What do you do when...
erieli04
Posts: 37 Member
I've had the unfortunate experience (many times) of being the subject of a child's stares or comments. I don't have kids myself, but I do understand that most of the time, kids don't realize that making a comment or staring is rude. Sometimes the parent will distract them, but often times they are oblivious. And I know that responding to a child's comment or stares is mostly pointless. However, there are times when I feel compelled to say something, especially when the child is old enough to know better. For example, this weekend I was having breakfast at a hotel with friends and a girl (maybe 8 or 9) just stared and stared at me while we were in line. I finally looked at her and said "Can I help you with something?" and of course, she turned around. I didn't know what else to say. Does anyone have any experience or insight with this? I hope it will come to the point soon where I am no longer the subject of stares, but for the time being...I feel like I need to have a response to use in situations like this.
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I'm interested in hearing replies to this.
I think that unless someone is saying something to you, you shouldn't say anything and doing so would be rude on your part and also quite bizarre, but this is just my opinion and I'd like to hear what other people say.
If someone stares at you and you have an issue with it, I think this is somewhat paranoid. If they say something to you, or make fun of you, etc etc then by all means they should be held accountable to some degree.0 -
I think you did the right thing. The child may not understand, and it is not your responsibility to make them.Pointing out that they aree rude in that way is perfectly fine. Children need to be taught too. And if she wasnt staring at you, she was spaced out and no harm was caused by making her aware of her surroundings. As long as you keep your tone appropriate I saw absolutely nothing wrong.0
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I think that speaking to the child in a friendly, non threatening way is a perfect response. As you experienced, this will likely snap the child into awareness and end the uncomfortable "exchange". An ininhibited young child may ask you a question, including "why are you fat?". Be prepared to answer, hopefully constructively. (I did not eat healthy foods as a child, but I am doing better now - or such)
My opinion is that anything more is inappropriate and does not have a positive upside for anyone.0 -
Wink at them and smile... a smile is something that you have and a lovely thing to give away.0
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Well, being a mother of 5 children (19, 17, 8, 6 and 5), I think that you should ignore the child. Unfortunately, kids can be mean and even more unfortunate is that sometimes they aren't taught to be any different. Now, that being said, I have always taught my children that it is inappropriate to stare. This mostly comes in a restaurant where I am very in tune to how they are behaving. No matter how many times I have told them, I still have to tell them every time we go someplace. That's kids!
If you feel compelled to say something, then just smile and say "Hi." Chances are the child will be embarrassed because they don't know you and they will turn around OR they will smile back and say "Hi." The young lady may have thought you looked familiar or she may have thought you are beautiful. She may have liked your hair.
Kids are kids - now I wouldn't accept it from my 17 and 19 year old children but for the little ones - I try to teach them the best way I know how but I feel like they are still little . . .0 -
I don't know what to say either. I don't mind kids, they are just kids, but adults are just as mean. My son has a heart defect and was having open heart surgery when I walked into the PICU waiting room and a guy made a cow mooing sound as I sat down. Stared right at me and did that. Already stressed enough, I just sat there, said nothing, and cried. Ugh! People are so mean sometimes. He was in a wheelchair until he learned to walk at 6 yrs old and the adults would stare at him as much as the kids too. Keep working hard and don't let anyone bring you down.
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It might have been a little less rude if you had smiled and said hi to her and engaged in a friendly conversation rather than asking, "May I help you?" I am big on teaching my kids not to stare because it is rude. IF a child stares at me for some reason I typically try to be positive and friendly about it.0
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Maybe they aren't doing it to be rude? Maybe she liked something about you, your clothes, your hair, your make up etc.
I often have little girls staring at me and I have even been in the situation a few times where kids parents are paying such little attention that little girls will fallow me around (usually in clothing stores and they will look at every peice of clothing I look at) and I have to bring them back to their parents. I have even caught girls in their mid-late teens staring at me, in my opinion, as though I was some strange unknown creature. I have always battled with self esteem issues and at first this kind of behavior garnered the same reaction from me- my fiancee said that they are admiring me. I dont know how true it is but when I started paying attention to how the little girls look at alll the items of clothing I look at, then I started to think that maybe he is right. I know that, be their stares good or bad- they aren't my kids and I will be seen as some kind of monster if I say anything (I always want to say, can I help you? and have been known to say it to the mid-late teens) and I know it isn't going to change them from doing it anyway so why waste my energy and possibly get into an argument with the mother? Especially since I don't have kids so its not like I can say "well if they were my kids, I'd teach them some d*mn manners" because people always think that people with out kids would change those views if they had kids. I was raised not to stare at anyone I will raise my children not to stare at anyone. A lot of parents just don't want to take responsibility, like our upstairs neighbor. Their kid runs and jumps around so much that he knocks pictures off the wall and has broken vases that I've had on shelves. We took all our decoritive stuff down because of this kid. We have polietly gone and asked the parents to keep him a little calmer and they say, "He's just a kid, jeeze. What is wrong with you?" I have lived below several kids---- never have any of them BROKEN my vases/candles and picture frames. Ever. Its a matter of the parent having the consideration to tell the child to calm down/stop being rude/inconsiderate. The less parents in the world who teach consideration to their children, the less considerate those children will be as adults...0 -
It might have been a little less rude if you had smiled and said hi to her and engaged in a friendly conversation rather than asking, "May I help you?" I am big on teaching my kids not to stare because it is rude. IF a child stares at me for some reason I typically try to be positive and friendly about it.
I never said that I didn't smile...in fact, I did. I was quite friendly about it.0 -
I would just let it go they are just kids it happens keep you head up and go about your way
They may not even be looking right at you but something on you jewlery , peice of clothing , how your hair is , if your happy or sad kids pick up on so much that the most adults overlook. Just saying as a mom of a 4year old and 6year old I would just let it go as my girls are taught not to talk to strangers so if you smiled and even in the nicest way possible said something to them they would not reply back as they know not to talk to people they don`t know0 -
My son is 4 and goes to daycare with kids with pregnant mommies. So, when he sees a 'belly' he says "you have a baby in your belly'. I explain to him that sometimes there's no baby in there but he's learning.
The other day at the grocery store, he was in the cart and said this to a woman who had a large stomach that actually looked like she was pregnant. I didn't hear him as I was the checking nutrient value of a can of beans and he had been rambling on and on...I guess I zoned it out.
Anyway, this woman turned to me and was angry with me. "OMG I can't believe you're going to let him say that I'm pregnant! I'm not pregnant! I'm just FAT!" I stammered an excuse that he didn't mean to offend, he's 4, yada, yada...but later i couldn't help but wonder- what would she have wanted me to say? And I saw that she was a mom, too. Didn't she understand that kids just say things? I felt so uncomfortable for her and for me....I changed my course in the store so I didn't run into her again. I tried to discuss it later with my son but since he's 4 it didn't really hit home that he hurt her feelings. But I tried anyway.
My advice would be to ignore these incidents. It's up to the parents to talk to their children about how people come in all shapes and sizes and to not stare at someone that is different. I would just smile really big right back at them and show them that you are not affected. I know it can hurt but just know that you are working on getting healthy and that in time these incidents won't occur anymore.0 -
I've had the unfortunate experience (many times) of being the subject of a child's stares or comments. I don't have kids myself, but I do understand that most of the time, kids don't realize that making a comment or staring is rude. Sometimes the parent will distract them, but often times they are oblivious. And I know that responding to a child's comment or stares is mostly pointless. However, there are times when I feel compelled to say something, especially when the child is old enough to know better. For example, this weekend I was having breakfast at a hotel with friends and a girl (maybe 8 or 9) just stared and stared at me while we were in line. I finally looked at her and said "Can I help you with something?" and of course, she turned around. I didn't know what else to say. Does anyone have any experience or insight with this? I hope it will come to the point soon where I am no longer the subject of stares, but for the time being...I feel like I need to have a response to use in situations like this.
I just go with a filthy look... but then i dont like children...0 -
I think you did the right thing, especially in simply asking if there was anything you could do for her. I'm not sure how else you would handle it.
I recently had a discussion with a friend who said that her young child had asked her while they were in public why someone was so fat and she was incredibly embarassed by her child's question and didn't know what to do. I had suggested to her that her child's question, while unintentionally hurtful especially if the person over heard it, was not based upon being hurtful but out of honest curiousity. I had suggested to her that what mattered wasn't what the child said, but instead how she responded to her child's question. She couldn't undo the question, but she could use it as a learning tool. It's important to teach children about all sorts of diversity and acceptance at a very young age, not hush them because you're embarrassed and the other person may be as well.0 -
It might have been a little less rude if you had smiled and said hi to her and engaged in a friendly conversation rather than asking, "May I help you?" I am big on teaching my kids not to stare because it is rude. IF a child stares at me for some reason I typically try to be positive and friendly about it.
Weird. I don't think the OP was rude at all, she was very polite.
Honestly, to the parents of the staring kids out there, you all want starees to "ignore it" and say it's "up to the parents," but some people just don't like children, or don't want them, or whatever. It's very difficult to live in a society where one is required to accept otherwise-rude behavior in children, and one is supposed to accept it or ignore it or whatever. Even children can hurt a person's feelings. Why is there an unspoken right of children to get away with certain behavior?0 -
I get stared at all the time by children... and... they want to touch me.... ALL THE TIME!!! They are like cats, they somehow gravitate to the one person in the room who would rather have nothing to do with them.
I have learned, in my case anyway, it's usually the red hair or the painted nails they are staring at. If the child is under 10, I have realized, they will just stare. Sometimes they touch the nails or hair. That feels weird... being touched by someone I don't know.
Now.... when a child IS rude enough to comment on my weight or something, I really don't care their age, I usually have a witty comment back. Once a child told me I was fat, I replied that he was short. However, usually, when they ask WHY I am fat, I tell them something like "I stopped playing outside", or "I didn't love myself for a long time." Usually something that makes them think a little. At that point, I don't care if I make the parent angry. It's gone beyond rude and invasive of my space. Even kids need to learn about personal space.
I blame the parents when children are rude. No matter their age. We are in a world where parents excuse behavior because of age or embarrassment instead of seeing it as a chance to teach. Also... let's face it... if the parent is going to stare at and make fun of people (for whatever reason), their kid is going to as well.0 -
Im sorry that u feel this way. I see this a lot due to having most of my family being very over weight. as a mom and a childcare provider children are just curious.. Kids stare at many things they are not use to in everyday life.. i cant count how many times a child has asked a question about someone while out and about that I have felt was rude. They are not trying to be rude just curious and no matter how many times we teach them we r all different and such things can hurt someones feeling they still do it.. Many times I have spaced out or thought oh lover shoes, earing, ect and they felt like I was staring.. I think sometimes it is vindictive but sometimes its so innocent.
I agree just say hi.. Talk to them but be prepared to answer a question if they ask because our actions always have a domino effect. children are very impressionbable. Hopefully ur positive response will help the child learn.0 -
I would try to not get mad or feel self conscious about it. Children are very curious beings and even 8 or 9 year olds are still like that. I know because I have an 8 1/2 year old who still stares at people. Not anyone who looks different. She stares at everyone. She's just interested in the different features that everyone has. When I've caught children staring at me (which they do quite often), I don't take it personally and generally make a silly face at them to make them giggle.0
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Stick out your tongue. J/K
Seriously, how would you know someone is staring at you if you weren't staring at them, maybe they're thinking "Why is she staring at me?"0 -
Wink at them and smile... a smile is something that you have and a lovely thing to give away.
That is what I would do as well...apparently the childs parents are not really explaining to the child about things like that...0 -
In our family, we have dealt with a LOT of staring (and I wish it was mostly children, but that is completely not the case). Our youngest son has a very severe developmental disability and he wears a lot of protective gear because he bites himself and randomly(at least from our perspective) hits his head into hard objects, so he wears bands on his arms, shoulder pads and a big padded helmet. This past spring, we had him in the airport in Seattle and I swear it felt like we were in a display case. As we dealt with a 3 hour plane delay, my husband and I took turns walking with him up and down the concourse. During my times, when someone would stare, I'd catch their eye, smile and then go back to talking to Stevie, but when my husband was with him, he'd give them evil looks, and sometimes comment to my son how rude the people walking by were being, LOL. By the time we boarded our plane, my husband was in a BAD mood, but I was feeling surprisingly upbeat, despite being exhausted. The moral of this story is, making eye contact and smiling is good for your mental health when you're subjected to rude staring. I think most people aren't even aware they are staring, and that eye contact really helps to remind them subtly.0
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They are like cats, they somehow gravitate to the one person in the room who would rather have nothing to do with them.
I have to say, you made me laugh out loud literally and everyone else in my office went dead silent:embarassed: . That is such a true statement.
I am not a fan of kids (or cats much either, some are okay though) but yet they always head straight to me.... I'm like ommmg gooo away I dont know how to interact with you.. I am sure ANY move I make will get me in trouble with *someone* soooo omg get away.. and yet they just keep coming!0 -
Stick out your tongue. J/K
why are you kidding about that? kids love to have an adult do something that is fun and friendly especially something they dont expect.
i worked as a teacher and in other forms of child care for years and i stick my tongue out at kids whenever i get the chance.
as others have said, dont assume you know a childs motivation or mind set. if you cant find a way to or dont feel like engaging a child in a positive way then ignore them.
sounds like the OP handled it well.0 -
They may not even be looking right at you but something on you jewlery , peice of clothing , how your hair is , if your happy or sad kids pick up on so much that the most adults overlook. Just saying as a mom of a 4year old and 6year old I would just let it go as my girls are taught not to talk to strangers so if you smiled and even in the nicest way possible said something to them they would not reply back as they know not to talk to people they don`t know
I agree with the statement above. My daughter loves jewelry and hair and is obsessed with fashion. She is 9 and my son is 7. She pays attention to everyone and everything and comments constantly to people if she likes something they have on or a nice hair style. They have both been taught not to stare and point. However kids are very curious, you have to remember that you have probably seen everything the world has to offer whereas kids have not. Some children have never seen a little person and when they do finally you can't expect them not to be curious. It would be like if you have never seen someone with bright blue hair and then BAM there they are in the store, you may not stare for a long period of time but I bet curiosity would get the best of you.0 -
Stick out your tongue. J/K
why are you kidding about that? kids love to have an adult do something that is fun and friendly especially something they dont expect.
i worked as a teacher and in other forms of child care for years and i stick my tongue out at kids whenever i get the chance.
as others have said, dont assume you know a childs motivation or mind set. if you cant find a way to or dont feel like engaging a child in a positive way then ignore them.
sounds like the OP handled it well.
I do it all the time (they stare at the tattoos mostly I think) and I agree we crack up...however I was quite sure I'd piss someone off with my comment if I didn't explain:noway:0 -
i was thinking the same thingStick out your tongue. J/K
Seriously, how would you know someone is staring at you if you weren't staring at them, maybe they're thinking "Why is she staring at me?"0 -
i was thinking the same thingStick out your tongue. J/K
Seriously, how would you know someone is staring at you if you weren't staring at them, maybe they're thinking "Why is she staring at me?"
You know how there are times when you can just feel someone's eyes on you? I was absolutely not staring at her. I glanced down a few times and she was still staring.0 -
Young kids don't know any better. when I was new here (moved into adapted housing) kids used to sit about outside and watch me move from room to room in chair and when I took my dog out, they ask whats your dog called? why you in a wheelchair etc?.. I've always been nervous going past teenagers as I was bullied myself at school and sometimes I forget that they now see me as adult not another person their age who they make fun of at school. (I'm now 42)
My mobility scooter once got stuck in mud in a field and my heart sank when I saw a group of teenage boys heading in my direction, expecting to end up in a situation where I got made fun of and possibly even physically attacked... but they offered to help and pushed me off the muddy part of the field.
Adults however really should know better.. I was once going up into town when I lived at edge of town... in my small powerchair. (as scooter was too big for the lift in shopping centre) .. there's a sandwich shop with a big window and when your in there you can see people coming up the road for quite a way.. this guy must have seen me coming up and as soon as I reached the window, he jumped out of the doorway and shouted 'spaz' in my face!0
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