Humor - Give it your best shot!

Options
pixardad
pixardad Posts: 184 Member
in Chit-Chat
Through the events of this morning, I figured a good joke is a great way to get someone out of a "mood", "funk", "the dumps", call it whatever. So rather than posting it on my board, I figured I'd put it here and let everyone join in.

Let's help pull each other up a bit and post a joke that makes you laugh. Try to keep it clean (oops, just lost many of you :wink: )

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "I'm a computer engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool!"
«1

Replies

  • mmuzzy1068
    mmuzzy1068 Posts: 39
    Options
    Cute!
  • KMSForLife
    KMSForLife Posts: 605
    Options
    Borrowed from an MFP friend (sure hope she doesn't mind!) -

    George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and George Bush are in a plane. The pilot says that the passengers must lighten their load. so the three presidents decide to drop one item. George Washington drops a quarter Abe Lincoln drops a penny George Bush drops a grenade.

    When the presidents land, they find someone holding their head and cursing.

    George Washington asks the man what's wrong. "I was walking down the street when a quarter falls from the sky and hits my head!"

    So the presidents continue down the road and find someone hopping on one foot, holding the other, cursing. Abe Lincoln asks "What happened?" "I was standing on my porch barefoot when a penny falls from the sky and hits it!"

    The presidents continue once more and find a young boy laughing hysterically. George Bush asks "What's so funny?" The boy replies "I farted and my house exploded!!!
  • manderson27
    manderson27 Posts: 3,510 Member
    Options
    PROBLEMS!!! PROBLEMS!!!!

    Only in Britain
    Complaints to Councils - extracts from real letters written
    to local councils:

    1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

    2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
    knob off.

    3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he
    put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

    4. Their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my
    fence.

    5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I
    think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

    6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

    7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

    8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped
    and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

    9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

    10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are
    just
    plain filthy.

    11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

    12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
    cleared.

    13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour
    and not fit to drink.

    14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

    15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at
    6am his **** wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

    16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
    unsightly and dangerous.

    17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a
    third,
    so please send someone round to do something about it.

    18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please
    do
    something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

    19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my
    wife.

    20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still
    have no satisfaction.

    21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't
    get BBC2.

    22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
    fungus growing in it.

    23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't
    take it anymore.
  • wbgolden
    wbgolden Posts: 2,071 Member
    Options
    Here's a real-life story from when I was 15 that people always find funny (and I'd say it's fairly clean):

    A couple of coworkers and I were talking about getting in trouble as teenagers and the punishments we got. It reminded me of something that happened when I was fifteen or sixteen.

    I wore braces for a couple of years, as many kids do. After about the first painful year, I had to start using those stupid rubber bands. I don't know what the reason for them was, but Dr. Everett said I should so I did. To be clear, they were the ones that connect between the top and bottom teeth, not the ones that you kids these days get that change the color of your braces to fit your mood or whatever.

    Anyway...the rubber bands came in different sizes and the size of the rubber bands in each package was indicated by a different animal picture (i.e. monkey, sheep, dog, etc.). One fateful day, Dr. E gave me a package with a picture of a ram on it.

    I guess I must have left them in the pocket of some jeans I put in the laundry because about three days later, my mom called me in her room and sat me down. She asked me what I had been up to lately. I, being the perfect son that I was, told her (most of) the things that I'd been doing at that point in my life. I only left out the pot I'd been smoking but no mom needs to hear that.

    She told me she didn't believe that's all I'd been doing. I was starting to get paranoid that she had found a bag or a pipe or something. I asked her "what makes you say that, mom?"

    She said "I know what you've been up to. You've been having SEX!"

    I said "Um....no."

    Slowly, for dramatic effect, she pulled out a laundry-beaten bag of my "ram" sized rubber bands and demanded to know what in the hell they were.

    Again, being the perfect son, I told her the truth. "They're rubber bands for my braces, mom."

    Mistaking the ram for the name brand "Ramses," she thought they were condoms. I started laughing my *kitten* off. "Mom...there's like 200 in there....and they're only a quarter inch wide!!"

    My mom thought I had a small weiner. Thanks, Mom.

    On the other hand, she apparently also thought I was a small-weinered-scoring-with-the-chicks machine that actually needed 200 tiny condoms. Thanks, Mom!!
  • PhilipByrne
    PhilipByrne Posts: 276 Member
    Options
    A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. 

    The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
    "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
    He slams the door and returns to bed.
    "Who was that?" asked his wife..
    "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
    "Did you help him?" she asks.
    "No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"
    "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? 
    I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
    God loves drunk people too , you know.
    The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
    He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
    "Yes," comes back the answer.
    "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband..
    "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
    "Where are you?" asks the husband.
    "Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
  • myofibril
    myofibril Posts: 4,500 Member
    Options
    A man walks into a bedroom carrying a pig wearing a bow. His wife puts down her book, looks up exasperated and frowns at her husband.

    "This is the cow I have to sleep with when you have a headache" he says.
    "I think you'll find that's a pig" says his wife

    to which her husband replies "I think you'll find I was talking to the pig"
  • PhilipByrne
    PhilipByrne Posts: 276 Member
    Options
    Manderson27,

    "7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. "


    This one made me laugh and tea came out my nose. Thanks.
  • vaderandbill
    vaderandbill Posts: 1,063 Member
    Options
    **disclaimer** This is not meant to offend anyone. A friend of mine and I often share jokes that are a little racial in nature (my friend is black) so that we can get a good laugh. We also compare slurs that we've heard.

    **So again, don't read on if you offend easily** the OP only said to keep it clean. I have changed all the racial slurs to more appropriate terminology.


    There's these three guys, a Mexican, a white guy and a black guy. and they walk along the beach, they see this pot, they rub it, genie comes out. Genie says, "You wish for anything you want."

    So, he asks, Mexican what-what he wants, and he goes, "I want all my people in America to be happy and free and in Mexico." And so, genie goes - Poof! And, all the Mexicans are in Mexico.

    And then he asks the black guy, "What do you want?" And he goes, "I want all my African-brothers in America to be back in Africa and happy." So, genie goes poof! And all the blacks in America are in Africa.

    So the genie says to the white guy, "What's your one wish?" And the white guy goes, "You mean to tell me all the blacks and Mexicans are out of America?" Genie goes, "Yeah." He says, "Well, um, I'll have a Coke, then."
  • Jennyisbusy
    Jennyisbusy Posts: 1,294 Member
    Options
    22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
    fungus growing in it.

    :sick:
  • jaxdiablo
    jaxdiablo Posts: 580
    Options
    A salmon is swimming up stream, he runs into a brick wall. "Damn."
  • PhilipByrne
    PhilipByrne Posts: 276 Member
    Options
    What's brown and sticky?
  • PhilipByrne
    PhilipByrne Posts: 276 Member
    Options
    A stick.
  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,788 Member
    Options
    The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
  • TheRoadDog
    TheRoadDog Posts: 11,788 Member
    Options
    **disclaimer** This is not meant to offend anyone. A friend of mine and I often share jokes that are a little racial in nature (my friend is black) so that we can get a good laugh. We also compare slurs that we've heard.

    **So again, don't read on if you offend easily** the OP only said to keep it clean. I have changed all the racial slurs to more appropriate terminology.


    There's these three guys, a Mexican, a white guy and a black guy. and they walk along the beach, they see this pot, they rub it, genie comes out. Genie says, "You wish for anything you want."

    So, he asks, Mexican what-what he wants, and he goes, "I want all my people in America to be happy and free and in Mexico." And so, genie goes - Poof! And, all the Mexicans are in Mexico.

    And then he asks the black guy, "What do you want?" And he goes, "I want all my African-brothers in America to be back in Africa and happy." So, genie goes poof! And all the blacks in America are in Africa.

    So the genie says to the white guy, "What's your one wish?" And the white guy goes, "You mean to tell me all the blacks and Mexicans are out of America?" Genie goes, "Yeah." He says, "Well, um, I'll have a Coke, then."

    The disclaimer was a nice touch, but doesn't make it any less offensive.
  • mommared53
    mommared53 Posts: 9,543 Member
    Options
    Here's a real-life story from when I was 15 that people always find funny (and I'd say it's fairly clean):

    A couple of coworkers and I were talking about getting in trouble as teenagers and the punishments we got. It reminded me of something that happened when I was fifteen or sixteen.

    I wore braces for a couple of years, as many kids do. After about the first painful year, I had to start using those stupid rubber bands. I don't know what the reason for them was, but Dr. Everett said I should so I did. To be clear, they were the ones that connect between the top and bottom teeth, not the ones that you kids these days get that change the color of your braces to fit your mood or whatever.

    Anyway...the rubber bands came in different sizes and the size of the rubber bands in each package was indicated by a different animal picture (i.e. monkey, sheep, dog, etc.). One fateful day, Dr. E gave me a package with a picture of a ram on it.

    I guess I must have left them in the pocket of some jeans I put in the laundry because about three days later, my mom called me in her room and sat me down. She asked me what I had been up to lately. I, being the perfect son that I was, told her (most of) the things that I'd been doing at that point in my life. I only left out the pot I'd been smoking but no mom needs to hear that.

    She told me she didn't believe that's all I'd been doing. I was starting to get paranoid that she had found a bag or a pipe or something. I asked her "what makes you say that, mom?"

    She said "I know what you've been up to. You've been having SEX!"

    I said "Um....no."

    Slowly, for dramatic effect, she pulled out a laundry-beaten bag of my "ram" sized rubber bands and demanded to know what in the hell they were.

    Again, being the perfect son, I told her the truth. "They're rubber bands for my braces, mom."

    Mistaking the ram for the name brand "Ramses," she thought they were condoms. I started laughing my *kitten* off. "Mom...there's like 200 in there....and they're only a quarter inch wide!!"

    My mom thought I had a small weiner. Thanks, Mom.

    On the other hand, she apparently also thought I was a small-weinered-scoring-with-the-chicks machine that actually needed 200 tiny condoms. Thanks, Mom!!

    Oh my land that just cracked me up because I could imagine my son reading this post and telling me, "That would be you Mom!" :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
  • jaxdiablo
    jaxdiablo Posts: 580
    Options
    **disclaimer** This is not meant to offend anyone. A friend of mine and I often share jokes that are a little racial in nature (my friend is black) so that we can get a good laugh. We also compare slurs that we've heard.

    **So again, don't read on if you offend easily** the OP only said to keep it clean. I have changed all the racial slurs to more appropriate terminology.


    There's these three guys, a Mexican, a white guy and a black guy. and they walk along the beach, they see this pot, they rub it, genie comes out. Genie says, "You wish for anything you want."

    So, he asks, Mexican what-what he wants, and he goes, "I want all my people in America to be happy and free and in Mexico." And so, genie goes - Poof! And, all the Mexicans are in Mexico.

    And then he asks the black guy, "What do you want?" And he goes, "I want all my African-brothers in America to be back in Africa and happy." So, genie goes poof! And all the blacks in America are in Africa.

    So the genie says to the white guy, "What's your one wish?" And the white guy goes, "You mean to tell me all the blacks and Mexicans are out of America?" Genie goes, "Yeah." He says, "Well, um, I'll have a Coke, then."

    The disclaimer was a nice touch, but doesn't make it any less offensive.

    Whiskey Alpha Alpha...
  • vaderandbill
    vaderandbill Posts: 1,063 Member
    Options
    **disclaimer** This is not meant to offend anyone. A friend of mine and I often share jokes that are a little racial in nature (my friend is black) so that we can get a good laugh. We also compare slurs that we've heard.

    **So again, don't read on if you offend easily** the OP only said to keep it clean. I have changed all the racial slurs to more appropriate terminology.


    There's these three guys, a Mexican, a white guy and a black guy. and they walk along the beach, they see this pot, they rub it, genie comes out. Genie says, "You wish for anything you want."

    So, he asks, Mexican what-what he wants, and he goes, "I want all my people in America to be happy and free and in Mexico." And so, genie goes - Poof! And, all the Mexicans are in Mexico.

    And then he asks the black guy, "What do you want?" And he goes, "I want all my African-brothers in America to be back in Africa and happy." So, genie goes poof! And all the blacks in America are in Africa.

    So the genie says to the white guy, "What's your one wish?" And the white guy goes, "You mean to tell me all the blacks and Mexicans are out of America?" Genie goes, "Yeah." He says, "Well, um, I'll have a Coke, then."

    The disclaimer was a nice touch, but doesn't make it any less offensive.

    well that's why I warned you.

    I guess when those things don't really matter to you or your friends then you can share them and laugh at the joke and how closed minded some people still are.
  • LoveleeB
    LoveleeB Posts: 560 Member
    Options
    PROBLEMS!!! PROBLEMS!!!!

    Only in Britain
    Complaints to Councils - extracts from real letters written
    to local councils:




    10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.


    18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

    19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my
    wife.

    23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't
    take it anymore.

    Haha- my favs
  • mommared53
    mommared53 Posts: 9,543 Member
    Options
    Ok, I hope this doesn't offend anyone or get the thread locked. I think it's funny. :laugh: :laugh:

    PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU
    KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS!
    IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.

    KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING
    STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN.
    THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING
    HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

    1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF
    CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

    2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE
    WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

    3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF
    FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

    4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD
    TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

    5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL
    LIKE DELILAH..

    6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

    7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE
    UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

    8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS,
    MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

    9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

    10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

    11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED
    THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

    12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO
    STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

    13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR.
    HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

    14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

    15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE
    MAGNA CARTA.

    16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY
    FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

    17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

    18.ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

    19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO
    OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH
    NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

    20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO
    GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

    21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

    22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

    23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

    24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY
    WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

    25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
  • Johnnyswife
    Johnnyswife Posts: 1,447 Member
    Options
    **disclaimer** This is not meant to offend anyone. A friend of mine and I often share jokes that are a little racial in nature (my friend is black) so that we can get a good laugh. We also compare slurs that we've heard.

    **So again, don't read on if you offend easily** the OP only said to keep it clean. I have changed all the racial slurs to more appropriate terminology.


    There's these three guys, a Mexican, a white guy and a black guy. and they walk along the beach, they see this pot, they rub it, genie comes out. Genie says, "You wish for anything you want."

    So, he asks, Mexican what-what he wants, and he goes, "I want all my people in America to be happy and free and in Mexico." And so, genie goes - Poof! And, all the Mexicans are in Mexico.

    And then he asks the black guy, "What do you want?" And he goes, "I want all my African-brothers in America to be back in Africa and happy." So, genie goes poof! And all the blacks in America are in Africa.

    So the genie says to the white guy, "What's your one wish?" And the white guy goes, "You mean to tell me all the blacks and Mexicans are out of America?" Genie goes, "Yeah." He says, "Well, um, I'll have a Coke, then."

    The disclaimer was a nice touch, but doesn't make it any less offensive.

    well that's why I warned you.

    I guess when those things don't really matter to you or your friends then you can share them and laugh at the joke and how closed minded some people still are.
    I don't even get it....Probably shouldn't have admitted that. lol

Categories