that there's just a simple repetition of "no thank you" over and over until they get the point.
  • harriet_tubman
    harriet_tubman Posts: 52
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    if anyone argues with me AFTER I tell them my version of, "no thanks", then I would just add a bit of "seriousness" to my tone of voice. Just be firm and say NO.

    I know you don't want to hurt their feelings but honestly, it's food, and they really shouldn't care whether or not you eat something that is not particularly healthy, especially if they know you are trying to lose weight.

    Another thing I always told friends/family in those situations was, "oh, I wish! but I'll be able to eat that soon enough, just not today" or something along those lines.

    You could also take and fake... I've done that with dinner, dessert, beer, etc... just be sneaky and throw it away in sections. yeah, it's wasteful, but if they're gonna get all offended because you won't eat their dessert, who cares...

    probably not the best advice, as my response is generally a very serious NO once they start trying to pressure/guilt me. It lets them know i am SERIOUS about this. I have had to "yell" at so many of my friends because they just don't understand why I don't want to eat chipotle or cake or whatever i don't want to eat...
  • wvjanie
    wvjanie Posts: 37 Member
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    If you have chosen to turn down any of these foods you might get in the habit of bringing along your own healthful dessert to share as well, so you will have something to enjoy, even if no one else takes any of yours (though I doubt that would be the case). I always did the same (bringing a vegetarian entree) as a courtesy when invited out as a vegetarian so my host didn't have to worry about what I could eat. Bring it with the attitude of helping, not being better than anyone else.
  • shanmont
    shanmont Posts: 66 Member
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    My thoughts exactly. Although, I am a huge baker...Love, love, love baking and it is such a stress relief for me. i have had many people in the past refuse an item and it really does not offend me that much either.
  • lil_pulp
    lil_pulp Posts: 701 Member
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    If you want some, have a small piece, eat it slowly and enjoy it. If you'll go crazy w/o logging it, make your best guess or just give yourself a set # of calories (like 500).

    If you don't want any but feel pressured to have some, say that you're too full at the moment, but that you'll take a piece to go. Then give it to someone at home or throw it away.

    -LP
  • nehushtan
    nehushtan Posts: 566 Member
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    Tell them you are trying to be careful but that you'll make an exception for their grandmother's sake. Eat two small spoonfuls in their presence and appreciate it fully. Count it as 150 "quick added calories".

    Whatever that dessert contains is not going to sabotage you with a small sample. Olive oil is one of the most calorie-dense items at 120 per tablespoon, and surely grandma's recipe is not pure butter and sugar.
  • lildrako
    lildrako Posts: 5 Member
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    my weakness is homemade peanut butter cookies . i have made an allowance in my calorie intake to include 2 cookies 3 times a week. I am not a big sweets eater,however with the holiday season fastly approaching it will be hard to not over indulge in all the good food being prepared.I have managed to lose 27lbs and have another 30 to go .I will get there
    :happy:
  • surfrgrl1
    surfrgrl1 Posts: 1,464 Member
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    Several options here:
    If it is something you would like, eat a small portion, as someone posted the other day, on a similar subject, its not poison it won't kill you. You can guess at the calories.


    or

    I'm really watching my weight, and I've done so well, that I just have to decline. But thank you so much.

    or

    You can claim that you are so full from dinner, that it would be nice if you could you take a little home for later.... (then you can do what you want with it outside of her presence)

    Now on the other hand, if there are ingredients in it you don't like, then just say so...... Oh it looks so good, but I don't eat xxxxx. There are plenty of people who don't like nuts, or certain textures of foods - we're human, we're weird that way. I have a coworker that doesn't eat chocolate, (dropped on her head at birth I think), but when it comes to salty stuff, she can't leave it alone.

    If I'm at work, and someone insists (and I don't want it) . I put it on a plate, take it to my desk, and later it hits the trash discreetly and gets covered up.(I work in an open cubicle area, so wouldn't want to insult someone by letting them see it in my trash)

    Speaking of coworkers. One of mine tried to 'bribe' me with his leftover lunch (day old Long John Silvers) if I would watch his desk while he was on vacation. I told him that was gross, and that he knew I was watching my food. And that he didn't need to bribe me to watch his desk. What a dufus. ANYWAY, totally got off the subject kind of.....

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