Significant Other Shows No Emotion/Affection Toward Animals
erinrose07
Posts: 140
I have found myself in a predicament.... My boyfriend and I live together and with me, came my 13 yr old pit bull, Genesis. She's the apple of my eye, sweet as can be, etc., etc. I notice that he absolutely regards her as a stuffed animal or something that doesn't need love or affection or anything more then food, water and general care. For example, when I flat out asked him if he even likes her, his reply was:
"Why do I need to have certain feelings about your dog? It's your dog, not mine."
When I told him that maybe it should be because she's an important part of my live and I love her more than I can describe, he said "Just because she means a lot to you doesn’t mean I should be expected to feel that way."
He can also be quoted as saying lines such as, "I'm not going to say I like her or I don't like her. The way I regard the dog is directly linked with her behavior on that particular day and if she's caused us any inconveniences." (She's had 3 accidents in the past month due to her age and I've invested in a dog diaper and medication to solve the problem).
He's also met the twin babies I nanny for, on two occasions. Both times he's seen them he's been quite unaffected by their cuteness or even their presence in the room. I was showing him how one of the babies just began crawling and he was not impressed. I also showed him the sign language I've been teaching the babies and how they're picking it up and he was not impressed with that either. When I asked him about this he simply said, "I don't really see anything special about babies. They're not exactly cute and they can't do anything fun. They aren't any fun until they're about 5 and can actually play." I can understand that, but to not even be excited that one of the twins just mastered crawling is weird to me.
Does he seem oddly cold and insensitive or is it just me? I find it strange because he's incredibly affectionate towards me and very quick to take care of me with regard to emotional love, helping around the house, etc.....but kids and animals, he couldn't care less.
"Why do I need to have certain feelings about your dog? It's your dog, not mine."
When I told him that maybe it should be because she's an important part of my live and I love her more than I can describe, he said "Just because she means a lot to you doesn’t mean I should be expected to feel that way."
He can also be quoted as saying lines such as, "I'm not going to say I like her or I don't like her. The way I regard the dog is directly linked with her behavior on that particular day and if she's caused us any inconveniences." (She's had 3 accidents in the past month due to her age and I've invested in a dog diaper and medication to solve the problem).
He's also met the twin babies I nanny for, on two occasions. Both times he's seen them he's been quite unaffected by their cuteness or even their presence in the room. I was showing him how one of the babies just began crawling and he was not impressed. I also showed him the sign language I've been teaching the babies and how they're picking it up and he was not impressed with that either. When I asked him about this he simply said, "I don't really see anything special about babies. They're not exactly cute and they can't do anything fun. They aren't any fun until they're about 5 and can actually play." I can understand that, but to not even be excited that one of the twins just mastered crawling is weird to me.
Does he seem oddly cold and insensitive or is it just me? I find it strange because he's incredibly affectionate towards me and very quick to take care of me with regard to emotional love, helping around the house, etc.....but kids and animals, he couldn't care less.
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Replies
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Wow, that does seem pretty cold. Itd be different if he thought she was a nice dog but was frustrated with her accidents or something. But to be that indifferent... Strange... That would frustrate the hell out of me.0
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If you're going to want children of your own one day then he is clearly not the right match for you. :flowerforyou:0
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I wouldn't have a problem with a partner who acts like this as long as he gives me a certain amount of affection/attention, but it's obviously a big problem for you. Why did you decide to move in with him if it's a big issue for you? Surely he showed this side before things got serious, no?0
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People that don't like animals set off red flags for me....Just saying0
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It's definitely a red flag. Even though he is compassionate with you now, what will happen when you start to inconvenience him? People can change and improve over time, but is that really what you want from life, or do you want a fully functioning person now, to form a partnership with?0
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I personally find it odd and I wouldn't be able to be with someone who didn't love my animals. Understandably, he might not get to the same level of affection you have with your dog, but he can't even say he likes her??
I'm an animal lover & its a big part of who I am. My boyfriend cares about animals too -- if he didn't, I probably wouldn't be able to be with him. But, this is your life.. so whether or not you can try to compensate.. not sure how that would work though. You have to think long term as well. Do you plan on having children? If so, you might want to see where he stands on that.0 -
My husband is exactly the same way. I have a 10 month old Golden Retriever that I purchased to take to work with me each day. I am a nursing home administrator and it is important for elders who had pets before moving into long term care, to have that same kind of connection. He told me he doesn't really like dogs in the house, but it's my house too so I could have a dog as long as I did not expect him to have a relationship with it. And he doesn't. He will feed and water if I am away, and he would would not leave him out in the cold or rain, but that's it.
He doesn't get very excited about babies either. But, niether do I. He does show me much love and affection. He meets my every need. It sounds like your guy is the same. I think you have nothing to worry about. Different strokes for different folks.0 -
I,m so glad you have highlighted this as i thought i was the only one in this situation.
My other half does not like my puppy at all and my kitten and is not a animal lover and he has days where his been really horrible to them.
Which has resulted in me not liking this side of his personality very much and on one occasion over lilly my puppy i walked out on him :0/0 -
So tell us, what makes you think he is the right man for you?0
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Im like that towards babies, but i act all like "aww so cute!" around fluffy animals, because they are!
Although the house has a cat, and because my fiance is allergic to it, i can be very hateful towards it! Although ever so often i cant resist giving it a quick stroke!0 -
Some people just aren't animal lovers or baby lovers for that matter.0
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Did he grow up around pets and small children? If not, his behavior isn't surprising at all to me. I don't want to make too broad of a generalization, b/c I know there are lots of exceptions, but in general, single guys often don't have a connection with babies and small children, just b/c they have no experience w/them. My h is an example; until our first child was able to walk, he was awkward around her and scared he'd break her. When she began to walk, things really changed and by the time #2 came along, he was at ease and now is a bit of a Pied Piper with kids of almost all ages. As to animals, again, some ppl just don't have that bond or affection w/them. I know some ppl won't trust a person who doesn't want a pet, but my mom was a loving person, but didn't care for animals as pets. She didn't hate 'em, but she didn't want them on her lap or anything and had no desire to have one, even when she was alone after I grew up. I myself like animals/pets but have no desire to have one, at least at present; I raised 3 kids. That was plenty messes for me, and all my tiime and affection went to my human pets.
Personally, if he truly is caring and affectionate to you and other people in your lives, I wouldn't be too concerned--as long as he IS caring and considerate to others, and doesn't have a thing about others who get attention from you. You might want to have long talks about his feelings toward babies/children before you think about having any with him, though.0 -
My husband is exactly the same way. I have a 10 month old Golden Retriever that I purchased to take to work with me each day. I am a nursing home administrator and it is important for elders who had pets before moving into long term care, to have that same kind of connection. He told me he doesn't really like dogs in the house, but it's my house too so I could have a dog as long as I did not expect him to have a relationship with it. And he doesn't. He will feed and water if I am away, and he would would not leave him out in the cold or rain, but that's it.
He doesn't get very excited about babies either. But, niether do I. He does show me much love and affection. He meets my every need. It sounds like your guy is the same. I think you have nothing to worry about. Different strokes for different folks.
Yes! It's like he is incredible on all other levels but is totally shut off with the whole baby and animal thing. It's odd though because he said a few times that one day he'd like to get an english bulldog. I told him that based on what I've seen I don't think it'd be a good idea, lol! (Ya think?!) Do you have children? If so, how is your husband as a dad? Is he withdrawn at all?
To everyone else who's posted:
Thank you for your responses. What you've mentioned are all of my same thoughts and fears....it's going to be weighing on my mind a lot. Before we moved in together he did seem like he liked Genesis- at least to a normal degree. I don't know if it's possible that he's started to resent her so strongly over three peeing accidents?0 -
I agree that it kind of depends what you want in life. If you don't want to have children and pets in the future, he's a fine match for you. Me, I knew I'd want children, and pets, so this person would not be a good match for me. I wouldn't want to invest my life in him, if he wasn't going to be someone I'd want to spend my life with (past a certain age, anyway, ykiwm). My husband has never cared for cats, but he hasn't been "cold" to them really, and he loves dogs and kids. I knew those signs early. If he hadn't been, I would have found someone else, because I did want to spend my life with kids and dogs.
It's fine to not like animals, kids, people, cheese, or whatever else you happen to not like... Not saying he's necessarily a bad person. But not EVERY PERSON is a good choice to spend your life with. You have to wisely invest yourself in someone who's going to be worth it in the long term for you.
On the other hand, though, men are usually not as gaga for kids/babies and animals as women are, so you have to kind of decide if you think he's really cold, or if he's just not as warm as YOU are, and how much that means to YOU (because what it means to me is of no help to you!).
Best of luck in however it goes!0 -
I have a 'friend' who after 27 yrs of marriage left her husband. She thought he would change, grow, mature and learn to love the people and animals in his life. Her soon to be ex spouse has not changed one bit. When she left and took her dog, he was left with his dog.
A sweet black lab he took from his daughter, trained Dog Whisperer style, saved her life and made her a sweet excellent dog.
When she left he said "anyone want 'the dog' or I am bringing it to the pound.
This man has not changed one iota in 27 years.
Just saying:ohwell:0 -
So tell us, what makes you think he is the right man for you?
He's incredible. Thought-provoking, affectionate, strong-minded, solid career, supportive, he's got a big brain but he's also emotionally intelligent (unless it's toward babies and dogs as mentioned lol), tries to always put me first, acts silly but is very mature, compliments me, fixes things around the house, the list goes on and on....it's just this I seem to be hung up on.0 -
Ignore these red flags at your own risk. There is a reason you asked a bunch of strangers on a message board about the behavior of your SO.
I saw lack of empathy in my STBX but ignored it. I wish I hadn't.
Does he have control issues? Anger issues?0 -
Eh, i wouldn't read too much into it. My fiance blatantly tells me he hates my cats and can't see why anyone would want the "nasty, stinky things". I, on the other hand, have to be threatened into spending time with kids. I'm never impressed about a pregnancy, and i couldn't care less when a niece or nephew does something peopel find absolutely wonderful because i think it's asinine. Some people are just hardwired like that 0
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Do you want to have kids and pets in the future? Will you be happy enough if he cares for them JUST for your benefit, or will you rather have a partner who is involved in that way of his OWN accord, kwim? Because there will be posters who say their husband miraculously started caring about kids and animals later, and there will be posters who know their husband/ex didn't, and that's the risk you'll run. Also think from your kids' POVs if you do want them. (edit to add: I don't mean "cares" for them like will he LOVE them or not. I just mean if he only forces himself to be involved to make you happy, will that be enough? Or do you want to marry someone who will want to be an involved parent? Hope that makes more sense, I'm sure he would "love" his kids).So tell us, what makes you think he is the right man for you?
He's incredible. Thought-provoking, affectionate, strong-minded, solid career, supportive, he's got a big brain but he's also emotionally intelligent (unless it's toward babies and dogs as mentioned lol), tries to always put me first, acts silly but is very mature, compliments me, fixes things around the house, the list goes on and on....it's just this I seem to be hung up on.
He sounds great, but there are men who are great and caring to kids and animals. There really are. It's so hard, but it saves us and our potential kids a ton of heartache if we make ourselves think practically before getting married. 0 -
So tell us, what makes you think he is the right man for you?
He's incredible. Thought-provoking, affectionate, strong-minded, solid career, supportive, he's got a big brain but he's also emotionally intelligent (unless it's toward babies and dogs as mentioned lol), tries to always put me first, acts silly but is very mature, compliments me, fixes things around the house, the list goes on and on....it's just this I seem to be hung up on.
If you do not want children, then you will be just fine. I had a good friend who did not want kids. Period. Her husband knew this, but when he went to Iraq came back with the need to procreate. She said buh bye. Lots of people thought she was a witch, I thought she was awesome. He married, had a kid and let's just pretend he lived happily ever after.
You SO seems to have wonderful attributes, just be sure this is enough for you. My 'friend' thought it was ok that her spouse was a hard worker, was faithful, and didn't party. Turns out she raised the kids on her own with financial help from him. No emotional help at all........single parent really. She was miserable for most of those years.
Like I said, if you do not want kids, you will be fine. Your dog doesnt care if he likes her or not
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I am going to have defend the poor guy, just because a person is cold towards animals does not make them a bad person or partner. I am no big fan of dogs until my neighbour bought a dog and i must admit i love her to death, in fact everyone loves her inn the area as she's such a great dog. Anyway he doesn't see babies a seeing cute well thats common amongst most men who have no kids of their own or indeed are not related to the child. That hardly makes him unsuitable and as someone once said to me she you have your own kids it changes you for the better. Are you pregnant no so do yo expect him to go goo gas at every baby in sight i doubt it. Don't write this guy off as he may turn out to be the best husband father you'd ever have.....0
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Serial killers start out being mean to animals.........0
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Serial killers start out being mean to animals.........
LOL!!!!0 -
I am going to have defend the poor guy, just because a person is cold towards animals does not make them a bad person or partner. I am no big fan of dogs until my neighbour bought a dog and i must admit i love her to death, in fact everyone loves her inn the area as she's such a great dog. Anyway he doesn't see babies a seeing cute well thats common amongst most men who have no kids of their own or indeed are not related to the child. That hardly makes him unsuitable and as someone once said to me she you have your own kids it changes you for the better. Are you pregnant no so do yo expect him to go goo gas at every baby in sight i doubt it. Don't write this guy off as he may turn out to be the best husband father you'd ever have.....
Thank you for sharing your side of it. It's nice to hear a man's perspective!0 -
Do you want to have kids and pets in the future? Will you be happy enough if he cares for them JUST for your benefit, or will you rather have a partner who is involved in that way of his OWN accord, kwim? Because there will be posters who say their husband miraculously started caring about kids and animals later, and there will be posters who know their husband/ex didn't, and that's the risk you'll run. Also think from your kids' POVs if you do want them. (edit to add: I don't mean "cares" for them like will he LOVE them or not. I just mean if he only forces himself to be involved to make you happy, will that be enough? Or do you want to marry someone who will want to be an involved parent? Hope that makes more sense, I'm sure he would "love" his kids).So tell us, what makes you think he is the right man for you?
He's incredible. Thought-provoking, affectionate, strong-minded, solid career, supportive, he's got a big brain but he's also emotionally intelligent (unless it's toward babies and dogs as mentioned lol), tries to always put me first, acts silly but is very mature, compliments me, fixes things around the house, the list goes on and on....it's just this I seem to be hung up on.
He sounds great, but there are men who are great and caring to kids and animals. There really are. It's so hard, but it saves us and our potential kids a ton of heartache if we make ourselves think practically before getting married.
It's definitely something to consider. He's one of those guys that has to have everything planned out for his future. He does want kids, he just wants kids when he turns 30, which is 4 yrs away....
Thanks so much for your input, it means a lot and gives me something to think about. You come at it fairly from both POVs 0 -
Did he grow up around pets and small children? If not, his behavior isn't surprising at all to me. I don't want to make too broad of a generalization, b/c I know there are lots of exceptions, but in general, single guys often don't have a connection with babies and small children, just b/c they have no experience w/them. My h is an example; until our first child was able to walk, he was awkward around her and scared he'd break her. When she began to walk, things really changed and by the time #2 came along, he was at ease and now is a bit of a Pied Piper with kids of almost all ages. As to animals, again, some ppl just don't have that bond or affection w/them. I know some ppl won't trust a person who doesn't want a pet, but my mom was a loving person, but didn't care for animals as pets. She didn't hate 'em, but she didn't want them on her lap or anything and had no desire to have one, even when she was alone after I grew up. I myself like animals/pets but have no desire to have one, at least at present; I raised 3 kids. That was plenty messes for me, and all my tiime and affection went to my human pets.
Personally, if he truly is caring and affectionate to you and other people in your lives, I wouldn't be too concerned--as long as he IS caring and considerate to others, and doesn't have a thing about others who get attention from you. You might want to have long talks about his feelings toward babies/children before you think about having any with him, though.
Thanks for your advice He does look out for other people's best interest in addition to my own and he's not jealous or controlling of me by any means. He didn't grow up with pets or children, so I suppose it's to be expected to a degree 0 -
As long as there are no signs of abuse or controlling behavior, you have my blessing. It's always different when it's YOUR pet or YOUR kid. If he were to choose a pet for himself or have a child of his own, he might do a 180.
How does he treat his family? Mother? Sisters? That is a big clue. Also if other people are warning you about him now, I would run. But if everyone loves him as you do, OK. Just give it time.0 -
Well, in four years, when he is thirty, I really hope you will have no problem getting pregnant on demand.0
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I never wanted anything to do with kids, I mean I avoided them at all costs, when my sister brought her kids over I went right in my room and hid until they left. Unless you have a GREAT natural appreciation for children or you have your own or were raised with them ( I was the youngest child in my family) it's difficult to see the appeal. I now have three kids and two step kids and love them all more than anything, I'm still not big on OTHER peoples kids to be honest altho i do appreciate them a lot more .0
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Well, in four years, when he is thirty, I really hope you will have no problem getting pregnant on demand.
Haha, no! I would rather have children BEFORE I turn thirty actually.....so if we'restill going strong by then I'll be ready to get the show on the road!0
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