Distant brother

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geogal95
geogal95 Posts: 47 Member
in Chit-Chat
Here's my dilemma. I live in NH. My only brother lives in MA (about 2 hour drive). His birthday is this weekend. I saw him last year by showing up unexpectedly and we had a nice visit. Then our Dad (who is a widower) asked who his grandkids were. He wanted pictures and names and stuff. It was always our mom who handled this. Anyway, I gave him a list and it included my brothers child from an affair 10 yrs ago. I included her as a grandchild because she is. Well him and his wife saw this and since then, no one in the family will respond to my emails or calls. I was thinking of showing up unexpectedly again for his birthday this year. What do you think? Should I? or should I just accept that he will hold this grudge and I may never speak to my brother again??

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  • ket_the_jet
    ket_the_jet Posts: 1,257 Member
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    I say show up. But I like contention.
    -wtk
  • lizsmith1976
    lizsmith1976 Posts: 497 Member
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    I'm really sorry :( I would not show up. Just send a card with a personal note explaining that you would like to be there and would love to re-build the relationship with his family, and hopefully over the next year you can do that so you can be there for his next birthday with no uncomfortable feelings.

    So many people don't know or understand what unconditional love is and write people out of their lives. At least you haven't, even though they have. Best of luck.
  • macpatti
    macpatti Posts: 4,280 Member
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    I wouldn't potentially ruin his birthday by showing up if he's obviously upset with you. I'd try sending a card with a letter. Not sure it was cool of you to include his daughter in a list to your dad without asking him first. I can see why they'd be upset. I would work on forgiveness before just showing up. Good luck to you.
  • sarah44254
    sarah44254 Posts: 3,078 Member
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    weird guy. that person IS a grandchild. nothing to get upset over.

    if you had a good time, go again! and if they are sh!tty to you then leave early, find a fun place in town (to make the drive worth it) and go home happy.
  • Brandysmith1985
    Brandysmith1985 Posts: 17 Member
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    I would not do it by surprise, just because of the situation. I would try to smooth things out a bit first then surprise him or send the card or make a phone call :)
  • jakejacobsen
    jakejacobsen Posts: 595 Member
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    Do what will allow you peace, tomorrow isn't promised to anyone. If your not ok with never seeing him its best to attempt to reconnect if your ok with how things are now don't worry about it. I had a similar distance with my mom then she passed and we never really reconnected it still bugs me from time to time and she has been gone over 5 years.
  • stef_3
    stef_3 Posts: 173
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    I say show up. You did nothing wrong and if doesn't see it like that then it's his loss. He's the one that an affair that produced a child. That child still is his and your dads grandchild. That's a mistake he has to live with the rest of his life.
  • michele_lynn
    michele_lynn Posts: 66 Member
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    The child is his child whether or not he likes to admit it. He can't just pretend a human being isn't his just because he's embarrassed by his actions. Show up for his birthday, and if he's mad at you, then leave and let him think about the pain HE caused, not you. You conveyed fact, not fiction. I wonder if he is in the child's life or if he pretends she doesn't exist even to her.
  • geogal95
    geogal95 Posts: 47 Member
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    thanks to all for your advice. To answer some questions... My brother has no part in her life. Pretends she does not exist. My niece is 11 now and a beautiful girl. She knows who her dad is and she has accepted it. My dad knows and has accepted it as did everyone else in the family. I do not KNOW he is mad at me. He usually does not have contact with us and usually just says he is busy. The timing just indicates to me that this is the case. His wife and other children have befriended me on facebook. None of them return my emails or phone calls. I think if I mail him a card it will either get intercepted by the Mrs or he will get it but won't respond. I need to know how he feels. My brother contacts no one in our family and there are 4 kids and my dad. So its hard to know if he is mad or not. But he is my big brother and I miss and love him so much. I think if I call they will not answer or they will say they are busy that day. I am hoping he is home and with open arms like last year. If not I will know I tried my best. Also my dad lives down there about a half hour away so it won't be a wasted trip. I will visit him as well.
  • BigDaddyBRC
    BigDaddyBRC Posts: 2,395 Member
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    Show up. Just because your brother cannot face his own demons doesn't mean that the ties should be cut. I have POS brother, but he's family. And I will always be there through thick and thin.

    I believe you did right. The child is part him... 'nough said.
  • michele_lynn
    michele_lynn Posts: 66 Member
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    Sounds like your brother is a real winner of a guy. :(
  • geogal95
    geogal95 Posts: 47 Member
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    Honestly I have to say... after that event happened, his wife separated from him, and he became my brother again. We saw each other and talked on the phone, but she vowed to keep thier kids from him if he had any contact with this other one, and he missed them terribly. So they got back together and I haven't really heard from him since (other than our moms funeral). I'm sure she has a big part of this. But, he is my brother and that was his decision, and I will stick by him no matter what. So if I have to knock on his door to say happy birthday and to see him, even if just once a year, then I'll take it. Regardless of the distance we have, I will always have a special place for my big brother. And I will tell him that, IF I see him. Funny thing is... this little girl sees her grandpa (my dad) more than any of the other grandchildren. Go figure. Thank you to everyone. You were a BIG help.
  • geogal95
    geogal95 Posts: 47 Member
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    update: went to see my brother. Although his wife snubbed me and disappeared, he was fine. He says we are fine. He was happy to see me. We had a nice visit. His phone number had changed. That's why he didn't respond to me. I have the right number. All in all a good visit. I'm glad I went! Thanks everyone!
  • DWilbanks
    DWilbanks Posts: 420 Member
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    Glad to see everything worked out for you.:smile:
  • michele_lynn
    michele_lynn Posts: 66 Member
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    Wow, I stand corrected then, sounds like your brother is doing the best he can given the circumstances. It's his wife that's chilly.

    Glad you made the leap, and glad the familial bond is still strong for you and your bro! <3

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