Fitness, eating and moving on from an ED

Hi All,

I keep reading articles that say I should find an online support group to discuss my goals, so here I am.

Where I am coming from:
Two years ago I was in the thick of an eating disorder. I lost 20 pounds exercising 2 times a day (at least), in college, eating obsessively clean, dealing with a breakup and perfectionism. I went to Berkeley, so I feel I was dealing with the same obsession so many other super accomplished women go through. I had been trying to lose some weight (5-10 pounds at most), but I continued to exercise a ton and control calorie intake. Seeing the scale drop and drop gave me the sense of control I was looking for at the time.

But after I graduated, I didn't have the 2 exercise classes a day and started putting the weight back on. I couldn't find a job and started dealing with the surfacing relationship issues I buried.

I have since gained about 30 pounds. I am now between 140-145 at 5'3" and happy to say I'm over the above issues. I don't want to be skinny, tired, with cold dry skin and antisocial tendencies. I like cooking with others, cycling, I have a job, an apartment and a very loving supportive boyfriend. I am so glad I am not in that dark place any more, but I still know that I am unhappy at my weight. I know starving myself would get my weight down but its not even an option. First and formost I want to be healthy and enjoy my life.

I have been a cyclist for 4 years now so I have good cardiovascular endurance and picked up running very recently. I started running about 4 miles every other day, for about 2 weeks, and this past Sunday went running in the park with a friend but my knee started to hurt and by the end of the run, I was limping home. I have been icing it for 2 days and I'm still limping. I guess I overdid it!

I have also been trying to log calories the past month or so, but no matter what I tend to eat to maintenance. In the evenings I tend to snack. If I have eaten all my calories for the day, I start to feel like I am depriving myself... so I'll go to the kitchen and grap a few dates, then its a few crackers, a hot cocoa, then before you know it I've eaten another 500 calories...whether I work out or not, I'll always hit or go over maintenance.

I reduced my deficit from -1 pound a week to -0.5 pound per week to see if maybe a gradual loss would help. Unfortunately with the knee injury, I'm not exercising and still hungry. During the day I usually eat pretty healthy - scrambled eggs/veggies/cheese breakfast, coffee, a fruit for a snack, lunch is either a sandwich with protein/veggies and an iced tea or a trader joe's salad lite on the dressing, then after work I'll have another snack (nuts, cheese, grapes, or a clif bar) and then I'll make dinner (salmon, veggies, rice or another sandwich, etc). By that time I'm usually at my calorie total and start to snack... chocolate, dates, cheese, cereal, fat free frozen yogurt, ginger chew candies.... I tend to drink hot cocoa every evening because its relaxing, I can make it pretty low cal and it satisfies my craving for chocolate/sugar, and makes me feel a little fuller.

What I'd like is to drop a pants size. I'm 26 now and I don't want to be totally slim like before. I don't need to be 112. What I'd like is to see myself at the weight I started at before all the dieting and overexercising. 127-130 would be a happy, healthy weight for me. Usually I do a spin class, go for a 3 mile run/2 mile walk. Considering the injury I think running is out for a while, but I could do elliptical and spin still. I know I need to add weight training in, but how can I cut calories without feeling deprived at night, obsessing, and feeling defeated as my weight doesn't seem to change? I've been at it for a while now trying to count calories but I'm always back at square one....

Thanks for listening! I'm ready to do this and would love to meet people and find support.
bookdame-