a look into my PERSONAL diary entry about binging

cdalt24
cdalt24 Posts: 55
edited October 4 in Health and Weight Loss
hi everyone! I have a personal diary that I try to write in every day and I tend to write a lot about my eating habits. this was hard for me to post, but I think it's good to bring into the MFP community in order to shed some insight on binge eating and feeling out of control, which is what I've been dealing with. I'm not sure how people will respond to this and I'm not sure if they can help me with this problem, but it's just something I thought I'd share.

October 22, 2011

Dear Diary, I'm starting to figure out my binges. They usually fall in ten steps.

1. I get a sweet craving
2. I tell myself to ignore it, but I keep thinking about it
3. I let myself have a small amount of sugar
4. I want more and think, "I already blew it, might as well keep going."
5. I start eating a lot, but I feel good because I'm satisfying my craving. I feel powerful because for a little while I don't care about the calories I'm eating. I don't feel like a slave to the scale
6. I start to get out of control and feel like I can't stop
7. I feel like I'm not there, like I'm simply watching myself consume an incredible amount of food, but can't do anything about it
8. I finally feel sick or realize what I'm doing and stop, usually after an hour of eating
9. I gain weight
10. I obsess and obsess about the binge, even a week later. I constrict myself to make up for it. I watch what I eat intensely, leaving absolutely no wiggle room. this lasts for about two weeks until I get the urge to eat sweets, and then the cycle happens again.

this isn't right and I know that. I hate being trapped in a mind that won't rest until I reach my goal weight. it's exhausting and it drains me. when did it get like this? I've lost about 35 pounds and feel great, but I hate the way I'm acting. I can think about food, numbers, calories, and carbs for hours at a time and nothing else.

so this is a look into my personal entry... I just felt like it'd be interesting to share because I'm sure some MFP people can relate.

Replies

  • getnhealthymum
    getnhealthymum Posts: 32
    First, thank you for sharing this with us. A brave thing to do. Second, this sounds exactly like me. To the T. I don't have any advice but one day at a time. Congrats on your weight loss. Hugs. :)
  • xHelloQuincyx
    xHelloQuincyx Posts: 884 Member
    this is exactly how i feel :c
  • scouvson13
    scouvson13 Posts: 14
    Thank you for sharing...this is my personal story on a daily basis.
  • KarenShannon
    KarenShannon Posts: 13
    I have this problem too! You are not alone in this. I wish I could help you out but I don't know how to handle this either. I try to keep myself busy or talk to a friend. Can't seem to stop the surgar craving and then I too give in. After I am done I can't believe how much I ate. You have done so well in losing 35 pounds! Be proud of that. Sometimes your body just doesn't want to cont. on this journey.
    Try to stay positive, sometimes we just fall down. Just don't give up!! :flowerforyou:
  • Nic620
    Nic620 Posts: 553 Member
    Wow. I think your amazing for posting this and putting yourself out there like you did. To really open up and put it out here is huge.
  • april0985
    april0985 Posts: 5
    This sounds all too familiar. You're so brave to post about it. I don't have the answer to it either...I've tried for so long to come up with solutions or things that might help but I always eand up eating some crazy amount in the end. Good luck, well done with what you've achieved so far
  • Selyan
    Selyan Posts: 51
    Getting those kind of cravings often means you eat too little, or that your body is in need of for example more fat.

    Not that I'm following that advice .. I usually binge and purge at least once a week.
  • raaeft1
    raaeft1 Posts: 21 Member
    This is exactly my story.
  • Selyan
    Selyan Posts: 51
    I thought some more about what I do to control binges, and when I get them when I'm with other people, I often share my food so that the total binge don't get so big.
  • kstep88
    kstep88 Posts: 403 Member
    35 pounds is a lot, and you look amazing. Maybe you're afraid to go back to the old you, and that's why there is so much self hatred after the binge..... Try not buying sweets.. or only have a tiny amount in the house, so if you go into binge mode there wont be much to derail your success. I think we all struggle a bit with this... Try to stay positive and eat things that will curb the sweet tooth:happy: .. :)
  • LH2011
    LH2011 Posts: 176 Member
    You are so brave for your honesty and I could have written this word for word. I wish I could find a balance I am either very bad like you said and it all starts with a sugar carving and then I am major good the following week. I have lost 27lbs and I am maintaining for about 3 months and have not put any weight back on but I know this style of eating is really unhealthy and I wish I could stop I as don't log these binges. (for me they are normally at night) I feel guilty for over eating and then I feel guilty I didn't log it as I've been to embarassed :blushing: !!!

    If you would like a friend to try and support each other through these cravings I would be happy to be one so please add me??? Maybe if we admit these binges to each other it might help??
  • asyouseefit
    asyouseefit Posts: 1,265 Member
    You need to work on #4 (4. I want more and think, "I already blew it, might as well keep going." )

    First of all, having a little sugar is not "blowing it". It's ok to have a treat every once in a while, even everyday. I'll go further and say that for bingers, it is ESSENTIAL to have treats. Restriction leads to binges... It's as simple as that! Just work it in your overall calories allowance.

    Second of all, even in the case you actually blew it, blowing it even more is not the thing to do. One may or may not like Jillian Michaels but she once said "When you are driving down the freeway and get a flat tire, you don't pull over and slash the other three do you? NO! You fix the flat tire and move on!". I think she makes perfect sense! A few calories over your allowance won't make a huge difference at the end of the day but a binge will...

    Oh and in case you wonder, this is not coming from someone who thinks it's easy and that you just have to "stop eating". I used to be a bulimic, so I lived by the restriction - binge - self-loathing - restriction cycle for quite a long time. It is possible to recover from binge eating or bulimia but you need to rethink your patterns completely. Except for a few slip-ups in the first months of my pregnancy 2 years ago, I haven't have a binge in 4 years! :flowerforyou:

    You can message me or add me as friend if you want. :)
  • arfog
    arfog Posts: 70 Member
    I am a sugar-holic, and that is part of the reason why I've gained the weight that I have.

    I suggest NOT being sooooooooo strict everyday. Let yourself have a treat or two if you want them, but be sure to log them. That way you don't feel deprived, but you are holding yourself accountable.

    Also I recommend this gum for sugar/chocolate cravings:
    file_23_66.gif

    Best invention ever, and only 5 calories. :)
  • MusicKeepsMeSane
    MusicKeepsMeSane Posts: 309
    I definitely know how that is. I feel like this on basically a daily basis. Usually I can control my binges but sometimes it just gets too strong an urge and I do give in and binge on occasion. It's not the end of the world, each day is a new day. What helps me is I just remind myself of my goal and that binging won't help me get to where I want to be. Other then that I really don't have any good advice. And thank you for opening up and sharing this :)
  • alaskaclaire
    alaskaclaire Posts: 1
    I totally understand this. All that has worked for me is cutting out refined sugars. But I still crave sweet things, so I have a bar of sugar free chocolate a day. There are lots of different types out there and with some I can't tell the difference, taste wise. The difference for me is this doesn't start the cravings. Also you can only eat one bar or there are unfortunate side effects.
  • ctroxell2011
    ctroxell2011 Posts: 39
    Keep that stuff out of the house.
    Call a friend for support when you are starting to have a craving, or chew a piece of gum, have a crystal light something sweet to get you past it.

    And the part about, I already blew it, I'll just keep going.... Let me ask you this:

    If you get a flat tire, do you go and pop the other three?
  • smairi
    smairi Posts: 10
    This has been a problem for me for years. I have to treat it as an addiction and try to eat clean all the time. If I have a bit of chocolate, I want alot of chocolate, so now, I can't really eat chocolate. It sucks, but it works. I have a friend who is an alcoholic and I learned alot from watching him battle his drinking.

    The big thing for me is the hours I spend thinking about food, calories, carbs, etc... I have tried using meditation and deep breathing and it seems to help. Other times I do something completely unrelated to food to remove my mind from the situation - my current fix is Jersey Shore. It is so stupid and engrossing that I forget about food.

    I've gotten it down to about one binge a month. Sigh.

    Thank you for sharing this - it is incredibly brave. I wish I had the courage that you show!
  • sweetiebelle
    sweetiebelle Posts: 332 Member
    Your not alone! Im like that also. I used to be able to stay away from over eating, now it's hard. I use food for a comfort. I used to stay away from junk food, now I find that hard. I eat sometimes until I full. Other times I can't get full. I get sick to my stomach and angry at my self for eating like that. I always no its a not worth doing to myself, but it seems to happen to me alot. How do we get through this? 1 meal at a time!
  • revnica
    revnica Posts: 50
    oh my gosh this is exactly what i put my self through atleast twice a month. I love you for posting this, i too believe alot of mfp will relate to this! Thank you so much for your courage and honesty!!!!
  • marzahl68
    marzahl68 Posts: 201
    I'm really blown away by your diary entry. I bet it took a lot of guts to post this.
    I have absolutely no idea how to help you or what kind of advice to give.

    I don't have a sweet tooth, I'm more of a (former) chips and fast food junky. The last time I had a cheeseburger, I felt sick afterwards. Sick from the grease in my stomach. It hurt! I didn't want to feel that way again so I declared fast food and junk food to be a non-food.
    I've also come to a point where I find that food doesn't need to take center stage in my life. Family gatherings and holidays are not about food and they shouldn't be. Food is merely a means to keep my body alive. Food is not my friend, my buddy or my comfort. It's simply fuel, nothing more. When my gas tank is empty, I fill it up and drive until it's empty again. It can't hold more than 10 gallons and it doesn't need anymore either. My body is no different.
  • sweetiebelle
    sweetiebelle Posts: 332 Member
    You no I was thinking, I was eating a lot cleaner before. I was able to afford healthier foods. I didn't have the binging problem! I eat from a food pantry and a church. They give you so much unhealthy food. I think eating like I do now my body craves more food. Do I make any sence? The processed food has ingredients to make you crave more sugars, fat ,carbs,
  • CocoNuttie
    CocoNuttie Posts: 40
    Thank you so much for sharing and being so brave.

    I feel a lot for your post because it feels like your were reading my mind. I've lost the weight and prob at the point I should be stopping now....which i dont mind. The only thing is I can't stop obsessing about what I eat, to be exact, what I snack. I really feel for the bit where you cave in for the sweets, just a small bit.... feel good/high for not being "slave to the scale", indulge and then feel sick afterward.

    Everyday is a struggle. My worst place is work because the place is always fill with sweets (well, its my job)...cakes, cookies, chocolates...you name it! I can't get away from them. Sometime it got to the point that i'm really nervous to go to the office in the morning. I have to mentally prepare myself on the way to work every morning...finding reason and strength to not snack for that day...OR find reason I should be allow to snack that day. I'm a nervous reck by the time I reach the office, so afraid of what today's going to turn out like

    Oh..the hours I spend thinking about food and calories....it's definitely unhealthy!!
  • ritzhitea
    ritzhitea Posts: 3 Member
    You are definitely not alone. I think I do something similar but haven't completely recognized it yet I am often confused that I stick to good eating most of the time and still manage to maintain a weight that is not desirable to me.

    The food diary is the key to my understanding that I think because I do have binge moments.

    I know for sure though that obsessing is not healthy (in any area of life) and that at the point of accepting what is we can start to change things for ourselves in a gentle way. I think I am at least working out what to accept.

    Thanks for sharing your diary I think it's a really important part of a lot of our lives, and congratulations on you great weight loss up to now. I hope to report a similar loss soon enough. :smile:
  • StevenSp
    StevenSp Posts: 2
    My problem is pizza...and yes I will binge on it and eat a whole one if not watched. It affects my weight and my sugars..both which I am trying to bring down. Since being on here I have noticed my eating habits have been changing somewhat. At least I am eating less. With luck it will help me in controling that pizza urges...instead of the whole thing maybe just a cpl slices. Either way if I can eventually stop myself from eating a whole pizza at a sitting I will count it as a win.
  • Jess05071981
    Jess05071981 Posts: 44 Member
    I am going to say that I know this cycle. I have go through this all the time. It is mentally draining. I feel like a terrible person and get really down on myself. You are not alone!
  • tattooedtwiin
    tattooedtwiin Posts: 246
    As many have said, Thank you for sharing, and you are definately NOT ALONE.
  • Nataliejones5730
    Nataliejones5730 Posts: 9
    Ok, so yeah...I can totally relate....

    There are times when I tell myself, don't give in to that craving..You shouldn't eat that...stop and back away from the sugar...

    But I still eat it...I feel terrible afterwards and I don't know what to do about it. People tell you that the goal to losing weight is to just simply stop eating things that are bad for you...

    I can't agree with this..It's so much more than just backing away from the table or putting something down. There is a mental process that sometimes gets in the way...

    I've brought myself to tears before because I kept telling myself to stop eating and I just continued to put food in my mouth knowing it would end badly....

    You have to take it day by day and get back up when you fall...It's hard and sometimes their is a bruise, but you just have to keep getting back up.
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