Co-worker/friend comment is upsetting

lizziebeth1028
lizziebeth1028 Posts: 3,602 Member
edited October 4 in Chit-Chat
On New Years Day I lost my sister unexpectedly to heart failure. She was 59. It was devastating to our family. That being said, I have a co-worker/friend who had lost her beloved dog (of 12 years) a couple of months before my sister's passing. I am a huge animal lover and mommy to 2 cats and recently lost my pet bunny of 9 years:( I know how devastating it is to loose a pet, they are family members too. But...... she constantly compares her loss to mine. She asked about my New Years plans and I told her we were keeping it low key as it marks the one year anniversary of my sister's passing. She said Oh I don't know what I'm going to do with the holidays and all it's going to be so hard with out our 'Tasha'. She continually makes statements like these and will ask how my Mom is taking it and then say yes it's just so hard for us too, I'm still trying to get over 'Tasha'.

I get it. I love my pets. But in no way would I compare them to someone's loss of a sister or child...wife or mother. And I certainly would never say out loud to someone grieving the loss of a sister, child ect that 'I know your pain, my dog died'. It's insensitive to compare the 2 losses.

That's my rant, needed to get it off my chest! Thank you message board therapist!

Replies

  • Shannon023
    Shannon023 Posts: 14,529 Member
    :noway: :noway: I can't believe the gall of your co-worker! :explode: What a self-centered $&*@!!

    My condolences to your and your family. :flowerforyou:
  • lakersfan4life
    lakersfan4life Posts: 322 Member
    unfortunately, some are oblivious to anyone or anything but themselves...........

    My condolences for your loss
  • godblessourhome
    godblessourhome Posts: 3,892 Member
    sorry for your loss.
  • Jennloella
    Jennloella Posts: 2,286 Member
    oh I don't think she is at all trying to belittle your loss. Sounds to me like she is trying to relate to you and offer you her form of support, sometimes we want people to know that we empathize and care, and if this is the most parallel thing she has then that's what she will use. Everyone sees pets differently, it's really not any more fair to her to claim her loss is less than yours, it all depends on the person. If you are seriously that irked by it, maybe a good heart to heart is in order before you lose a friend?
  • lizsmith1976
    lizsmith1976 Posts: 497 Member
    She is insensitive and selfish :( I'm sorry for the loss of your sister. Please reach out to support to your MFP friends if you need it during the holidays or any time. I have 3 sisters and cannot imagine your loss or pain.
  • tuffytuffy1
    tuffytuffy1 Posts: 920 Member
    :noway: There are people who just don't understand. I have people try to compare their dogs to having a child, and it just is not the same. I'm sorry she keeps trying to either one-up you or compare the two losses, which are clearly not equal. I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister, how devastating.
  • Nic620
    Nic620 Posts: 553 Member
    Wow she sounds like an *kitten*@$&!!

    I hope you and your family find the strength to get thur these upcoming Holidays. It will be hard no doubt. I hope you all find comfort in all the memories of her that bring smiles to your faces:flowerforyou:
  • lizziebeth1028
    lizziebeth1028 Posts: 3,602 Member
    Thank you everyone for your condolences!!
  • L2M1D52
    L2M1D52 Posts: 616 Member
    I'm sorry for your loss. Sometimes a person is oblivious to how they are coming off. While some people would think in no way I would compare the two, someone like her may think she's relating to you. She may not have lost a person in the family and doesn't completely realize it can be a different feeling of loss than a pet.
  • 42hockeymom
    42hockeymom Posts: 521 Member
    #1, I'm so very sorry you lost your sister. I hope you're healing. I know it's a slow process, I lost a very close family member, too. Day by day is how I had to do it, heck sometimes it was minute by minute.

    #2, I don't know your co-workers situation, but she may have felt that "Tasha" was all she had when it comes to what she has in the world family wise. So that being said, I'm not justifying her actions, but I am trying to look at from a different angle. You're right, losing a pet, and losing a close family member are not the same. I lost both in a one month period.

    or #3, she might just be a self-centered *kitten*. But, what are you going to do? Is she someone you could have a talk with, making sure that your statements are ownership based? Or is she someone that that would just go right over her head?
  • Rikki444
    Rikki444 Posts: 326 Member
    oh I don't think she is at all trying to belittle your loss. Sounds to me like she is trying to relate to you and offer you her form of support, sometimes we want people to know that we empathize and care, and if this is the most parallel thing she has then that's what she will use. Everyone sees pets differently, it's really not any more fair to her to claim her loss is less than yours, it all depends on the person. If you are seriously that irked by it, maybe a good heart to heart is in order before you lose a friend?


    That is how I read this, too. Death is something so difficult to deal with.....and as one offering support.... often we feel inadequate but she is trying.... I think.... to empethize.... not to make a one-and-the-same comparison.

    I'm sorry for your loss.
  • lizziebeth1028
    lizziebeth1028 Posts: 3,602 Member
    Thank you for the input everyone. I'm sure she has the best intentions. She doesn't have any children and is not close to her sisters so this maybe the only way she can relate. But it did feel good getting it off my shoulders!
  • LauraMacNCheese
    LauraMacNCheese Posts: 7,173 Member
    My deepest sympathies on the loss of your sister. I lost one of my brothers 6 years ago and it was a total shock as well...he died on his 45th birthday of a heart attack. I lost my dad when I was 14 (I'm 33 now; but sometimes it still feels like it was yesterday). And my friends really didn't know how to act around me for quite a while after he passed.

    That being said...some people just don't know how to behave around people who've lost a family member. I really don't think your co-worker is trying to belittle your loss. I think she was just trying to offer sympathy; albeit in a very awkward way. Try not to dwell too much on it...and if you ever need to bend someone's ear, please feel free to PM me any time. We can shout, rant, cry & all that.
  • lizziebeth1028
    lizziebeth1028 Posts: 3,602 Member
    #1, I'm so very sorry you lost your sister. I hope you're healing. I know it's a slow process, I lost a very close family member, too. Day by day is how I had to do it, heck sometimes it was minute by minute.

    #2, I don't know your co-workers situation, but she may have felt that "Tasha" was all she had when it comes to what she has in the world family wise. So that being said, I'm not justifying her actions, but I am trying to look at from a different angle. You're right, losing a pet, and losing a close family member are not the same. I lost both in a one month period.

    or #3, she might just be a self-centered *kitten*. But, what are you going to do? Is she someone you could have a talk with, making sure that your statements are ownership based? Or is she someone that that would just go right over her head?

    I'm so sorry for your losses too! It is a day by day, step by step process. Good days and bad days. I'm thankful for so many wonderful memories!
  • _SusieQ_
    _SusieQ_ Posts: 2,964 Member
    I hate that she isn't more sensitive to your situation. Having said that, I would be more upset over losing my dog than my sister. Judge me if you want, but my sister adds no value to my life right now, other than bringing 3 beautiful children into my life. My dog however is my child. I only say this to point out that possibly this person believes in their heart the loss is the same. Still yet, social norms should tell her that even if she thinks it, she shouldn't say it out loud!

    Sorry for your loss.
  • trulabfloyd
    trulabfloyd Posts: 50
    You are totally right. I think maybe she is trying to be nice and to relate to what you are going through, but she probably has no idea. I lost a child at birth many years ago and was shocked at the coarseness of those around me to my pain. My mother had lost a mother father and siblings and was still very cruel to me until she recently lost my brother (I lost him too) and has been devastated. Now she knows but before that she really didn't. So like Jesus said :Forgive them they know not what they are doing" So forgive her and just don't bring it up any more to her. Sorry about your loss. Sisters are like best friends for life. Though we fight I love mine a lot.
    Look at it this way. You are 5 ft 8 inches and weigh nearly the same as me and still want to lose weight??? You must be like a movie star in person and she is probably capping on you because she is jealous!!! Oh and BLOND too!!!!
    :flowerforyou:
  • lizziebeth1028
    lizziebeth1028 Posts: 3,602 Member
    You are totally right. I think maybe she is trying to be nice and to relate to what you are going through, but she probably has no idea. I lost a child at birth many years ago and was shocked at the coarseness of those around me to my pain. My mother had lost a mother father and siblings and was still very cruel to me until she recently lost my brother (I lost him too) and has been devastated. Now she knows but before that she really didn't. So like Jesus said :Forgive them they know not what they are doing" So forgive her and just don't bring it up any more to her. Sorry about your loss. Sisters are like best friends for life. Though we fight I love mine a lot.
    Look at it this way. You are 5 ft 8 inches and weigh nearly the same as me and still want to lose weight??? You must be like a movie star in person and she is probably capping on you because she is jealous!!! Oh and BLOND too!!!!
    :flowerforyou:

    Thank you for your kind words Trulabfloyd!! And I'm so sorry about the loss of your child and brother, so sad!! You're right, people don't often know quite what to say. Until you've gone through a 'shocking' loss you can't always relate, but you still want to say something comforting.

    And Girl, you rock too!!!!
  • Johnnyswife
    Johnnyswife Posts: 1,447 Member
    Thank you for the input everyone. I'm sure she has the best intentions. She doesn't have any children and is not close to her sisters so this maybe the only way she can relate. But it did feel good getting it off my shoulders!
    I think this is what it is as well. She's probably trying to relate to you and she only has that to go on. I lost my brother in a motercycle accident over 9 years ago. Still I wouldn't/coulnd't tell you that I know how you feel. Everyone is different and we all feel pain differently.

    I am sorry for your loss.:flowerforyou:
  • Dencrossgirl
    Dencrossgirl Posts: 501 Member
    So sorry for your loss, sounds likes she is looking for a way to relate. Some people are nasty, some are stupid, and some are just clueless sometimes. I am guilty of being clueless sometimes, just so many things happening at once, you don't think clearly enough.
  • allie1904
    allie1904 Posts: 248
    There are lots of people out there which only experience of death and dying is the loss of an animal, so when confronted with trying to offer empathy and support, the loss of a pet may be their only experience to try and realte to you with.

    I honestly think that the intention was there but she didn't have the experience to be able to relate to you properly.

    Hope you have a lovely new years :)
  • coloradocuppiecake
    coloradocuppiecake Posts: 129
    Maybe the dog was like a child to her.
    You cannot discount her loss. Yes losing a sibling is very hard. I lost my brother a year ago. But,
    I know when my dog passes, I will probably need to be sedated. No one should ever compare grief. Its like comparing love.
    You only know what your own heart feels. Im sorry you lost your sister. Im sorry she lost her dog.
  • dmariewelch
    dmariewelch Posts: 1 Member
    Good grief! I love animals just as much as anyone. We lost our dog this summer after 18 years. Was is hard? Of course. Do we still miss him? Absolutely! Is the loss of our dog comparable to, say, the loss of a parent, child, sibling, friend, or any other person close to you? No! And I'm not dissing the loss of pets. I understand the difficulty of loss. But please, there is a huge difference between an animal loss and a human loss!. To compare the two is insensitive, at best. Grieving the loss of a loved one is a lifelong process. It may lessen over years, but it always hurts.
  • lizziebeth1028
    lizziebeth1028 Posts: 3,602 Member
    Good grief! I love animals just as much as anyone. We lost our dog this summer after 18 years. Was is hard? Of course. Do we still miss him? Absolutely! Is the loss of our dog comparable to, say, the loss of a parent, child, sibling, friend, or any other person close to you? No! And I'm not dissing the loss of pets. I understand the difficulty of loss. But please, there is a huge difference between an animal loss and a human loss!. To compare the two is insensitive, at best. Grieving the loss of a loved one is a lifelong process. It may lessen over years, but it always hurts.

    Wow, look who's on the message board lol!!! Anyway.....well said!!!!!!

    And this friend that I'm referencing is my uh...perpetually dieting friend..you know bucket of fried chicken and garlic bread cuz she's on a diet friend. She just generally odd.
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