Motivating a Spouse- who seems to have lost his self-motivat

cluvenit
cluvenit Posts: 23 Member
edited October 4 in Health and Weight Loss
Needing some advice! I met my best friend and now husband 7 years ago. After being the fat kid in my school days ....One of the many things that drew me to him was his motivation and drive to be healthy. (knowing I would have someone to keep me in check for the rest of my life and motivate me physically and emotionally)... For the first 2 or so years of our relationship, we literally worked out for 2 hours a day 6 days a week and ate clean i would say about 85% of the time. After we got married, its like an " I DONT CARE" attitude was implanted in his brain. I try to cook dinner about 65% of the nights we have together. Ofcourse lunch and breakfast he does his own thing b/c of work- but the biggest problem I have with all of this- is his drive to workout and be active-- IS GONE! He uses the excuse that when he married me he stopped trying to "impress" other people. He says when we first met he, was so into fitness and himself b/c he was trying to find the woman of his dreams- and now that hes found her- theres no need to try and be big and buff anymore... this is a compliment and slap in the face all at the same time. I have been waking him up everytime I go to the gym or trainer and invited him along but its always the "tired" - "dont feel excuse"... Or he tries to turn it around asking "would you not rather spend time with your husband then at the gym?" .. No crazy man I want US to spend time TOGETHER at the gym! :-) When I walk our dogs I invite him along- in hopes that it wont seem so much of a "workout" just some quality time with his wifey. I love him for better or worse 250lb of solid muscle or 260lb of solid fat- no matter size-or anything else- I vowed "Til Death". How and the heck do I motivate someone who doesnt want to be motivated?! I want to grow old with him and for us BOTH to be the sexy old people at the lake every summer! :-) I need to find a way to make activity not seem like activity to him but to seem like fun. How the heck do I do that?!
Hopeing for some repsonses.. and if this seems like a marriage counseling session-- I promise that was NOT how it was intended.
Thanks guys

Replies

  • karensoxfan
    karensoxfan Posts: 902 Member
    I think the only thing you can do is let him know that you worry for his health & longevity if he "lets himself go" entirely. You can't make him want to be fit & buff, and you can't make him want to go to the gym or walk the dog.

    Most people do want to be healthy though, so I'd frame it that way, as an addition to what you've already said that you enjoy spending time together exercising.
  • dmpizza
    dmpizza Posts: 3,321 Member
    Do you know he doesn't have any medical issues? Cholesterol? Blood Pressure? Depression?
    If that's not the case.......
    Ask him if it would be OK if you put on 30 pounds in all the wrong places?
  • Reneda
    Reneda Posts: 140
    I have the same problem except my husband and I have never really had the motivation. He was active before he met me but after we were married - nothing, nada, zip! There is plenty of talk about getting active but it never pans out... i'm getting seriously tired of hearing the excuses and lofty dreams of "someday"... He is sucking my motivation away too with the "don't you want to spend time with me" guilt trips.. I don't get it! Sorry if I'm not helping with your problem - guess I'm just venting too!
  • TheAncientMariner
    TheAncientMariner Posts: 444 Member
    This is a tough one. It sounds to me like he's gotten burned out from doing so much exercise. 6 days a week, 2 hours a day is extreme! Marriage changes people's motivations and I think he was being 100% honest. I think you are correct as well in the way you feel about the situation. The only thing I can do is to encourage you to continue to dialog with him about it. Don't nag him, just dialogue. Let him know how much it means to you, from a relationship and emotional perspective, that you both maintain a healthy lifestyle. It's going to be tough, but he has to be self motivated if he is going to stick with it. I admire you for loving him the way you do and being willing to stick with him no matter what, that is very rare these days. Good luck in your endeavor. I wish I could have been more help!
  • mmocarr
    mmocarr Posts: 108 Member
    Hey! Congrats on you keeping up with all you're hard work and dedication that can be tough in and of itself!
    I can definitely your dilemma and it seems like you cannot have your husband find motivation in himself instead maybe it is time to have a direct discussion about it while avoiding confronting weight.

    Perhaps you could remind him that spending time together is important to and sometimes that is going to involve exercise because that is a big part of your life! Maybe date swap i.e. every week I want you to come to the gym with me at least once and I will watch a movie of your choice or something similar. It has to be a commitment ahead of time you both make, Tell him he can pick whatever form of exercise he prefers. Perhaps once he gets the feel of it again he will become motivated to work out more consistently.

    Hope that helps
    best
    meagan
  • hummzz
    hummzz Posts: 385 Member
    That's difficult...I can't seem to get my sweety to workout with me although he does a little bit on his own but not enough to say the least.

    I think I would tell him that he was looking and living good and healthy while searching for his wife he's got to do the same thing to keep her. Not saying you would leave for this reason, but you do need to stay pleasing to the eye for your spouse. Sex life needs to be maintained to keep a happy marriage and if he's unhealthy this may become a problem then other problems may arise. Its very important for ALL aspects of the marriage to be healthy and one's physical health is one of them.

    Good luck to you lady!
  • cluvenit
    cluvenit Posts: 23 Member
    Thats what makes me so nervous. He has a heart murmur, and OVER active thyroid -he is 6'7" and was 148 lbs all through high school- got into steroids and blew up to about 250lbs- then he met me and I told him I wouldnt marry someone doing that crap.. And ofcourse when you stop taking steroids and dont work out-- all that muscle turns to flab.

    On the 30 pounds-- LOL-- I actually did ask him that once and he said I need to gain 30 pounds.. He says he worries about me being to health concious and that I just need to enjoy life and if that means gainging a few then so be it.. I totally disagree!
  • cluvenit
    cluvenit Posts: 23 Member
    AMEN to that!
  • cluvenit
    cluvenit Posts: 23 Member
    @ mmocarr
    Awesome idea on the weekly swap.. That actually may work! He loves his TV after work!

    @ Everyone else.. Thanks so much for encouragement.. you guys are wonderful!!
  • 2bFitNTrim
    2bFitNTrim Posts: 1,209 Member
    Boy, can I relate. My hubby was in the Navy when we married 28 years ago. He was physically fit and strong while he served, but once he got out & took on a desk job, he pretty much let himself go.

    Six yrs ago, he was diagnosed with Type II diabetes. Then came the high blood pressure, high cholesterol, etc. The doctor told him to lose the weight & exercise. Did he listen? No. He has been hospitalized 6x this year for heart disease (cardiac cath x3, cardiac stents, complications from his stent, out of control blood sugars, etc.). It's been a nightmare. Over the last month, he's finally decided he's had enough & is taking care of himself more. I think he finally realized it wasn't just how he looked or how his clothes felt. He was missing out on living life!!

    Continue to support your hubs. Encourage him & praise him. Try not to badger him, but do remind him it's about living a FULL life, not just laying on the sofa watching TV. Besides, does he want to go through what my hubs went through this year?. But ultimately, truth be told, the decision is his to make.

    Take good care of yourself regardless of what he does. :flowerforyou:
  • TnTHawkins
    TnTHawkins Posts: 285 Member
    Speaking from a husband that was unmotivated myself, he has to want to do it. I have learned over the 16 years of marriage that I have to want to do it and can't be pushed into it. It just frustrated me when my wife would exercise and try to push me into being good. Now I'm the one exercising and wanting her to get involved, but have not mentioned anything about her exercising. He will eventually realize that he needs to do something about it and will ask for support. Just be ready when he does.

    I also have an athletic son who plays soccer and baskball that needs to lose a few pounds and I have not pushed him into it either. I encourage, but do not force.

    I feel if I continue this path, that they will eventually start.

    Good Luck, you have done great. Friend me if you like, I can always use the extra motivation.
  • ctalimenti
    ctalimenti Posts: 865 Member
    That's difficult...I can't seem to get my sweety to workout with me although he does a little bit on his own but not enough to say the least.

    I think I would tell him that he was looking and living good and healthy while searching for his wife he's got to do the same thing to keep her. Not saying you would leave for this reason, but you do need to stay pleasing to the eye for your spouse. Sex life needs to be maintained to keep a happy marriage and if he's unhealthy this may become a problem then other problems may arise. Its very important for ALL aspects of the marriage to be healthy and one's physical health is one of them.

    Good luck to you lady!

    I agree and would add that the bait he used to catch you needs to be the same bait he needs to keep you. I don't think I said that nicely but you know what I mean. He can't portray himself to be all health conscience before marriage (in order to catch a hottie), then do a 180 afterward. Do you know what I mean.

    Also; 2 hrs per day, 6 days per week is extreme and hard to fit in when you have other responsibilities such as a home and family.
  • hummzz
    hummzz Posts: 385 Member
    Thats what makes me so nervous. He has a heart murmur, and OVER active thyroid -he is 6'7" and was 148 lbs all through high school- got into steroids and blew up to about 250lbs- then he met me and I told him I wouldnt marry someone doing that crap.. And ofcourse when you stop taking steroids and dont work out-- all that muscle turns to flab.

    On the 30 pounds-- LOL-- I actually did ask him that once and he said I need to gain 30 pounds.. He says he worries about me being to health concious and that I just need to enjoy life and if that means gainging a few then so be it.. I totally disagree!

    As a recovered drug addict I always worry about triggers to relapse. I've been sober for over 6 yrs now and still I will drive by somewhere or see something and those feelings come rushing back. Since he was on steroids I wonder if working out can possibly be a trigger for him? He may need some counseling to learn to control those urges. Steroids is a drug and can be an addiction as well. This puts it in a whole new arena.
  • xhaller
    xhaller Posts: 95
    Speaking of marriage counseling, I have gone. I love my therapist. HA! But that aside I have had a similar struggle. My husband is a smoker. He's always been one.

    But my therapist reminds me over and over again that we cannot control other people. IF your husband is going to work out or if mine is going to quit, they are going to have to do it on their own.

    I do not mean this to sound trite or unsympathetic. There are times I think of him smoking, and I could fly into a hot white rage. HA!! Isn't that lovely. But the more I talk to my therapist (and it's taken a long time), the more I see that I have to accept that I can't control things like this with another person.
  • cluvenit
    cluvenit Posts: 23 Member
    Thats what makes me so nervous. He has a heart murmur, and OVER active thyroid -he is 6'7" and was 148 lbs all through high school- got into steroids and blew up to about 250lbs- then he met me and I told him I wouldnt marry someone doing that crap.. And ofcourse when you stop taking steroids and dont work out-- all that muscle turns to flab.

    On the 30 pounds-- LOL-- I actually did ask him that once and he said I need to gain 30 pounds.. He says he worries about me being to health concious and that I just need to enjoy life and if that means gainging a few then so be it.. I totally disagree!

    As a recovered drug addict I always worry about triggers to relapse. I've been sober for over 6 yrs now and still I will drive by somewhere or see something and those feelings come rushing back. Since he was on steroids I wonder if working out can possibly be a trigger for him? He may need some counseling to learn to control those urges. Steroids is a drug and can be an addiction as well. This puts it in a whole new arena.
  • cluvenit
    cluvenit Posts: 23 Member
    You may be right... Guess I should have some more sympathy for him- I never thought of it on that level before.. On the other hand though.. Being 100 pounds overweight - Food was my addiction. People say its on two totally different levels- but to me its the same.. I have to face food every day and make the right choices about what I put into my body and I guess it hard to understand why he cant just make the right choices about what goes into his.. If that makes any sense at all?
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