**CLOSED**October Shredders MiniChallenge 10/11/11**CLOSED G

I guess I missed out on the whole challenge bit, but I will share how I got as big as I did.

I could start this with once upon a time, but seeing as how we are all REAL and really are here to better ourselves, I will start with the day my father died 12 years ago.

I was thirteen when he passed. He was ill most of my life and therefore I spent most of my childhood in some hospital or another. Each birthday or holiday was spent in a sterile V.A. center. So in Feb of 1999 He left me. I was almost immediately placed on anti-depressants because of my anger. On top of that I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome at the age of 11 so I was on birth control too. Those two combo's plus depression started my path to becoming over weight.

Years go by I eventually stop the anti-depressants and BC and feel half way normal. I had moved to a new town, new school, new me. I began losing weight slowly due to all the club hoping on the weekends. For about 4 1/2 years I was at the dance club every friday and saturday. I would dance til three or four in the morning. I was always on the go. I kept my weight off very well.

In 2005 I got pregnant with my son. The pregnancy was fine. I never really gained weight. It was almost to the point that my doctor was trying to shove the calories in. I was not overweight, but I was not skinny either.
I had my son and was still in a size 14 pants. I stopped going to the Clubs and started working all the time. I slowly started gaining weight.

I met my husband, we married and I got pregnant again. This pregnancy was bad. I swelled up and gained weight like crazy. I retained so much water and ended up losing the function of my left Kidney. I had gained almost 50 pounds with her. I never could lose the water weight. I dealt.

Two years later, I got pregnant again with my second girl. I did not gain much weight, I mostly stayed where I was. Then I got fatter from depression. I had post partum depression. My marriage was in shambles and I hated myself. I chose not to care. If I was fat and ugly, my husband would not want me or want sex and I could be left alone.

Its been two years since the birth of my third child. I realized that I was the fattest person on my husbands side of the family. I could not run to keep up with my kids. I wanted to DIE!

So I went to the Doc and begged for help. I went to him the fist time and I weighed 302 pounds. I went back two weeks later I weighed 297 that was on September 16. I know weigh 280 pounds as of October 8. I have lost almost 17 pounds in less than a month. I am done with being fat. It can no longer rule me.

I have a tendency to be an emotional eater. So I make sure to stay calm all the time. I hope my story Inspires someone else to get the help they need to live a long healthy fullfilled life. I found mine, where's yours?

Whew Danielle, you brought out the big guns on this one. lol

Like I posted in my blog, I was always thin growing up. Okay, thin is probably the wrong word because I was called thick in HS but I wore a size 10, so yeah. I was an athlete and participated in year round swimming and softball. I was also a vegetarian in HS but that was not what kept me thin. I ate like **** because it was easy.

Then here comes college. Still a vegetarian, still eating like ****, unfortunately, the sports stopped. The weight gain was very slow but it was there. I gained 20-30 lbs in college. When I graduated, I lost weight by going to the gym every day and eating better. Then I started having issues and needed repeated laproscopies for endometriosis and I was having issues with my bladder. I stopped being a vegetarian and the weight still kept coming on. No matter how much I worked out or ate well, I still gained. My son's father, whom I was with at the time, never said anything. He didn't make comments about my weight except for once and was willing to help me when I needed it. I still don't know why there was so much gain.

I had my son in January of 2009 and I gained 30 lbs. during the pregnancy, which I lost while in the hospital. It was all water and fluid retention. During my pregnancy, I had problems with my kidneys and they didn't stop after Donovan was born. My specialist thinks it could have something to do with my inability to lose weight easily. Who knows.

In June, my mom and I took Donovan to Disney World. He absolutely loved it. I took tons of pictures of him but never wanted to be in pictures with him. How effing pathetic is that? My son will only have a handful of pictures of us together during his first two years because I felt like a cow. What a selfish ***** I am. I don't want to be that person. I want family pictures of my son and me. He is the absolute love of my life and I feel like I am cheating him. I don't want to be the fat mom, I don't want to embarrass my baby. The amazing thing is that I have no problem doing anything physical with him. We are active and run around and doing stuff outside. I am fit for a fat person I guess. lol But more than all that, I want to feel good about me. I want to love me. I want to adore me. Right now, I can barely stand me.

When I am faced with temptation, I think about continuing to be the fat mom. And every terrible thing I put in my mouth contributes to that and may contribute to D being fat one day. I cannot and will not allow that. I am not an emotional eater, I am definitely a bored eater. I have stopped the TV watching at night because it makes me want to snack. I am making better food decisions and limiting portions. Also, soda is gone. Unfortunately, giving up my alcohol is near impossible. I like my glass of wine at night. lol

I'll read/reply to this when I get my brain unjumbled..

MegSommer: our stories are very similar!

My weight had previously always fluctuated between 130-144, and everytime I got to the 144 point I would wake one morning, look in the mirror and think..."how did that happen?!" Then I would basically starve myself back to 130, until one day I would just binge and binge and binge and you guessed it...."How did that happen?!"

In July 2009 we started trying for a baby, and by August we were estatic to discover I was pregnant. As my beautiful daughter grew...so did I! And 2 weeks before I gave birth I weighed 172lbs, my daughter weighed 9.2lbs so I know why I needed the extra weight! After having her, I managed to get my weight back to 144 and there I stayed for a while. Feeling fed up, I started counting calories again and stumbled across this site. This site has helped me get passed my 130 mark and almost reach my ultimate size goal. And I am probaly eating the best I have ever done! And I'm now exercising too (previously unheard of!)

So that's me :-) and you are all an inspiration and great motivators :-) so thankyou!

And I like this challenge! It allows us to get to know each other a little more. It's my challenge tomorrow and I promise mine will be as nice as this one :-)

Keep up all the hard work everyone
Xx

Interesting mini-challenge. Can't wait to get home tonight and read about everybody's journey. My story will have to wait until then.

Trina

IT's funny when I was in high school I thought I was fat. HAHAHA. Good one, Natalie. Good one. I played 3 sports all through high school with swimming, basketball and golf. I ate WHATEVER I wanted!!!! When I went to college -- that didn't change. I am a sucker for sweets and I LOVE to bake. The only problem was I stopped working out. Oh and then there was that thing called beer. I think my freshman year I gained the typical 15. But it didn't stop there. Then it was the sophomore 15. Then it was the Junior 15. Before I knew it was 185 lbs. I just looked in the mirror one day and was like WHOA. Remember the old you? the 140 lb you? And so then I asked my dad if he would do a triathlon with me. I was never a runner and so I knew it would be challenging -- but with his help I knew I could do it. So we trained and I completed a sprint distance tri in 2008. By then I was down to about 165. Then I found MFP!!!! This site made me realize that even if you exercise you actually CAN'T eat anything you want. It was shocking to realize just what I was putting into my body and shocking to see how many calories you could eat if you wanted to lose. I mean if you eat out on a regular basis, chances are you were eating 3 times what you should in an entire day. Yikes! So since I joined I have lost another 15 lbs. I also completed my first half marathon in 2010, and then another in 2011. I never thought I would be a runner, but it was all in my head. I can do it - and so can anyone else. You just have to take it one step at a time. So currently I am at 149 and my ultimate goal is to be 135 by Christmas and to be a happier, healthier me!!!

We got this ladies! Great job so far!

I was thin all through school; sometimes a little too thin. It wasn't even on purpose, but when I look back on it, my family barely had enough money to feed us, much less very well. I think most of my "thinness" growing up was due to lack of nutrition and I was very busy in highschool.
When I started working, I started eating poorly because I had money to eat... so I ate junk. On top of that I had started taking birth control pills due to very bad cramps...
I gained lots of weight pretty quick. I gained something like 40 pounds in a year, and had no real knowledge of how to get it off.
I dieted and worked out a little to get about 20 of those pounds off; enough to join the Air Force.
I struggled the entire time I was in the Air Force to stay under the maximum weight, but had times of being fit. Although I did alright, I was never really passionate about working out and felt no real need to do it other than being forced to be a certain weight.
I had my son while in the Air Force and 6 months afterwards was at the end of my enlistment.
I gained a good bit of weight with Jack; 50 pounds (he weighed 8 lbs and 14 oz)... lost 25 right away afterwards but that was it.
When I got out of the Air Force and was staying home with my son, it was like I lost myself. I lost my ferver for living and didn't really care much about my health... I ended up gaining all of what I had lost after having him and was back up to the weight that I had had him at.
I then started working in an office and was sitting on my butt all day. I then added some more weight and ended up heavier than I ever was.
I started seeing myself getting heavier every time I stepped on the scale and I worked with the nursing group as a clerk so I started realizing that I needed to do something. My dad had a heart attack and was diagnosed as diabetic. I knew that he probably was for a while but it was out of site, out of mind until the doctor diagnosed him with it.
I could see myself going down this track. He was diabetic, his mother was diabetic, my mother's father was diabetic. If I didn't do something soon, I'd be following in those footsteps very soon.
I started making small changes.
I started walking more, and that seemed to help.
I was ready to have another child; my son was almost 3 and we knew we wanted another one.
I had my IUD taken out and it took a while for me to get pregnant; it scared me because I thought it might have something to do with my weight (come to find out it was not... it was just my body getting back to normal after the removal of the IUD), but it scared me further, so I knew it was time to do something.
I started a new job with the same company and was very busy; I walked more and had to move around more at work so it helped a ton. I got pregnant about a month after I got that job and during my entire pregnancy gained 11 pounds. She weighed 8 lbs 9 oz; So I basically lost weight with her. I was able to drop about 10 pounds at my 6 week appt with her. I started out after her gung ho to lose the extra weight from my first pregnancy, however I came down the Post Partum Depression.
It seemed I couldn't catch a break.
I was depressed all the time; I was angry, frustrated, upset, very anxious, and my outlook was very bleak.
I started taking anti-depression medication and had been nursing her. I started feeling better and decided to start college again (I had been going when I was pregnant and stopped). I started working out after she turned 6 months old (the age the daycare at the gym would take her) and started feeling better because of that.
I started to look and feel better and came off of my depression medication.
I realized something important. The more I did for myself, the better I felt.
I decided that this was my new passion.
I'm definitely going to make this a part of my new life. I want my kids to grow up in it, and I want to be involved in healthy activities for the rest of my life.
I absolutely am in love with fitness. So much so that I am going to get my group fitness certification. I have a blog on facebook where I share my journey and help inspire and motivate others to make healthy changes in their lives. I'm very excited about my future and about making fitness a bigger part of my life.

When I was in high school, I was thin, but when I turned 16 things started to change. I turned 16, got a car and became responsible for gas and insurance. I stopped running track and started working, at McDonald's...bad, bad, bad! Add to this, that my mom had me put on birth control because I was now in a serious relationship, and my weight started to increase slightly. I was still pretty thin, I think I ended high school at a size 8. And then I went to college.... I was working at a fast food place on campus and eating 1-2 meals a day there, not exercising (except to walk to classes), staying up late, and drinking A LOT! And the pounds came on quickly. I ended up getting pregnant and getting married. My pregnancy had a lot of complications, ending with me having an emergency C-section at 32 weeks due to pre-eclampsia. During the pregnancy I gained about 75 pounds. After I had my son, I had a month of eating out, sitting in the NICU all day and focusing on getting my baby healthy so we could take him home. Although I did lose some of the pregnancy weight (I had a lot of water weight because of the pre-eclampsia), it quickly came back on. As I had my next three children, I continued to pack on weight. I would have spurts where I would exercise for a while, but I never really watched what I ate. I would go to the gym and have a good workout and then go eat lunch at McDonald's, because I "deserved it after that workout". Obviously this was not an effective weight loss program :ohwell:

My wake up call came because of my kids. My oldest two kids (15 and 13) have become very conscious of their weight. My son started exercising (running, lifing) with my husband every morning and tries to stay at a certain weight because of wrestling. And then my daughter started talking about how fat she is (she absolutely is not fat!) So I started talking about being healthy, it doesn't matter how much you weigh, eat healthy, exercise, have a healthy lifestyle. All the time, I'm thinking I AM SUCH A HYPOCRIT!!! I have no credibility with them because I am not even close to practicing what I preach. I remember one time talking to my daughter about making healthier food choices and looking down at the bag of chips and dip that I was munching on thinking to myself "Really"? And then my 10 year old joined a running club at school, and has now started running. I make statements like, "Running is one of the best things you can do stay healthy." , as I have my a** planted in my recliner! And then my 7 year old decided he was going to join my husband and two other boys on their nightly runs. Everyone in the house was getting active, and trying to have a healthy lifestyle, except me! But I'm preaching it the whole time! The boys would often ask me if I wanted to join them on a run, or my husband (who loves me for me and has never said one negative thing about my weight or how my body looks ) would ask if I wanted to go to the gym with him, but of course I can't run and I always had an excuse as to why I didn't want to go to the gym. My daughter would say "Mom, let's go to the gym." But I just didn't want to or I was too tired or it was too late, or I could come up with a thousand other excuses as to why I couldn't....no why I wouldn't go.
I think all of those things together, just helped to open my eyes. There wan't a major event that served as an AHA Moment. I think I was just tired of preaching what I didn't practice. I want my kids to see that I'm trying to change my life. I want them to see that It didn't take a lot of effort to get as big as I am, but damn it's going to take a lot of effort to lose this weight and get healthy! I want them to understand what I mean when I say "I don't want you to EVER have to deal with being overweight and unhealthy because it is sooo hard to change it" . So when they see me doing 30DS and I can barely get through a workout, but I keep trying over and over, every night, I hope it is opening their eyes to what I mean. When they see me making healthier food choices, I hope they are understanding a little bit just how important everyday's choices are.
As far as why I eat, I am SSSSSOOOOOO an emotional eater!! When I feel stressed, angry, nervous, upset food is the first thing I turn to! I remember going through the monthly budget with my husband and saying "Hold on I've got to go find some chocolate, I just can't finish this without chocolate." I'm also a bored eater. If I'm bored, I go to the fridge or the cabinets. I'm not sure that I have a handle on how I am going to change these eating patterns. Except I have started drinking water before I go to the cabinets and if it is late at night and I start to want something to snack on, I just go to bed or get on MFP and start looking at success stories. This site and the friendships that I'm building are amazing. You guys are amazing!!:flowerforyou: I certainly wouldn't have stuck with this as much as I have with out all of you and the support that you give. I never would have started 30DS and kept with it, even through the soreness, without your encouragement!

I still have a long way to go and a lot to learn, but I hope this is the beginning to real life change. I'm hoping this is the start of a new and improved me!

Bump. Until I stop being jealous of all the people who grew up skinny.

I wrote this back in January of 2008 and it still rings true.

I am hungry when I wake up at 5 a.m. and so I eat. I am hungry again at 9 and so I eat. Again at 12 and so I eat. It is now 3, I am hungry and so I eat and again at 5 or 6 and once more before bed though I may not be hungry I still eat.

I am an emotional eater. I eat when I am hungry. I eat when I'm not. I eat when I'm bored or angry. I eat when I'm sad. I just eat. Eating helps to heal. Eating scabs over the wounds of heartbreak and eating swallows the boredom, the anxiety, the desperation felt within. Eating suppresses the primal scream waiting to burst forth from the back of my throat. Eating numbs all the problems of the world. Slices of rich apple pie, cookies, ice cream, tops of cakes at work, chocolate. All of it helps to make me feel better. At least in the present moment and then later surrounded by empty cartons and wrappers, a twinge. One of guilt and shame for having eaten though I'm not hungry at all.

Emotional eating is a silent secret shared by many and I am one of those many. I do not deny. I will not deny. I do it all the time. Eating this or that. Nibbling here or there. You would think that it doesn't add up, doesn't really count and then you face yourself in the mirror. Clothes off, naked, exposed, vulnerable, alone. Your arms wrapping around your body trying to hide the imperfections, the rolls of fat, the stretch marks on the stomach and thighs, road map of where you were and where you've been. The changing face of your body as it grows, expands, contracts. Heat rises to your cheeks. Embarrassed by what you've become. Stare into the mirror. Silent words whispered in the night. Promises to change your habits, your eating, promises to exercise, to buy fruits and vegetables. Promises, empty words.

The truth . . . Comfortable. You've become comfortable in this body and the way you look, all the imperfections you find the comfort in them and try as hard as you can to change and maybe you do for a day, a week, month, year, you cycle back to what you were. Because it is a comfortable place to be and old habits are hard to break and through all the pain and the promises the whispers in the night. The food is still there and beckoning calling out your name.

My name is Amber and I am an emotional eater.

However, the last part is no longer true.

I became uncomfortable with what I saw. I became uncomfortable with what I saw when I was out of high school and into the so called real world even if it was just a step into another 4 year program of university. I continued the eating but I was uncomfortable and so I would diet or not eat or eat and eat until I felt like I would be sick. A continious battle. I'm sure the depo shot didn't help and probably still doesn't but I manage with it.

I really became uncomfortable with my weight and being naked after I graduated. I hated looking into the mirror and I still do. I hate the way my stomach is like a ball rolling over at times the waistband of my pants. I hate the way my thighs are and my arms that jiggle. I hate the rolls I see in the mirror when I look behind me. I hate it.

And so into the darkness I went. I went and sank deep into depression over my life and my body. I sank into that state until July of 2008. July of 2008 I met a wonderful loving man and I should have known better. He was married but his wife had gone to North Carolina to be with her own boyfriend. We met an odd sort of circumstance he and I. An innocent Ad on Craigslist. He the owner of an antique store and me nothing more than a trembling butterfly hiding in her shell. I went to the store on the pretense that I wanted to look and see what he had in the store. I remember I bought a book Shakespeare's Hamlet - an old copy falling apart and I bought a water pitcher with flowers and draongflies on it. Symbolic much? Perhaps and perhaps not.

I remember I went up to the register and paid for my purchases with debit card. He asked if I was the one he'd been speaking with. I told him yes. We talked for hours that day and talked for hours upon hours when I wasn't working and he wasn't tending to his kids that his wife had left.

I loved him more than anything and he loved me or so I thought and then he got a call on a warm summer day. It was his wife. She was coming back. I remember and I knew it was the end. It was a couple of weeks before it happened but it happened and I like a wounded animal went home to lick my wounds with food.

I loved him I still do. I know getting involved with a married man isn't the best of cirumstance but he is still the only man to ever make me feel beautiful and I know I shouldn't need a man to make me feel that way but he did.

I haven't talked to him in ages but the pain continued and back to the food it was. Ashamed. I still used it for comfort.

I used it for comfort until I met Daniel. Daniel and I have been together almost three years. It'll be three years the day after Thanksgiving. I actually met him through a friend of his. He told me "You know it won't work with him, you're to smart for him." The truth is he was right. His friend was sweet albeit a bit naive and a pretty boy. So, yes I did end it with his friend and we started seeing each other. His friend and I are still friends as strange as that might seem but he's a good guy with a kind heart that friend of his.

Since being with Daniel I'm doing my best not to turn to food for comfort. I'm trying my best to work into healthier habits. I'm trying my best to lose the weight.

I'm tired of being uncomfortable with my body and so here I am. I am here with all of you whom I now consider friends and whom I know will probably make a comment or two about John but I was young and I've learned since then and I've found better in Daniel.

I first started MFP at 225 lbs. I am now at 215 lbs. My goal is 175-160 lbs. I hope to get there and I hope you all will still support and continue to be my friends.

I love you all!

xo
Amber

P.S.

Nobody has ever been told about John aside from Daniel. Please don't dislike me to much now for my past.