Before, After and Now

My Story:

I was always slim growing up, and late to develop. I never had to worry about weight. And then in my mid-twenties, I started drinking a lot and eating more and before I knew it, I had gone from a size 4 to a size 10, pushing a 12. At my heaviest, I was 160 pounds. I was the biggest person in my whole family, and I hated being that big, but I was so absorbed in my lifestyle that I didn't really want to do anything about it. And then when I was in my early thirties, I realized how unhappy I was. I was stressed at work and unhappy in my marriage. I was drinking every day, and eating and eating, and not working out. I decided to get a divorce. At this time, I wasn't ready to give up the drinking, but I was ready to give up the food. I cut out carbs, and then started cutting out more and more. I was happy drinking my calories in wine. I started losing weight and dropping sizes. My daily intake would usually consist of a can of tuna for lunch and a cesar salad for dinner, maybe some sun chips for a snack, and a couple bottles of wine. Time went by and I would go all day without eating, and then just eat a cesar salad for dinner. I wasn't hungry, I was fine as long as I had my wine. I finally reached size zero. I was probably somewhere around 100 +/- pounds. It wasn't good enough. I still wanted to be smaller...the calories from the wine was likely all that kept me from that. I spent my days drinking and shopping. It was fun to shop when everything fit, or was too big. I began to have serious problems because of lack of food and an abundance of alcohol however. Passing out, trips to the hospital. Finally an intervention landed me in rehab. I was 92 pounds at that time. Once in rehab, and detoxed, I worked out religiously and kept my calories low. I couldn't give that up, too. I'm not sure how low I actually dropped there because I did not have continued access to a scale, but when I came home and my family picked me up from the airport I saw the concern in their eyes. They would later tell me I looked like a popsicle stick with a big head on top. I remained sober for about a year, and during this time I managed to keep my weight relatively low. I wasn't working out, just restricting calories. I was so used to this, that I honestly wasn't hungry. I did get back up to a little over 100 pounds, but I was okay with this as I was still an XXS or XS, a zero or even a double zero. When I relapsed, it was bad. I was worse than when I went to rehab previously. I was hopelessly thin, and very sick. My parents sent me back to rehab. I arrived there at about 90 pounds, and I am sure I lost some of that in the first week of withdrawal as it was an excruciating process. Once through the detox, I started eating a little bit more out of fear for my life, and I started working out. I was happy to be alive and healthier, but not happy to come home with a weight gain. I was able to come to terms with this however because I knew I was still small, but deep down inside I knew I wanted to be smaller. Several years passed and I managed to keep at a size 0-2, weight 105-110. Then I started to have some problems. I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism. I was working 50 hours a week in a stressful job, plus working in a restaurant on the weekends. I was still restricting calories, and was lacking in B vitamins and minerals. I started having panic attacks, and dizzy spells, heart palpitations and tremors. I again feared for my life. After getting no answers from my doctors, I turned to holistic medicine. I went to two different doctors and got similar diagnoses. I had Adrenal Exhaustion, along with thyroid issues. I was Anemic, and my body was shutting down. It took three months of constant care, acupuncture, chinese medicine, herbal supplements, a total change in diet including giving up gluten, but I finally got well. I gained a little bit of weight and was holding steady at about 115-120, a decent size 2. And then I hit 41. It got more and more difficult to maintain a low body weight. I was no longer willing to starve myself. Of course I still wanted to be thin, but I also wanted to be healthy. So I started working out. I started power yoga. This gave me more respect for my body. It made me want to take better care of it. So, now I am at about 129, size 2/4, mostly 4. Sometimes I bounce all the way up to 132 or 133 which really freaks me out. I would like to be at 125. Heck, the truth is I would love to bet 110 or 115, but at what cost? I am not willing to push my body that far anymore. But even so, I still mourn the loss of the skinny me. I still look longingly at the photos of me at my lowest weight. That is raw honesty. That may never go away, but the difference now is that I can control that and be strong and healthy and know I am serving my body the best way I can. And while the best I can is not 1,200 calories, and most of the time not 1,000 calories, I give my body what I feel that it needs and I try to fuel it with healthy food, and I do not feel like I am depriving myself. I've come a long way to get to this point. I am willing to admit I still have issues with food, wanting to be thin, but I am sober nearly 8 years, I am eating a lot more normally and I am learning to accept myself.

I wanted to share my story in case anyone can relate to this.

I have posted some pics. Before (at 160), after (somewhere in the 90's), and now (the healthier me). The me that is falling somewhere in the middle and trying to be okay with that.

At my heaviest: 160lbs











At nearly my lowest, 90+lbs









And now...